(Almost) Giving Up

WebAdmin • June 26, 2012
A Woman is Sitting in Front of a Computer Holding Her Hair — Portsmouth, NH — Lager Susan R

Among the 10,000 other things I’ve been working on, I’ve been writing two books for the past eight or so months. They’re the first two in a series of Couplespeak™ guides about surviving and thriving in relationships. One is done, and in the complicated process of being properly formatted for publishing, and the other is soon to be born. I think they’ll both be wonderful – that is, if I don’t give up.


I’ve wanted to give up for the past few months, because of all the hassles and challenges of the project, and my wise, almost 25 year old son Alec says, “Mom, don’t give up! You’re about 85% of the way there!”


He’s right. It’s like deciding you might not want to have the baby when you’re entering your ninth month of pregnancy, and there’s nothing wrong with the baby! You wanted this baby. You planned it, did everything right. Now you want to bale?


The logical, mature therapist part of me knows this is probably “Fear of Success.” Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? We’re all familiar with “Fear of Failure,” but why would anyone fear success? And yet, most people have, at some point in their lives, hesitated or sabotaged themselves around some important project or dream, or most commonly, sabotaged a good relationship. That I see every day! People on the threshold of really positive developments, and they can’t integrate it psychologically, because it doesn’t jive with all their negative self scripts, so they just give up.


I saw a TV interview with the Principal of an inner city high school who talked about his daily battle to keep his students on track, competing with the lure of gangs and drugs. When asked if he ever felt like giving up, he laughed and said, “Of course! I actually do give up for a period of time every day. Then I go back, and continue to fight the battle.”


Maybe that’s the clue. Let yourself give up when you need to, then remember why you’ve been in it, and go back to your dream.


Giving up – for now,

Susan Lager


P.S. The name of the book is, “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat! (Coming out next month, if I give up just a little each day).

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By Susan Lager • March 31, 2024
This past month has been a whirlwind of initially trauma, then a series of sweet surprises and blessings. Following a serious car accident I've watched my body heal in unimaginable ways, consistent with the assurances of my doctors and nurses. I've learned about resilience, my own, but also other peoples'. My single sister came up to Maine to provide "nursemaid" services for two weeks, and graciously attended to me day and night. Her patience, diligence and compassion even surprised herself. My husband, who is limited physically, has done the same, also hauling my wheelchair in and out of the car, patiently fetching tons of thing I can't reach, and even walking Luca, our naughty dog, in the local park. This is all after "remodeling" our downstairs floor to be wheelchair-friendly, with all the supplies I need accessible - no easy feat! Our son and daughter-in-law have provided fabulous meals, visits, help with buying a new car, and new phones and watches so we can be more accessible. Our two granddaughters have visited and been loving, tender and attentive, surprisingly, at ages three and six! My other sister has provided funding for unlimited takeout meals, as her physical limitations prevent a late Winter visit up to Maine. Friends have provided dog walking, solicitous calls, and car trips to doctors while I'm unable to drive, with a broken right leg. Neighbors have provided the biggest surprises of all: multiple dog walks, pots of soup, ongoing offers of help, and continued concern about my status. I've been blown away by the compassion and generosity around me! These are people I would not previously have defined as "friends", but they sure will be, moving forward! Clients who previously insisted on live sessions, have been flexible and gracious in doing telehealth instead. One couple I've worked with for awhile sent me the largest, most beautiful bouquet of flowers I've ever seen in my life. I've also surprised myself with my resilience, mostly good cheer, adherence to the "Rules of Slow," and allowing others to help me, even asking for help when they can't read my mind. This has been virgin territory for me. So what's the lesson (besides trying to avoid avoidable car accidents)?: - Try not to shortchange either yourself or others with low expectations - see the possibilities. See the good in people. - Cultivate yourself as a Surpriser to others, particularly when they need it. Nurture community. Avoid self absorption. - Learn from adversity and grow. - Don't watch too much news, especially the traumatic stuff! It can distort your experience of life.... - Embrace the surprises that come your way, and let yourself feel deserving.