5 Tools for Building Positive Traction in Marriage
Susan Lager • March 26, 2018
In my profession as a psychotherapist specializing in couples work I have often encountered client complaints about positive gains they had achieved, but no traction around them in the past.
It reminds me of the old cynical joke the “regulars” at the gym would make about the Newbies who joined every January: that come March, these crowds would be gone, and we’d have the place to ourselves again. Sadly, it was always true – all the positive intentions and energy the January crowd brought didn’t last more than a month or two. They weren’t able to build traction in their exercise endeavors. And, whether you’re talking about sustained change in your exercise habits or sustained change in your marriage, the requirements are very similar.
If, as an example, you and your spouse would like to communicate more effectively, (the most common goal I encounter in my work with couples), you’ll need to use these five tools:
- To make sure you’re moving steadily in the right direction it will require that you use a “map” of sorts. Where would you like to go? What is your destination? Be clear about what “getting there” looks like. Will there be more attentive listening? Will there be more clarity about wants and needs or more focus in your conversations? Establish clearly understood and definable goals.
- Be clear about what you’ll each need to stay with the journey. Reassurance from each other? Some type of break or pleasurable time out from the work? Positive feedback about the emergence of better conversations? In other words, what will you each need in the way of “supplies” to maintain your efforts?
- Establish markers of progress. What “sign posts” will you see on your “map” that will tell you you’re either moving in the right direction or going off course? Will you be spending more time together? Will you be sharing more confidences? Will more problems be solved? Will you feel calmer / happier together?
- Reward yourselves with acknowledgment about the meaning of the gains you’ve made. What has made your efforts worth it? Do you feel closer? Do you feel more committed to your marriage? If you have kids, are they calmer or happier around the two of you? Establish clear motivations to maintain the gains made.
- Celebrate your success as you reach your “destination.” If, as an example, your conversations are flowing more freely with less defensiveness, celebrate your positive gains with something meaningful to both of you – go away for a special weekend, get a new “toy”, like new skis, or an upgraded TV, or even a special book you’ve wanted to read together. Celebrate your success with some material or quality time indulgence that punctuates your efforts and achievements.
Use these five tools to achieve traction around any gains you’ve made individually and together, so you don’t become like another “March dropout” at the gym!
This past month has been a whirlwind of initially trauma, then a series of sweet surprises and blessings. Following a serious car accident I've watched my body heal in unimaginable ways, consistent with the assurances of my doctors and nurses. I've learned about resilience, my own, but also other peoples'. My single sister came up to Maine to provide "nursemaid" services for two weeks, and graciously attended to me day and night. Her patience, diligence and compassion even surprised herself. My husband, who is limited physically, has done the same, also hauling my wheelchair in and out of the car, patiently fetching tons of thing I can't reach, and even walking Luca, our naughty dog, in the local park. This is all after "remodeling" our downstairs floor to be wheelchair-friendly, with all the supplies I need accessible - no easy feat! Our son and daughter-in-law have provided fabulous meals, visits, help with buying a new car, and new phones and watches so we can be more accessible. Our two granddaughters have visited and been loving, tender and attentive, surprisingly, at ages three and six! My other sister has provided funding for unlimited takeout meals, as her physical limitations prevent a late Winter visit up to Maine. Friends have provided dog walking, solicitous calls, and car trips to doctors while I'm unable to drive, with a broken right leg. Neighbors have provided the biggest surprises of all: multiple dog walks, pots of soup, ongoing offers of help, and continued concern about my status. I've been blown away by the compassion and generosity around me! These are people I would not previously have defined as "friends", but they sure will be, moving forward! Clients who previously insisted on live sessions, have been flexible and gracious in doing telehealth instead. One couple I've worked with for awhile sent me the largest, most beautiful bouquet of flowers I've ever seen in my life. I've also surprised myself with my resilience, mostly good cheer, adherence to the "Rules of Slow," and allowing others to help me, even asking for help when they can't read my mind. This has been virgin territory for me. So what's the lesson (besides trying to avoid avoidable car accidents)?: - Try not to shortchange either yourself or others with low expectations - see the possibilities. See the good in people. - Cultivate yourself as a Surpriser to others, particularly when they need it. Nurture community. Avoid self absorption. - Learn from adversity and grow. - Don't watch too much news, especially the traumatic stuff! It can distort your experience of life.... - Embrace the surprises that come your way, and let yourself feel deserving.
I have recently had a hard lesson on this subject after having a serious car accident last month. It was a cold day with icy roads and blinding sun as I drove East toward a local park to run Barley, our son's dog. Unfortunately, I dropped my sunglasses and foolishly did a quick dive for them, then ended up in a deep gulley on the side of the road, and hit a tree. The car was demolished, I ended up with 16 broken bones, but luckily, Barley was unscathed! Thankfully, his pre-existing dementia has probably protected him from remembering the event! Here I am, 3 weeks later, after two hospitalizations, fortunately with no permanent injuries, and no needed surgeries. Most importantly, no brain damage, so I'm my usual feisty, engaged and passionate self, able to do my work remotely. The unfortunate part that I've had to accept is being wheelchair - bound for at least 6 weeks, and dependent on my tired husband and sister to be nursemaids to me. Ugh! No usual 20 year old energy, doing this and that each day, running Luca, our dog in local parks when he's not in daycare. No stairs, so no upstairs showers or bedroom amenities like sleeping in a normal bed. No speed at anything now, as the smallest of actions need to be intentional and SLOW to prevent further injuries. (Having to accept and embrace SLOW has been totally foreign for me, like being a 90 year old)! I've had to accept routinely asking for help without shame or guilt, and graciously accept the ways people provide it. My friends, family and neighbors have been amazingly generous with their time, offering meals, dog walks, and various services. And each day I'm miraculously getting stronger with less pain, and more functionality! What I can tell you about Acceptance is that it's multi-pronged: It requires staying present and not going into regrets or "woulda-shoulda coulda''s" It requires the ability to count your blessings and lean into gratitude rather than focus on self pity - (It's amazing I survived this particular wreck! and have been the recipient of so much love and care). It requires the willingness to learn from experiences and see them as sometimes difficult, but valuable tools. It requires self compassion, and being gentle with yourself. It requires patience and perspective. "This too shall pass. Nothing is forever." It requires quieting the possible noise in your head, the toxic narratives you may spin about causality or fate. And for me, it really requires a sense of humor - without laughing too much because that doesn't jive well with broken ribs...... :) Susan
Here’s another piece by Cheryl Conklin about the joys and challenges facing senior couples, something very common in my work. Aging together gracefully requires intentionality around all these issues, in addition to being conscious and collaborative around parenting grown children and grandchildren. I recommend that couples build in check-ins regularly around all these tasks so […]
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Here’s another very astute piece by Cheryl Conklin of https://wellnesscentral.info addressing an issue which comes up frequently in my work with individuals and couples – how to nourish love at the “halfway” point, how to keep love and pleasure alive long after the original glow has worn off. And, contrary to popular myth that it’s […]
The post Finding Each Other Again: Rediscover Love in Mid-Life appeared first on Susan Lager.
Here is an article by the very wise and articulate Cheryl Conklin of Wellness Central, about a subject central to my work as a therapist: stress – what causes it, and how to manage it on various fronts, so it doesn’t manage you. Stress is a normal part of everyday life, especially in today’s world […]
The post Stress Decoded: Personalized Strategies for a Calmer You appeared first on Susan Lager.
Hello Reader, Earlier this week I did a BlogTalk Radio podcast about being intentional in your marriage, and in all your close relationships. This episode was about how when we live on purpose everything can change – our pleasure and happiness levels, our experience of connection with a partner and close friends, expectations can be adjusted more realistically, […]
The post “The Amazing Impact of Being Intentional in Your Marriage” – don’t miss the podcast! appeared first on Susan Lager.
“Once again, Cheryl Conklin from WellnessCentral.info has hit the mark with her latest insights about how confidence can be enhanced through specific attitudes and behaviors. (I like to tell my clients that it’s a myth to think that confidence is a born trait, or that you only have it if you were on the right […]
The post Boost Your Confidence and Live Life on Your Terms With This Guide appeared first on Susan Lager.
CNN Health: “5 Signs Your Coronavirus Anxiety Has Turned Serious, Threatening Your Mental Health, and What to Do About It” Written by Susan Lager on May 12, 2020. Posted in Acceptance, Anxiety, Attitude, Balance, Change, Comfort, Connection, Courage, Depression, Gratitude, Grieving, Help, Humor, Life’s curveballs, Mindfulness, Perspective, Resilience, Resources, Rituals, Self care, Stress, Tools, Trauma […]
The post 5 Signs Your Coronavirus Anxiety Has Turned Serious, Threatening Your Mental Health, and What To Do About It appeared first on Susan Lager.
I was about to post about managing transitions when I saw this post from the Gottman Institute, realizing how relevant it was to my subject. I’m sharing it with you, hoping you benefit from all the wonderful ideas in it. Having fun and being intentional can be a vital part of dealing with transitions. Stay […]
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Image Courtesy of Pexels Here’s an excellent guest article by Cheryl Conklin from wellnesscentral.info about tools for self nurture and for avoiding negative thoughts and behaviors. These tools are important for everyday life, and even more critical during the pandemic. Stop. No, really, stop. Those harmful habits of yours are hurting you! Not sure which […]
The post Stop Right There: Unhealthy Habits to Kick for a Better Personal Life appeared first on Susan Lager.