Burned-Out Wives, Unbothered Husbands: The New Postpartum Crisis
I had just put to bed and joined a postpartum mom group on WhatsApp where new moms discussed everything about their journey as first-time, second-time, and many-time moms. They shared their joys, struggles, and pains, especially their pains. One of those pain-filled stories came from a second-time mom who had just birthed twins a few weeks ago.
Birthing the twins was no easy task, but life after bringing them into the world was tougher, especially with an extremely unhelpful husband, as she would later mention. She had no help, no mother-in-law to care for her and the twins. She had to do everything herself: cooking, cleaning, and making critical decisions in the home. She was totally worn out. It was a cry for help.
"Have you spoken to your husband about this?" I asked in the group, feeling incredibly sad for her.
Of course, she had. She had asked him multiple times to help out around the house - cleaning, washing, holding the kids, changing diapers- but he declined each time. His excuse? He worked every day and was too tired after work to lift a finger. And on weekends? Those were for him to mentally refresh from a long week.
Then she dropped the bomb: he also stood totally against her getting help.
As an educated Muslim woman, she knew the importance of financial independence in marriage. She had the money to hire a house help or a nanny, but her husband refused. He didn’t offer a solid reason-he just didn’t want her to get help. Perhaps seeing her do it all made him feel she was truly fulfilling her role as a mother?
This situation is painfully common among new parents, even those further along in their parenting journey. Many new fathers are simply not helpful. According to research by the Pew Research Center, fathers spend less than half the time mothers do on child care and household responsibilities.
Why is this so widespread?
Because many men are raised with the belief that their primary role is to provide. Society reinforces this. Religion is often misinterpreted to hammer it further, with verses like:
"Anyone who cannot provide for his household is worse than an infidel.”
After they provide, they expect applause. In their eyes, they’ve succeeded at the most important duty handed to them. But for new moms, especially without any help, provision alone just doesn't cut it.
Some women are lucky to have relatives support them temporarily, but most only stay a short while, some up to 3 months, depending on her method of delivery. According to studies, it can take 6 to 12 months for a woman to recover from childbirth. What happens after those 3 months of help are up?
Mothers expect their partners to step in: holding the baby, watching over them, giving the mother room to breathe, nap, and recover. Fathers can bathe the baby, feed them with breast milk or formula, soothe their cries, or take night shifts to allow the mother to rest. These acts can greatly boost a mother's mental health, which is often strained due to sleep deprivation and hormonal shifts.
And it doesn’t stop at baby care. A father can cook, help his wife with baths, give her a massage, take her out, or simply affirm her with love, especially when her body has changed after pregnancy.
Hiring domestic help often provides support for the baby, but not for the mother. The father still needs to be present emotionally and physically as a husband, not just a housemate.
Some men argue that working a 9-5 leaves them with no energy to help. But here’s the kickermany women resume work just months after giving birth. According to the International Labour Organization, a significant percentage of working mothers return to their jobs within 6 months postpartum, especially in dual-income homes where the man’s salary alone cannot cover the household.
Take the woman who shared her story: she’ll return to work when the twins are just 6 months old. Not because she wants to, but because she must. Her household cannot survive on her husband’s income alone. And yet, even after resuming work, she’ll still be expected to cook, clean, nurse her babies, and be emotionally available to a man who refuses to lift a finger.
Women are often told to "build their homes" as the Bible says:
"A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.”
But no one talks about how many women are building without foundations. Many husbands haven't laid the foundation of love, responsibility, or support. So their wives build on sinking sand.
Being a man today must be redefined.
A responsible man is not one who only provides. That definition is outdated. With more women in leadership, business, and corporate spaces, provision is now a shared duty.
A responsible man is one who:
- Fathers his children by being present, nurturing, and emotionally available.
- Takes care of his wife by lightening her burden, affirming her worth, and prioritising her recovery.
- Redefines masculinity not by how much he earns, but by how much he contributes to his home.
