Couples Therapy Blog in Portsmouth, NH | Susan Lager

Home Upgrades That Boost Wellness and Strengthen Your Relationship

Sat, 28 Mar 2026 13:26:20 GMT

"Cheryl Conklin is a writer, tutor, and lifelong adventurer dedicated to promoting wellness and personal growth. As the founder of Wellness Central , she shares insights, resources, and experiences drawn from her journeys and passion for balanced living helping others pursue health, happiness, and fulfillment"

For couples in Portsmouth and Kittery juggling work, commutes, and shared responsibilities, the home can quietly become the loudest source of tension. Domestic stressors like constant clutter, harsh lighting, stale air, and cramped flow can drain energy and patience, turning small disagreements into patterns of disconnection. Over time, that home environment impact shows up as real physical and mental wellness challenges, sleep issues, headaches, anxiety, and shorter tempers that chip away at couples relationship health. Small, thoughtful changes can shift a house from a stress amplifier into restorative living spaces that support steadier moods and calmer connection.

Understanding Wellness Renovations and the “Why”

Wellness renovations are home changes designed to support how you feel, not just how things look. The core idea is simple: lighting, fresh air, and an easy layout directly affect mood, focus, sleep, and even how patient you can be with each other. When those basics improve, many couples notice physical shifts first, like fewer headaches or less fatigue.

This matters because relationship work is harder when your body is already stressed. Better light can reduce irritability, cleaner air can calm breathing and brain fog, and smoother movement through the home can lower daily friction. That creates more room for the skills you practice in therapy to actually stick.

Picture a weeknight when one person is cooking, the other is answering emails, and both feel crowded and snappy. Soft, adjustable lighting, a vent that clears odors quickly, and a clearer path through the kitchen can turn that same moment into something calmer.

With the “why” clear, practical upgrades become easier to choose and prioritize.

Pick 10 Wellness Upgrades You Can Start This Weekend

Small, wellness-focused home improvements can change how you feel day to day, and how you relate to each other when stress hits. Pick a few upgrades that support the “big three” you’ve already learned: light, air, and layout.

Do a 20-minute “light audit” and clear the path to your windows: Walk your main rooms together and notice what blocks daylight, heavy curtains, tall plants, a chair in the wrong spot. Try swapping to sheer panels, trimming back foliage, and keeping the windowsill clear for a full week. A study found office workers with windows got 173 percent more white light during the day, a reminder that simple access to natural light can matter.
Upgrade your bulbs for calmer evenings and better conversations: In the rooms where you talk (kitchen, living room, bedroom), replace harsh, mismatched bulbs with warm white LEDs and aim for consistent brightness across lamps. Put the brightest light where you do tasks, and keep the “talking zones” softer so faces look relaxed, not washed out. If you want one easy rule: brighter earlier, warmer dimmer later.
Create a “two-minute air routine” twice a day: Open two windows on opposite sides of your home for 5–10 minutes in the morning and late afternoon to improve indoor air circulation. If that’s not realistic, crack one window and run the bathroom or kitchen exhaust fan. Better airflow can reduce that heavy, stale feeling that often makes irritability and headaches worse.
Change HVAC and portable air filters on a shared schedule: Pick a date you’ll both remember (the first weekend of the month or every season change) and keep spare filters on hand. One partner can handle the purchase list; the other can do the swap, tiny teamwork, low conflict. If allergies or pets are in the picture, write the filter size on the unit with a small label so re-ordering stays easy.
Build a true quiet zone in one corner, not a whole room: Choose a small spot, one chair, one end of the couch, a bedside corner, and agree it’s for decompression, reading, stretching, or a five-minute cool-down. Add a soft rug, a throw blanket, and a “no problem-solving here” rule. Quiet zones in home layouts work best when they’re specific and protected, not vague.
Add soft surfaces to cut “argument echo”: If your space feels loud, start with what you can hear: footsteps, clanging, voices bouncing. Add a rug pad under area rugs, hang thicker curtains, and use felt pads under chairs. Lower noise can lower tension, especially during sensitive conversations.
Choose healthier materials for quick wins (paint, caulk, and sealants): If you’re patching or repainting, choose low-odor, low-VOC products and ventilate well for 24–48 hours. For anything that “smells strong,” treat it as a relationship issue too, plan it together so no one feels trapped in fumes. Healthy material selection is often about reducing irritants, not chasing perfection.
Set up “one surface per person” to reduce daily friction: Pick one small drop zone each, hooks, a tray, a basket, so keys, bags, and mail stop migrating into shared space. This is a layout upgrade that protects your mental load and prevents the same fight from repeating. Bonus: label it playfully so it feels like teamwork, not policing.

Choose two upgrades that support your energy this weekend, then write down what it costs, what tools you need, and whether any wiring or fan work should be handled by a pro, those notes make planning feel clear and calm.

Quick Questions Couples Ask About Wellness Upgrades

A few practical concerns can make planning feel steadier.

Wellness Renovation Checklist You Can Finish This Week

To stay steady and focused:

This wellness renovation checklist turns good intentions into small wins that support both comfort and connection. If you are pursuing accessible couples therapy and relationship growth in Portsmouth and Kittery, these steps help lower daily stress so your conversations can feel safer.

Choose one priority goal for comfort and one for connection
Set a clear budget cap and a simple timeline together
Improve sleep conditions with darker, quieter, cooler bedroom choices
Refresh indoor air with a fan upgrade or a filter schedule
Add safety supports with non-slip surfaces and sturdy grab points
Create a calm talk space with two seats and softened lighting
Reduce noise with rugs, curtains, and door seals

Check off one item today and notice how much easier teamwork feels.

Take One Restorative Design Step Toward a Calmer Home Together

When home feels cluttered, noisy, or out of sync, it’s easy for small stressors to spill into closeness and communication. The steadier approach is to treat wellness at home as empowering home transformation through small, restorative interior design choices that create intentional living spaces rather than chasing perfection. Over time, those choices support relationship well-being by making daily routines easier, calmer, and more connected, especially for couples building a life in the Portsmouth and Kittery area. Small home choices can protect connection when life feels busy. Choose one checklist item to complete this week and finish it in one focused block. That’s how couples wellness improvements become a home that supports resilience, health, and connection.

Marriage and Bad Hair Days

Fri, 06 Feb 2026 04:25:00 GMT

Greetings Reader,

Do you remember one of those days when everything that could go wrong, did? It happens to the best of us, and when it unfolds it feels like a sick dominoes game. My husband had one today, and couldn’t stop talking about all the gory details. Then when he was done, he seemed just ducky, and sat down to watch the news (about other people’s bad day).

Clients of mine often do that, and then seem to feel some catharsis when they’ve drawn me in as witness to the misery. However, I’m less likely to make the mistake of offering some chirpy spin on the story as a therapist, than I am as a spouse. In an effort to provide support or show empathy to our husbands or wives, I think we often give unsolicited advice, opinions or solutions. Husbands are usually the biggest culprits here, having been trained by the culture to “fix” things. We all need to LISTEN more, and ATTEND to our partner’s experience! They’ll usually tell us if they need anything else, or they’ll just go on with the story…

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my recently published articles about couples issues at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

A Sustainable Approach to Personal Development for Couples

Tue, 03 Feb 2026 16:08:09 GMT

"Cheryl Conklin is a writer, tutor, and lifelong adventurer dedicated to promoting wellness and personal growth. As the founder of Wellness Central , she shares insights, resources, and experiences drawn from her journeys and passion for balanced living, helping others pursue health, happiness, and fulfillment."

Couples often share goals, routines, and long-term plans, yet personal development can quietly become a source of friction if it’s rushed or uneven. Sustainable growth is less about constant self-improvement and more about pacing change so both partners stay engaged. When development feels integrated into everyday life, momentum builds naturally instead of collapsing under exhaustion.

Key Takeaways

● Sustainable growth favors consistency over intensity.

● Personal goals thrive when they’re acknowledged, not merged.

● Small rituals create more momentum than big declarations.

● Progress accelerates when reflection is shared, not forced.

Why Sustainable Growth Looks Different for Couples

Individual development is often framed as a solo pursuit, but couples add a relational layer that changes the math. One partner’s rapid change can unintentionally destabilize routines or expectations the other depends on. Sustainable progress respects that growth happens in parallel, not in lockstep, and that pauses are sometimes as valuable as breakthroughs.

Designing Personal Goals That Don’t Compete

Healthy couples distinguish between “mine,” “yours,” and “ours.” Personal goals should be named clearly so they don’t feel like silent benchmarks the other partner is expected to meet. This clarity reduces resentment and allows encouragement to feel supportive rather than evaluative.

How Couples Maintain Momentum

Couples maintain momentum when they rely on a small set of repeatable actions:

● Choose one personal focus each, limited to a three-month window.

● Agree on one shared habit that supports both goals indirectly.

● Schedule brief monthly check-ins to reflect, not recalibrate.

● End each cycle by naming what felt energizing versus draining.

How Education Choices Can Support Individual and Shared Stability

Career development often plays a role in personal growth, especially when it affects financial security and time. Earning a degree can expand career options and confidence, which often ripples positively through a relationship. Flexible programs make this more realistic, and an online path can help balance study with shared responsibilities. For example, pursuing an online degree in cyber security can build practical expertise in systems and services, networking and security, scripting and programming, data management, and the business of IT.

Comparing Growth Approaches Couples Often Try

Different strategies produce different long-term effects.

When Outside Guidance Helps Growth Stick

Some couples benefit from having a neutral structure that keeps growth from becoming personal critique. Working with a coach can help partners articulate goals, communicate more clearly, and build habits that last beyond initial motivation. Programs led by Susan Lager focus on strengthening communication while aligning individual priorities with shared values. A coach also helps couples navigate challenges and recognize progress, which keeps development from feeling like endless work. This kind of support can empower both partners to grow individually while staying grounded as a team.

Questions Couples Ask Before Committing to Growth

Couples considering a more intentional approach often want clarity before moving forward.

Will focusing on personal growth pull us apart?

When goals are communicated openly, growth tends to increase understanding rather than distance. The risk usually comes from unspoken expectations, not change itself. Shared reflection keeps development connected to the relationship.

How do we avoid comparing progress?

Comparison fades when goals are defined differently from the start. Each partner can track progress using personal metrics rather than shared ones. Regular check-ins focused on feelings, not outcomes, also help.

What if one of us loses motivation?

Motivation naturally ebbs, especially with long-term goals. Sustainable systems rely more on habits than enthusiasm. Support can look like patience rather than pushing.

Is it okay to slow down or pause?

Pausing is often a sign of awareness, not failure. Life changes, stress, or fatigue can make slowing down the healthiest option. Momentum can be rebuilt when conditions improve.

Do we need professional help to grow well together?

Not always, but guidance can shorten learning curves. Coaches and programs provide tools couples might otherwise take years to discover. The value often lies in clarity and accountability.

Conclusion

Sustainable personal development for couples is less about transformation and more about alignment over time. By pacing growth, honoring individual paths, and building simple rhythms, couples protect both progress and connection. When development feels integrated rather than imposed, momentum becomes something you maintain together. In the long run, that shared steadiness is what allows growth to last.

Using Major Transitions to Replace Bad Habits With Better Ones

Fri, 16 Jan 2026 01:51:32 GMT

"Cheryl Conklin is a writer, tutor, and lifelong adventurer dedicated to promoting wellness and personal growth. As the founder of Wellness Central , she shares insights, resources, and experiences drawn from her journeys and passion for balanced living helping others pursue health, happiness, and fulfillment"

Big transitions — a move, a breakup, a career shift, a new baby, a health scare, the start or end of a long relationship — shake the snow globe of daily life. They disrupt our rhythms and dissolve familiar routines. And in that disruption sits a kind of oxygen: brief, strange pockets of possibility where old habits loosen and new ones can take root.

Quick Snapshot

Change temporarily breaks the “autopilot” loops that keep unhelpful behaviors in place. When routines fracture, identity gets renegotiated, and our environment rearranges itself around new priorities. That’s your opening. With a little intention, transitions can become catalysts for healthier boundaries, better habits, clearer relationships, and more aligned goals.

When Everything Feels in Motion, You Can Choose What Stays Still

Not all change feels empowering at first. Some transitions arrive quietly; others crash in. But nearly all major shifts create what psychologists call a “liminal window” — a threshold moment where you’re not who you were before, but not yet whoever you’re becoming. In liminal windows, habits are unusually malleable. You get to rewrite scripts that once felt carved into stone.

One way to start is by locating the parts of your life that no longer feel like they belong.

A Few Places People Commonly Reset

Daily health habits (sleep, movement, eating patterns)
Emotional boundaries and communication
Career direction and skill development
Relationship dynamics
Financial behavior and planning
Creative or spiritual routines

How to Rebuild Yourself With Intention

Use this as a grounding tool during any big life shift:

Name three habits that no longer serve your future self.
Identify the trigger environments that kept them alive (time of day, location, emotional state).
Remove or redesign one trigger so the habit can’t auto-activate.
Choose one replacement behavior that’s simple, short, and rewarding.
Track only the wins , not the misses; momentum matters more than precision .
Tell a supportive friend or partner what you’re attempting to shift.
Revisit every two weeks to adjust based on what actually works.

Building a Healthier Relationship During Transition

Major changes can either strain or strengthen a romantic partnership. The difference often comes down to clarity, curiosity, and shared direction .

Try this reframing:

Instead of “How do we keep things the same?” shift to “Who are we becoming, and how do we support that together?”

Some grounding practices:

Name your individual needs out loud , even if they’re still forming.
Create a tiny weekly check-in ritual — 10 minutes, phones away, no fixing, just listening.
Avoid assuming your partner interprets change the same way you do. Ask, don’t guess.
Share the habits you’re trying to grow , not just the ones you want to leave behind.

Healthy partnerships flex with transition. They don’t require perfect stability — just mutual visibility.

Replacement Habits Based on Common Transition Types

When Work Is the Stressor

If a major life transition includes realizing your job no longer supports your well-being, that insight alone can become a turning point. Career misalignment often amplifies stress, disrupts sleep, and erodes confidence. When work stops challenging you — or pushes you into constant tension — a career switch can be a powerful mental reset.

For people wanting to shift into a profession with clear advancement pathways, online education offers a flexible route. For example, if you’re drawn to nursing leadership, informatics, education, or advanced practice, earning a master’s degree in nursing can open those doors. Programs can be completed from anywhere and on a schedule that adapts to your transition. To explore accredited online options, you can check it out before committing to a program.

Frequently Asked Questions

A Helpful Resource for Navigating Personal Change

If you want support staying grounded and intentional during a transition, the Insight Timer app is a flexible, free resource that blends guided meditations, short courses, and calming audio tracks. It’s particularly useful for people who need help managing stress, building new routines, or finding emotional steadiness while everything else is shifting.

One More Tool: A Micro “Reorientation” Routine

Use anytime you feel lost inside the transition:

Sit somewhere quiet for three minutes
Ask: What part of me is growing right now? What part is done?
Identify one behavior today that matches the “growing” answer
Do only that — nothing more required

Closing Thoughts

Major life shifts can feel like demolition, but they’re also design phases. When routines fall apart, you get to decide what the rebuilt version includes. Let your habits rise in the direction your future self is trying to go. Change creates the cracks — intention grows the roots. You don’t have to perfect the transition; you only have to participate in it.

How Newlyweds Can Build a Life Together That Actually Feels Good

Wed, 19 Nov 2025 19:38:58 GMT

The early days of marriage feel like a mixture of comfort, discovery, tiny surprises, and the occasional “Wait, you do it like that?” moment. Building a shared life is not about creating a perfect routine. It is about shaping a partnership where both people feel supported, understood, and genuinely excited for what comes next.

The Nitty Gritty

Create shared habits, stay curious about each other, talk about money openly, combine dreams with practical planning, and keep joy in the mix. This is your roadmap to a solid relationship.

FAQ

How to Build Partnership Momentum

Start with short, weekly check-ins about schedules, moods, and plans.
Combine financial hopes with lifestyle choices so you build a future you both want.
Pick a household task you always do together to stay connected during busy weeks.
Make room for fun that doesn’t require planning.
Revisit expectations once a month instead of letting frustration do the talking.

Checklist: Foundations That Support Lasting Love

We share financial goals openly
We practice small daily kindnesses
We create time together without screens
We check in emotionally
We make decisions as partners, not opponents
We give each other room to grow

Helpful Newlywed Insights

Treat responsibilities as shared rather than scored
Learn each other’s stress signals
Celebrate progress, not perfection
Build healthy money habits with a tool like YNAB
Protect couple time even in busy seasons
Keep asking each other new questions

Education and Long-Term Planning as a Couple

Some couples strengthen their future by investing in education as part of their long-term strategy. Earning a degree can support financial stability and open doors to new career paths that benefit the household.

Online programs help you study while maintaining your job, which makes the transition smoother. And if leadership, operations, and project planning interest one of you, a business management degree can build useful skills for the life you are creating. To explore program options, you can check this out .

Date Night: A Simple Relationship Habit

Creating a shared adventure list filled with small experiences you want to try over the next year can keep newlywed life lively. Simple outings, new foods, and local discoveries help break routine and deepen connection. Some couples pull ideas from everyday inspiration, including articles about fun, easy activities that spark new possibilities.

Conclusion

Building a life together is part love, part teamwork, and part choosing each other again every day. With open communication, shared planning, and steady affection, newlyweds can create a marriage that feels like home.

"Cheryl Conklin is a writer, tutor, and lifelong adventurer dedicated to promoting wellness and personal growth. As the founder of Wellness Central, she shares insights, resources, and experiences drawn from her journeys and passion for balanced living helping others pursue health, happiness, and fulfillment"

How to Prevent Anxiety Attacks Before They Start

Fri, 24 Oct 2025 16:24:58 GMT

Anxiety attacks rarely ask permission. They sneak in when the calendar is packed, when your phone won’t stop buzzing, or when even the people you love most can’t seem to help you calm down. If you're in a relationship, anxiety can feel doubly complicated — you’re managing your own emotional regulation while trying not to transfer that stress onto your partner. It’s a tightrope walk. The good news? You can build a daily structure that lowers your baseline anxiety and prevents full-blown panic from creeping in. Below are grounded, real-world techniques that help intercept anxiety before it spirals.

Build a system of support

One of the most quietly powerful tools in anxiety prevention is your personal network. Whether it’s a partner, a friend, or even a group chat of three people who “get it,” having emotional scaffolding is essential. Anxiety thrives in isolation. But consistent, emotionally safe conversations with others can serve as early pressure-release valves. This doesn’t mean trauma-dumping on your partner every time you feel off — it means weaving connection into your daily rhythm. You’ll notice that just knowing you’re not alone can soften spikes of panic before they even rise.

Shift your inputs, reclaim your agency

Anxiety often feeds on helplessness, but you can interrupt that cycle by steering your focus toward choices that reaffirm your sense of control. Start small. Water your plants. Walk your dog. Choose a podcast that calms rather than inflames. Swapping anxiety-producing inputs—like a relentless news cycle—for something soothing is a quiet power move. Nature helps here too. A few minutes outside, hands in soil or eyes on the sky, can anchor your nervous system. Even spending time with a pet can bring a sense of connection that asks nothing of you but presence. These aren’t distractions; they’re active ways to remind your brain that you’re not stuck, you're steering.

Consider structured learning as a form of stability

Not all anxiety stems from internal worry — sometimes it comes from life direction pressure. If you or your partner feel trapped in your current role, overwhelmed by tech shifts, or unsure what’s next, consider how structured learning can offer clarity. The bachelor of computer science at University of Phoenix is an example of how flexible, online education can help you build a new future without sacrificing your current life. Education doesn't have to be a stressor — it can be a tool that puts momentum behind your goals.

Flow through the day with movement

Stress builds in invisible ways — unprocessed thoughts, a crunched body position, shallow breathing. Movement breaks that pattern . You don’t need a 60-minute workout; you need physical punctuation throughout the day. Walk while on a phone call. Stand up and stretch between errands. Let your body help your brain reset. Partners can support each other here by co-creating rituals: after-dinner walks, shared dance breaks, stretch sessions. These micro-movements tell your nervous system, “we’re safe now.”

Build a Realistic Timeline

You can’t think your way out of a panic spiral — but you can breathe through it . That’s not a bumper sticker; it’s a biological truth. Your breath is one of the few tools that talks directly to your nervous system. Slow, diaphragmatic breathing tells your brain it’s not under attack. Meditation helps here, too — not as a quick-fix, but as a slow rewiring. If you're in a relationship, learning breathing techniques together can become an act of co-regulation. It’s not weird; it’s smart. Plenty of people don’t even realize they’re shallow-breathing until a partner mirrors it back.

Try micro-movements & grounding breaks

Sometimes anxiety doesn’t care how “healthy” you are — it just slams into your chest in the middle of a grocery store. That’s why stealthy, small grounding tools matter. Micro-movements, like pressing your thumb and index finger together or pressing your feet into the floor, bring you back to your body. These gestures may look subtle, but they’re neurologically potent. They’re perfect when you’re in public, around your partner, or even mid-conversation. You don’t always have to name the panic. You can move through it, physically.

Make food and substance choices that support your brain

Anxiety is deeply chemical — and your daily inputs shape those chemicals. If you’re pounding caffeine on an empty stomach, skipping meals, or drinking to wind down, you’re sending your nervous system on a rollercoaster. Certain foods and supplements (think magnesium-rich veggies, omega-3s, and complex carbs) can create a more stable baseline for your brain. Relationships also influence our habits, for better or worse. Be mindful of how shared routines — nightly wine, skipped meals, co-binging coffee — are shaping your system.

Anxiety isn’t always loud. It can be subtle, slow-dripping its way into your relationship, your routines, your sleep. But it’s not inevitable. You don’t need to overhaul your entire life — you just need to understand your nervous system and build scaffolding that supports it.

Transform your relationships with expert guidance from Susan Lager , where compassionate coaching and proven strategies await to help you build lasting connections.

Cheryl Conklin is a writer, tutor, and lifelong adventurer dedicated to promoting wellness and personal growth. As the founder of Wellness Central , she shares insights, resources, and experiences drawn from her journeys and passion for balanced living helping others pursue health, happiness, and fulfillment.

How to Juggle a Wedding, a Move, and a Mortgage Without Losing Your Mind

Wed, 01 Oct 2025 17:31:00 GMT

Planning a wedding is a full-time job. So is buying a home. Now imagine doing both at once — while also preparing to move, host family, and not lose your relationship in the process. For many couples, these life events collide within the same six to nine months, each demanding time, money, and emotional bandwidth. But chaos doesn’t have to be the default. With a bit of pre-alignment and some sharp trade-off thinking, you can move through all three transitions without burning out or breaking the bank.

Set a Shared Budget First

Big moves and big ceremonies both cost real money — and pretending they don’t just delays the pain. Instead of budgeting separately for each milestone, treat your wedding and home purchase as a single, shared financial system. Tally up your total available

resources: cash on hand, savings, upcoming income, and potential gifts or contributions. Then subtract hard costs first — the things you can’t negotiate — before dreaming about extras like signature cocktails or heated bathroom tiles. If your numbers make you wince, that’s not failure; that’s your roadmap . Being realistic early gives you space to say yes to the moments that matter most.

Talk Honestly About Money

This stretch of time will test how well you talk about money. It’s not just about who pays for what — it’s about how you both think, feel, and react to financial pressure. If you haven’t already, share your full financial picture : income, debt, credit score, monthly obligations, and spending triggers. No judgments — just clarity. Once everything’s on the table, define how you’ll make decisions together. Treat this as the start of your lifelong financial rhythm, not just a logistical phase.

Sequence Your Savings Goals

It’s tempting to try and “do it all” at once — but that’s a fast path to burnout or credit card debt. Instead, decide which big expenses hit first, and stack your savings accordingly. Buying a house before the wedding? Funnel early cash toward closing costs , inspections, and move-in expenses. Wedding coming sooner? Lock in deposits and essential vendors while maintaining a minimal emergency fund. You can still fund both dreams — just not on the same day. Sequence your ambition to match your cash flow and energy.

Share Roles and Tasks

Logistics will multiply if you don’t divide. Sit down and split responsibilities based on strengths, not tradition or default. If one of you thrives on spreadsheets, let them lead the home buying timeline. If the other is better with design or details, hand over the wedding vendors and guest list. Sync your calendars so no one is caught off guard by deadlines. And check in weekly — not to assign blame, but to re-align on what matters now versus later.

Build a Realistic Timeline

Trying to do everything “by June” isn’t a plan — it’s a panic attack waiting to happen. Create a clear timeline that places major milestones across both the wedding and the move. Factor in how long inspections, appraisals, or dress fittings can take — and give yourself breathing room between the two. Aim for at least two weeks between closing and moving , and at least a month between the move and your wedding date if possible. This isn't about perfection — it's about building slack into the system. That buffer is where your sanity will live.

Make Peace With Trade-Offs

You will not get everything. Accept that now, and you’ll be happier throughout the process. Maybe the wedding has fewer guests so you can afford better flooring. Maybe you delay furniture upgrades to afford a better honeymoon . The goal is not to “win” both dreams — it’s to feel proud of how you navigated them together. Every trade-off you make now is a step toward long-term stability. Choose meaning over flash, and you’ll remember this season for all the right reasons.

Protect Your First Home Together with a Warranty

Moving into your first shared home should feel exciting — not like a financial trap door waiting to open. One of the smartest things couples can do post-move is secure a home warranty. It’s an annual renewable contract that can cover sudden breakdowns to key systems like heating, cooling, plumbing, electrical, and major appliances. That means if your water heater goes out or your fridge dies a month after move-in, you’re covered. It’s not just about cost — it’s about preserving peace of mind when you’ve already got enough plates spinning. Learn more about the differences in home warranty plans .

Weddings, moves, and mortgages each carry their own chaos — and you’re about to do all three. But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice joy, sanity, or connection to get through it. With shared priorities, open communication, and a flexible timeline, you can turn this pressure-cooker phase into a foundation for partnership. Every conversation you have, every trade-off you choose, becomes part of your story. This isn’t just logistics — it’s your first major project as a couple. Make it one you’d be proud to remember.

Transform your relationships with expert guidance from psychotherapist and relationship coach Susan Lager , where couples can find healing and growth.

Two-Person Toolkit: Unconventional Ways Couples Can Lift Their Mental Health

Tue, 16 Sep 2025 18:49:22 GMT

You want to feel better together, not just “less stressed” in parallel. Aim for small, shared practices that nudge your bodies toward calm and your bond toward steadier connection. Treat each experiment as playful, not perfect, so you’ll both return to it next week. Keep the stakes low, the sessions short, and the feedback kind. Write down what helped and what didn’t so future you can copy the wins without overthinking. The point isn’t to become experts; it’s to build a few rituals that make hard weeks gentler and good weeks richer.

Forest bathing for two

Leave the earbuds at home and wander slowly under trees, setting a quiet pace you both can keep. Trade brief prompts like “what do you smell” or “two shades of green” to anchor attention in the moment. Borrow simple cues from sensory immersion in forests and treat the walk like a moving meditation with hands occasionally on bark or leaves. Keep the loop familiar so your nervous systems learn the route as a safety signal. End with one sentence each about what felt good so you encode the memory. Repeat weekly and watch your shared baseline calm rise.

Birdwatching as paired attention

Pick a nearby park at first light and make it a quiet date where noticing is the only goal. Choose one perch and play “I spy” with color, shape, and behavior, then swap roles holding the phone or small field guide. Let birding to ease anxiety guide your approach, adding a sound-ID app to help with names. Set a tiny challenge like spotting three distinct calls before coffee. Celebrate with a photo of your “lifers” list so the hobby feels like a story you’re building together. Gentle focus beats overthinking.

Volunteering for purpose and connection

Helping others resets perspective and gives your week a shared mission. Choose roles that match your energy—meal prep, library sorting, habitat cleanups—and schedule them like standing dates. Skim opportunities where volunteering boosts mood and purpose and start with one hour every other week so it’s easy to keep. Debrief afterward with three prompts: what was meaningful, what was hard, what you might try next time. Invite another couple once a quarter to widen your circle. Meaning plus motion is a strong mood combo.

Tai chi for calm strength together

Learn a short form and move in sync, letting slowness tell your bodies that things are safe. Start with two minutes, then add one minute per week until ten feels natural. For framing and basics, apply slow movement with calm attention and keep shoes, space, and expectations simple. Finish with quiet standing face-to-face so breathing settles together. Record a 20-second clip once a week to notice smoother transitions. You’ll gain balance, patience, and a shared sense of pace.

Pets and the steady bond

If life allows, consider fostering to test fit before adopting. Animals add routine, touch, and companionship that quietly reshape empty hours. This nonjudgemental companionship eases loneliness and offers you the opportunity for meaningful care, play, and walks that get you both outside. Split responsibilities so neither partner carries the load, and pair feeding times with your own stretch or water breaks. If full-time isn’t feasible, volunteer at a shelter for pet time without long-term cost. Shared caretaking builds teamwork and warmth.

Low-stress daily modalities you can rotate

Build a four-item menu you both like and rotate one per day: three minutes of box breathing, a warm shower plus slow shoulder rolls, herbal tea while you share “high, low, and hope,” and a short stretch before bed. Keep expectations friendly, not strict, so the routine invites you back. If you’re curious about forms of legal cannabis products, read about thca diamonds and their effects and ask your clinician about fit, especially if either of you takes medications or is pregnant. Many couples also experiment with evening magnesium; treat any supplement like a two- to four-week trial and track sleep and tension. Keep what’s kind to your systems and drop what isn’t.

Quick-start table: couple-friendly practices

Key points to note

Keep sessions short so you’ll repeat them on low-energy days.
Name one tiny win after each practice to reinforce the memory.
Protect your rituals on the calendar the way you’d protect an appointment.
Adjust for energy: “minimum viable version” beats skipping entirely.
Check in weekly about what to keep, change, or drop so the routine stays kind.

You don’t need dramatic fixes to feel closer and calmer; you need a few shared moves that fit the life you already have. Let trees, birds, service, paper, slow movement, and a wagging tail do quiet work on your mood. Keep experiments playful and track what helps so you can repeat it without debate. Rotate a couple of low-stress wind-down options to end the day on the same page. Talk to your clinician before adding supplements, then notice results together. Over time, these gentler choices become habits, and your partnership becomes a steadier place to stand.

Unlock the secrets to a more fulfilling life with expert insights and resources at Susan Lager’s website !

Study Tips and Strategies for Students With ADHD

Tue, 02 Sep 2025 05:39:33 GMT

If you’re a college student with ADHD, you should feel proud of your accomplishments. However, if you have ADHD, meeting your academic goals can be challenging.

Managing your ADHD and achieving academic success is a result of persistence and hard work. Thankfully, there are many tools and strategies to ensure a successful college experience.

Everything from time management and memory improvement to mindset changes and accessibility aids on campus can boost your study skills and help you meet your goals.

Mindset and confidence

Sometimes, the best way to succeed is to improve your confidence and mindset.

Negative thoughts are a constant struggle for many students, and confidence doesn’t come naturally for most people. Students with ADHD are often plagued by feelings of not measuring up to their peers and continuously compare themselves to others.

We’ll cover some great ways to change old belief patterns, allowing you to implement new support systems and tools to boost your morale and help you thrive in college.

Reject toxic productivity

Just “trying harder” isn’t the solution for those with ADHD. Most productivity messaging and tips are geared towards neurotypical people. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you’re failing at productivity just because you do it differently.

Try these productivity hacks instead:

Make the task at hand a game or challenge . This can infuse fun into the mix and keep things interesting.
Approach tasks with creativity. Find ways to spice it up!
Use a Pomodoro timer to break tasks up and gain a sense of accomplishment, and use urgency to your advantage as you try to beat the timer.
Micro-commitments can be an awesome productivity motivator, since you’re simply agreeing to do one little thing – like reading two pages right now.
Change your environment. Sometimes being around people can be stimulating.
Use a time-based goal: for example, “I’m going to do this one thing for 15 minutes and be done”.
Don’t stress or judge yourself for changing productivity tools as needed. It’s easy to get bored, and you may need a change of scenery, especially if you have ADHD.

Academic success begins with proper support

To maximize success, students with ADHD should prioritize finding a strong support system early in their college experience.

Students can progress and find fulfillment in both classwork and social life by joining a campus support group or counseling service. Individual coaching support is also available at some universities.

Joining communities of like-minded students and others who understand the challenges of ADHD can allow you to study in groups. This can bring a sense of belonging that you may not have experienced in other educational settings.

Support for college students with ADHD

Join a support group for students with ADHD.
Many colleges, such as Cal Poly , have group therapy meetings specifically for those with ADHD.
Collaborate with other students to form study groups.
Visit your campus disability services office to request any accommodations you might need; these might include quiet test-taking rooms and extended time to take exams.
Visit a cognitive behavioral therapist specializing in ADHD to improve executive function improvement and address roadblocks to take your academic success to the next level.

Hire an ADHD coach to set learning goals

Working with a coach who specializes in ADHD can revolutionize your college goal-setting and strategizing sessions.

Working with an ADHD coach provides a great way to plan your academic path, helping you optimize your strengths and set goals for the areas you need help in.

Your coach can help with organization and time management skills, as well as strategies for other personal or social struggles.

When choosing a coach , make sure they specialize in college students with ADHD. They will have the tools and knowledge necessary to ensure you can succeed.

Benefits of Exercise

Exercise is the unsung hero for college students with ADHD. After all, regular movement can help you think more clearly.

"Even a single session of moving your body can make you more motivated for mental tasks, increase your brainpower, give you energy, and help you feel less confused. It acts on your brain in a lot of the same ways as your ADHD medication."

Cardiovascular exercise provides extra oxygen and releases dopamine in the brain, which stimulates concentration and cognitive functions. It’s also a great way to release pent-up stress and anxiety.

Even a small amount of exercise can be a great way for college students with ADHD to start the day. Exercise is useful at any time of the day. Use it when you need it!

Improve cognitive skills

The term “executive function skills” refers to the cognitive abilities involved in organizing thoughts and activities, prioritizing tasks, managing time effectively, and making decisions.

These skills play a large role in implementing solid study strategies and learning structures in college. Students with ADHD vary in their abilities to manage projects, complete assignments, and achieve goals. After all, each person is unique.

Whether you struggle with time management, organization, processing, or all of the above, there are plenty of tools and tricks to help you. By implementing these, you will see an improvement in your learning and study skills.

Some common challenges include:

Struggles with time management and meeting deadlines
Difficulty organizing tasks and materials
Impaired ability to effectively prioritize tasks
Challenges in planning and executing complex projects
Difficulty maintaining attention and focus on tasks
Forgetfulness and frequently misplacing items
Trouble initiating tasks
Procrastination
Difficulty adapting to changes in routine or unexpected events

Time management tips

Managing studies, test preparation, classes, and regular life can be especially hard for those with ADHD. Organizing your time might sound challenging, but it can be done.

Remembering to show up for that study session or buy that textbook before classes start is entirely possible with these strategies and apps:

Apps such as Due will remind you over and over again of an important task or appointment.
Pomodoro timers help by splitting your day and tasks into small segments , allowing you to mark each one as complete. This provides regular doses of dopamine, which can provide a sense of accomplishment and motivation.
Some time management tools include a variety of functions. Many contain calendar, to-do lists , task manager functions, and more within the software, and they are well worth checking out.
One of the most complete task management tools is Tick Tick , which among dozens of other helpful tools, offers a Pomodoro timer and white noise.
Visual cues – Good visual cues for time management can be very effective. Try color-coded calendars or planners to differentiate tasks or priorities.

Utilizing a whiteboard or chalkboard to visually map out daily or weekly schedules can provide a clear overview of upcoming activities.

Additionally, implementing visual timers or countdown clocks can help maintain focus and provide a tangible sense of time passing. Sticky notes strategically placed in prominent locations can also serve as reminders for important deadlines or tasks.

Organization strategies for optimized learning

Even the best study strategies won’t work if you don’t stay organized . Adapting to new environments, like a new town, campus, or room can be disorienting for any student. For those with ADHD, it can be especially stressful.

Lacking organization skills isn’t just about losing things or being messy. Most of the time, students with ADHD grapple with disorganized thoughts , as well as physical organization challenges.

Keeping thoughts organized

The brain is like a supercomputer, so it’s no wonder we have a hard time controlling our thoughts and ideas. For those with ADHD, it can feel like you have 100 tabs open at once.

The following tips and tools can help college students with ADHD funnel their thoughts into manageable segments. Assigning an order to ideas and thinking habits will minimize distractions and maximize quality study time.

Mind mapping is a visual brainstorming tool to organize ideas or thoughts that center around a particular topic. There are several great apps for this, including one that works well with your smartphone .
Sticky notes (Post-Its) are great for visually-oriented students with ADHD. They provide a very tangible way to arrange thoughts and ideas, as well as reminders to complete tasks. There are many ingenious ways to use sticky notes to stay organized.
Hand-held recorders are easy and great on-the-go. If you don’t have paper and pen, or your thoughts are moving too fast, just speak into the palm of your hand. You can use your smartphone or a separate recorder.
Notebooks and planners come in a huge variety of digital and physical formats . These are great for writing thoughts and reminders, but you might need to try a few to see what works best for you.

Physical organization tips

Bringing order to your physical surroundings will help study time become more manageable and enjoyable. Losing things is one of the most frustrating struggles for those with ADHD. Organizing your spaces to work for you is key.

Whether it’s textbooks, loose papers, calculators, or other important objects, a centralized storage location can make a huge difference.

Using physical organizational tools creates visual reminders for where objects and study materials need to be. The following solutions can be easy ways to prevent organizational chaos.

Wire organizers: These can be wire racks or files that hang on the wall or a rack with wheels to keep near your desk or study space.

Basket: For a simple way to store keys, glasses, and other everyday objects, place a basket or bowl near your door. This way, you’ll know where to find everything before you need to leave.

Binder: Many students use binders to keep papers and assignments in one place . There are many different types of binders and ways to use them.

Organizing physical workspaces with clear bins or folders labeled with specific tasks or projects can also help reduce visual clutter and facilitate better organization and time management for those with ADHD.

Prioritizing tasks

Truly effective study skills depend on prioritizing tasks. It’s about assigning importance to certain things, while allowing other tasks to wait their turn. This is the art of prioritizing.

Students with ADHD may struggle to discern which tasks or assignments are most crucial and require immediate attention. This challenge can lead to spending excessive amounts of time on less significant tasks while neglecting more critical or time-sensitive ones.

As students with ADHD learn to identify and prioritize tasks based on importance and urgency, they can allocate their time and energy more effectively, ensuring that essential assignments are completed on time.

Create a prioritization system

Use the The Eisenhower Matrix , which teaches how to assign priority to projects depending on urgency and importance.
Use color-coding or highlighting to emphasize critical assignments.
Set reminders using alarms and digital tools to ensure prompt task completion.

Task management

Effective task management helps students break down overwhelming jobs into manageable steps in order to complete their assignments with confidence.

Task management aids can help students with ADHD manage their to-do list and deadlines in a visual way, which can greatly minimize procrastination.

The following apps are especially useful, since they offer a wide range of customization options and visual appeal.

Notion task management offers several choices for staying organized and on task, including a flexible online planner that’s customizable.

“The strength of Notion Planner is its ability to break down tasks and schedules into manageable and visually appealing formats. It provides various templates and frameworks that facilitate prioritization, goal-setting, and time management. Users can create to-do lists, set reminders, and establish routines to stay on track and meet deadlines effectively.”

When you get bored with the look of your system, just build a new dashboard with different images and colors to keep it new and exciting.

Omnifocus is an in-depth task management tool with many ways to manage daily academic tasks. Organize your important activities in this powerful system, which seamlessly integrates with Apple products.

Be aware that Omnifocus can be overwhelming and time-consuming to use. Make sure you are spending time on what you need to get done.

Classroom learning strategies

For students with ADHD, success in the classroom requires a different strategy. Unlike for other students, note taking, completing exams, and the need to move create unique challenges for those with ADHD.

Establishing a solid plan with the disabilities office ahead of time can transform lectures from an overwhelming event into a place of learning and growth. There is help for students with ADHD who struggle with taking notes, testing, and more.

Whether it’s through school resources or outside help, or a mixture of both, students with ADHD can develop effective learning strategies for the classroom.

Notetaking

If you’re an auditory learner, check with the campus accessibility office to ask if someone can accompany you to class and take notes during the lecture.
Put the date on top of all pages to track what date you covered the material.
Try taking notes by hand during class if you learn best by writing. This minimizes laptop distractions and helps you better assimilate information.
Leave a 3-inch margin on the left side of your paper and write notes on the rest. Use the empty space later to write questions or summaries for extra review.
Don’t try to write everything the professor says; instead, practice jotting down only important points, especially when preceded with “this will be on the test”.
If the professor seems to be speaking too fast, try writing key words you hear that will jog your memory so you can fill in details later.
Leave extra space in your daily notes or the back of your notebook for things you might have missed but want to revisit.
You can also use extra space in your notes for drawing or doodling, which may improve your focus as you listen.
If you prefer typing notes, transfer your written notes to your laptop while studying. You'll retain the information better by reviewing it a second time.
Use various colors of pens and highlighters or sticky tabs to organize important topics.
Apps such as Evernote , OneNote , and Obsidian can be very helpful as digital tools for notetaking or transferring handwritten notes to your laptop.

Test taking

If you need extra time to take tests, check with the accessibility/disability services office on campus to request additional time.
Additionally, ask for a quiet space to take your tests if auditory or visual distractions are a problem for you.
The day before your test, practice with quizzes if possible. Try this quiz app for fun.
For multiple choice tests, read the question slowly to be sure you understand and then go with your gut when you’re not sure. Your first guess is usually right .
Put a star or mark near any difficult questions you don’t have answers for and complete the questions you are sure about. Come back to the harder ones later to think through them more thoroughly.
If you’re an auditory learner, you may be allowed to take an oral exam instead. Check with the accessibility office or your professor.
For essay exams, complete the easiest questions first and then take extra time for the difficult parts. Use the sandwich method : intro point, three key points, and conclusion.

Movement needs

Bring a squeeze ball to class to incorporate some quiet movement without distracting others.
Spin rings are also great during lectures.
Leave space on your notebook paper for drawing, or keep a dedicated doodle pad on your desk while listening to your professor.
Depending on the setup of the classroom, request an exercise ball so your body can move. This might work well during small group study sessions.
Chewing gum can help some students with ADHD concentrate better.
Small items, such as silly putty, beaded bracelets, or puzzle cubes can help keep your hands occupied during long lecture sessions.
Stand or stretch regularly if you can . Sometimes, sitting near the back of the lecture hall can make this easier.
Exercising before class, as well as walking or biking briskly on the way to class, is an excellent way to release excess energy.

Information retention and processing while studying

Students with ADHD often find it difficult to process and memorize study materials effectively before the test. Here are some tips and study strategies to retain the information you study.

Preparing for tests

Test preparation presents its own set of challenges if your brain can’t slow down or focus on memorizing and retaining concepts. For students with ADHD, flashcard apps could be a lifesaver.

Flashcard apps for ADHD

Cram - You can add photos or text to your study cards , which include a hint section as well. Use either Memorization or Cram mode. Memorization mode allows you to advance through the cards at your own pace, while Cram mode won’t let you continue until you give the right answer.
Quizlet - Create your study set with the necessary facts to include text, audio, and visuals that will keep you engaged. This program is available on their website or app. There are various modes, including partial credit for answers.
StudyStack - If you love games , you’ll thrive with this app that helps you learn important material. It’s fun and easy to create flashcards, crosswords, matching games, and more.
Adobe Spark - This app is perfect for visual learners who enjoy colors. You can select a theme and add the information to your cards, which makes study time much more visually appealing.

Tips for retaining information

Utilize active recall as much as possible. Talk about what you’re studying, read notes out loud, or make games with quizzing apps.
The Feynman technique is a way to review information you want to retain by learning it yourself and then teaching it to someone else . The act of showing or teaching another person solidifies the information in your brain.
Summarize material as you’re reading through notes or your textbook, and take frequent breaks to write a small synopsis of each important section. You can use colored sticky notes to draw attention to parts needing the most review.
Highlighters in different colors can emphasize facts and topics you’d like to focus on.
Colored sticky notes can serve as small notepads to summarize text or notes you’re studying. Classify the topics by color for even more organization.
Mnemonics can be very helpful for memorizing tricky information . This is a strategy that uses rhymes, phrases, acronyms, and songs for effective memorization.
Speech to text apps can be powerful tools for studying and information retention. Many students with ADHD do better by hearing the information out loud. Apps like Speechify even work with iPhones, so students can listen and digest information while on the go.
Mind Mapping is a great way to actively review important study material in a very hands-on and visual way. By breaking down important topics into smaller subtopics, you can strengthen your memory recall. You can draw a mind map on paper with brightly colored pens or create one with apps like Coggle and Ayoa .

Conclusion

Improving study techniques and learning strategies for college students with ADHD requires a multifaceted approach that uses the best tools and aids available.

Leveraging notetaking and study apps, along with improving your mindset and physical health, can greatly help college students with ADHD meet their academic goals.

Moreover, honing organizational and time management skills gives students the freedom to learn without the stress of disorganization.

By integrating unique strategies and accessibility aids into a regular academic routine, college students with ADHD can unlock their full potential and thrive in higher education.

Additional resources

For colleges with strong programs for ADHD and other learning differences.

https://chadd.org/for-parents/finding-the-right-college/
https://www.collegetransitions.com/dataverse/learning-support-services

Check out this college survival guide for students with ADHD.

Suggested reading: Atomic Habits by James Clear and ADHD 2.0:New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction--from Childhood through Adulthood by Dr. Edward M. Hallowell and Dr. John J. Ratey.

How Couples Can Strengthen Their Relationship to Truly Thrive

Thu, 28 Aug 2025 15:26:46 GMT

Photo via Pexels

Thriving as a couple isn’t something that just happens over time—it’s built, tested, and rebuilt through daily choices and shared attention. In a culture obsessed with independence and personal optimization, building a relationship that deepens over time requires more than chemistry or compatibility. It demands habits that create psychological safety, tools that support emotional regulation, and a willingness to update how you relate when old dynamics no longer serve. Whether you're navigating a transition, recovering from disconnection, or simply wanting to create something stronger, the effort is worth it. What follows isn’t a step-by-step guide—it’s a structure of moves that build capacity for long-term connection.

Keep Your Friendship Alive

Long-term couples who report high satisfaction often share something beyond romance—they genuinely like each other. That’s not automatic. In the crush of logistics and responsibilities, friendship can fade into background noise unless it’s deliberately kept in focus. Laughing at private jokes, checking in on small wins, and asking each other non-utilitarian questions all matter. Deep connection is often built in the spaces between big moments, not just inside them. To sustain that spark, learn how other couples actively keep your friendship alive through low-pressure, recurring rituals that don’t feel like work.

Build a Business Together

When love meets logistics, some couples take the leap into shared business ownership. That’s not just a professional move—it’s a relational one. Co-founding something can sharpen communication, expose tension points, and accelerate emotional alignment or misalignment. Before diving in, it’s worth understanding how legal structures work. For example, are a husband and wife considered a single member LLC ? The answer can impact your taxes, liability, and long-term equity arrangements. Formalizing a shared venture isn’t just about paperwork—it’s about building clarity, commitment, and aligned expectations from the start.

Simple Habits That Maintain Connection

Routines can numb or nourish, depending on how they’re shaped. The trick is designing habits that maintain closeness without slipping into autopilot. Check out these simple habits that maintain connection that many couples use to stay centered inside daily life. You don’t need big events or scheduled “quality time” to stay emotionally tethered. Think small, repeatable actions like a shared end-of-day moment, a standing question you ask before bed, or a monthly check-in where both of you talk future and friction. These patterns create emotional predictability, even during chaotic life seasons.

Balance Positive and Negative Moments

Arguments aren’t the enemy—emotional whiplash is. Healthy couples fight. But they also remember to repair , to play, to notice, and to appreciate. Psychologist John Gottman famously observed that stable couples exhibit a 5:1 ratio—five positive interactions for every negative one—even during arguments. That doesn’t mean forced compliments or fake cheer. It means weaving small positive threads into the emotional fabric of your day so that disconnection doesn’t take over. If you’ve never tracked how often you joke, flirt, or affirm your partner, now’s the time to start.

Seek Therapy Even When Things Feel Good

One of the most overlooked practices in thriving relationships is seeking support before things break. It’s easy to assume therapy is a last resort, but in truth, some of the strongest couples make counseling a tool for maintenance , not just repair. Talking through dynamics in calm seasons helps uncover subtle patterns, align expectations, and reduce emotional surprises during more turbulent times. It’s not about “fixing” something that’s wrong—it’s about honoring something that’s working.

There’s no single formula for a thriving relationship, but there is a mindset: don’t wait. Don’t wait for a breakdown to get curious. Don’t wait for the perfect timing to create structure. Don’t wait until years pass to start asking better questions.

Discover the transformative power of relationship coaching with Susan Lager , where expert guidance meets compassionate care to help you build lasting, meaningful connections.

Burned-Out Wives, Unbothered Husbands: The New Postpartum Crisis

Wed, 16 Jul 2025 14:40:18 GMT

I had just put to bed and joined a postpartum mom group on WhatsApp where new moms discussed everything about their journey as first-time, second-time, and many-time moms. They shared their joys, struggles, and pains, especially their pains. One of those pain-filled stories came from a second-time mom who had just birthed twins a few weeks ago.

Birthing the twins was no easy task, but life after bringing them into the world was tougher, especially with an extremely unhelpful husband, as she would later mention. She had no help, no mother-in-law to care for her and the twins. She had to do everything herself: cooking, cleaning, and making critical decisions in the home. She was totally worn out. It was a cry for help.

"Have you spoken to your husband about this?" I asked in the group, feeling incredibly sad for her.

Of course, she had. She had asked him multiple times to help out around the house - cleaning, washing, holding the kids, changing diapers- but he declined each time. His excuse? He worked every day and was too tired after work to lift a finger. And on weekends? Those were for him to mentally refresh from a long week.

Then she dropped the bomb: he also stood totally against her getting help.

As an educated Muslim woman, she knew the importance of financial independence in marriage. She had the money to hire a house help or a nanny, but her husband refused. He didn’t offer a solid reason-he just didn’t want her to get help. Perhaps seeing her do it all made him feel she was truly fulfilling her role as a mother?

This situation is painfully common among new parents, even those further along in their parenting journey. Many new fathers are simply not helpful. According to research by the Pew Research Center, fathers spend less than half the time mothers do on child care and household responsibilities.

Why is this so widespread?

Because many men are raised with the belief that their primary role is to provide. Society reinforces this. Religion is often misinterpreted to hammer it further, with verses like:

"Anyone who cannot provide for his household is worse than an infidel.”

After they provide, they expect applause. In their eyes, they’ve succeeded at the most important duty handed to them. But for new moms, especially without any help, provision alone just doesn't cut it.

Some women are lucky to have relatives support them temporarily, but most only stay a short while, some up to 3 months, depending on her method of delivery. According to studies, it can take 6 to 12 months for a woman to recover from childbirth. What happens after those 3 months of help are up?

Mothers expect their partners to step in: holding the baby, watching over them, giving the mother room to breathe, nap, and recover. Fathers can bathe the baby, feed them with breast milk or formula, soothe their cries, or take night shifts to allow the mother to rest. These acts can greatly boost a mother's mental health, which is often strained due to sleep deprivation and hormonal shifts.

And it doesn’t stop at baby care. A father can cook, help his wife with baths, give her a massage, take her out, or simply affirm her with love, especially when her body has changed after pregnancy.

Hiring domestic help often provides support for the baby, but not for the mother. The father still needs to be present emotionally and physically as a husband, not just a housemate.

Some men argue that working a 9-5 leaves them with no energy to help. But here’s the kickermany women resume work just months after giving birth. According to the International Labour Organization, a significant percentage of working mothers return to their jobs within 6 months postpartum, especially in dual-income homes where the man’s salary alone cannot cover the household.

Take the woman who shared her story: she’ll return to work when the twins are just 6 months old. Not because she wants to, but because she must. Her household cannot survive on her husband’s income alone. And yet, even after resuming work, she’ll still be expected to cook, clean, nurse her babies, and be emotionally available to a man who refuses to lift a finger.

Women are often told to "build their homes" as the Bible says:

"A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.”

But no one talks about how many women are building without foundations. Many husbands haven't laid the foundation of love, responsibility, or support. So their wives build on sinking sand.

Being a man today must be redefined.

A responsible man is not one who only provides. That definition is outdated. With more women in leadership, business, and corporate spaces, provision is now a shared duty.

A responsible man is one who:

Fathers his children by being present, nurturing, and emotionally available.
Takes care of his wife by lightening her burden, affirming her worth, and prioritising her recovery .
Redefines masculinity not by how much he earns, but by how much he contributes to his home.

True responsibility begins not when the child is born, but when the woman you love is carrying the weight of two lives in her body, heart, and hands.

Modupe Ayobami is a relationship and family psychology writer whose work explores the complex intersections of love, marriage, culture, and religion. Follow her for more on Medium to read more exciting content.

Why Women Are Secretly Hiding Their Wealth from Their Husbands by Modupe Ayobami

Tue, 08 Jul 2025 21:55:37 GMT

Modupe Grace Ayobami is a passionate writer, relationship thinker, and storyteller who explores the intricacies of love, marriage, and human connection from a place of honesty and healing. She writes to challenge toxic norms, champion emotional intelligence, and inspire people to choose themselves boldly before choosing a partner. Her work is rooted in deep empathy, biblical insight, and a desire to see healthier relationships thrive across cultures.

Infidelity and abuse often top the list of reasons marriages fall apart. But there’s another, quieter force shaking homes apart: money, or more precisely, shifting financial power.

In most traditional households, especially across Africa and other patriarchal societies, men are the breadwinners. Women may contribute small amounts or depend entirely on their husbands. But what happens when that dynamic flips? When a woman earns more than her husband? It’s more common than we admit, and more destructive than most couples anticipate.

When She Starts Earning More

Let’s paint a familiar picture: a woman gets married, her husband provides for the home, and she either runs a small business or is unemployed. A few years later, she lands a job, or scales her business, and starts earning five times more than her husband.

If the roles were reversed and the husband’s income increased dramatically, it would be a celebration. Small parties might be thrown. He’d support not just his immediate family but his in-laws, extended relatives, and even friends. He’d invest, upgrade their home, sponsor people, and still have enough left over to spoil his wife and children.

But when the woman’s income increases?

Research shows a different story.

A 2019 University of Bath study found that couples are most stable when the man earns more. When women become the main earners, men report feeling emasculated and anxious. Their sense of masculinity, often tied to their ability to provide, begins to crack.

The U.S. Census Bureau reported that women outearning their husbands has increased significantly over the past decades, yet marriages where this happens face a 33% higher risk of divorce (source: Pew Research).

Socially, the expectations don’t shift. Many women still believe their husband should finance the home, provide for the kids, and give them a monthly allowance, even when their income far exceeds his.

In contrast, when the man earns more, women aren’t expected to cover any household expenses. In fact, some even expect an increase in their allowance.

The Unspoken Resentment

A viral comment by a Nigerian woman on X (formerly Twitter) summed it up: “The day I told my husband I got promoted, he said 'congrats' and walked away. No excitement, no prayer, no celebration. Weeks later, he stopped paying the kids’ school fees.”

Many women report:

● Being told to start sending their salary to their husbands

● Their husbands withdrawing financial support completely

● Sex life deteriorating, sometimes stopping entirely

● Their husbands accusing them of being proud, rude, or unsubmissive

And still, these women continue cooking, cleaning, caring for the children, and now footing the bills. It's an emotional and financial double burden.

Some men seek validation elsewhere. They start relationships with women who earn less, because it allows them to feel needed again. A 2021 study by the American Sociological Association found that men in relationships where their female partner earns more are more likely to cheat.

Why This Dynamic Exists

Society and religion have long linked manhood with provision. In some cultures, a man’s wealth is judged by how well his wife and children look. When the wife starts outperforming him, he feels his social standing slipping.

Biblical patriarchs like Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob were providers. While the Bible doesn't demonise successful women, cultural interpretation often does. A woman earning more is seen not as a blessing, but as a threat to the man’s authority.

Because of this, many women intentionally shrink. They:

● Avoid scaling their businesses

● Hide income in secret accounts

● Invest in properties unknown to their husbands

Some, like one anonymous woman confessed, “I’d rather keep earning N200k and have peace in my marriage than earn N2 million and lose it all.”

The Solution Isn’t More Secrecy

The solution is reorientation.

1. Marriage must be seen as a team sport. Whoever earns more should not feel guilty, and the lower-earning partner should not feel inferior. The benefits of higher income must serve the family, not divide it.

2. Shared responsibilities: If the wife now pays the rent, the husband should help with cooking, childcare, or chores. Money shouldn’t be the only contribution measured.

3. Cultural rewiring: Phrases like “a man must provide” or “a woman’s money is her own” must be retired. We must teach sons and daughters to value partnership, not power plays.

4. Celebrate each other’s wins: Whether it’s the man or woman getting promoted, celebration should be equal. As Davido once sang, “Love is sweet o… but when money enter, love is sweeter.” That applies to both sides.

A woman earning more should not be a marital death sentence. Her success should not be her shame. Her growth should not make her husband smaller.

Marriage math is simple: 1 + 1 = 1. And if one part of that one grows, the whole should rise with it.

If we can reframe how we see financial power in marriage, we can stop turning love into competition, and start turning it into collaboration.

More images available on request

Modupe Ayobami writes on relationships, marriage, family psychology, and the intersection of culture and religion.

Surprises

Sun, 31 Mar 2024 13:22:36 GMT

This past month has been a whirlwind of initially trauma, then a series of sweet surprises and blessings. Following a serious car accident I've watched my body heal in unimaginable ways, consistent with the assurances of my doctors and nurses.

I've learned about resilience, my own, but also other peoples'. My single sister came up to Maine to provide "nursemaid" services for two weeks, and graciously attended to me day and night. Her patience, diligence and compassion even surprised herself.

My husband, who is limited physically, has done the same, also hauling my wheelchair in and out of the car, patiently fetching tons of thing I can't reach, and even walking Luca, our naughty dog, in the local park. This is all after "remodeling" our downstairs floor to be wheelchair-friendly, with all the supplies I need accessible - no easy feat!

Our son and daughter-in-law have provided fabulous meals, visits, help with buying a new car, and new phones and watches so we can be more accessible. Our two granddaughters have visited and been loving, tender and attentive,

surprisingly, at ages three and six!

My other sister has provided funding for unlimited takeout meals, as her physical limitations prevent a late Winter visit up to Maine.

Friends have provided dog walking, solicitous calls, and car trips to doctors while I'm unable to drive, with a broken right leg.

Neighbors have provided the biggest surprises of all: multiple dog walks, pots of soup, ongoing offers of help, and continued concern about my status. I've been blown away by the compassion and generosity around me! These are people I would not previously have defined as "friends", but they sure will be, moving forward!

Clients who previously insisted on live sessions, have been flexible and gracious in doing telehealth instead. One couple I've worked with for awhile sent me the largest, most beautiful bouquet of flowers I've ever seen in my life.

I've also surprised myself with my resilience, mostly good cheer, adherence to the "Rules of Slow," and allowing others to

help me, even asking for help when they can't read my mind. This has been virgin territory for me.

So what's the lesson (besides trying to avoid avoidable car accidents)?:

- Try not to shortchange either yourself or others with low expectations - see the possibilities. See the good in people.

- Cultivate yourself as a Surpriser to others, particularly when they need it. Nurture community. Avoid self absorption.

- Learn from adversity and grow.

- Don't watch too much news, especially the traumatic stuff! It can distort your experience of life....

- Embrace the surprises that come your way, and let yourself feel deserving.

Acceptance

Sat, 23 Mar 2024 17:34:11 GMT

This is a subtitle for your new post

I have recently had a hard lesson on this subject after having a serious car accident last month. It was a cold day with icy roads and blinding sun as I drove East toward a local park to run Barley, our son's dog. Unfortunately, I dropped my sunglasses and foolishly did a quick dive for them, then ended up in a deep gulley on the side of the road, and hit a tree. The car was demolished, I ended up with 16 broken bones, but luckily, Barley was unscathed! Thankfully, his pre-existing dementia has probably protected him from remembering the event!

Here I am, 3 weeks later, after two hospitalizations, fortunately with no permanent injuries, and no needed surgeries. Most importantly, no brain damage, so I'm my usual feisty, engaged and passionate self, able to do my work remotely.

The unfortunate part that I've had to accept is being wheelchair - bound for at least 6 weeks, and dependent on my tired husband and sister to be nursemaids to me. Ugh!

No usual 20 year old energy, doing this and that each day, running Luca, our dog in local parks when he's not in daycare. No stairs, so no upstairs showers or bedroom amenities like sleeping in a normal bed. No speed at anything now, as the smallest of actions need to be intentional and SLOW to prevent further injuries. (Having to accept and embrace SLOW has been totally foreign for me, like being a 90 year old)!

I've had to accept routinely asking for help without shame or guilt, and graciously accept the ways people provide it. My friends, family and neighbors have been amazingly generous with their time, offering meals, dog walks, and various services.

And each day I'm miraculously getting stronger with less pain, and more functionality!

What I can tell you about Acceptance is that it's multi-pronged:

It requires staying present and not going into regrets or "woulda-shoulda coulda''s"

It requires the ability to count your blessings and lean into gratitude rather than focus on self pity - (It's amazing I survived this particular wreck! and have been the recipient of so much love and care).

It requires the willingness to learn from experiences and see them as sometimes difficult, but valuable tools.

It requires self compassion, and being gentle with yourself.

It requires patience and perspective. "This too shall pass. Nothing is forever."

It requires quieting the possible noise in your head, the toxic narratives you may spin about causality or fate.

And for me, it really requires a sense of humor - without laughing too much because that doesn't jive well with broken ribs...... :)

Susan

Navigate Marriage and Life-building in Your Golden Years: A Comprehensive Guide for Senior Couple

Mon, 15 Jan 2024 16:17:00 GMT

Here’s another piece by Cheryl Conklin about the joys and challenges facing senior couples, something very common in my work.

Aging together gracefully requires intentionality around all these issues, in addition to being conscious and collaborative around parenting grown children and grandchildren.

I recommend that couples build in check-ins regularly around all these tasks so the division of labor, progress, and any conflicts are clear, and available to be addressed.

For senior couples, uniting in marriage and crafting a life together during the golden years presents a unique set of joys and challenges. Melding two lives, managing finances, and even considering entrepreneurial endeavors offers an array of opportunities for growth and exploration. This article from Susan Lager will detail essential considerations to ensure a smooth and fulfilling journey as you intertwine your lives in this vibrant stage.

Finding the Perfect Home

As you make plans for your combined future, selecting the ideal home becomes paramount. Consider engaging in research on locations that cater to senior lifestyles. Seek areas with desirable amenities, healthcare facilities, and communities that encourage social interaction. Online search tools make it easy to filter through what’s available to find options that meet your needs. Remember, the right home for your retirement years should not only be a place of comfort but also one that caters to both your needs and interests.

Boosting Home Value through Updates

Enhancing the value of your property can be achieved through strategic home updates. Consider renovations that increase safety, accessibility , and aesthetics. Focus on home improvement projects that add both comfort and value, such as installing grab bars, updating the kitchen, or landscaping. Such endeavors not only make your living space more enjoyable but can also yield a higher resale value.

Managing Your Finances

Merging lives also means combining finances. It’s imperative to have transparent conversations about assets, liabilities, and financial goals. Set a joint budget , ensure clarity on ownership of assets, and regularly review your financial plan. Prioritize savings and investments, aiming for a secure and comfortable future for both.

Navigating Medicare

With age, the prominence of healthcare concerns inevitably elevates, necessitating a deeper understanding and navigation of available healthcare options, such as Medicare. It is crucial to delve into the intricate details and nuances of Medicare to fully comprehend the varied options available and to familiarize oneself with the enrollment processes involved. Additionally, an assessment of individual healthcare needs and preferences is vital, serving as a compass to guide one’s choice to a Medicare plan that best aligns with their specific requirements. By ensuring a fit between personal healthcare needs and the selected plan, individuals can optimize the benefits received, facilitating a more secure and well-managed healthcare experience in their later years.

Updating Tax Filing and Social Security

Marriage can alter your tax status and can impact your Social Security benefits . Engage with a tax professional to ensure your filings reflect your new marital status. Additionally, investigate how to optimize Social Security benefits for both partners, ensuring you leverage the most from what you’ve earned over the years.

Starting a Business Together

If entrepreneurship piques your interest, launching a joint business can be an exciting venture. Reflect on mutual passions and skills, and consider the advantages of forming a business entity. Wherever you’re considering as your base, researching how to start an LLC will offer valuable insights into the process.

Marketing Your Business Creatively

To ensure business success, effective and innovative marketing is crucial. Tapping into online tools can make this easier; for branding, here’s a possible solution: utilize online logo makers to develop a distinctive brand image. Further, devise strategies that highlight your business’s unique offerings, ensuring it stands out in the marketplace and attracts potential customers.

Exploring the World Together

Traveling can further cement your bond, providing shared memories and experiences. Chart out travel plans that cater to senior needs , ensuring comfort, safety, and engagement. Opt for destinations that align with mutual interests, be it nature, culture, or adventure, and create memories that will be cherished for a lifetime. Navigating the intertwining of lives, managing shared finances, and pursuing shared dreams offers senior couples a unique tapestry of experiences. By focusing on these key aspects and approaching each decision with care, senior couples can ensure a life that’s as fulfilling as it is enriching. With open communication, planning, and a dash of adventure, the golden years promise to be a period of unparalleled joy and growth.

Susan Lager is a licensed, board-certified psychotherapist and relationship coach in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Through her psychotherapy or coaching services, she can provide you with skills and tools to transform your life.

Finding Each Other Again: Rediscover Love in Mid-Life

Wed, 03 Jan 2024 22:14:00 GMT

Here’s another very astute piece by Cheryl Conklin of https://wellnesscentral.info addressing an issue which comes up frequently in my work with individuals and couples – how to nourish love at the “halfway” point, how to keep love and pleasure alive long after the original glow has worn off.

And, contrary to popular myth that it’s all about the chemistry continuing to work magic or not, as per this article, it’s more about fueling pleasure, closeness, appreciation, discovery and excitement – fueling love which is no longer driven by initial bonding hormones.

And, the good news? With practice and intention, it can be done!

As you and your partner navigate the intricacies of mid-life, it’s important to recognize this phase as an opportunity for growth and revitalization in your relationship. This guide from Susan Lager’s Couplespeak™ Blog provides strategies aimed at uncovering sources of inspiration and positivity, which can significantly deepen the bond you share. Embrace this period as a chance to strengthen your connection and rediscover each other in new, meaningful ways.

Disconnect to Reconnect

In this era of constant digital connectivity, stepping back from technology can be transformative . Consider designating tech-free zones in your home or tech-free hours in your day. Use this time to engage in activities that foster closeness and communication with your partner. Whether it’s revisiting old hobbies or simply sharing thoughts over a cup of coffee, these moments can significantly strengthen your relationship.

Embrace the Joy of Giving Back

Volunteering together can open new avenues for connection and purpose. Engaging in community service not only brings a sense of accomplishment but also helps you and your partner see the world from a broader, more compassionate perspective. This shared experience can bring a fresh sense of inspiration and positivity into your lives. It encourages empathy and understanding, strengthening the bond you share. Through these acts of service, you and your partner can gain a deeper appreciation for each other and the world around you.

Balance Work and Relationship

Creating a harmonious work-life balance is vital. Discuss and respect each other’s work boundaries to ensure that your relationship remains a priority. Regularly setting aside time to focus solely on each other helps maintain a healthy, supportive partnership. This balance allows you to nurture your relationship while still pursuing professional goals. It’s about finding a rhythm that works for both of you, where neither feels neglected nor overwhelmed.

Start a Daily Gratitude Practice

Daily expressions of gratitude can significantly uplift your relationship. Take time each day to share something you appreciate about your partner. This simple practice can transform your perspective, encouraging a more positive outlook on life and strengthening your bond. It’s about acknowledging the small things, the everyday acts of kindness, and the unique qualities that your partner brings to your life. This habit fosters a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship.

Face Challenges Together

If substance use is impacting your relationship, remember that treatment can be a vital resource. Seeking professional guidance signifies a significant step towards healing and reinforcing your partnership. This journey, though challenging, can bring you closer and encourage a deeper understanding and compassion between you. Finding treatment help available is a courageous decision, demonstrating your commitment to the relationship and overall well-being. This transformative process builds a robust foundation of trust and support, which is essential for a healthy partnership.

Commit to Get Healthy Together

Prioritizing your physical and mental well-being is crucial. Engage in activities that promote health, like exercising or trying new nutritious recipes together. Supporting each other in these goals not only improves individual well-being but also enhances the health of your relationship. These shared activities can become a fun bonding experience, creating more moments of joy and togetherness. It’s about caring for each other’s health as much as you care for your own.

Embrace New Adventures

Exploring new places together can reignite the spark in your relationship. Traveling allows you to create shared memories and experiences, bringing a sense of adventure and excitement to your partnership. These experiences can be a powerful source of inspiration and positivity. Traveling together means stepping out of your comfort zones, learning, and growing together. It’s an opportunity to see each other in a new light and rediscover the qualities that drew you to each other. Your mid-life journey as a couple can be an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. By embracing these strategies, you can navigate this phase with positivity and inspiration. Remember, every step you take together strengthens the bond you share and enriches your shared journey.

Stress Decoded: Personalized Strategies for a Calmer You

Tue, 12 Dec 2023 12:28:00 GMT

Here is an article by the very wise and articulate Cheryl Conklin of Wellness Central, about a subject central to my work as a therapist: stress – what causes it, and how to manage it on various fronts, so it doesn’t manage you. Stress is a normal part of everyday life, especially in today’s world of conflicting demands for our time and attention. Remember life before email and voicemail when we weren’t all expected to be tuned in and responsive 24/7? Remember life before the term “multitasking” was coined? Remember more quiet, calm and simplicity? Remember when parenting wasn’t a guilt-ridden constant chauffeuring after ten hours at your “day job”? The vast majority of individuals and couples I see have dilemmas like these with themselves and each other around their relationships with stress, so common in our current culture. So, read on, for some great tips and a broad perspective about this subject, especially now that we’re in the midst of the holidays (when the stress meter often goes haywire), and begin to enjoy a calmer, more peaceful you! Susan PS. Feel free to contact me for some therapy if you need help with this issue. I’ll soon have a better idea about my availability in early 2024. Relaxing Woman — Portsmouth, NH — Susan Lager The pace of life is ever-increasing in today’s fast-moving world—and with it, stress becomes a subtle yet constant presence. This rapid pace often leads to stress infiltrating our daily lives in various forms. Understanding and identifying the underlying causes of this widespread issue is crucial. And recognizing the roots of stress is the first step toward dealing with it effectively. This comprehensive guide from Susan Lager sheds light on the different stressors that affect us. It provides practical steps to lessen their impact, paving the way for a healthier and more balanced lifestyle.

The Stress Identification Challenge

Understanding what triggers stress is pivotal in managing it. These triggers could range from professional pressures and personal relationship dynamics to financial concerns and health issues. Recognizing these sources is the foundational step in devising a strategy to counteract stress. By acknowledging these factors, you can begin to address them effectively.

Reinventing Your Professional Self

Workplace stress can be overwhelming. Consider a career shift if your current job is too demanding or unfulfilling. Online degree programs offer flexibility to pursue new educational avenues while managing work and family commitments. For instance, earning an online doctoral degree allows you to influence educational policies and practices, opening new career pathways. In this context, take time to discover the top universities offering EdD degree programs .

Harmonizing Work and Life

The impact of diet on stress levels is significant. Adopting a balanced diet rich in essential nutrients is key to managing stress. It’s important to stay hydrated and moderate the intake of stimulants such as caffeine and sugar. These dietary adjustments can help maintain stable energy levels . Ultimately, such changes can lead to a notable reduction in stress.

Nutritional Strategies for Stress Reduction

Breathing Your Way to Calm

Relaxation techniques like deep breathing and meditation are highly effective in managing stress. They can be seamlessly incorporated into everyday life for instant stress relief. These practices not only offer immediate calm but also contribute to sustained tranquility. Their ease of integration and effectiveness make them indispensable in the stress management toolkit.

Soothing Financial Anxieties

Financial stress is a widespread issue in today’s world. It’s important to manage your finances prudently, which includes efforts to improve your credit score. A robust score above 740 can lead to more favorable loan terms . This, in turn, can ease your financial pressures and help lower your stress levels.

The Power of Positivity

Adopting a positive outlook is a transformative way to change our perception and response to stress. Engaging in practices like gratitude and mindfulness cultivates a positive mindset. This shift in attitude equips us to tackle stressful situations with greater resilience and optimism. A positive approach can significantly enhance our ability to manage stress effectively.

Exercise as the Natural Stress Dissolver

Regular physical activity serves as a powerful tool in combating stress. Integrating exercise into your daily routine can uplift your mood and ease tension . This practice not only enhances physical health but also significantly improves mental well-being. As a natural and easily accessible method, exercise is a transformative approach to managing stress.

Wrapping Up

Though an inevitable part of life, stress doesn’t have to control or overwhelm us. Recognizing the sources of stress is a crucial step toward managing it effectively. We can significantly mitigate its impact on our lives by implementing proactive strategies. Embracing a holistic approach that balances physical and mental health is essential. This balance is the key to achieving a state of happiness, relaxation, and overall fulfillment.

“The Amazing Impact of Being Intentional in Your Marriage” – don’t miss the podcast!

Sat, 17 Jun 2023 17:55:00 GMT

Hello Reader, Earlier this week I did a BlogTalk Radio podcast about being intentional in your marriage, and in all your close relationships.

This episode was about how when we live on purpose everything can change – our pleasure and happiness levels, our experience of connection with a partner and close friends, expectations can be adjusted more realistically, grievances can be alleviated, and forgiveness can be more possible.

Tune into the podcast for ideas about how to be more intentional in your life, using rituals and mental rehearsal to become effective at it. Go to The Couplespeak™ Relationship Forum You’ll get some useful ideas and tools in this quick, 15 minute podcast!

Boost Your Confidence and Live Life on Your Terms With This Guide

Mon, 29 May 2023 20:44:00 GMT

“Once again, Cheryl Conklin from WellnessCentral.info has hit the mark with her latest insights about how confidence can be enhanced through specific attitudes and behaviors. (I like to tell my clients that it’s a myth to think that confidence is a born trait, or that you only have it if you were on the right line at the right time). Instead, as Cheryl indicates, it’s something that can be boosted intentionally.”

Like many people, you may be looking for ways to feel or look better, or to improve your career by finding a better-paying job. Don’t stay stuck in a rut waiting for a lucky break; take control of your life and make some changes that will help you boost your confidence so you can reach out and grab what you want. To jumpstart your journey toward success, psychotherapist and relationship coach Susan Lager presents several valuable tips that will help you along the way.

Decompress and Focus On Your Mental Health

If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed or anxious, one of the most important things you can do right now is to find ways to decompress and reduce stress. Stress can be incredibly detrimental to your mental and physical health, so you need to take time each day for yourself and focus on keeping negative feelings at bay. This could include taking a walk , reading a book, or even just sitting in meditative silence for a few minutes . Taking these moments for yourself will help reduce stress levels and make it easier to focus on achieving your goals.

Enhance Your Resume and Land a Great New Job

Finding a new job is one of the best ways to start living your best life. Take some time to polish up your resume , which will give you a confidence boost so you can go after your dream job. You can save time by finding a resume generator that provides professional-looking templates that you can customize with your information. Additionally, consider looking into entrepreneurship opportunities if that interests you, as this could open up more possibilities for success in the long run. If you decide on this route, be sure to develop a business plan and marketing strategy. You’ll also want to get high quality business cards printed. Here’s a possible solution to help you save money and still get a great looking card. Use free online templates! You can find the one that best suits your business and customize it to match your branding. Then, send it to be printed and you’ll be ready to network.

Clean and Organize Your Home

Living in a clean home is essential for both your physical and mental health. Deep cleaning every few months will help keep dust mites away while also making sure that any potential allergens are removed from the air inside your home. You can also take steps to get organized, especially if you have kids. In bedrooms and playrooms, invest in storage solutions and shelving that will allow them to keep things neat. You can make the organization process easier by turning it into a game , or challenging the kids to see how quickly they can clean up after playtime.

Start a Fitness Routine

Starting a fitness routine is another great way to feel better, especially if it’s fun. Whether you want to start playing a sport like golf or join a barre class, there are plenty of options available depending on what works best for you. Exercise helps improve mood while also boosting energy levels, which can help make it easier to tackle tasks throughout the day, so look for ways to add activity to your daily schedule even if they’re brief.

Change Up Your Wardrobe

Investing in new clothes may seem like an unnecessary expense, but it can actually make all the difference when it comes to feeling confident in yourself. Buy a new outfit for job interviews or other professional settings where first impressions matter significantly, or splurge on a great dress that will make you feel beautiful when you go out. Investing in quality pieces rather than quantity will ensure that they last longer, so you’ll feel better about the investment.

Start Pursuing Your Next Adventure

Whether you want to start a business, land your dream job with an updated resume, or get your home organized, there are lots of options when it comes to setting goals. Making changes to your lifestyle can mean a period of adjustment even when they’re positive, so remember to practice self-care. It also helps to get support from friends and loved ones during this time.

If you need some guidance working through past or current issues that are preventing you from moving forward, then contact psychotherapist and relationship coach Susan Lager. She can help you get back on track!

5 Signs Your Coronavirus Anxiety Has Turned Serious, Threatening Your Mental Health, and What To Do About It

Wed, 15 Mar 2023 14:34:00 GMT

CNN Health: “5 Signs Your Coronavirus Anxiety Has Turned Serious, Threatening Your Mental Health, and What to Do About It”

Written by Susan Lager on May 12, 2020 . Posted in Acceptance , Anxiety , Attitude , Balance , Change , Comfort , Connection , Courage , Depression , Gratitude , Grieving , Help , Humor , Life’s curveballs , Mindfulness , Perspective , Resilience , Resources , Rituals , Self care , Stress , Tools , Trauma

Here is an excellent CNN Health article which I’m reprinting, because it deals very thoroughly with the potential impact of the Coronavirus pandemic on our mental health. The writer discusses several tools we can all use to offset some of the negative effects of living in lockdown, “hiding from death,” as I think of it. CNN Health: by Sandee LaMotte Enforced lockdowns. Isolation from friends and loved ones. Loss of job, income, economic stability. Grief and loss on so many levels — from missing milestones such as birthdays and graduations to severe illness and death. Difficult times made worse by the fear of an invisible, deadly enemy who strikes via the very air we breathe. Coronavirus symptoms: 10 key indicators and what to do Such is the anxiety-ridden reality of living in the age of coronavirus for many people around the world. While some of us may be coping well right now, experts worry our emotional resilience will begin to fray as the threat of Covid-19 drags on. “We’re living constantly with a level of fear, a heightened state of arousal, much like Vietnam vets and Iraqi vets live with every day,” said trauma counselor Jane Webber, a professor of counselor education at Kean University in New Jersey. “And our sympathetic nervous system can only stay in that overwhelmed, almost frenetic state for so long before we crash,” said Webber, who counseled survivors and families during 9/11’s tragic aftermath. “I call it ‘chronic threat response’ — the continued state of being in a hyper-aroused survival mode,” said trauma psychologist Shauna Springer, who has spent a decade working with military veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, also known as PTSD. Why soap, sanitizer and warm water work against Covid-19 and other viruses “Chronic threat response is an escalation of many of the same symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress — sleep problems, floods of anxiety, irritability, difficulties concentrating and a hair-trigger startle response,” Springer said. What are some of the signs that our coping skills are becoming threadbare and our anxieties may turn dark and more dangerous?

1. Poor sleep

“When nightmares become a regular thing and our sleep quality is consistently bad, that is often the first sign that we may need to take action to improve our mental health,” said Springer, author of a new book called “ Warrior: How to Support Those Who Protect Us .” Craving carbs and sleeping badly while social distancing? Here’s how to cope Poor sleep is a double-edged sword: Not only does anxiety create poor sleep, a lack of quality sleep can lead to anxiety, stress and depression, a sort of circular impact. The good news is that exercise and practicing good sleep hygiene can often help get us back on track.

2. A focus on bad news

As we shelter in place, a focus on watching alarming media reports on the growth of the virus and the devastation to the economy is another warning flag, according to Springer. “If we are spending our days soaking in this general anxiety and dread about what may happen, in a sort of foxhole waiting for bad news, that’s another sign that things are getting into a more clinical range,” she said. Smoking weed and coronavirus: Even occasional use raises risk of Covid-19 complications “And there’s the guilt of taking our feelings out on loved ones, which is likely to happen when you’re in close quarters with people for a long time and you haven’t adjusted to that.”

3. Loss of interest and pleasure

An even more serious sign, Springer said, is when we lose the taste for connection to others and stop reaching out to friends and family. “When we can’t find pleasure in anything and we begin to feel numb rather than connecting with others and doing things we value or want to do with our lives, that’s a sign that we may need help and support, she said.

4. Helplessness or crippling anxiety

If the current threat of Covid-19 has reawakened feelings of helplessness, such as in the face of violence at home, or from a loss of identity and purpose after being fired or furloughed from a job, that can also be a key sign of risk, experts said. “An overwhelming feeling of helplessness is what often leads to trauma symptoms,” Springer said. “Those of us who’ve been let go from a job can feel as if we’ve lost our identity, due to the absence of the roles and relationships that give our lives meaning, and therefore we feel helpless. We can be at risk.” Coronavirus: What to do if you or a loved one has symptoms Helplessness can turn to a dark and crippling anxiety, which is another sign that we need help. “Crippling anxiety is where you feel constantly flooded with feelings of panic and this nameless dread about what may unfold,” Springer said. “You don’t have a sense of a hopeful future. Anxiety creates tunnel vision and it really puts us in a state of fight or flight. “And when we are in that survival mode for a prolonged period of time, that’s when anxiety goes into a darker phase and it really warrants clinical support,” she said.

5. Thoughts of suicide

Being so hopeless and anxious that we begin to think of ending our life is, of course, a sign that immediate professional help is needed, experts said. “Military veterans say this is when ‘whispers of our demons’ begin to take over,” Springer said. “When we start to script out a story in our heads of how others won’t miss us or that we’re a burden to those that we love, that is a critical sign that we need to get help immediately.”

What to do to help yourself

Reach out and connect, just not physically. The first thing to do is stay socially connected with friends and loved ones even though you’re physically apart. Technology is a great way for many of us to do that, but some in the family, such as grandparents, may be as adept at using Facebook, Facetime and Zoom, for example. “Instead of just relying on social media, we can make a list of the 10 or 20 people that we care the most about and put them in our phone on a rotating basis,” Springer said. “We’re going to call one of those people every day.” You can’t hide your stress from your kids, study says Next, Springer suggested adding more people from our outer ring of friends and associates that we may not be as close to and put those people into that daily call rotation. That’s especially critical if you think those people may be especially isolated right now. “Reaching out and connecting with people, especially those who are especially isolated, and giving them space to talk about their experience and anxiety during this unprecedented time of anxiety and then sharing our own experience is how we will get through this,” she said. “When we connect, we survive.” Breathe deeply. In therapy sessions, Webber said, “the thing we teach most is deep breathing. It’s free, it doesn’t cost anything and it really works.” Here’s how to do it properly, she says: Breathe through the nose, hold it and then exhale very slowly out through your mouth like you’re breathing through a straw. “And when you breathe slowly out, you improve your whole picture of life and you reduce your nervousness,” Webber said. Practice gratitude. Science has shown that people who practice gratitude are happier and more optimistic — and you can easily teach yourself how to do it. “One thing I recommend to everyone in scary times is to write two or three things each day of what you’re grateful for. It shifts your view of the world,” Webber said. Five ways to improve your mental health in 2020 “I’m grateful for my daughter because she is home with me right now. I’m grateful for my son, the nurse. I’m grateful for my other son who has figured out every possible way of getting food online that there is in the entire county,” she added with a chuckle. Take control of your mental state. Fight back against anxiety turning darker, experts suggested, by taking control of how you think. “One of the ways to do that is to take out a sheet of paper, put a line down the middle and on one side write down the things we can’t control right now, and on the other write what we can control,” Springer said. “And then we form a plan of action that allows us to move on those things that we can control.’ This stops us from “soaking in that feeling of helplessness or if you will just be sitting in our foxhole and waiting for more bad news to come,” she said. “We’re actually moving on things that we want to be doing with our lives, even if there are some very challenging circumstances right now.” The meaning behind your strange coronavirus dreams For some people that may not feel possible, especially if they lost a job or were furloughed when the economy came to a screeching halt. “Losing a job is a seismic stressor, one of the most stressful things that can happen to you,” Springer said. “But you can sit and ponder on your negative situation or you can use the time to learn something new or deepen yourself or gain some skills.” She points to the many high quality, inexpensive or free training programs on the internet today that can add skills to your profession or even help you transition to something new. “So people can use this time to build skills and become smarter and stronger and more prepared for when the workforce really kicks back in and full force,” Springer said. Establish a schedule. Our days and nights are blending together, and many people find themselves working more hours, or if they can’t work, fretting about finances. One way to fight back to is establish a schedule that separates work or job search from family and play time, especially exercise, which is critical for boosting our mental mood. Meditation or mindfulness are also excellent options to schedule into our day, experts said. “We have to create routines in order to get through this absolutely surrealistic world right now,” Webber said. “Focus on the little things, such as making a lunch in a special way, knitting, crocheting, meditation, mindfulness, yoga or walking or running to do something physical to help us reach a more calm mental state.” Be careful with media, especially social media. Be sure to limit the amount of time you spend watching the news, especially if you feel it makes you anxious, experts said. That can also apply to social media, said Arthur Evans, the CEO of the American Psychological Association, in a recent interview for the Washington Journal section of CSPAN. “There is a lot of misinformation on social media,” Evans said. “When you couple that with a lot of contradictory information, it creates more anxiety for people.” For example, he said, social media is filled with conspiracy theories and other wrong information that “is contradicting what we are hearing from professionals who really know and understand these issues … so limiting the information to reliable sources, sources you can trust, goes a long way in helping manage that stress.” Crack a smile. It’s long been said that “laughter is the best medicine,” and that applies to the anxiety of our times, experts said. “Remember, you can’t be anxious and smile at the same time. That’s a physiological thing,” Webber said. So watch funny movies, listen to comedy routines, ask everyone you talk to on the phone to tell you a joke. Give back to them by doing the same. Stay optimistic. There are so many unknowns when it comes to this new disease that is terrorizing the world. Will it ease over the warmer summer months? Get better or worse as the world begins to open back up? Even worse, will it return with a vengeance in the fall and winter? Don’t let those unknowns shake you or take away your optimism, Webber said. “I consider optimism both healthy and an Achilles heel, because of course, being too optimistic might let you down,” she said. “But if I had the choice, optimism is always better than pessimism. And optimism is always better than realism. If we have hope that the best will come, we might be disappointed, but that hope, I always believe, will get to the person that you love.”

Shifting Into Fall with Fun!

Thu, 01 Sep 2022 15:17:00 GMT

I was about to post about managing transitions when I saw this post from the Gottman Institute, realizing how relevant it was to my subject. I’m sharing it with you, hoping you benefit from all the wonderful ideas in it. Having fun and being intentional can be a vital part of dealing with transitions.

Stay tuned for my next (long overdue!) post about managing transitions in general. My husband and I recently adopted a rescue Lab, and have been doing our best to manage all the aspects of that transition, made more challenging by the fact that however adorable he is, he steals a lot off of surfaces – socks, paper, food, etc.! So, one major transition for us is to completely de-clutter to dog-proof the whole house. Ugh!

Tune in soon….

Stop Right There: Unhealthy Habits to Kick for a Better Personal Life

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 17:31:00 GMT

Image Courtesy of Pexels

Here’s an excellent guest article by Cheryl Conklin from wellnesscentral.info about tools for self nurture and for avoiding negative thoughts and behaviors. These tools are important for everyday life, and even more critical during the pandemic.

Stop. No, really, stop. Those harmful habits of yours are hurting you! Not sure which ones are damaging? Being negative, hanging out with toxic people, getting no exercise, spreading yourself too thin with poor time management, and comparing yourself to others are all habits you should break. Read on to learn more.

Being Negative

Being negative doesn’t necessarily mean being angry or frustrated — those are normal human emotions. It’s how you handle these emotions and the situations in which you feel them that you can work on. Verywell Mind explains that managing negative emotions comes down to embracing the feeling(s), determining why you feel that way, allowing yourself to understand the message your mind is sending, and releasing the feeling(s) to move forward.

The next time you’re feeling negative, whether you’re upset about something or being down on yourself, stop and take a deep breath. Do something that relaxes you, and avoid dwelling on negative thoughts or blowing things out of proportion.

Why do we keep toxic people around? According to Science of People, it comes down to guilt . It could be a friend you’ve had for years or a friend of a friend. This can make it complicated to eliminate that person from your life. It doesn’t have to mean chewing them out and storming away. Instead, create distance by saying no to invites and answering their calls less.

Identifiers of toxic people include manipulation, constant judgment, self-centeredness, and Issues with anger management. The more identifiers a person has, the quicker you should eject them from your life.

We all know that exercise is good for you, but do you know how much it makes a difference? The benefits of physical activity include:

Reducing the risk of heart and lung disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, and dementia
Helping you lose weight, thereby boosting your self-confidence
Improving your mood

Mental health benefits include:

Release of mood-boosting brain chemicals like serotonin
Release of endorphins
Stress, anxiety, and depression reduction

Increasing your exercise can start with daily walks or bike rides. As you begin to increase in intensity, use this guide from the Arthritis Foundation to build the right program for you.

You can’t be everywhere at once. It’s a frustrating fact. Spreading yourself thin is unhealthy. One strategy for remedying this issue is to add more structure to your life. Keep a regular routine and set time boundaries — you only go to one (non-obligatory) event per weekend, for example.

Setting boundaries goes hand-in-hand with time management. This is especially important at work. If you’re feeling spread thin, you probably need better time management. When you’re overwhelmed with time-dependent tasks you’re not officially paid for, you should stop and put an accurate price on your time. This can help you see the worth of yourself and your time, giving you the incentive to make changes.

In the age of social media, it’s almost impossible to avoid comparing yourself to others. You may see someone’s post from a local museum and feel bad that you’re “not as cultured.” Compare culture can make you feel lower than low even though you’re awesome. Social Comparison can increase depression, decrease overall wellbeing, and even cause eating disorders due to poor body image.

It’s important to keep everything in perspective. For instance, people almost never post about their failures or insecurities. Their social media is a snapshot of all the positives in their life. To reduce your tendency to compare yourself to others, Tiny Buddha recommends spending less time on social media and redirecting your focus on the things that really matter.

We all have negative tendencies. However, it’s crucial to our mental health to stop these harmful practices. So skip being negative, spending time with toxic people, getting zero exercise, spreading yourself too thin with poor time management, and comparing yourself to others. Instead, create healthier habits that will lead to a healthier life.

Who Controls the Money?

Tue, 08 Feb 2022 03:26:00 GMT

Awhile ago, I worked with a couple who had this conversation in a session:

“You know, sweetie, I decided that paying only $3500. for the bike I want would be a great deal! The electric bikes run about $5000 to $6000 average! We could finance it easily with your excellent credit, or just buy it outright. And we could ride up hills on and off road! It would be so handy and fun!”

“$4000 for a bike that doesn’t even require any exercise? Do you think I’m made of money?! We have loads of other, more important expenses coming up! And, why are you leaning so happily into old age? What’s wrong with using some muscles – and paying a fraction of the price – on my dime?!”

Guess who was the primary earner in this marriage? And guess who got their way…

Historically, husbands frequently provided the income and wives stayed home running the household and dealing with the kids. Although wives often managed the checkbook, their husbands often maintained control over the spending choices made. It was an efficient but unequal system in terms of power.

Today, spousal roles are usually more blurred, with both partners earning an income and both sharing household and child rearing roles. What often remains the same however, is the fact that the higher earner generally has more say about what and when money is spent on based on their own assignment of value to purchases – (hence the electric bike discussion).

Because fluid sharing of power seems so vital to modern day marriages, I encourage couples to look at their habits or practices that create a power imbalance. It often is most obvious in this financial realm where the perception of value to an expense gets more votes and credence from the top earner.

So, instead of arguing endlessly about what’s worth spending money on, I encourage couples to set up an “Ours, Yours, and Mine” account system which supports collaboration on joint spending and expenses, as well as individual prerogative and independence around non essential spending. Things like the mortgage, utilities, food and children’s needs would come from the joint account, which the couple would fund equally, but proportionately to their income. The separate accounts would be funded based on an agreed upon monthly amount, also equally and proportionately from each spouse’s income. That way, the husband who wanted to get an electric bike would fund it from his own account in his own time without it having to meet his wife’s “priority” test.

For other one-earner couples I’d encourage them to look at the subjectivity around discretionary expenses. What’s “worth it” to one, may not be to the other. Weighting that based on who makes the money can create a nasty power imbalance that can color the relationship, so better to take turns or negotiate out disagreements about what “we” spend or don’t.

The “We Don’t Communicate” Myth

Tue, 18 Jan 2022 00:43:00 GMT

The number one complaint couples refer to when they call with a therapy request is “We don’t communicate.” Sound familiar? And oddly, unless partners are each bound and gagged (that’s another post, I think), or living separately in parts of the world without telephones, video or email, they communicate – maybe not clearly, or respectively, or productively, but they COMMUNICATE.

Communication can be an eye roll, a grimace, a smile, a turning away, a raised eyebrow, a frown, a touch, silence, a scream, a laugh, etc. They are all ways of sending a message. Our 15 month old granddaughter speaks only about 20 actual words at this point, but communicates quite clearly and purposefully with pointing, head shaking, smiling, hand waving, hugs, cries, shrieks, squeals or laughs. Because the family doesn’t expect many actual words we all pay attention to what she’s “saying” and try to respond in a tuned in way.

Our 9 year old Lab has never said one word but also communicates very clearly and consistently with groans, sighs, tail wags, kisses, stares, or nudges. And he runs the household! He usually gets what he wants without ever saying one word.

So maybe, the issue is really “We don’t send or receive clear signals, We don’t listen. We don’t pay attention. We don’t tune in.”

Who Started The Fight?

Fri, 03 Dec 2021 03:50:00 GMT

This is one of the big issues most couples have struggled with at some point in their relationship: who pulled the trigger on a toxic event – who was really responsible for the mess?

It usually goes something like this:

“If you hadn’t said ______________________ I wouldn’t have been so ____________________!”

“Well, if you hadn’t been so ________________ I wouldn’t have said ______________________!”

And round and round it goes. A circle of blame and justification for bad behaviors. Both partners not feeling understood around their respective grievances, because the context felt so critical to the sequence.

If you’ve ever been in one of these go-arounds, (and chances are, you have been, more often than you’d like to admit), then you know too keenly that this kind of exchange only contributes to raising blood pressure and your dog, who’s been witnessing it, getting more weirded out by the minute. (That’s another post: “Want the truth? Then watch the dog!”)

I’ve worked with couples who escalated so intensely around this kind of exchange that they fought for hours about this Who Started It All nonsense, then punished each other for days or weeks afterward!

So, what’s a more productive line of questioning to pursue around a fight? – one which might actually move the two of you toward some healthy ownership, some forgiveness, repair, resolution and some learning?

It’s a few simple questions to ask yourself :

“Where was I in that fight?”

“What were my contributions to that problem?”

“What do I regret about my own behavior in that situation?”

“What could I have done differently, even though I felt provoked?”

(My often blamed) but wise husband says: “In other words, take a look at yourself, because that’s the only thing you can actually change!”

Covid Silver Lining

Wed, 03 Nov 2021 04:38:00 GMT

I recently met with a couple I’ve been working with for quite some time. We hadn’t met in over a month due to a number of unforeseen events, including the fact that they’d each contracted Covid within the same week. It was a shock to them considering that they’d both been vaccinated and had practiced diligent Covid safety behaviors for the past year, like mask wearing in all public places, no indoor dining, avoidance of large gatherings, etc.

As with so many of us, Covid had become the dreaded Boogeyman, especially for the husband who was immunocompromised. It had become the terrorizer, the ticket to an untimely death, if not only a protracted, lonely suffering in an over-crowded hospital. Covid was the provider of all losses:

So what was their Covid Silver Lining?

So, with or without testing positive, what’s your Covid Silver Lining?

“Kvetch Dates”

Thu, 06 May 2021 04:21:00 GMT

There’s a word in Yiddish which has no literal translation in English: “kvetch.”

It means “to complain, to moan, to bitch, to bellyache, to crab, grumble, fuss, nag, squawk, whine, gripe, etc. We all do it at times, but it can be a real problem when the kvetching hijacks your brain. It’s then likely to intrude upon any experience you may be having, either alone or with a partner.

Have you ever been with someone whose constant kvetching ruined the day? It’s not fun for either of you. My antidote? “Kvetch dates.”

In the same spirit of “worry dates,” (where you minimize the intrusive nature of worry by legitimizing and scheduling it), so goes the “kvetch date.” If you’re alone and feeling overwhelmed or irritated or sorry for yourself, the last thing you’ll want is for those feelings to take over your day. On the other hand, there may be sufficient reasons for you to feel this way, so you also don’t want to negate your own internal experience. The compromise here may be to “prescribe the symptom,” as we say, and make a date with yourself to give those feelings some limited airtime. Establish a time when you allow yourself to fully vent those feelings, either in writing or talking aloud, or sharing them with someone you trust. Set a timer, and limit yourself to an allotted time, maybe ten minutes. Then stop, and change the frequency in your brain by directing your attention to something else, something neutral or positive. If your mind returns to “kvetch mode,” remind yourself that you’ll have another “kvetch date” tomorrow, and get back to the more positive activity. By practicing this, you’ll be developing significant thought-stopping skills which will serve you well when needed.

If you’re coupled up, you can make “kvetch dates” with each other, especially at the end of a long, stressful week, or in the midst of an emotionally challenging situation. Make a pact to avoid advice giving, solutions or judgments, and to simply listen to each other. Agree on a maximum time allowed, then change the frequency by engaging in something pleasurable or neutral. You’ll be protecting positive experiences by together getting the “kvetch” out of room.

You Gotta Laugh At it All!

Tue, 27 Apr 2021 03:05:00 GMT

It’s been a long, hard year locked up with ourselves amidst Covid 19. So many of our usual distractions and indulgences have gone by the wayside, and most of us have been starkly confined with our own neurotic shortcomings and lazy adaptations.

Millions have gained the “Quarantine 15” and as things open up, are slightly agoraphobic, clinging to the privacy of their home prisons, so people won’t see their 2020 bulge. Pants with buttons and zippers have become relics of the past. Sweatpants and leggings have become our best friends. Aerobic workouts, 5k races and strenuous strength training have become “Going for a Walk.” Needless to say, once hardbodies are now mush.

Makeup, once so sacred and mysterious, has also largely gone by the wayside, replaced with naked faces with all their spots, wrinkles and droops.

Close friends and family, previously such a source of vital warmth and connection, have been replaced by our loyal, adoring dogs, or worse – the prison of Zoom for EVERYTHING.

Haircuts, once such a luxury, have been replaced with either nothing, or DIY chop jobs. (Also, 85% of the world’s blondes have disappeared).

In sum, we all look like Hell…

A cultured life with theater, concerts, dancing and singing, has devolved into Facebook, Twitter, Instagram 24/7.

Travel to glorious new places has been replaced by Couch Potato Adventure: TV day and night.

Real life experiences like weddings, parties, graduations and funerals have yielded to the voyeurism of The News, (mostly bad), also day and night.

Lusty evenings of 80 proof booze in bars have been replaced with desperate solo guzzling of 4 proof spiked seltzer.

Intellectual stimulation through conversation, clubs, meetings, and trainings have all become “Zoomified”.

Smiles, with all their compelling warmth, have made way for Eyes-Only, and sometimes contraband Rogue-Nose Faces in a mandated masked world.

And alas, sport shopping at TJ Maxx, Marshalls and Macy’s have yielded to frequent gargantuan boxes arriving from Amazon, often left outside in the rain, generating massive amounts of garbage later needing to be hauled to the curb.

So, what to do with all these charming developments? Get depressed? Go on drugs? Get a shelter dog? Take up the Ukulele? Buy an RV? Get more takeout? Chop down some trees? Get some chickens? Go back on Zoom? Run to a therapist?

Whatever you do, you gotta start laughing at it all….

Tune into my next BlogTalk Radio podcast on Wednesday, 3/31 at 8:30 PM EST: “Giving Up – When It Helps and When It Hurts

Mon, 29 Mar 2021 02:25:00 GMT

In this 20 minute episode I discuss the process of losing traction and determination around commitments, why it happens, when it may be a positive thing, and when it may signal some personal or relational shortcomings.

At the time of this writing we’re all hearing about thousands of people giving up their diligence about Covid safety measures, tired of all the constraints and hassles, going back into restaurants, gyms, and planes with resignation or denial about the possibly tragic personal outcome, and the likely surge in Covid cases and deaths.

In this episode I explore how this behavior may be emblematic of other forms of getting tired and giving up, and I invite you to look at where and why you may quit things, vs. when you may be letting go in some healthy ways.

Join the conversation with questions or comments by calling into the studio at 877-497-9046 . If you can’t make the live show you can stream it anytime at www.BlogtalkRadio.com/SusanLager.

Embracing Wellness.

Thu, 11 Mar 2021 16:13:00 GMT

“Here’s an article by Cheryl Conklin about good self care, generally, and especially during this pandemic.”

Embrace Wellness Now for Better Confidence and Positivity

It’s not uncommon to reach the end of the winter months feeling a little down. Lack of sunlight and long hours indoors can be hard on one’s well-being. Add to that the stress of the pandemic and financial concerns, and it’s understandable if you’re not feeling especially chipper right now. You may be wondering what you can do to recapture a sense of positivity, whether you’re prepping for some socially distant mingling or staying in until you feel safe. Tune out the messaging that insists you need to change who you are to feel more positive. Positivity isn’t about buying pricey products to become some other person or forcing yourself to conform to mainstream standards for appearance or success. It’s about becoming the unique person you are meant to be — and loving it. The best part is, you can do exactly that in wallet-friendly ways.

Make healthy changes for holistic well-being.

A lot of people give up on healthy decisions because they don’t see an instant change in their appearance. What they miss is that a healthy lifestyle makes you feel good long before you see any physical alteration. Whatever your lifestyle, make healthy choices such as eating well, exercising more, and hydrating better — not for the sake of some future projected self but for you, right now. Good food will make you feel more vibrant and energized. Exercise and fresh air will give you strength and confidence. Evaluate whether you’ve picked up unhelpful coping mechanisms, and see if you can replace them with cost-effective routines that enhance wellness.

Indulge in foods that nourish your body, as well as satisfy your palate.

Eating well doesn’t have to be about sacrifice and self-denial. It can be pleasant — you just need to figure out which wholesome foods you happen to like. Some people love kale chips. Some enjoy smoothies. Others want something with more of a crunch. Whatever your preference, switch out less nutritious snacks and meals for better ones. Fruits that are high in antioxidants, dark leafy greens, and whole-grain bread are tasty additions to a menu and also happen to be great for you. And remember you can always treat yourself to your favorite comfort foods, on occasion. If natural food is hard for you to access or afford, think about starting your own home garden, in your backyard or even in pots.

Look for affordable exercise options that fit into your lifestyle.

It’s easy to give up on exercise when it involves pricey gym memberships, driving to fitness centers, or repeating routines that make one frustrated. So pick a fitness regimen that makes you feel great about yourself. This might be something as basic as taking a walk and enjoying the tranquility of nature (though be aware of any public health requirements regarding distancing or masking). If you can’t get out of the house, exercise is going to be especially important for your wellness, so find something that gets your body moving and that you enjoy. If dance is your thing, look for some fun Zumba video workouts — these are often free online. If you prefer strength training, research easy home exercises you can do with just your bodyweight or affordable equipment such as resistance bands.

Refresh your wardrobe.

If you’re thinking of heading out into the world again, being happy with your clothing can lend you confidence. Even something as simple as an attractive scarf or stylish jacket can accentuate your look. If you’re trying to economize, look for online discounts and promotional sales. Splurging on stylish workout clothes will not only help you feel good about your appearance — it can also be a great motivator, whether you’re pursuing fitness outside or indoors. For stylish, comfortable, and affordable workout garb, check out online stores such as Lululemon. Use Lululemon coupons for discounts on functional yet fashion-forward pieces.

If you’re worried that you’ve put on weight or let yourself go during the pandemic, don’t focus on that. Instead, think about accessible and affordable self-care that will support your physical and mental wellness and prepare you to re-engage with the world — when you are ready. If you’re feeling weighed down due to past trauma, or worried about sustaining healthy relationships, reach out to Susan Lager for advice or to book a session.

Image via Pixabay

Cheryl Conklin

Website: https://wellnesscentral.info/

Email: cheryl@wellnesscentral.info

13 At-Home Date Night Activities to Stay Sane and Have Some Fun During Covid 19

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 20:02:00 GMT

Covid 19 has presented some difficult issues for most people, and particularly for couples who can’t safely explore many options away from home for stimulation, excitement, fun and connection. Many couples seem to have run out of ideas for what to do amidst these various constraints.

So, with her permission, I’ve republished Tamara Siegel’s article from Porch.com listing 13 at-home “Date-Night” type activities, which I think you’ll find useful!

Feel free to contact me with any ideas of your own you’d like to share -(PG rated only, please.)

13 At-Home Date Night Activities – Porch

“What To Expect When You Marry a Narcissist” by Sharie Stines, PsyD.

Thu, 28 Jan 2021 02:04:00 GMT

A client just forwarded this article by Sharie Stines, Psy.D to me. It was published on the PsychCentral site in July of 2016. It is excellent, and the points couldn’t have been stated any better, so I am reprinting it for anyone out there who has been struggling to stay afloat in a marriage to […] The post “What To Expect When You Marry a Narcissist” by Sharie Stines, PsyD. appeared first on Susan Lager.

Managing the Challenges of 2020 and the Uncertainty of 2021

Sun, 17 Jan 2021 20:40:00 GMT

If your experience of 2020 and early 2021 feels like the above image, you’re not alone! No matter what side of the political fence you’ve embraced it has been a year of loss, constraints, hopelessness, helplessness, hatred, anxieties and extreme division, often among members of the same family, or among friends. Not only have most of us faced differences which have felt toxic and relationship-breaking, but a daily onslaught of information and news about catastrophic events, happening now, or about to unfold. I think there has been a collective experience of trauma in this country, and probably in many places around the world. Covid 19 illnesses and deaths, loss of income, loss of faith in the System, violence, racism, uncertainty.

To that point I’m encouraging everyone to pause and reflect on a few things:

How have you been coping and how well has it served you?

In my psychotherapy practice I’ve seen how people’s responses to the trauma either exacerbate or alleviate some of the stress, bring people together for support and meaningful action or tear them apart. Depression and anxiety are off the charts now as people struggle with feelings and thoughts that can become runaway trains in response to such triggering events.

So, instead of going through a long list of more functional coping mechanisms I’m encouraging you all to begin by examining the strategies you’re already using and taking an honest look at how well these strategies are serving you. If they calm and energize you, at what cost to yourself or others? If they provide relief, how momentary or enduring is it? Do your coping mechanisms give you any sense of meaning, agency, or connection to others whom you respect and trust? Are you finding any joy amidst all this madness? Are you protecting your mental and physical health, or has that been one price of how you’ve tried to manage?

All meaningful change begins with Contemplation, so give that it’s due. Then, if you decide to seek out different coping tools you’ll be readier to use them intentionally, creatively and effectively.

Thanksgiving 2020 and Permission Not to Be So Thankful This Year

Thu, 26 Nov 2020 15:09:00 GMT

I read this CNN article and thought it was very timely and right on, I couldn’t have made this point any more clearly, so I’ve re-printed it.

I hope you relate to it, and I’d say “Happy Thanksgiving!” but that kind of goes against the whole point here!

Enjoy your meal, whatever company you can safely have, and hopefully, the day off……

Susan

You have permission to not be thankful this Thanksgiving

By Allison Hope, CNN

Updated November 23, 2020

Author Allison Hope intends to focus on eating her feelings about 2020 with extra helpings of sweet potato pie this Thanksgiving.

(CNN) The gratitude is being dished out in platitudes this Thanksgiving .

“This Thanksgiving’s a bust, but try to focus on gratitude,” advised one health site, a precursor to a warning to avoid gathering outside our immediate households for the holidays

“Share gratitude, not COVID this Thanksgiving,” another warned.

You can serve up a portion of gratitude for your Thanksgiving this year, but don’t expect me to join you. I am going to focus on eating my feelings with extra helpings of sweet potato pie that I don’t have to share with anyone — because no one else is coming to Thanksgiving.

In a year when a once-in-a-century pandemic collided with social and political unrest , an unhinging economy and job market, and increasingly severe weather events , I vacillate between feeling something more akin to sheer terror. That’s on the opposite end of the spectrum from gratitude. My cornucopia is impacted by supply chain shortages , global trade wars and an impending dark winter that is coming more quickly than I’d like.

I have plenty to be grateful for, I know. I remain gainfully employed and am privileged enough to get to work from home. As of this writing, I still have my health, not having yet caught the virus (knock on everything) that has killed more than 1.3 million people around the world. While I know people who have died from Covid-19, including those my age in my extended networks, my immediate circle remains, for the most part, well.

And yet. I am incapable of feeling the joy that has, for every Thanksgiving prior to 2020, accompanied me to the homes of friends and family. There will be no road trips, no extended family hugs, no old friends in town visiting and reminiscing over a tall cold one, no spontaneous moments featuring new characters. This year is all plot twists without the comic relief.

I have landed in a new place this year, one where it’s perfectly acceptable to want people to take their gratitude and shove it up this year’s pathetically small turkey cavity.

Yes, I retain the right to feel full-on Scrooge this year, and I invite you to join me.

After all, forcing yourself to feel happy or gracious — when you simply don’t — isn’t a helpful thing to do. Forced positive thinking, in fact, does not make you happier, according to experts.

“The practice of gratitude has become popular in recent years, and it can be valuable, but not as a forced one,” said Thandiwe Dee Watts-Jones, a clinical psychologist and faculty member at the Ackerman Institute, a family therapy institute in New York City.

Forced gratitude is not constructive

We’ve all heard from any number of self-help research and books and podcasts and gurus that gratitude is a necessary embodiment to help us live fulfilling lives. But the truth is, sometimes gratitude just isn’t possible.

Still, we might try in small ways to attach to some hope before diving back into that apple pie.

“As we approach the holidays dominated by losses, uncertainty, and human depravity, we can still be open, in a gentle way, to noticing what is good in our lives, what or who is holding us, a child’s smile, a poem, someone’s love, perhaps spirit,” Watts-Jones said. “We can allow appreciation for whatever beauty we may still see, even in the face of suffering, and if not, accept that at this moment, it is enough to be where you are.”

After our brief interlude with gratitude, feel free to snuggle back up to your inner bah humbug.

If we’re getting real, Thanksgiving is also a uniquely American tradition (sorry, Canada, I am not counting you) whose origins are murky at best. In true fake news fashion, the original Thanksgiving story reeks of propaganda, a tale we take at face value to feel good about American history and to stuff our faces.

In reality, the story of Thanksgiving does nothing more than paint American lipstick on the proverbial colonial pig, hiding the true barbarism of a time when White men first set foot on the land that they would go on to claim, along with the lives of the vast majority of people already living there, whether by force or happenstance via smallpox .

There was no turkey, no ubiquitous kumbaya. In fact, the only thing that was widespread between America’s earliest settlers and the Native Americans was a deadly contagion that disproportionately took out people of color. Sound familiar? Maybe the first Thanksgiving has more in common with this year than ever before. Many emotions rise to the surface, but gratitude is not one of them.

In the spirit of Festivus for the rest of us, and celebrating the anti-holiday to air grievances rather than pleasantries, I hereby rename Thanksgiving 2020 “Grumpstaking,” whereby we allow ourselves to feel whatever range of negative emotions we damn well feel like feeling without the pressure to proclaim all that we’re grateful for.

Don’t worry, you can eat all the pie.

Allison Hope is a writer and native New Yorker who favors humor over sadness, travel over television, and coffee over sleep.

Don’t miss my 10/29/20 BlogTalk Radio 25 minute podcast for more insights about staying afloat emotionally amidst the pandemic

Wed, 28 Oct 2020 16:51:00 GMT

In a previous BlogTalkRadio podcast I delved into some strategies for living more fully amidst the Covid 19 pandemic. I discussed the physical and emotional challenges everyone faces, as well as the symptoms people were experiencing only a few months into the crisis.

In this subsequent episode I’ll go deeper with my ideas for how to be more intentional with effective attitudes and behaviors which I’ve observed are helping my friends, family, clients, and myself to stay afloat emotionally, even feel happy and connected amidst this pandemic.

Tune in at 7 PM EST on Thursday, October 29th live at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to hear about 7 key tools to help you and those you love thrive, even with all the uncertainty and loss associated with Covid 19. Feel free to join in live by phone toll-free at 1(800)-497-9046 with questions or concerns. If you can’t make the live podcast you can stream it anytime on BlogTalk Radio. One way or another, I hope you’ll tune in!

Not Just Surviving, But Thriving Amidst Covid 19

Mon, 19 Oct 2020 20:51:00 GMT

Most people find it surreal that we’re living in a pandemic. Every day we hear the bleak statistics about where the diagnosed “positive” cases as well as the deaths are ramping up, especially as we face a Fall surge in contagion.

Things we’ve previously taken for granted, like stress-free grocery shopping, visiting friends and family, getting a haircut, going to the movies, boarding a plane for a far away trip, working at our offices, having our children safely at school, etc. are now all matters of life and death. Making these decisions is now more like playing Russian Roulette with our survival.

Many of the couples I see in my practice are driving each other crazy with the lack of personal space, the intrusions into personal time, the increased dependency on each other’s judgment, and the loss of their usual distractions and pleasures, like going out to eat, attending concerts, or going to the gym. My caseload is exploding, even with the uncertainty so many people face about the sustainability of their incomes. Many people are now, eight months into the pandemic, experiencing “Covid Fatigue” and getting riskier with their choices, loosening their vigilance about contagion danger, thinking “What the hell, we’ve gotta live!” Apparently, as people experience these losses the rates of depression and anxiety are up. As many people experience a frightening lack of leadership or governmental truth related to the pandemic, feelings of helplessness, rage and nihilism are prevalent.

So, how can one not only stay alive until hopefully there’s a vaccine widely available, but actually thrive in this dystopian environment? Here are some strategies I’d recommend, finding them personally useful, and observing how my family, friends and clients also benefit from them:

Pick your battles. Be conscious and selective about where you direct your outrage and frustration. Early on, I found myself confronting mask-less shoppers about their socially irresponsible behavior. I soon realized I was not only fighting a useless fight which might end in injury, but also inviting a full scale stress response in myself. Eventually, before the masks were mandated, I’d contact store managers with either praise for their policies about social distancing and masks, or complaints for their lack of diligence and courage. Also, good or bad reviews on store websites are more powerful than confronting individuals. So, be intentional about where and how you express your frustrations, being mindful about how it might backfire.
Respect other people’s choices about “safety.” Try to take a more empathic, non judgmental stance about the way others manage their lives amidst Covid. Most people take some calculated risks, like seeing their grandchildren in person rather than via Zoom for possibly years. Other people choose to expand their “pods” to include close friends and extended family. Parents of young children are now generally sending them back to pre-schools. More often now, people are traveling, using AirB&B or even select hotels, knowing there is risk associated with that choice, but finding confinement at home worse. There are many daily decisions we all face about staying alive and managing, so recognize that these choices are personal and not for you to judge. Criticism, voiced or silent, only divides and alienates people.
Limit your exposure to the news, especially on TV where the visual content can be particularly triggering. If you want to know what’s going on in the world be selective about which programs might be more or less sensationalized, or more focused on solutions. Do not watch the news at night before bedtime. Not only does the blue TV light inhibit melatonin production, which is required for ample sleep, but details about the horrors of the pandemic won’t benefit the purpose of relaxation and calm needed for a restful night. Instead, read a non-arousing book on a device with a “night shade” adjustment, or listen to soothing music, or listen to some guided imagery, like the ones on free apps like “Calm” or “Headspace.” You need proper sleep to face this new Normal with resilience.
Lean into the pleasures and joys of your relationships. Even if right now you can’t see some of your loved ones in person, stay connected with Zoom, FaceTime, phone calls, photos, texts, and emails. Even snail mail right now is better than losing touch. Avoid isolation as the solution to the constraints of Covid. Explore new things with a partner or spouse. Make it an antidote to the temptation to target them with your Covid issues. Go for walks together, learn a new way of cooking. Be conscious and intentional about expanding your relationship with each other. Remember, your closest connections are your lifeline, especially now, so lean in.
Do some service for those in need or for some meaningful cause. Go shopping or do errands for an elderly shut-in neighbor. Walk a dog for friends who are overwhelmed with young kids at home. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Mow your neighbor’s lawn. Offer emotional support to someone you know who has lost a loved one to Covid. Get involved with some political action you feel strongly about so you become part of the solution. Get outside your own experience, participate and help others. It will soothe your heart at a time of such uncertainty and loss. You will also experience a sense of “agency” so needed now, making a difference with your effective actions.
Take up a new hobby. Expand yourself with creativity, especially as you experience so many shrinking options now in Covid life. Learn a new instrument with online lessons. (I’m currently taking guitar lessons, and online ukulele and harmonica lessons!) It will fill your brain with new challenges and pleasures. Take up knitting or woodworking or painting, things that usually require you to be more still at home. Try to create a dedicated space to this new hobby and make it your sanctuary. Create a psychological and physical space for positivity and growth.
Spend some time each day focusing on what Covid has ironically given you – more time with your kids? More appreciation for those you love? Appreciation for your health or your life? Gratitude for your job? Appreciation for the safety and solace of your home? Less mindless spending? As we now all face death in such a direct and immediate way it can be transformational to be more present in our lives while we have them.

As Mike, a beloved carpenter we’ve recently re-hired says, “I’m just really happy to be on the right side of the grass at this point!”

Listen to my 6/17/20 BTR podcast “Strategies for Living More Fully Amidst the Covid 19 Pandemic”

Fri, 19 Jun 2020 10:36:00 GMT

If you missed the live podcast, you can listen to it at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager .

I’ve shared 16 key attitudes and behaviors for not only surviving, but thriving during this pandemic. I’ll think you’ll find them so helpful that you may want a copy of the printed list! If so, call me at The Couples Center voicemail 603-431-7131 , and simply leave a message asking for The List. Several listeners have already requested it so they can have it on hand as a reminder for how to stay sane through this crisis.

Stay well,

Susan

Don’t miss my next BlogTalk Radio podcast Wed., 6/17/20 8:30 PM EST: “Strategies for Living More Fully Amidst the Covid 19 Pandemic”

Tue, 16 Jun 2020 04:22:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

If you’re reading this at the time it’s being written then chances are, you’re grateful to still be healthy if you’re not already sick, you’re missing loved ones you can’t get on a plane to see or grieving someone you’ve lost, you’re sick of Zoom as your main connection to your work and social life, you miss going to public places and mingling with people up close, you miss simple things like stress-free grocery shopping, you’re wondering who’s next to die, you’re worried about how long you can hold onto the job you never loved, and among many other things, you’re wondering if you’ll live long enough to see the vaccine which could change everything.

I’ll be focusing my next BlogTalkRadio podcast on these issues, and sharing my ideas for how to maintain some sanity through this crisis. Don’t miss this 20 minute episode!

Tune in live 6/17/20 8:30 PM EST with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 or stream the podcast whenever you’d like at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager .

One way or the other I hope you can join me!

Life in Coronaland – “Is Cilantro Worth Dying for?”

Tue, 19 May 2020 19:03:00 GMT

Worth dying for?…..

Remember the days when you’d run out of an ingredient you needed for a special recipe and you could just head out to your local supermarket to get it – without fear of death? Remember ambling around with your cart up one aisle and down the next, getting all kinds of things you barely needed without having a panic attack when you encountered another human nearby? OMG! Breathing! Holy sh*t! – a cough! a sneeze! Remember being out and about without face masks, face shields, plastic gloves and barrels of sanitizer and wipes? Ah, life was so simple, spending money mindlessly shopping was such a joy!

(Fast forward to two weeks ago): Needing cilantro for a special dish, and having to think about its possible cost – will this be the trip that does me in? Or, will this errand be the tipping point – I get Covid 19, don’t know it because I’m asymptomatic and end up killing my immune-compromised husband?

So, the inevitable question: How important is that cilantro? Or that long overdue haircut? Or that rescheduled elective surgery on my toes? Is self indulgence, convenience or vanity justifiable in the Age of Covid 19? What’s really important to me? What costs are worth it? What kind of a person am I? Who am I willing to sentence to death for my wants?

Is cilantro worth dying for?……………………….

CNN Health: “5 Signs Your Coronavirus Anxiety Has Turned Serious, Threatening Your Mental Health, and What to Do About It”

Tue, 12 May 2020 03:26:00 GMT

CNN Health: by Sandee LaMotte

Enforced lockdowns. Isolation from friends and loved ones. Loss of job, income, economic stability.

Grief and loss on so many levels — from missing milestones such as birthdays and graduations to severe illness and death.

Difficult times made worse by the fear of an invisible, deadly enemy who strikes via the very air we breathe.

Coronavirus symptoms: 10 key indicators and what to do

Such is the anxiety-ridden reality of living in the age of coronavirus for many people around the world. While some of us may be coping well right now, experts worry our emotional resilience will begin to fray as the threat of Covid-19 drags on.

“We’re living constantly with a level of fear, a heightened state of arousal, much like Vietnam vets and Iraqi vets live with every day,” said trauma counselor Jane Webber, a professor of counselor education at Kean University in New Jersey.

“And our sympathetic nervous system can only stay in that overwhelmed, almost frenetic state for so long before we crash,” said Webber, who counseled survivors and families during 9/11’s tragic aftermath.

“I call it ‘chronic threat response’ — the continued state of being in a hyper-aroused survival mode,” said trauma psychologist Shauna Springer, who has spent a decade working with military veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, also known as PTSD.

Why soap, sanitizer and warm water work against Covid-19 and other viruses

“Chronic threat response is an escalation of many of the same symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress — sleep problems, floods of anxiety, irritability, difficulties concentrating and a hair-trigger startle response,” Springer said.

What are some of the signs that our coping skills are becoming threadbare and our anxieties may turn dark and more dangerous?

1. Poor sleep

Craving carbs and sleeping badly while social distancing? Here’s how to cope

Poor sleep is a double-edged sword: Not only does anxiety create poor sleep, a lack of quality sleep can lead to anxiety, stress and depression, a sort of circular impact. The good news is that exercise and practicing good sleep hygiene can often help get us back on track.

2. A focus on bad news

As we shelter in place, a focus on watching alarming media reports on the growth of the virus and the devastation to the economy is another warning flag, according to Springer.

“If we are spending our days soaking in this general anxiety and dread about what may happen, in a sort of foxhole waiting for bad news, that’s another sign that things are getting into a more clinical range,” she said.

Smoking weed and coronavirus: Even occasional use raises risk of Covid-19 complications

“And there’s the guilt of taking our feelings out on loved ones, which is likely to happen when you’re in close quarters with people for a long time and you haven’t adjusted to that.”

3. Loss of interest and pleasure

An even more serious sign, Springer said, is when we lose the taste for connection to others and stop reaching out to friends and family.

“When we can’t find pleasure in anything and we begin to feel numb rather than connecting with others and doing things we value or want to do with our lives, that’s a sign that we may need help and support, she said.

4. Helplessness or crippling anxiety

“An overwhelming feeling of helplessness is what often leads to trauma symptoms,” Springer said. “Those of us who’ve been let go from a job can feel as if we’ve lost our identity, due to the absence of the roles and relationships that give our lives meaning, and therefore we feel helpless. We can be at risk.”

Coronavirus: What to do if you or a loved one has symptoms

Helplessness can turn to a dark and crippling anxiety, which is another sign that we need help.

“Crippling anxiety is where you feel constantly flooded with feelings of panic and this nameless dread about what may unfold,” Springer said. “You don’t have a sense of a hopeful future. Anxiety creates tunnel vision and it really puts us in a state of fight or flight.

“And when we are in that survival mode for a prolonged period of time, that’s when anxiety goes into a darker phase and it really warrants clinical support,” she said.

5. Thoughts of suicide

Being so hopeless and anxious that we begin to think of ending our life is, of course, a sign that immediate professional help is needed, experts said.

“Military veterans say this is when ‘whispers of our demons’ begin to take over,” Springer said. “When we start to script out a story in our heads of how others won’t miss us or that we’re a burden to those that we love, that is a critical sign that we need to get help immediately.”

What to do to help yourself

Reach out and connect, just not physically. The first thing to do is stay socially connected with friends and loved ones even though you’re physically apart. Technology is a great way for many of us to do that, but some in the family, such as grandparents, may be as adept at using Facebook, Facetime and Zoom, for example.

“Instead of just relying on social media, we can make a list of the 10 or 20 people that we care the most about and put them in our phone on a rotating basis,” Springer said. “We’re going to call one of those people every day.”

You can’t hide your stress from your kids, study says

Next, Springer suggested adding more people from our outer ring of friends and associates that we may not be as close to and put those people into that daily call rotation. That’s especially critical if you think those people may be especially isolated right now.

“Reaching out and connecting with people, especially those who are especially isolated, and giving them space to talk about their experience and anxiety during this unprecedented time of anxiety and then sharing our own experience is how we will get through this,” she said. “When we connect, we survive.”

Breathe deeply. In therapy sessions, Webber said, “the thing we teach most is deep breathing. It’s free, it doesn’t cost anything and it really works.”

Here’s how to do it properly, she says: Breathe through the nose, hold it and then exhale very slowly out through your mouth like you’re breathing through a straw.

“And when you breathe slowly out, you improve your whole picture of life and you reduce your nervousness,” Webber said.

Practice gratitude. Science has shown that people who practice gratitude are happier and more optimistic — and you can easily teach yourself how to do it .

“One thing I recommend to everyone in scary times is to write two or three things each day of what you’re grateful for. It shifts your view of the world,” Webber said.

Five ways to improve your mental health in 2020

“I’m grateful for my daughter because she is home with me right now. I’m grateful for my son, the nurse. I’m grateful for my other son who has figured out every possible way of getting food online that there is in the entire county,” she added with a chuckle.

Take control of your mental state. Fight back against anxiety turning darker, experts suggested, by taking control of how you think.

“One of the ways to do that is to take out a sheet of paper, put a line down the middle and on one side write down the things we can’t control right now, and on the other write what we can control,” Springer said. “And then we form a plan of action that allows us to move on those things that we can control.’

This stops us from “soaking in that feeling of helplessness or if you will just be sitting in our foxhole and waiting for more bad news to come,” she said. “We’re actually moving on things that we want to be doing with our lives, even if there are some very challenging circumstances right now.”

The meaning behind your strange coronavirus dreams

For some people that may not feel possible, especially if they lost a job or were furloughed when the economy came to a screeching halt.

“Losing a job is a seismic stressor, one of the most stressful things that can happen to you,” Springer said. “But you can sit and ponder on your negative situation or you can use the time to learn something new or deepen yourself or gain some skills.”

She points to the many high quality, inexpensive or free training programs on the internet today that can add skills to your profession or even help you transition to something new.

“So people can use this time to build skills and become smarter and stronger and more prepared for when the workforce really kicks back in and full force,” Springer said.

Establish a schedule. Our days and nights are blending together, and many people find themselves working more hours, or if they can’t work, fretting about finances. One way to fight back to is establish a schedule that separates work or job search from family and play time, especially exercise, which is critical for boosting our mental mood. Meditation or mindfulness are also excellent options to schedule into our day, experts said.

“We have to create routines in order to get through this absolutely surrealistic world right now,” Webber said. “Focus on the little things, such as making a lunch in a special way, knitting, crocheting, meditation, mindfulness, yoga or walking or running to do something physical to help us reach a more calm mental state.”

Be careful with media, especially social media. Be sure to limit the amount of time you spend watching the news, especially if you feel it makes you anxious, experts said. That can also apply to social media, said Arthur Evans, the CEO of the American Psychological Association, in a recent interview for the Washington Journal section of CSPAN.

“There is a lot of misinformation on social media,” Evans said. “When you couple that with a lot of contradictory information, it creates more anxiety for people.”

For example, he said, social media is filled with conspiracy theories and other wrong information that “is contradicting what we are hearing from professionals who really know and understand these issues … so limiting the information to reliable sources, sources you can trust, goes a long way in helping manage that stress.”

Crack a smile. It’s long been said that “laughter is the best medicine,” and that applies to the anxiety of our times, experts said.

“Remember, you can’t be anxious and smile at the same time. That’s a physiological thing,” Webber said.

So watch funny movies, listen to comedy routines, ask everyone you talk to on the phone to tell you a joke. Give back to them by doing the same.

Stay optimistic. There are so many unknowns when it comes to this new disease that is terrorizing the world. Will it ease over the warmer summer months? Get better or worse as the world begins to open back up? Even worse, will it return with a vengeance in the fall and winter?

Don’t let those unknowns shake you or take away your optimism, Webber said.

“I consider optimism both healthy and an Achilles heel, because of course, being too optimistic might let you down,” she said. “But if I had the choice, optimism is always better than pessimism. And optimism is always better than realism. If we have hope that the best will come, we might be disappointed, but that hope, I always believe, will get to the person that you love.”

“If You’re Hitting a Wall You’re Not Alone”

Thu, 30 Apr 2020 13:51:00 GMT

(This CNN article was just forwarded to me by my cousin who is an avid reader, staying afloat in quarantine as a single person through her endless curiosity for information and ideas. I thought the article perfectly captured the dilemmas we all face now in this pandemic, and I couldn’t have covered it any better, so I’m sharing it with you here).

Opinion by Jill Filipovic

Updated 11:11 AM ET, Wed April 29, 2020

(CNN)

Are you losing your mind in quarantine? Because I am losing my mind in quarantine.

It can feel trite, even crude, to talk about our own discomforts, frustrations and longings in the midst of a pandemic that has infected more than three million people worldwide and killed more than 200,000 including nearly 60,000 in the United States, with numbers climbing.

Across the globe, families are grieving friends, family and community members. Husbands, wives, children, parents and partners are saying goodbye via iPad, unable to hold a loved one’s hand in their final moments. It’s a grim, ghastly time.

Those of us who are just stuck in self-isolation, and not hooked up to a respirator or the next-of-kin of someone who is, are the lucky ones. And no, what’s being asked of us is not excessive: We just need to stay home.

So why does this feel so hard?

Around the world, people report feeling stressed, anxious and generally discombobulated by this whole mess. Parents and other caregivers for young children are particularly stretched thin. People have canceled trips, concerts, weddings; new babies are being brought up without the help of extended family or community members; big life milestones like graduations go publicly uncelebrated. We miss the friends and family we can’t see. We miss dinners out, parties in, museums, live music, theater, even the gym.

I miss being able to walk through my neighborhood without the stress of staying six feet away from bikers, joggers, cooped-up children gone wild on scooters, and other pedestrians.

It’s not just working from home. I’ve worked from home for close to a decade, in many different cities and multiple countries. But the general rules of work-from-home life no longer apply. For example: Do something social, or at least that forces you to interact with other human beings, every day, even if that’s just going to the grocery store or the gym. Or: Create a separate dedicated workspace, even if it’s only a particular cushion on your couch; reserve your bed for sleeping (and other recreational activities). Or: Get outside at least once a day.

That’s all harder when your whole family is stuck inside on top of each other; when there are no gyms to go to; when, at least in dense cities, even going for a walk outside is a stressful (and masked) experience.

No, we are not being asked to go to war or survive one. But what we are being asked to do is profoundly antithetical to our natures as human beings; it is profoundly destabilizing and difficult. There is little more human than the desire for connection, touch, stimulation and novelty. This is all so hard because in going without those things, it’s not hyperbole to say we have to find new ways of being — or at least feeling — human.

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and best-selling author, tells viewers in a brief but compelling video for The New York Times that it’s no wonder we are feeling a sense of grief and anxiety. It’s not just that we’re missing out on travel, dates, or dinners. It’s that we’re also losing the meaning behind all of those things. A date isn’t just a date; it’s the possibility of a romantic future. A trip isn’t just a trip; it’s a new and stimulating experience, a chance to understand oneself in a different context, an opportunity to see things that before you could have only observed through a screen. A dinner out isn’t just a dinner out; it’s a moment of indulgence, pleasure and connection with the person across the table. A longing to hug a friend, a loved one, a far-away child, your mom is more than just “I want a hug” — it’s a primal and fundamental longing for the way touch is so often short-hand for everything we don’t find the words to say.

Even in the midst of catastrophe — war, natural disaster, destruction — human beings continue to forge connections; we perhaps especially forge connections in the most trying of times so we can survive. In the most dire of circumstances — in war zones and refugee camps, in towns leveled by earthquakes and communities pocked by violence — people create art, paint in bright colors, plant seeds. They play music. They feed their beloveds. They tell stories. They fall in love.

The isolation that this pandemic has forced upon us doesn’t prevent all of those things, but it certainly hinders them. In the days after September 11, 2001, New Yorkers defied stay-at-home suggestions to congregate in bars and restaurants; the city teemed with life and energy (and, for once, not with car horns — a little bit of softness in the aftermath of such brutality). That collective gathering was very much a collective middle finger to those who attacked us: No, we are not scared. Yes, we are still here, and guess what? We’re going to live.

What is being asked of us now is not quite so satisfying; it does not meet our need, in a time of anxiety and grief, to come together and seek comfort. To touch each other. To even smile at a stranger — you can’t see a person’s expression behind a mask.

Compared to illness and death, these are small things. Being alive matters more, and so of course we have to continue to live this way for as long as is necessary to keep ourselves and others safe and healthy.

But it’s also OK to grieve the pieces of life that we’re missing, to express the feeling so many of us have that we can’t take it anymore. It’s necessary to understand that missing the fullness of life, including pleasure and connection, doesn’t make us selfish. Feeling destabilized and disoriented or pushed to a breaking point doesn’t make us flaky or weak. It makes us human.

And perverse as it may sound, those of us who are anxious, frustrated and disoriented can be grateful for that exact experience — in disorienting and disconnected times, this reaction is a rational one. It means we’re warm. We love. We’re curious. We seek pleasure, and we revel in it when we experience it. It means we live.

“The Softened Startup” according to the Gottmans

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 14:26:00 GMT

I’m reprinting a brief article I received from the Gottman Institute about how to approach your partner with a complaint without the complaint getting experienced as a criticism, or an attack on their character. This “softened startup” is an approach I’ve been advocating for years to couples, but I thought it was very succinctly captured in the Gottman’s article. Here it is:

In the last Marriage Minute, we talked about Criticism, the first of the Four Horsemen. To review, criticism is an attack on your partner’s character or personality, often starting with “you always” or “you never.” Or you can be more direct with criticism: “You are so lazy,” or, “That’s just like you, finding any excuse not to spend time with me.”

Fortunately, it’s reversible.

The antidote to Criticism is what we call The Softened Start-Up.

To soften your start-up means to approach a conversation with how you’re feeling about the situation, not your perception of your partner’s flaws or behavior. There’s a difference between complaints and criticism. A complaint addresses a specific instance or action and acknowledges how it made you feel.

A good formula to remember is:

“ I feel [your feeling]”

hurt
abandoned
attacked
left out
etc.

“ About [the specific behavior, not a pattern of behavior]”

“when I’m not invited to virtual happy hours with your friends,”
“when you don’t read the articles I send you,”
“when we don’t have dinner together.”

“ And I need [state the positive need].”

Practice softening your start-up.

You can even practice together with your partner, giving advice to an imaginary couple who struggles with criticism. For example, how would you soften “You always leave dirty dishes in the sink”?

You can also apply this formula to positive things—”I feel cared for when you check in to see how my day is going!”

Life Is Not on Hold!

Wed, 08 Apr 2020 14:40:00 GMT

Here is a post I just received and got permission to reprint from Cindy Giovagnoli, a wise old soul, world traveller, photographer, artist and writer. See what you think:

Our lives are not “on hold”

Oooooh, do I have a doozy of a conversation to have with you today!

Not everyone’s going to like this, but I think you’ll get it.

Sooooo…

There is a single phrase that keeps popping up in conversations with friends and clients, and I keep seeing it written as part of social media posts and in emails from people and companies I follow.

And it’s a big fat ugly lie that I want to address head on.

The phrase?

That our lives are “on hold” during this pandemic.

Which, of course, they absolutely are not.

I know what you’re going to say, and yes, a lot of plans and projects and ideas are indeed on hold.

But plans and projects and ideas are not our lives.

They are part of our story, of course, but not its entirety.

Not even a little bit.

Every day the minutes and hours continue to tick away.

There is no “pause” button happening right now. No one yelled “freeze!” and the world stopped on its axis.

Ask any human who has suffered the unthinkable and they will tell you that there is no such thing.

The world marches on. The seasons change. The days pass whether we agree that that is the fair thing or not.

Our lives are never, ever “on hold” no matter how much we might beg for a time-out to catch our breaths.

But here’s the thing.

That is okay.

I’m not saying that it always feels okay, because it sure as shit doesn’t.

But it IS okay.

On a long enough timeline, everything is okay one way or another.

And here’s another thing. It’s the thing I really want you to take away from what I’m saying today.

You still have agency in your life unless you choose to relinquish it.

You have choices about how you spend each one of those minutes, hours, days- they are not “on hold.”

You always have and it’s as true now as it ever was.

Some choices have been taken off the table without our consent and we don’t like that.

Nobody does.

Of course we don’t like that.

But there are still plenty of choices left there for us.

Feel whatever you feel— don’t shove your feelings away or pretend they don’t exist.

AND ALSO make conscious choices about what you do.

Those things are not mutually exclusive.

We can take ownership of our actions.

We can take ownership of our choices.

We do not have to relinquish the agency we have over our lives.

There is a lot in this world I cannot control.

The truth is that there always has been. ALWAYS.

I choose to stay empowered.

I choose to decide how I want to spend my minutes and my hours and my days.

Sometimes those choices will look “productive” and sometimes they won’t.

Sometimes those choices will be to engage with people or tasks that “distract” me from other things I want.

But the choices are mine to make and I will strive to make ones that best serve the life I want for myself.

I wish the same empowerment and agency for you.

Stay curious out there.

Cindy

Life in Coronaland

Sun, 05 Apr 2020 23:12:00 GMT

Most everyone in the world, for some time now, has been experiencing the anxiety, losses, uncertainty, and constraints of social distancing related to Coronavirus. We know we’re living in an apocalyptic scenario, we hear all the gory details on the news and from each other every day. The people who seem to be surviving best in this new “normal” are the hard-core introverts, and even they are weirded out. I am not a cryer, but have done my share in the last few weeks, so I get the trauma in all this.

However, there are also some pretty bizarre and funny things going on which I think it would be therapeutic to notice and share. We’ve gotta find some humor amidst this crisis, so I will be doing my part here to spread the word about what’s laughable and inspiring in our current reality.

First installment:

“Big Night Out – Suicidal Grocery Shopping at BJ’s”

Imagine Darth Vader walking around in front of you in a store. It was the perfect setup for social distancing! People around me probably thought I was either a psycho or someone about to rob the place, so nobody came near, even the customer service people who ordinarily assist when you’re useless at the Self Check Out line, as I generally am. It didn’t help that I was also wearing a giant scarf to seal the bottom opening of the helmet, so my hair was plastered down with sweat and the plastic shield was all fogged up from the heat condensation. Then at BJ’s you have to look for half boxes to pack your groceries in – uh oh, cardboard! More Coronavirus droplets about to pounce! My solution was to get this Big Night Out over and done with at top speed so my immune- compromised husband who was waiting in the car, wouldn’t worry that I’d succumbed to evil Covid-19. Of course it was pouring outside, and he’d parked right in front of the store, way too close to other people who were loading up their cars. He was less than 6 feet away from them, ready to help me! Of course I starting shrieking warnings at him from inside my Darth Vader getup, now soaked from the rain as well, so those people also backed off. (Handy)……….

I think the “insanity posture” may be very effective for our Covid-19 existence. It certainly worked when I lived in Manhattan, would be coming home from work on the deserted subway late at night, and approached by some menacing creep. I’ve never carried any weapon except the ability to appear totally crazy, loudly shouting out psychotic rants, which I’d witnessed at Bronx State Hospital where I’d worked on the ward with folks who were in a different state of reality. Nobody wants to screw with an insane person, so in my later middle-of-the-night homeward bound subway rides I never got mugged or attacked. Shady characters would always back off. It was my perfect New York defense. If you’re not too self conscious I’d highly recommend it when clueless people get within 6 feet of you nowadays, especially the friendly ones.

The good news is that we had our Big Night Out and now have lots of freezer paper, cheese and Half and Half. Hallelujah!

Moving forward with therapy amidst Covid -19

Tue, 31 Mar 2020 19:22:00 GMT

To all current and prospective clients,

I hope you and your family are all well and managing this crisis reasonably well.

In the interest of safety and social responsibility I’m no longer seeing clients at the office, but instead via either phone or video conferencing through Doxy.me, an easy to use, HIPAA compliant setup. All you’ll need to do is to wait for an email from Doxy.me/SusanLager telling you I’m ready to begin your session, click on the link enclosed and you’ll be in my virtual “waiting room” until I let you into your session. There’s no need for you to download any software or join anything. A Chrome or Firefox connection is best, but Safari works as well. A laptop or iPad provides much better reception than an iPhone.

If you prefer, we can do a phone session if you don’t have access to a computer or would be more comfortable

with that. Just let me know what number you’d like me to call.

*You will just need to call my VM at 603-431-7131 ahead of time to let me know your preference, so we don’t take up your session time with these logistics.

I’m recommending that all clients who would be coming in for sessions under normal circumstances continue their therapy this way, especially in these times of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, loss and isolation. All you’ll need will be a private space and a laptop, iPad or phone for 50 minutes. This will allow you to continue our work in the safety and comfort of your own home or private space.

If your are a current client I would expect us to maintain all sessions moving forward, especially in light of the possibility that this crisis will persist for the next several months, according to infectious disease experts. Waiting until this pandemic recedes to schedule a next session at the office may just be too ambiguous, creating a prolonged limbo state for your relationship work. The same is true if you are a prospective client.

It’s of paramount importance to me that my clients have tools for support and continued growth during this highly stressful time which challenges everyone’s fanciest coping skills, especially for couples who have already been wrestling with relationship or family issues. I hope you’ll avail yourself of this “new normal” way of working.

Stay healthy and safe,

Susan

Some insight about managing your anxiety amidst Covid-19

Mon, 30 Mar 2020 00:45:00 GMT

(Here’s an article my cousin sent me I’m reprinting so all of you can benefit from the honesty and wisdom in it):

I have clinical anxiety. If the coronavirus scares you, this might help

I’m not a doctor, but what I’ve come to learn over 20 years is that you really can master your anxiety.

By Kara Baskin Globe Correspondent,Updated March 25, 2020, 2:08 p.m.

ADOBE STOCK IMAGE; GLOBE STAFF ILLUSTRATION

Editor’s Note: This story is part of a Globe Magazine special report, appearing in print on Sunday, March 29.

You might think that this is a terrible moment for someone with a clinical anxiety disorder. But here’s the thing: It’s like the rest of you have finally caught up with me. Hyper-vigilance? Insomnia? Catastrophizing? Extreme fear of uncertainty? Welcome to my Isle of Dread. Care for a cocktail?

I’m kidding, sort of. Panic disorder and extreme health anxiety have alternatively propelled and paralyzed me for two decades. For the most part, I exist as a fully functional human being thanks to 10 milligrams of Lexapro, an insightful therapist (now available on video chat), and long-practiced behaviors that keep me even-keeled.

But many friends, thankfully never touched by the cold paws of anxiety, are now asking me how to deal. They don’t know what it’s like to awaken each morning wondering what kind of mood they’ll be in, or to contemplate whether today will be the day that mortality — in the form of a rash, a lump, a tremor — descends. They have never gasped for breath, ridden the acidic wave of heart palpitations and clammy sweats, and clawed for reassurance like a feral cat only to retreat into a mind that offers no solace, only more questions.

Most people move through the world assuming it has a veneer of predictability, or what psychologist Luana Marques calls a “thin veil of certainty.” We are not wired to deal with open-endedness; under normal circumstances, for example, we can feel fairly certain when we go to the grocery store that we’re not going to contract a virus. That has changed.

“But uncertainty is there all the time, and we just don’t feel it,” says Marques, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America . Anxiety sufferers know this intimately. You might be realizing it for the first time.

Please know that it will be OK. What I’ve come to learn over the course of 20 years is that you really can master your anxiety. I’m not a New Age guru or a doctor; I’m just a person who’s ridden it out. Here’s the trick: Don’t deny it. Accept that you are absolutely, 100 percent going to feel awful sometimes. I know, I know — the world is rife with mindfulness apps, breathing strategies, glamping retreats, and drugs aplenty to keep your unease at bay. These have their place. We cannot live in a state of heightened vigilance at all times.

But engaging with discomfort is its own therapy, too. It’s the most un-American thing ever, yet: You must sometimes feel bad. So accept the anxiety. Don’t blunt it; summon it. This sounds counterintuitive, I know, but anxiety isn’t a mark of shame to hide from people whom you assume are far more resilient than you. (They’re not.) It will continue to bounce on your shoulders like a thorny goblin until you grab it, stare it in the face, and have a firm chat.

“The first thing I’ve been making people understand is that anxiety is a normal response to a threat,” Marques says. “We want to run away from discomfort, but pushing anxiety away makes it worse. We’re living in times when most of us are comfortably uncomfortable at a minimum. Understand that by embracing our emotions and labeling them, we can ride the wave a little more smoothly.” It’s like surfing. You’ll be jostled by the ocean, tossed around, and eventually tumbled back onto the shore.

Of course, this is all academic until you’re hiding under a weighted blanket scrolling Twitter, wondering about that tickle in your throat. A behavioral way to cope is by doing something action-oriented, Marques says: cooking dinner with your kids, going for a walk. You’re forcing your brain to deal with what’s right in front of you.

Yet those of us with anxiety disorders also know that the only way out is by sitting with the discomfort until it dissipates. It’s like stepping into a hot tub and staying there until the water grows lukewarm. Acknowledge that you’re scared, and then tell yourself that you’ll sit, and you’ll breathe, and you’ll exist — yes, you will exist, minute by minute — until the feeling goes away. And, of course, reach out for professional help if you feel you need it.

Frame it as what we’re being asked to do in quarantine, on a smaller scale. Your mind is your own private bunker. You can’t just get up to leave, but when the door finally opens, think how much stronger you’ll be.

Passive Choices

Sat, 07 Mar 2020 21:22:00 GMT

Most of us like to think that usually things happen to us because we’ve made an overt decision – we enroll in a class, then we take the class, we buy certain foods, then eat them later, we drive in a certain direction and end up at our destination. Our mindset is that when these things go awry, its misfortune or an overtly bad decision or mistake on our own part or someone else’s part. And that can be true, but how about the choices we make by not doing certain things or avoiding and denying certain things? How about the role of procrastination in shaping our outcomes?

I worked with a couple awhile ago who were in a war about these other types of choices I call “passive choices.” The husband years earlier had been diagnosed with very high blood pressure and high cholesterol. About 10 years ago he was hospitalized for a burst aortic aneurism, survived it and had a stent put in. He was advised to eat a heart healthy diet and exercise regularly to avoid further cardiovascular problems. According to his wife he initially paid some lip service to those instructions, then proceeded to eat whatever he wanted, drink alcohol liberally, and almost never do any cardio exercise. So it was no surprise to her when last year he needed another stent elsewhere and a repair of the aortic stent, a serious, painful operation requiring extensive recovery and involving lots of caregiving assistance. Needless to say the wife was rips**t! It was clear to her that this was the life he had passively chosen , he wasn’t a victim of bad luck. He couldn’t understand why she had so little empathy for his plight, why so cold? Her retort repeatedly was “You CHOSE this! Your inaction, your avoidance, your denial set the stage for this! What did you think would happen, living the way you did? You CHOSE this life!”

So, what’s the moral of this sad story? Pay attention to not only what you do in an obvious, concrete way, but also to what you do through inaction or denial.

Do you routinely put off paying bills until you get charged late fees? If so, you are choosing to create bad credit and financial complications.
Do you neglect to return calls or emails from family or friends? If so, you are choosing alienation or conflict in those relationships.
Do you wait for a health crisis to follow your doctor’s advise? If so, you are choosing poor health.
Do you procrastinate meeting deadlines for tasks at your job? If so, you are choosing to get a lousy review, maybe even be earmarked for the next layoff.
Do you avoid hot topic conversations with your spouse or partner? If so, you are choosing to create a reservoir of resentment and distance between you two.

Instead:

Focus less on your benign intentions and more on how you play them out behaviorally. Good intentions mean very little if your actions aren’t lined up with them.
Realize that you can be a good person, making some bad passive choices.
Pay attention to the “handwriting on the wall – early markers of negative outcomes so you can steer in a different, more desirable direction.
Recognize that you make choices every day, both actively and passively, and that both kinds can create very powerful outcomes.

Rethinking Our Notions About “Productivity”

Fri, 10 Jan 2020 22:25:00 GMT

I’m sharing this beautifully written blogpost with you from Cindy Giovagnoli about expanding our definitions of “productivity.” This is a subject I find personally and professionally very relevant, and one that I think you may too, so I’m delighted that she gave me permission to reprint it here to share with you, my readers.

Cindy is a gifted photographer, artist, writer, podcaster, website developer, adventurer and nature lover whom I did a podcast with a few years ago about “Noticing.” She’s a funny, honest, wise old soul whose thoughts and ideas can be found at: StayCurious@CindyGiovagnoli.com .

Enjoy!

Susan

A few days ago, I took Chili Dog over to my favorite local running trails so that he and I could both stretch our legs and breathe in some wild air away from the sounds of cars and people and busy-ness.

It was drizzly and a little raw ( Seattle winter, anyone? ), but I actually love the woods in that weather- it feels extra quiet and mysterious and there tends to be fewer people on the trails.

As Chili and I began, I ran through my mental list of things “to do” while I was out there. I wanted to brainstorm a writing project and some website tweaks I’m making behind the scenes. I wanted to think about possible applications for some advice I’d heard on a podcast episode. Think through the structure of a class I’ll be offering locally in 2020.

I pulled up the “notes” app on my phone, ready to jot down what came to me. As I was looking down at my screen, a bigleaf maple leaf fell from the tree above me and landed across my phone.

How’s that for a sign from the universe?

As I peeled the enormous damp leaf from my phone, I realized that I’d fallen into a mindset trap that can sneak up on us without our noticing: the idea that “being productive” is the highest value on our time.

It was a Tuesday in the middle of the day- didn’t I have to justify my hours in the woods with some kind of work product?

There are two big problems with that idea:

(1) It defines “productive” as relating solely to work product, to tangible, measurable outcomes related to how I make my living. That’s a pretty narrow definition.

What about how I do my living? As in, the quality of my life ? Of my days? They’re numbered, after all. Such is the reality of mortality.

So why wouldn’t my definition of “productive” include things that bring health, wellness, wonder, awe, peace, or simple joy to my days?

It should

Walking in the woods, reading a novel, meeting a friend for great conversation over coffee, sketching in my journal, taking in an exhibit…even binge-watching Netflix in the right circumstances- these can all qualify as “productive” tasks when we broaden the definition to include the things that make our lives richer and more enjoyable.

(2) If we’ve decided that being “productive” (even in it’s broadened definition) is the absolute highest value we can place on our time, we’ve disregarded the power of blank space in our lives. And blank space is where a lot of magic happens.

Part of what led me to a “to do” list of brainstorming ideas while on a walk in the woods is the fact that I often have breakthroughs and game-changing ideas when I’m out on such an excursion.

But.

The reason that those breakthroughs and ideas happen is usually due to the fact that I’ve allowed my mind free time. I’ve allowed boredom and daydreaming and for my thoughts to wander where they will at random.

It’s amazing what can pop up when we allow our brains to do their own thing for a bit. It’s why so many ideas land on people while they’re in the shower.

Connections are made. Problems are solved. Ideas take shape.

But there’s no way to force this. There’s no way to prompt it.

We simply have to leave some blank space and then see what happens.

Sometimes that space will result in ideas or breakthroughs and sometimes it won’t. You never know.

At worst, we end up with a brain that got a bit of rest. Not such a bad deal, really.

So I invite you to broaden your definition of “productive” to include the things that add richness and meaning and joy to your life, regardless of whether they have a measurable outcome that makes money or not. And also to allow for some blank space for boredom and daydreaming and letting your mind wander at will.

I’d like to hear what that looks like for you, so hit reply and tell me- how do you define productive and where do you find some space in your days?

Stay curious out there!

P.S. I’m a little late this week, but I’ll be going live in The Curiosity Cabinet tomorrow at 12 noon EST . I hope you’ll join me for 10-15 minutes of talking a bit about embracing these ideas of re-defined productivity and the value of empty space in our lives!

Piano Folly – Are You Afflicted With It?

Tue, 31 Dec 2019 20:49:00 GMT

Most of us have talked about wanting to do or achieve certain things in our lifetime – learn to speak Spanish, remodel the house, write a book of poems, volunteer for a humanitarian cause, take a trip to India, etc. There’s also often a sense of what needs to happen first to make that possible – quit my job, earn six figures, retire, get married, etc. – some future point in time when the stars will align perfectly to facilitate the doing of the thing we claim is important. In the psychotherapy world we call this “destination addiction.”

My “thing” was to be regularly playing our beautiful Mason & Hamlin grand piano with ease and competence. Early in our marriage my husband and I had been fortunate enough to buy the piano for a small sum after it made its way here, supposedly from a castle in Ireland. It was a magical event!

I used to take lessons, and MaryJoyce, my teacher, would exclaim about my large hands and how I was perfectly equipped to play Franz Liszt. It seemed that the piano and I were meant to be a team. Sadly, a few years later, MaryJoyce died and I was so pregnant that it was uncomfortable to sit at the bench, especially now with no accountability to anyone who could witness my musical strivings and ability. So, I stopped playing, and there the sad, majestic piano still sits, unused, reminding me daily of my unfulfilled “commitment.” I look at it regularly with longing from my desk in the “piano room” (which also functions as my home office). I’m reminded daily of my “piano folly.”

I now realize that playing the piano competently has been a sweet story I’ve told myself – a lovely idea, without any renewed infrastructure or resources to back it up, especially since I’ve been taking guitar lessons this last year, honoring a precious gift my family gave me long ago. With my full time private practice and the other realities of my life there aren’t enough hours in the day to dedicate myself right now to both instruments. So, realizing that we make choices in life about where to put our energy and time, I’ve accepted that for now, playing Franz Liszt with facility is part of my “piano folly.” Unlike my commitment to play the guitar, I’ve not hired a teacher, dug up the sheet music, or scheduled in regular tunings and the time to play the piano. A passion without a plan to make room for it, is just a dream.

So, if you’ve also dreamed about doing or achieving certain things in your life, make sure you avoid self delusion, (“piano folly”), by creating some accountability, first to someone else who will take you seriously and hold you to your dream when you get discouraged, but most importantly, accountability to yourself – an action plan, tools, markers of stagnation or change, so you make your dream come alive.

In my case, it’s not the end of the road for the piano and me. When I’m ready to fully commit with not just longing , but with action , Mason & Hamlin and I will make lovely music again together.

Next 20 Minute BlogTalk Radio Podcast Sunday, 11/24 8:30 PM EST: “Take the Dread Out of the Holidays with Some Simple Strategies”

Sun, 24 Nov 2019 01:22:00 GMT

Don’t miss this next BlogTalk Radio podcast!

In this 20 minute episode I’ll share my insights about some of the common sources of holiday related anxiety and stress, and how being proactive and intentional can transform the season.

If you have a history of some really negative experiences related to the holidays, and struggle with how to make it all more manageable, even magical, then this episode is for you! I’ll help you see how some simple planning, realism, and clear boundaries can make all the difference. You’ll see how you alone, or you and your spouse may have the power to turn it all around to meaning, connection and joy.

Call in live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 . If you can’t make this (first ever) Sunday night podcast while it’s happening, you can stream it at your convenience anytime at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager .

Hope one way or the other you can join me!

Susan

The Challenge of Staying Present

Tue, 15 Oct 2019 13:08:00 GMT

This guy, Tucker, is one of the 4-legged loves of my life. In previous posts I’ve written about how through our daily romps in the woods around my land and walks around the neighborhood he reminds me about what’s most important in life, especially as I veer off into thoughts about my unanswered emails, calls, bills needing attention, etc. (Refer to “Its’ All About the Ball!”)

I share him with our next door neighbors Peggy and Dave who inherited him, not having had an agenda or a wish for such a demanding, messy creature. They love Tucker but Dave isn’t a dog guy. So our arrangement works. I don’t have a dog of my own, so Tucker is it. He lives at Peggy and Dave’s, but his heart lives with me.

Here’s the thing: Tucker at 7 years old has terminal cancer. Six months after surgery to remove a huge malignant mass on his thyroid the cancer is back. After a subsequent evaluation, the vet gave him about 7 months to live. My challenge is how to manage the pain of witnessing his imminent suffering and probably losing him not long from now, without wasting precious time we have together today – time for joy and much fun. It’s a mind screw and a heartbreak – right now he has minor symptoms – some weakness in his legs and some coughing, but other than that he still acts like an exuberant toddler, full of sweetness, innocence and life.

“Staying present” means being in the moment without preoccupation about the past or the future. Some Eastern spiritual practices say that when you’re anxious you’re not here now, but in some possible or anticipated future, and when you’re sad you’re living in the past, grieving some loss or disappointment. So, the challenge is to be here for the present moment, savoring and amplifying it. The present moment is usually just fine if we don’t mess it up with our thoughts. For me with Tucker the present moment is about enjoying his current vitality and playfulness, savoring the shared sights and smells of Autumn without obsessing about it probably being his last one. (And by the way, research has indicated that people who practice savoring and amplifying positive experiences have more happy neural pathways which show up on brain scans)!

If you are in a situation like this with a similar challenge, make room for your sadness and honor it when it visits you. But, so your sadness doesn’t drown out all else, when you’ve given your sadness its’ due, change the channel in your brain through the practice of noticing the specialness of this present moment, take a mental snapshot, then save it as a treasure to place in your treasure box of memories for the future. Pay attention to what is right in front of you and appreciate its meaning to you. You will be present for your life which will feel much fuller, and in the future you’ll be thankful for that!

I’m Finally Back….

Sat, 28 Sep 2019 02:16:00 GMT

If you’re a follower of this blog you may have been wondering where I was all summer – why no posts?? Where’s the new material, any new tools or resources, even just thoughts ?

The answer is: I’ve been having too much fun practicing what I preach to clients: nourishing connection with self, family and friends, mostly outside , nowhere near a computer! I’ve put away the devices, as we all should do with some intentionality, and practiced more face-to-face experiences. How can a cell phone or a laptop compete with a glorious, sunny 80 degree day on the lake with beloved family or friends? How can researching and posting about all the new resources for creating joy and meaning compete with the meaning derived by loving up the local shelter dogs each Monday? And what “work-related” activity on Earth can compete with days at the beach or the park with our irrepressible two year old granddaughter Anna and Old Soul grand-dog Barley? What thoughtful article or diligent new podcast could possibly compete with immersion in the magnificence of our coast, our mountains, our rivers and forests here in the Northeast for the measly three months of friendly weather? None!!!

Then, there’s the other knee with it’s own torn meniscus, amplifying a sense of needing to “make hay while the sun shines”, knowing the inevitable surgery is around the corner (successfully completed today), bringing with it mandatory vegging out on the couch and a perfect opportunity to get back together with all my devices, my writing, my internal world.

So, there you have it – iced knee on pillows, hoping for crappy weather to avoid FOMO, and lots to share once again with you, my gentle readers whom I hope will forgive my incognito, hedonistic summer and know that I’m finally back…

Susan

Don’t miss my next 15 minute BTR podcast on Wed. 5/29 at 8:30 PM EDT: “The Pitfalls of ‘All or Nothing’ in Marriage and Life”

Tue, 28 May 2019 00:12:00 GMT

Are you an “all or nothing,” “black or white” person? If so, you’ve probably created a lot of pressure for yourself with your unacknowledged perfectionism!

Tune into my next 15 minute BlogTalk Radio podcast and learn how this attitude and behavior can limit possibilities for connection, conflict resolution, and productivity, among other things.

In this brief podcast you’ll get some insights and ideas about how practicing “Grey” and “Some” can relieve pressure, and help you and your partner get to the things most important to you both. I’ll be sharing some examples from my own life, so you’ll know you’re not alone with this challenge, and hopefully, you’ll have a few good laughs on me!

Call into the studio live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST on Wednesday, May 29th. If you can’t join the live show you can stream the podcast anytime afterward at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

I was a second place finalist in the Marriage and Relationship Blogs Award!

Mon, 22 Apr 2019 16:36:00 GMT

“Being a Grownup When You Must: 6 Practical Tools” BTR Podcast Wed. 4/3 8:30 PM EST

Mon, 01 Apr 2019 00:04:00 GMT

Who wants to get up at the crack of dawn, leave a cozy, warm bed, get into a workout outfit and head to the gym for an hour of exertion and sweating?

Who wants to spend a Saturday doing the books and paperwork for their self-owned business, instead of listening to music, romping in the woods, or hanging out, eating and drinking with the people you enjoy?

Who wants to come home after eight grueling hours at the office to walk the lonely dog, answer twenty overdue emails, and cook dinner on demand?

Who wants to spend a whole beautiful Sunday afternoon in July visiting a sick friend who’s in the hospital an hour away?

Unless you’re an obsessed athlete, a compulsive accountant, a precise rule follower, or an unconscious co-dependent, you’ll probably be thinking “NOT ME!”

So, the big question becomes: how do you get yourself to honor your “Shoulds”? How do you motivate yourself to do the right thing, taking care of the not-so-fun parts of your life which require attention? How do you attend to your connections and responsibilities to your friends and family when doing so may be tiring, and not very glamorous or convenient?

Here are two of the six useful tips I’ve learned and shared with clients which I’ll be discussing in the 20 minute podcast on Wednesday 4/3/19 at 8:30 PM EST:

Connect with your deeper, less momentary motivation. Think about the big picture and why doing this thing is nagging at you? Will you be creating a big mess by avoiding it? Will someone else get hurt or offended if you blow this thing off? Is there a health issue which needs to be addressed in some regular way? Or, is this “Should” an unnecessary, illogical, guilt-driven piece of head noise?
Try to automate this activity if you can, as with exercising daily. Build it in and make it part of your schedule. By doing this you reduce conflict by pre-empting some bargaining on your part. When you automate things you spend less time thinking about how boring or annoying they may seem, (like brushing your teeth). The Nike company made multiple millions with their “Just Do It” slogan for good reason!

So, if you relate to this issue and want the other four tips about pushing yourself when it’s the grown up thing to do, tune into this brief podcast at BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

*If you’d like to join me live on the air with questions or comments call into the studio at 877-497-9046 .

How Do You Manage Conflict?

Thu, 14 Mar 2019 01:06:00 GMT

The most prevalent problem I deal with in my work as a psychotherapist with individuals and couples is the issue of how people talk to each other when they’re trying to manage conflict. And “conflict” isn’t always about big ticket items, like how to handle a kid’s bad behavior, or who is spending how much money. Conflict can be about who forgot to feed the dog or who did a lousy job declining an invitation to a party. It can be about anything where there’s an experience of difference or disappointment or hurt or aggravation or frustration. (The list goes on and on). So, if you notice a fair amount of escalation or reactivity or avoidance or defensiveness or criticism in your marriage you may need some help. You’ll want to first understand how the tactics you and your spouse use may be destructive and why. You’ll also want to know how these behaviors can become part of a toxic pattern which may put you at a higher risk for divorce. Most importantly, you’ll want some tools for how to deal with conflict in more mature, constructive and respectful ways so the two of you don’t become a nasty statistic.

For a quick primer on all of this I’d recommend that you listen to my latest podcast on BlogTalk Radio about this subject. In just 30 minutes I condense the subject sufficiently so you’ll be better equipped in this department. After that, it just takes practice, practice, practice, like anything else that matters in life.

Here’s the link to the podcast:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanlager/2019/03/07/4-communication-styles-that-can-ruin-marriage-and-what-you-can-do-to-fix-them

*If you need some help with this issue because you either get too distracted or overwhelmed or discouraged on your own, then contact me for an appointment at my Portsmouth office at 603-431-7131

Don’t Forget to Vote For Me in the Marriage and Relationships Blogs Awards!

Tue, 05 Mar 2019 00:56:00 GMT

A reminder that my blog has been nominated again to be recognized, now in this competition by StartDating.DK, a Dutch online dating resource. So far, I have 66% of the votes, but not by many votes! If you enjoy this blog, learn some stuff here about how to manage yourself in your relationships, and want more people to find me and also get tools for better relationships then VOTE for me by clicking on the link below:

https://www.startdating.dk/awards/marriage-relationships-blogs-award

Thanks for your support!

Susan Lager

Don’t Miss My Next 30 Minute BTR Podcast on 3/6/19 at 8:30 PM EST!: “4 Communication Styles That Can Ruin Your Marriage and How To Fix Them”

Tue, 05 Mar 2019 00:28:00 GMT

On Wednesday, March 6th at 8:30 PM EST I’ll be airing this 30 minute podcast about a vital issue you and your spouse need to know about – the 4 biggest communication violations around conflict, their dire effect on marriages, and how, with some do-able attitude and behavioral adjustments you can avoid their negative cascade of effects often leading to divorce.

Don’t become another statistic! Learn to behave better in your marriage, even when you’re angry, disappointed, or anxious, and need to let your spouse know about that. Become aware of the ways you can either communicate in an offensive or respectful manner, especially when you’re upset.

To join into the conversation live with questions or comments call into the studio at 877-497-9046 and dial “1” on your phone. I’d love to have you part of a conversation!

Best,

Susan

Listen to my 2/1819 eight minute interview on National Broadcast Radio here!

Tue, 19 Feb 2019 02:25:00 GMT

Here’s the broadcast about my business, my services and my history. Hope you enjoy it! http://nbrfm.com/showfiles/2018/Susan%20Lager-02%2018%2019-Couples%20Therapy-Chris.mp3 The post Listen to my 2/1819 eight minute interview on National Broadcast Radio here! appeared first on Susan Lager.

Tune into my National Broadcast Radio interview Monday, 2/18 at 1:48

Mon, 18 Feb 2019 01:57:00 GMT

I am being interviewed by National Broadcast Radio on Monday, February 18th at 1:48 for a brief 8 minutes. If you’d like to tune in live go to www.nbrfm.com/studio2 to hear me talk about my business and the services I provide, how I got into this field, and where I see myself going in the future.

Don’t miss this broadcast!

Don’t forget to vote for me in the Marriage and Relationships Blogs Awards Competition!

Mon, 28 Jan 2019 19:36:00 GMT

This blog has been nominated again to be recognized, now in this competition by StartDating.DK, a Dutch online dating resource. If you enjoy this blog, learn some stuff here about how to manage yourself in your relationships, and want more people to find me and also get tools for better relationships then VOTE for me by clicking on the link below: https://www.startdating.dk/awards/marriage-relationships-blogs-award Thanks for your support! Susan Lager

Next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio podcast Wed., 1/30/19 at 8:30 PM: “How to Interrupt Frustrating Impasses and Standoffs with Your Spouse”

Mon, 28 Jan 2019 19:26:00 GMT

In this 30 minute episode I explore the frequently experienced issue of standoffs or impasses in marriage – those times when couples get “locked in” to a negative sequence when nobody feels heard or acknowledged, and nothing gets resolved. These “lock-in’s” can be about critical issues of importance or minor things, but the feelings of frustration, anger, and helplessness generally feel quite awful for each spouse.

Tune in to get some handy tools this couples therapist can teach you to interrupt the impasses, manage yourself more calmly, and move forward with your spouse in a more conciliatory manner.

Join me and have to option to be live on the air with questions or comments by calling toll-free 877-497-9046 .

If you can’t make the live podcast you can stream it anytime at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager .

A Second Important Question for Spouses with Kids

Wed, 16 Jan 2019 17:55:00 GMT

(Here’s the second very good question Parenting NH magazine asked me recently):

What are some practical tips and ways for parents to prioritize their relationship as spouses/partners?

Most people know about the importance of setting aside quality time together through things like “date night.” Having a planned, ritualized time alone with your partner amplifies your “couple-ness” through shared experiences, reminding you about your reasons for choosing and staying with each other. I encourage couples to ramp it up a notch by taking turns with the planning, each putting energy into the “work” of connection.

Sometimes surprise experiences can expand a sense of fun, and even ramp up friendly competition. Anticipating and later reminiscing about these events can actually build happy neural pathways in your brains!

Novelty and a shared sense of discovery by doing new things together also generates excitement and joy, which are important antidotes to the doldrums which often plague long term relationships.

Equally as important, build mini “pockets of connection” into your everyday life as a couple. Don’t overload date nights with too much expectation, especially if you can’t manage to have them regularly and frequently. Instead, look for small, subtle moments of sharing by being intentional about them:

If you’re getting dinner ready, create a shared experience with some conversation and a glass of wine while you prepare the meal.

If the kids are in bed sit on the deck or the porch and watch the stars come out together. Talk about your dreams and passions, not just who aced it at your kid’s soccer game.

If you’re watching a TV program sit next to each other and use the commercial breaks to have a snack and share your thoughts about the program.

“Kill two birds with one stone” and have some lively conversation while y ou walk your dog.

However brief your time together may be, protect it from outside intrusion. Get more comfortable saying “No, thank you” to invitations that might cut in on the two of you too often. Set boundaries and prioritize your time together, even if it’s not a Hallmark moment.

Whatever you do together, be intentional about it, be present, and put down your cellphones! Texts, Facebook, and Instagram can wait, unless they’re shared activities you both enjoy. Here again, remember that one way or the other, your kids are watching, and you’re giving them a template for either a loving, respectful partnership, or an empty one.

Vote for me in the Marriage and Relationship Blogs Awards!

Sat, 12 Jan 2019 19:51:00 GMT

I’ve been nominated once again to be recognized for this blog, this time by StartDating.Dk, a Danish online dating information service.

Marriage & Relationships Blogs Award .

MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE AWARDS:

Marriage & Relationships Blogs Award is set up as a voting competition meaning that their users decide which blogger will receive the largest prize.

The full amount of €300 will be divided between the bloggers according to the percentage of votes received.

This means that every vote counts, and that all bloggers will receive a part of the prize.

The voting ends on 16th of April 2019.

So, if you lik e my blog and want it to get more exposure to other people you feel might benefit from it, please vote for me by going to the above link!

Three Big Questions for Spouses with Kids

Tue, 08 Jan 2019 05:53:00 GMT

I was recently contacted by Parenting New Hampshire Magazine for my thoughts about three big questions they have about spouses with children. I thought they were really good questions parents should be reflecting about, so I sent the magazine some of my ideas about the subject. I don’t know if my “answers” will be used in the article, but I thought I’d share them with you, my readers.

Here’s the first question:

Why is it important for spouses/partners in their own relationship to “not always be about the kids”?

Most importantly, you as a couple came first, and unless you “fill your tanks” properly you won’t have

much of value to give to your children. Nourishing your partnership creates positive energy and “zest”

that then can radiate out into more constructive and loving interactions not only with each other, but also

with your children, especially when they are presenting aggravating or challenging attitudes and behaviors.

Also, by giving your marriage proper care and attention you will be providing not only a positive model

for self nurture and self valuing, but also an important frame for connective, collaborative partnership. Don’t be

fooled by what looks like self absorption in your kids – as busy as they may seem with their own lives,

they’re always watching you and unconsciously imitating your attitudes and behaviors!

One final thought about this question: In about 18 or so years your children will hopefully be “launched” and

out on their own. What of value as a couple will you have to share if you’ve created a totally “kid-centric”

life together? If you haven’t nourished your relationship sufficiently you will be less adept at communication,

managing conflict, taking turns, feeling close, and just plain having fun together!

Making Lots of Lemonade

Sun, 16 Dec 2018 04:46:00 GMT

I’ve been making lots of lemonade in the last few days. On Friday I had knee surgery to repair a torn meniscus, (which happened on the second day of a two week trip to Slovenia and Croatia – another lemonade story)! So here you see me trapped in an easy chair with the big, swollen knee, with only trips to the bathroom labelled as “walks.” The highlight of my day was watching our shared Lab, Tucker, chewing on a Kong on the blanket in front of me a few hours ago. Big doin’s!

So what do you do when you get a bunch of lemons? Make lemonade! – in my case, finding a way to reframe my entrapment into something meaningful, productive and hopefully fun. I spent a whole day tending to my “Google Business” site, beefing up my Psychology Today listing, at last funding my EasyPark USA account, watching the White House debacle of sociopaths and narcissists in action, cleaning out my email box, watching more criminals on TV, and reading my new “What Dogs Think” magazine. Not working out, not doing dishes, not Christmas shopping, not cooking or cleaning, not trimming garden beds, etc., etc. Just relaxing!

In psych lingo we’d call this very good “reframing.” Taking a less than stellar situation and “finding the silver lining”, “making lemonade out of lemons”, “looking through rose colored glasses,” to rattle off just a few metaphors for finding optimism and advantage in a negative situation. It’s an important skill all of us must hone to not let life make us crazy. In Buddhist ideology it would be related to the challenge of “letting go of expectation,” “acceptance,” and “cultivating stillness” as we strive to experience more peace of mind and presence in the moment. In Western thinking it would be about resilience and dealing more effectively with disappointments and mishaps, not becoming bitter and dark when life deals us difficult or aggravating blows.

So, whenever lemons have been dumped on you, find a way to make some really sweet lemonade, and you’ll get through it more peaceably with some learning and grace.

Now, back to all the criminals running the government……

Quieting the Noise in Your Head: BlogTalk Radio podcast Wed. 11/28/18 8:30 PM EST

Mon, 26 Nov 2018 18:32:00 GMT

“You’ll never finish that project!”

“You’re a loser!”

“You’re too fat and nobody will find you attractive!”

“You’re unlovable!”

“You’re mean and selfish!”

Chances are, at one point or another in time you’ve heard that noise in your head – the oppressive voices of self doubt and self denigration. You probably also have experienced the toxic impact this self talk can have, freezing you out of effective action, isolating you, exhausting or overwhelming you.

If you relate to this, then I’d recommend that you tune into my next half hour BlogTalk Radio podcast on Wednesday, November 28th at 8:30 PM EST at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

If you’d prefer you can call live into the studio with questions or comments at toll-free 877-497-9046 .

I’ll be discussing this topic, sharing key tools for quieting the noise in your head, such as naming The Voice and understanding the setup ingredients, among others. You don’t want to miss this podcast! It could help you lower anxiety, self doubt and your stress response!

*If you’d like some individual help with this issue outside the podcast, feel free to call my confidential voicemail at: 603-431-7131 to make an appointment.

Knowing You Can….

Sat, 10 Nov 2018 05:20:00 GMT

My husband Thom and I have developed a weird yearly ritual: As my beloved 2009 Ford Escape (“Pup”), gets older and more tired, we spend about a week each Fall researching new SUV’s. Last year we were obsessed with the Toyota Highlander, the year before that it was a Lexus, up until tonight it was a Subaru Forester, then a Honda CRV. We spend hours researching all the reviews, the specifications, and the best deals in a 150 mile radius. Then in preparation for the Big Event we either vac and sanitize Pup ourselves or have him professionally detailed, all spiffed up for the big trade before we head off the next day to a select group of dealerships.

THEN, I take another look at my now shiny, immaculate little Pup with his new brakes, exquisite sound system, zippy energy, handy trailer hitch, remote starter, cozy leather seats, giant moonroof, and perfectly engineered boxlike physique, and I cancel the dates to cheat on him with fancier, younger Dudes. I feel like an ungrateful cad, betraying Pup’s steadfast determination to get me around safely and comfortably with some modicum of style as well. And in his quiet, forgiving way he takes me back….

So what is this weird ritual all about?

After examining all the aspects of replacing Pup, including scrutinizing the cost of “new” vs. the cost risks of “very used,” and looking closely at the issues of “want” vs. “need,” it all comes down to prerogative: how a choice becomes more of a choice , when you know you can do something. When it’s not an act of desperation made under duress, or an act of vanity to preserve or protect your image or sense of self, or some indulgence which might put you over the edge in some way, then you become free to choose it or not. You’re released! You can say yes or no!

So, once again, I choose to stay with my less sexy, but loyal, cozy old Pup, savoring the memories we share, and looking forward to the journeys in store for us together.

Living in Connection

Mon, 29 Oct 2018 17:54:00 GMT

I recently returned from a whirlwind vacation in Slovenia and Croatia, where my husband Thom and I not only had a terrific adventure, but also where the experience of living in connection was palpable. In the above picture I was having one of our daily Cappuccino’s at a riverfront cafe in Ljubljana, the capital city of Slovenia. Not only are their coffees terrific there, but most special was being immersed in a culture which seems to embrace connection. People there routinely sit outside together, young and old, regardless of the weather, enjoying coffees, wine, sweets, meals and good old conversation all day and night! We hardly saw anyone on their cellphones, ignoring the humans in their midst the way we routinely do in the USA. We were struck by how friendly and happy the people there seemed, and not just the tourists who were enjoying a vacation. We returned to the States convinced in a new way that the experience of daily human connection and personal happiness are intertwined. So, when you’re not on vacation in a friendly spot what can you do in your daily life to promote connection?

Be intentional about engagement when you’re with other people. Maintain eye contact, listen, share, and most importantly, don’t confuse cellphone use with human socialization unless you’re sharing photos or anecdotes, and it’s not a solo, isolating activity.
Take time each day to find people and places where you can have some meaningful conversation – whether it’s at the cooler, at lunch on a walk, or after work at a restaurant. If you’re a stay- at- home Mom join a mother’s group or a gym where you can find connection.
Create small pockets of connection with your partner if you lack big expanses of time. Get away from an”all or nothing” frame. Share a glass of wine while cooking dinner, sit together and talk about the TV program you’re watching, share news about your day over dinner or walking the dog together. Plan your weekend and create something to look forward to.
Use technology to let the people you care about know you’re thinking about them, then make a date. Don’t use technology as a substitute for the real thing, creating pseudo intimacy. Reach out and do stuff with the people you value.
When you’ve experienced conflict in a relationship, (as you inevitably will in most normal relationships), don’t let it stew – instead, address it in whatever way the relationship will sustain, so it doesn’t become a barrier to connection. (The exception to this would be relationships which feel abusive, then boundaries are your best resource).
When you’re alone find moments of connection with strangers who feel safe to you – talk with the supermarket clerk, start a conversation with the person next to you at a bar or restaurant, compare dog stories with other dog walkers. Engage!

However you do it, be intentional and creative about maximizing the experience of connection in your life. You’ll be happier, for sure. PS. If you need help with this issue feel free to contact me at my Portsmouth, NH office at 603-431-7131 for an appointment.

Yay! I was a finalist in The Relationship Blogs Award 2018

Thu, 11 Oct 2018 03:02:00 GMT

Thanks for your votes of confidence and support! Now that summer has wound down and I’m back from vacation I’ll have more time and drive to continue writing blog posts! Stay tuned…..

Persistence – Some Signs Indicating Whether It’s Working For Or Against You

Tue, 18 Sep 2018 19:40:00 GMT

(Barley’s Persistence):

There in the water is Barley, our grand-dog whom we’ve been dog sitting for during the past week while our son and daughter-in-law were away at a wedding.

We adore Barley, who is very sweet and smart, and unbelievably persistent – possibly partly due to his being half Border Collie and half German Shepherd, both working dogs bred for their determination around completing tasks.

What you see above is a moment in time while Barley was in our favorite lake by our boat, swimming around and fetching the ball. What the shot doesn’t reveal is that he did this ALL DAY NONSTOP, even when we tried to coax him back into the boat. He was doing his thing, having a blast, enjoying the whole experience. Persistence generally works fine for him.

If you think of yourself as being persistent how would you know if it’s working for or against you? Persistence can be double edged – it can veer into obsessiveness, alienation and empty efforts creating undue frustration.

So, here are some signs to observe to help you determine how your persistence may be a positive or a negative around certain activities and attitudes:

Are you having fun in the process or is your blood pressure just getting elevated?
Have you issued some sort of disclaimer related to the time you need, or negotiated it with a partner, or are you isolating around your efforts in a way others may find rude or hurtful?
Are you experiencing some desired outcome for your efforts or would Barley think that you’re barking up the wrong tree?
Are you maintaining balance and attending to other things needing your attention or is your persistence canceling out other important things on your agenda?
Are you respectful of other’s time and energy or is the “bug in your bonnet” leading to excessive reminding, prompting or nagging to get others on board?

These are only a few signs which might be good indicators of how persistence is working for you. The main point is to be conscious and intentional about it.

It’s okay when you’re a dog to just “dive in” all day, but most of us don’t have that luxury!

Susan

PS. If you need some outside help with this or any other issue feel free to contact me to set up an appointment. I’d be glad to help!

Couplesctr@gmail.com | 603-431-7131

Relationship Blogs Award voting ends soon! Vote for me if you like my blog!

Tue, 18 Sep 2018 00:55:00 GMT

If you’ve found my blog useful and want it to get more exposure, then please vote for me! Click on the banner to get to the voting site:

Relationship Blogs Award 2018 – Like my blog? Then vote for me!

Thu, 13 Sep 2018 03:52:00 GMT

If you’ve enjoyed my blogposts and have found them useful or relevant to your relationships, then please vote for me in the 2018 Relationship Blogs Award contest. Voting closes soon! Thanks for your support!

Susan

Click here and vote:

https://www.buscarpareja.es/awards/relationship-blogs-award-2018/#award-nominees

30 Minute BTR Podcast 6/20 8:30 PM EST: “Are You Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Take the Test and Make Changes If Needed”

Wed, 20 Jun 2018 03:28:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio episode on Wednesday, June 20th at 8:30 PM EST:

“Are You Addicted to Your Cell Phone? Take the Test and Make Changes if Needed.”

(If you’re glued to your cell phone 24/7 then this episode is for you)!

Join me live with questions or comments by calling into the studio at 877-497-9046 Or stream the podcast at your convenience at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

I hope you can join me for this information-packed episode!

How to Raise Your Self Esteem

Mon, 11 Jun 2018 19:11:00 GMT

If more people in the world liked and valued themselves sufficiently I don't think we'd experience nearly as much hatred, violence and division. I think couples would be happier, relying less on the magical powers of each other to "fill the tanks." I think we'd all be more balanced and present, without the need for so much "mindfulness" training. I think we'd all get to the end of our lives with a greater sense of meaning and fulfillment, having loved ourselves and ultimately each other more fully.

So, if you landed in a family which didn't mirror you properly with wonder, acceptance and love, but instead either ignored, neglected or abused you, how do you develop self esteem? (Many people I've known think that if you weren't on the "right line" at the "right time" you're screwed)!

The contradicting good news is that self esteem is something that can be cultivated through practiced thought, action and attitude, rather than only possible through an ideal childhood. The wisest, most comprehensive article I've read about this issue was by Carthage Buckley, a performance coach and prolific writer whom I had the privilege of doing a podcast with last year about building a problem-solving mindset on my BlogTalk Radio show, The Couplespeak Relationship Forum. I've attached his article about raising self esteem through 7 exercises. Read it. Now. You'll be happy you did.

7 Simple exercises to raise your self-esteem

It’s All About The Ball!

Mon, 04 Jun 2018 20:30:00 GMT

When it comes to how we live our lives, ask any dog, especially Tucker above, and they’ll show you that we’ve got our priorities all wrong – sideways, so to speak.

Tucker is my morning pal, the next door neighbor’s dog, and my big, handsome blonde Teacher of All Things, Big and Small. We run around and walk the trails behind my house every morning, Tucker attached like cement to his green ball. When I’m tired or cranky he reminds me that “it’s all about The Ball, get over it!” When it’s buggy or muggy or rainy like today, we both get bitten and soggy, but the Ball Game has to go on! A little rainfall won’t kill anyone. So what if there are some inconveniences?

Tucker has taught me not to make such a big deal of piles of snow, the early hour after a late night, muddy boots and trampled garden beds. He reminds me of the importance of promises, some predictability, and mostly the importance of being present in connection and having FUN in life. He helps me see that Quickbooks and emails can wait, calls can be returned later, but for a guy with only about 5 more years to live, the time is NOW for The Ball!

If you don’t have a Tucker in your life like I do, trust me that you’ll live longer and happier if you listen to and practice his “words” of wisdom: It’s all about The Ball!

If you’re on your own and need help getting your priorities straight, feel free to contact me – I’d be glad to help!

Susan Lager

603-431-7131

Avoidance and Denial – Not the Best Problem-Solving Strategies!

Mon, 21 May 2018 00:10:00 GMT

So, here’s a pretty gruesome picture of my poor thumb almost severed. Before you vomit or faint, please read on, so you can avoid creating a similar mess. (This is less of a story about blood and pain and more about how it happened).

My husband and I live in a lovely 40 year old home which has needed some window work for about the last 15 years. The windows are beautiful, all wooden framed and large, but all are what’s called “guillotine” windows. Guillotines used to be used for chopping off people’s heads, mostly during the French Revolution. When you’re referring to a window that way it unfortunately functions in the same manner – if you don’t hold onto the top window while opening the bottom one, whatever is underneath gets chopped off, in this case almost my whole thumb, as per the nasty picture above. Fortunately, I got to the ER in time for the docs to sew the laceration back together, and now, three weeks later it’s all in one piece again.

The moral of this little story, however, is that my husband and I used avoidance and denial about the window problem for many years rather than doing our research and finding out if, in fact, they all needed to be replaced (to the tune of about $30,000.) or if we could have them repaired (cost: $3000. and one intact thumb). We just pretended the problem wasn’t really one, as we routinely positioned blocks of wood to keep windows open, or hammered top windows shut. It felt like one of those totally un-fun expenses, like getting a new septic tank or a new well, so we avoided it. The irony is that I pulled this little stunt at the beginning of the evening of my husband’s birthday, so we “celebrated” him in the ER this year.

If you too have any issues which you’ve been coping with through avoidance and denial, it might be time to ask yourself what the ultimate price may be for your “problem solving” strategy. How might you be victimizing yourself in the long run? Who else might be negatively effected if you keep pretending the problem isn’t really such a big deal? Might you be making a mountain out of a mole hill the way we did? Do you too have any body parts which might ultimately be compromised if you keep putting things off?

Think about it, and figure out some real solution to the problem…

Humbly,

Susan

Don’t miss my next 20 minute BlogTalk Radio podcast Wed. 4/18/18 8:30 PM EST: “What’s in Your Personal Minefield?”

Mon, 16 Apr 2018 23:35:00 GMT

If you’re like most people, chances are that you’ve had your share of triggering events, where you suddenly experience intense feelings which seem to come out of nowhere. You may or may not understand what stimulated your reaction, but probably have just had one of the “mines” in your personal “minefield” detonated!

In this twenty minute episode I reveal the issues around our “minefields” – areas of vulnerability created by past experiences and relationships. The podcast will help you learn to identify the nature of your “mines,” how to manage yourself more effectively around them, and how to best bring your spouse or partner into the loop of empathy and responsiveness around those triggers.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to hear the podcast live and be able to join in with questions or comments. Or, you can stream the episode live from BlogTalk Radio.

If you can’t make the live episode you can listen to the recording anytime afterward at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLage r or go to my website www.SusanLager.com and listen from the Webplayer at the bottom of the home page. One way or the other, you won’t want to miss this vital podcast!

5 Tools for Building Positive Traction in Marriage

Mon, 26 Mar 2018 02:16:00 GMT

In my profession as a psychotherapist specializing in couples work I have often encountered client complaints about positive gains they had achieved, but no traction around them in the past.

It reminds me of the old cynical joke the “regulars” at the gym would make about the Newbies who joined every January: that come March, these crowds would be gone, and we’d have the place to ourselves again. Sadly, it was always true – all the positive intentions and energy the January crowd brought didn’t last more than a month or two. They weren’t able to build traction in their exercise endeavors. And, whether you’re talking about sustained change in your exercise habits or sustained change in your marriage, the requirements are very similar.

If, as an example, you and your spouse would like to communicate more effectively, (the most common goal I encounter in my work with couples), you’ll need to use these five tools:

To make sure you’re moving steadily in the right direction it will require that you use a “map” of sorts. Where would you like to go? What is your destination? Be clear about what “getting there” looks like. Will there be more attentive listening? Will there be more clarity about wants and needs or more focus in your conversations? Establish clearly understood and definable goals.
Be clear about what you’ll each need to stay with the journey. Reassurance from each other? Some type of break or pleasurable time out from the work? Positive feedback about the emergence of better conversations? In other words, what will you each need in the way of “supplies” to maintain your efforts?
Establish markers of progress. What “sign posts” will you see on your “map” that will tell you you’re either moving in the right direction or going off course? Will you be spending more time together? Will you be sharing more confidences? Will more problems be solved? Will you feel calmer / happier together?
Reward yourselves with acknowledgment about the meaning of the gains you’ve made. What has made your efforts worth it? Do you feel closer? Do you feel more committed to your marriage? If you have kids, are they calmer or happier around the two of you? Establish clear motivations to maintain the gains made.
Celebrate your success as you reach your “destination.” If, as an example, your conversations are flowing more freely with less defensiveness, celebrate your positive gains with something meaningful to both of you – go away for a special weekend, get a new “toy”, like new skis, or an upgraded TV, or even a special book you’ve wanted to read together. Celebrate your success with some material or quality time indulgence that punctuates your efforts and achievements.

Use these five tools to achieve traction around any gains you’ve made individually and together, so you don’t become like another “March dropout” at the gym!

Don’t miss my next podcast on Wednesday, 2/28/18 at 8:30 PM EST: “Facing Divorce? How a Divorce Coach Could Make All the Difference!”

Tue, 27 Feb 2018 00:02:00 GMT

In this 45 minute podcast I’ll meet with Lisa McNally, a mother of three who has 20+ years of experience working with divorcing individuals, couples and families in all aspects of family law matters including divorce, separation, child custody, co-parenting and parental rights.

Lisa is also a co-author of the Amazon best selling book Divorce: Taking the High Road: Simple Strategies for Creating a Healthy Divorce

As a Divorce Coach, Lisa supports and guides individuals experiencing divorce one-on-one, helping them navigate the often lengthy, stressful and convoluted process in a dignified way. Her clients benefit by having her by their side to help them make the best possible decisions for themselves and their children based on their unique interests, needs, concerns, and goals.

Tune into the podcast and learn:

What Divorce Coaching is

How it works

The benefits to clients (support, guidance, cost savings, better outcomes, etc.)

The benefits to attorneys

How To Pursue it

Don’t miss this vital podcast! You can call in live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST or listen to the recording at your convenience at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

One way or another, I hope you can tune in!

Best,

Susan

PS. If you’re on the fence about staying married and need help to make a confident decision about a direction for your marriage, you may be a candidate for Discernment Counseling . It’s a form of brief treatment designed for couples on the brink. I am the only clinician in New Hampshire certified to do this delicate work, and would be glad to discuss the possibility of setting up an initial appointment with you. Call my office voicemail at 603-431-7131 or email me at: couplesctr@gmail.com

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 03:42:00 GMT

It may be a commercial holiday, but why not go with the spirit of it to tell the people you love that you love them? Don’t just feel it, but say it and show it!

Wanna Be Happier? Get or Borrow a Dog!

Sun, 11 Feb 2018 19:43:00 GMT

Look at this face!

This is Tucker, my morning cup of joy. Every day at 9 AM he arrives at my breezeway door, sent by my next door neighbor, ball in mouth, ready for action. (Some days I wonder why I’m voluntarily getting out of a warm bed an hour early and heading into the “arctic” outdoors with this rambunctious canine)!

We traipse around our land playing Fetch or Tug of War for awhile, then we head onto the adjoining trails leading to either the bog or the nature path which goes through miles of farmland and woods. Tucker runs ahead, then waits at every turn for me to show up and cheer him on. When he’s naughty he drops the ball and eats deer droppings or grabs onto giant five foot logs which he swings around, intending to haul back home. Once in awhile he obeys when I tell him to drop either the poop or the log. I’m persistent, so he’s minding me more often lately. It’s a work in progress…

For about four months here in Maine, any doubt I may have felt earlier in the morning about the effort to get up and out disappears completely once we’re immersed in this winter wonderland. After the walk I take Tucker downstairs into my gym where he works at the peanut butter inside his Kong while I’m working out. When he’s done he thanks me profusely with sloppy kisses, and I remind him how much I adore him. I then take him home next door, and return to the rest of my day feeling loved, useful, grateful, and filled with joy.

This is my happy place, communing with nature and a big, sweet, loving creature who enjoys the experience as much as I do. It’s a morning ritual which sets the tone for good energy and connection with clients, family and friends. I start each day “in the moment” with intention and gratitude.

So, if you have a dog and can’t roam the woods like I do in the morning, you can still make their walk a ritual of immersion in nature and love by just being present. If you don’t have a dog, borrow one as I do, so you can also borrow their capacity for spontaneity and pleasure. Chances are, your friend or neighbor who loans him to you will appreciate the help, and you and the dog will benefit immensely from your special time together. Any affectionate touch will ramp up the happy bonding hormone Oxytocin in both of you. You’ll begin the day with great self care and a full heart, and you’ll be readier for whatever comes your way!

Cheers,

Susan

*PS. If you need help with the whole issue of self care and practices which promote positivity and joy, feel free to call me at 603-431-7131 to set up an appointment. I’d be glad to help!

Emotional Contagion – what are you spreading or catching?

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 19:49:00 GMT

I live in New England where right now in the middle of the winter of 2018 there seems to be a massive Flu epidemic. It’s cited as being the worst in history, with people unwittingly passing it on to others who then do the same. It’s a classic case of physiologic contagion. We’re all advised about washing out hands, not sharing towels or utensils, and staying home if we have symptoms to avoid unnecessary spread of the illness which can be fatal.

But what about other forms of contagion? Who notices them and gives us tools to avoid spreading the unsavory?

Contagion in relationships is much like the Flu – if you get too close and aren’t mindful, you’ll catch, in this case, the emotional state of someone you may feel sympathy towards.

If your spouse is depressed and lolling around, if you aren’t proactive you may end up “mirroring” them with similar body language and affect. We all seek people who will mirror us accurately as a form of bonding and connection, but when a loved one is very down or anxious, you want to be careful to not take on their attitude, but instead to feel compassion, and try to provide support. It’s a fine line of difference.

If a friend is feeling hopeless about a relationship or job, you can listen and acknowledge their pain, maybe even ask if they’d like some suggestions or a reality check around their experience. But that’s different from hanging around with them and getting into long, shared experiences about how partners or jobs are unreliable, and tapping into your own negative beliefs about these things. Then the feeling and attitude has been contagious. You’ve “caught” it.

If when you empathize with a loved one by connecting with similar experiences you’ll need to also connect with any lessons you learned or things you gained from the experience, so you don’t “catch” the “hopeless bug”. You’ll need to remind yourself of anything you may have done to get past the experience to something brighter.

It may be useful to remind your loved one of their resources and resilience they’ve demonstrated in the past around these kinds of issues. You can become a subtle cheerleader for their strengths, without sounding too chirpy.

It will also be helpful to limit time spent with someone in a very dark state. You cannot help them if their narrative becomes your own, so make sure you engage in activities before or afterward which remind you of good possibilities in life. You will be a sunnier presence for them as well if you practice this.

You can then make hope the contagious feeling instead!

Wednesday 1/17/18 8:30 PM EST BlogTalk Radio Episode: “How Good a Partner are You? Take the Test”

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 22:21:00 GMT

In this half hour episode I explore the issues involved with being either a clueless spouse / partner, or one who has healthy, loving partnership skills. This episode taps into emotional intelligence, how highly you would rate yourself when examining your attitudes, knowledge and practices in your primary relationship, and identifying areas where you may need to improve to avoid misery, and to create more satisfaction for you and your partner / spouse. Tune in and take the 20 question test to get a better read on how the experts might score you, also to get a better sense of where you might be headed for avoidable trouble!

To join the conversation live with questions or comments call toll-free 877-497-9046 . If you can’t make the live show you can hear the recording anytime afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

However you tune in, you won’t want to miss this episode! You’ll learn about relationship skills and practices essential to happiness and trust!

Giving Yourself Permission in 2018

Sun, 07 Jan 2018 21:05:00 GMT

Most of us are familiar with the “January Effect” – people armed with New Year’s resolutions to live cleaner: workout regularly, be more organized, eat more healthfully and lose weight, drink less, be more productive and waste less time, etc., etc.

Years ago when I belonged to Gold’s Gym we “regulars” would see swarms of well-intentioned people in January jamming up the machines, crowding the classes, full of optimism, only to almost entirely clear out by late February or March. The self-righteous eye rolls or chuckles among the “regulars” would be palpable. After observing it yearly I ultimately decided that this phenomenon might not be so much about laziness, lack of commitment or disorganization, but maybe more about a lack of permission – a lack of giving oneself permission to honor the need for down time, rest, hanging out, or sometimes people’s lack of permission to look at themselves with honesty about what’s really important to them. Had the resolutions to work out rigorously four times a week taken into account what was realistic in the context of people’s sleep habits, infrastructure to take that personal time, need for solitude or need for rest? Often not – coming to the gym frequently sounded good on paper, but had these people given themselves permission to look realistically at all these other factors that could undermine them? I think not.

I met with several couples in my practice after the holidays who talked with surprise and delight about having had a wonderful time with each other and with their kids during the holidays – for some, the first time in years! It wasn’t because they packed more activities in or were “good.” They didn’t go to every festival or capitalize on every possible day to ski or ice skate. They didn’t go to every party. They didn’t jump start their New Year’s resolutions. Instead they gave themselves permission to do less , to relax more, sleep more, hang out more, go offline, and not compete with their friends or neighbors to be the most social, or have the best holiday decorations, or the most elaborate rituals. They had given themselves permission to be honest with themselves about how much was enough, and how much might be too much. They tuned into themselves and their children rather than the hype around them, and it made all the difference in the world.

So, if as you read this you feel some apprehension about becoming a sloth if you practice tuning into your needs for rest and relaxation, take a deep breath and just try it for awhile. You may very well discover that when you legitimize downtime you won’t ultimately be less productive or social or happy. You may just discover a quieter, “slower” aspect of yourself, creating more peace of mind. You may even get to the gym with sufficient regularity after January!

How to Avoid Self-Sabotage This Holiday Season

Sat, 16 Dec 2017 23:12:00 GMT

How to Avoid Self Sabotage This Holiday Season

I was recently contacted by a fitness coach named Travis White who asked me to post this article on my site. I’m forwarding it to you because I think he gets to a lot of the important issues and behaviors around holiday health habits. See what you think.

You can find Travis at: Travis@LearnFit.org

Happy Holidays!

Susan

We often joke about overindulging during the holidays – setting back the scale 10 pounds and wearing pants with an elastic waist. Psychology Today describes self-sabotage as behavior that “results from a misguided attempt to rescue ourselves from our own negative feelings.” However, with understanding and good planning, the holidays can be an opportunity for self-care, health and happiness.

We hope these insights will help you set yourself up for success instead of sabotage this holiday season.

Procrastinating

Do you bog yourself down with pointless, extraneous activities, creating delays instead of reaching a goal? For people who do this, there is self-harm in the actions which exist in the space between deciding to do something and actually doing it. Another version of procrastinating is to choose a “wait and see” attitude. Some professionals recommend asking yourself what it is you are waiting for, and why? Are you allowing others’ actions to determine whether you reach your goal, and why?

Unhealthy coping skills

Everyone can fall into the trap of choosing a coping mechanism that actually puts obstacles in their way. Examples are things like self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, overspending when you are tight on money, or “comfort eating,” especially if you are overweight.

Blocking your own path

Do you find yourself suddenly clumsier than usual? Are you oversleeping when normally you rise with the sun? Does your normally impeccable filter allow something inappropriate to slip out of your mouth and into the wrong ears? Such behaviors can be evidence of self-sabotage. As Huffington Post explains, “Because we like to think that we are completely in control of ourselves and are consciously making decisions, often it’s hard to recognize that these behaviors are driven by our unconscious mind.”

Healthy choices

If you see yourself in any of those descriptions, here are some tips to set yourself up for success and avoiding self-sabotage:

Take a moment. Take time for mindful meditation. Slow down, savor the moment, breathe deeply, and be fully aware of your state of being.
Journal. Writing about what you are experiencing can produce tremendous insights. It also offers you an opportunity to look back through your notes to discover patterns. Do you struggle at the same time every year? Is there a trigger you can identify?
Volunteer. The holiday season offers plenty of opportunities to do something for others, and it’ll boost your mood.
Exercise. Many of us fall short on maintaining a workout routine throughout the year, and this is especially true during the holidays. This year can be different!
Move. Don’t sit for extended periods of time. Make a mental note to get up every half hour to hour, even if only for five minutes. Commercial breaks during football games or your favorite holiday movies are a great opportunity to do a few squats or stroll around the house.
Plan. US News and World Report notes that starting every day with a plan can help you stay on track. Have an agenda in place for what you will eat and when you will exercise; even if you deviate, you will probably do better than without a set goal.
Be flexible. If you go into the holidays with an all-or-nothing mindset, the first bump you hit can derail you. Instead, remain flexible and be creative in meeting your goals. Maybe the whole family can take a brisk walk through the neighborhood before the trip to Grandma’s, or open the new year by throwing a ball around the yard. Take opportunities for time together and fun!
Convenience is key. Don’t make being healthy an added stress. Instead, consider the convenience and low-cost of setting up a home gym . A few well-chosen pieces of equipment can put you on the path to fitness.

Success, not sabotage

Do some soul searching to discover how you might be inhibiting your own self-care. If you realize you are setting yourself up for sabotage, take steps toward success by making healthier choices.

BlogTalk Radio Podcast Wed., 12/13/17 8:30 PM EST: “5 Ways to Build Couple Connection During the Holidays”

Wed, 13 Dec 2017 02:50:00 GMT

In this 20 minute episode I’ll share some connection tools from my many years of working with couples. In this brief podcast you’ll get ideas for how you can, with minimal time and energy, amidst what is often a whirlwind of busyness, build in a fun sense of “we-ness” with your spouse or partner.

Join in live at 8:30 PM EST with your questions, comments, or your own ideas at 877-497-9046 . If you can’t make the live podcast you can hear the recording anytime afterward at: www.BlogTalkRado.com/SusanLager .

I hope that one way or another you can join me!

The Key to Being Happy

Mon, 04 Dec 2017 17:48:00 GMT

I just received this post from my esteemed colleague, Carthage Buckley, a wise and passionate

coach from Ireland I had the pleasure of doing a BlogTalk Radio episode with earlier this year.

I thought this post was so relevant and perfectly worded that I decided to share it with all of you.

For anyone wanting more of Carthage’s down-to-earth, practical advise go to:

CoachingPositivePerformance.com . He’s a prolific writer who deals with all sorts of subjects

relating to maximizing one’s personal best. Read this and check him out!

Listen to yourself and you’ll always be happy

Coaching requires the coach to spend a great deal of time listening the client. When appropriate, the coach will interject with a question. There are a number of reasons why the coach may choose to ask a particular question but quite often the question is saying one thing to the client – listen to yourself. It is important that the client does not just listen to the words they speak, but also to the way in which they say it and the feelings they experience when they say it. This is listening at a much deeper level than most people are used to. When you listen to yourself, you live your values and pursue your dreams. This is one of the most effective strategies for reducing stress and increasing personal happiness.

One day, a heart-warming message was posted on my Facebook page. My Australian friend, Marshall, had posted to tell me that he was enjoying his holiday in North America – the post was made from Vancouver. He wrote to thank me for encouraging him to take the plunge and follow his lifelong dream of visiting North America. It was clear from his message that Marshall was having the time of his life. I had previously spent a year in Australia, working with Marshall. During that time, he had told me many times of his desire to travel. I had offered lots of advice throughout the year but it could all be summed up with one phrase – listen to yourself.

While it is always nice to receive appreciation; I am afraid Marshall’s appreciation is largely unwarranted. For it was not me who inspired him, it was his own dreams. Marshall and I had often talked with our friends about travelling and about our experiences. Marshall was always keen to encourage us to fulfil our dreams. As the year moved on, I noticed a slight change in him. He began to talk more about the places he wanted to see and the things he wanted to do. It became clear to me that he had begun to listen to the advice that he was offering to others.

Marshall’s message reminded me of how I came to be in Australia in the first place. I had been working in Ireland when a colleague asked me for advice. He told me that his girlfriend had bought him a holiday to Egypt for his birthday. It was the one place that he had always wanted to go to. His concern was that he would have to give up his job – it was a summer job. We talked for a short while and he realised that he had to take the opportunity to go to Egypt. He thanked me for the advice and immediately handed in his notice. As he thanked me, my inner voice was screaming listen to yourself. I had always wanted to go to New Zealand and Australia. I decided there and then that I needed to follow my own advice. 4 months later I had saved €4,000, acquired the necessary visas and was boarding a plane at Dublin airport. I was about to enjoy the best 2 years of my life.

When you listen to yourself it is easier to discover your purpose and live your values .

We all like to offer advice to our friends but sometimes, when we are offering that advice from the depths of our heart, we are not just speaking to our friends, we are also speaking to ourselves. So, take the time to listen to yourself; it may be the wisest advice you ever receive.

“Cheap Forgiveness” Podcast Wednesday, 11/8/17 8:30 PM EST

Tue, 07 Nov 2017 16:38:00 GMT

In this 15 minute episode I’ll share my insights and experiences with the issue of cheap forgiveness – what it is, and how and when it may be adaptive as the best possible “solution” to emotional injury, vs. what the costs may be to the person bestowing it and to the relationship. I’ll give a mini “life lesson” on the larger issue of forgiveness and what the options may be when an offender isn’t repentant or available to a process of true repair around an emotional injury.

To join the episode live call 877-497-9046 to come on the air with your questions, comments or story. If you can’t make the live podcast you can listen to the recording afterward anytime at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

However you tune in, don’t miss this important episode!

Boston Voyager Magazine Article Featured Me!

Mon, 06 Nov 2017 22:40:00 GMT

I was recently interviewed by Boston Voyager magazine to be featured in their “Inspiring Stories” section about local business people doing interesting work. Well, they just published the article!

In it I tell my story, talk about my private practice, areas of expertise and uniqueness, and share some challenges I’ve had to overcome in the process. I’m very proud to be a featured subject in such an interesting magazine which gives information about all the goings on in the greater Boston area. Read the attached article and see what you think!

Meet Susan Lager of The Couples Center in Portsmouth

I’ve Been Certified in Discernment Counseling!

Sat, 04 Nov 2017 14:59:00 GMT

It’s been a long haul getting here – months and months of training, lots of cases, loads of reading, and plenty of constructive feedback from the experts at The Doherty Relationship Institute, but now I am officially certified as a Discernment Counselor! (And, as far as I know, I’m also the only clinician in New Hampshire trained to do this delicate, important work).

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this type of treatment Discernment Counseling is a form of brief treatment specially designed for couples on the brink of divorce. These couples come into the work with “mixed agendas” – one spouse more hopeful about staying married, ready to do the work of repair, and the other spouse “leaning out,” not very hopeful, often feeling a high degree of ambivalence about moving forward together, and frequently feeling out of energy for “trying” anymore.

Discernment Counseling is a brief intervention for these couples, (one to five sessions only), with the goal of helping these spouses make a clear, confident decision about a direction for the relationship – either stay in the marriage as it is, move toward a divorce, or do the work of reconciliation and repair for a period of up to six months to get a sense of possibilities for the marriage. Couples who participate in this process avoid the financial and time waste of engaging in a half-hearted couples therapy, which often happens when one spouse hasn’t yet decided if they “want to try.”

So, if you feel that this form of treatment may be suitable for you, go to the Discernment Counseling page of my website, http://susanlager.com/discernment-counseling/ ‎, check it out, and call me at 603-431-7131 if you’d like to schedule a session.

Becoming a Grandparent

Sat, 28 Oct 2017 21:00:00 GMT

Most people (in America), groan a lot about getting older – the aches and pains, loss of beauty, loss of expectable good health, loss of friends and family, loss of job options, loss, loss, loss…. For sure, it’s a humbling experience, hopefully with much gained wisdom and peaceful acceptance of life and it’s curveballs.

But, there’s one consolation prize for many people – grandchildren! For a long time I’ve heard about what a joy they are, and what a sweet experience grand parenting can be. Having had our son at age 38 I figured my husband and I would be in our late 70’s or 80′ by the time our kid decided to take the plunge and have a kid of his own. We figured we might not even be in our full wits by then, so if we became grandparents we wouldn’t even know it! But, instead our son and daughter-in-law just had their first child while we’re still lucid and ambulating, so what a treat!

Meet Anna, now five weeks old, ruler of the universe, tiny love of everyone’s life, opener of all possibilities and unforeseen bonus of aging! And yes, they were all right – grand parenting is pretty sweet…

Getting Away

Wed, 18 Oct 2017 19:22:00 GMT

My husband and I recently went to beautiful Portugal for a long awaited vacation. We rented a car, and drove all around the country, excluding the far northern Douro region, so we’d have sufficient time to really see places. I can’t say enough about what this does, not only for one’s joy and learning levels, but also for a marriage.

Getting away from your everyday routines and responsibilities allows you to reset an appreciation level, not only for other people and places, but also for each other. A self-guided road trip is especially useful in ramping up teamwork and trust. In our case, I was the Navigator, and my husband Thom was the Fearless Driver, negotiating hairpin turns on sky-high mountain roads, and well marked highways with signs somehow not illuminated at night! I guided us through ancient towns with tiny cobblestoned streets barely big enough to fit a car, (let alone two!), while Thom plowed forward in our tiny Citroen.

We sampled wines, cheeses, and exotic fish dishes we’d never experienced before. We had to be a well oiled machine, hauling our overloaded suitcases up dark staircases in remote Air B&B’s. We walked through orchards and vineyards, went to dinner in medieval towns late at night, and toured ancient castles and cities on foot for hours and hours, (something I’d usually love, but an act of generosity by Thom, who’s not so crazy about walking all day and night). Together, we had to communicate with the Portuguese, many of whom don’t speak other languages clearly. We had to negotiate where to go, and what to forego, given our time constraints.

We returned home with a much greater appreciation for the sensual European way of life, but also thankful for American conveniences, and vastly more thankful for each other!

If you haven’t gotten away in awhile together, either to an exotic place like Portugal for a vacation, or to somewhere in your home state for a weekend, I’d recommend that you begin doing it again whenever you can. Your marriage will thank you for it!

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade! – Or Apple Crisp……

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 23:36:00 GMT

(Well, the lying-down position of this image you may be getting tells it all). Sometimes, despite your best efforts and highest expectations things just don’t turn out the way you’d hoped they would. In this case, I (once again), unwittingly took the shot sideways in the middle of aiming, and couldn’t get it to stand up straight afterward on my computer. It came out right side up for my husband on his laptop. Who knows what you’ll get…

(Am I the only one using an iPhone who does this with some frequency, or are there other directionally impaired picture-takers out there)???

The real subject of this post ironically, had to do with the the non-fit between the weather and the activity. Every Autumn I look so forward to cozy rituals with family and friends, like apple picking amidst the crisp air and gorgeous New England foliage. I DON’T look forward to roaming the orchards in humid 74 degrees with almost no foliage display in mid October. (Nor did my husband, wearing his lovely new flannel shirt!)

But here’s the point: Expectation, as per Buddhist teaching, can really set us up for problems. You want a rose, but get a marigold, then feel dejected, as though it wasn’t still a lovely flower! You want the whole New England leaf-peeping experience, then feel cheated when the temperature and foliage is more like an August day. Yet, you still get the apples and a day in the country with your loved one(s). So, I recommend that you learn to go with the flow, whether it’s a sideways photo or an apple picking event, take it for what it’s worth, have a good laugh, and enjoy being alive! (As my sister Marge says, “It’s certainly better than the alternative.”)………..

Don’t miss my next BlogTalk Radio show Wed. 8/24 8:00 PM: “3 Key Signs of Unfairness in Relationships and How to Fix Them”

Thu, 24 Aug 2017 01:55:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode on Thursday, August 24th at 8:00 PM EST. It will be 20 minutes of discussion about the signs of unfairness in relationships, and how to remedy the situation.

Tune in live at 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with your questions or comments.

Don’t miss this 20 minute information-packed episode, especially if you’ve been accused of behaving unfairly, or if you’re on the receiving end of unfair treatment and don’t know how to handle it.

If you can’t make the live episode you can hear the recording at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

I’ve Reached a Milestone! Feedspot Top 100 Marriage Counseling Blogs! Yay!!!!

Thu, 10 Aug 2017 02:32:00 GMT

If you look carefully at this badge you’ll see that Feedspot has named my blog as one of the top 100 Marriage Counseling blogs on the internet! This is a big deal, as I seem to be in the company of some real big shots like John Gottman and Sue Johnson, world famous therapists and authors of several best selling books. Little ole me! (Here’s the list link, in case you think I’m pulling your leg): http://blog.feedspot.com/marriage_counseling_blogs/

This is an example of how when passion and determination intersect, you can accomplish things you never would have believed you could. In my case I started out not even knowing how to turn on a computer about ten years ago – really! But I was determined to share some things that I did know in an effort to market my business, and empower others through psychological information I’ve acquired about relationships.

In the process I discovered that I absolutely love to write, even though the writing may not always come out so smoothly. I also discovered that the technological functions needed to maneuver around a blog and website aren’t all rocket science! I taught myself how to upload and download, insert links and widgets, adjust different design elements, and even in some cases how to manage HTML code!

I must admit that some of my biggest meltdowns have been internet related, especially when I didn’t have a clue about what the problem was or how to fix it. A few years ago in the midst of writing a compelling blogpost I accidentally spilled a fresh white wine spritzer onto my laptop, and bang! Blogpost vaporized and no more laptop! So, it’s been a bit of a rocky road getting to this point, but there’s no stopping me now – I have so much I’ve learned over many years of working with individuals and couples, such great information I’ve accumulated through trainings and mentors, fantastic things I’ve learned from books and podcasts, and some real bits of wisdom I’ve picked up from other blogs. (Not to mention some vital life experiences of my own)…

So, whether your passion is writing, styling hair, building bridges, or breeding dogs, honor it with time, teachers and patience, and you’ll be giving yourself and others a precious gift.

Cheers,

Susan

PS. Another admission: I still haven’t figured out how to find the time to respond to the thousands of comments I get on my posts. Readers are so courteous, smart, helpful and supportive, and I hate the idea of using automated responses. It seems cold and rude. Time continues to be the enemy, as I also love my full time job as a psychotherapist, and am not about to give that up until they drag me away in a cart. So, if you’ve left an unanswered comment, please forgive me, but know how much your feedback means to me!

Slow

Mon, 24 Jul 2017 22:12:00 GMT

I do almost everything FAST. I walk fast. I eat fast. I talk fast. I think fast. Regrettably, I drive fast. When I moved to Maine from New York City I felt like I’d landed on the “Slow Planet.” Drivers on local roads coming from opposite directions would wind down from a frenetic 20 miles an hour to a dead stop, and have a conversation with each other while everyone behind them would wait patiently, never beeping their horns. (?) Cashiers at checkout counters would wrap every purchased item as though it was made of 14 karat gold, then fish around for the right bag, all while shooting the breeze with me. People on elevators would wait courteously while others filed out first – all in slow motion .

Where I came from in New York I was typical – everyone rushing around everywhere as though North Korea had finally launched an ICBM with a big warhead on it headed toward NYC. With millions of people around, it always felt normal and necessary to be quick on the draw! So the transition to the “Slow Planet” has been a challenge. Not only that, but in my line of work as a psychotherapist slow is often needed to be attuned. Clients don’t want to feel they’re playing “Beat the Clock” in their precious time with me, so I’ve had to be mindful of pace and intensity there as well.

The good news is that I’ve found an anti-zoom antidote to “Fast” through kayaking, which I’d highly recommend to everyone. Even though my kayak is capable of moving very quickly and efficiently through water it feels like an oxymoron to be doing “fast” there. What’s the rush? There’s no email or texts calling, as service if often nil, no laundry, no dishes, no blogposts, no bills, no nothing except the beauty of the water, the mysteries under the surface, the cottages on the shore, the breeze, and the lapping, rhythmic sound of my paddle pushing me gently forward. Unless you’re an olympic contender for “speed kayaking,” (don’t think that actually exists….), there’s no point in being fast when you’re in that realm. Calm reigns and stress is quieted. Reflection and being present in the moment is natural. I’m finally home , and you will be too, where “Slow” is the gift……

“5 Communication Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them” podcast 7/19/17 8:30 PM EST

Tue, 18 Jul 2017 02:42:00 GMT

In this 20 to 30 minute episode I’ll share my experiences as a psychotherapist witnessing common communication blunders clients often make. Whether you’re trying to communicate with a spouse, partner, friend or family member there are predictable and avoidable pitfalls you need to know about! You’ll learn about simple techniques to avoid these communication problems, be clearer about your message, and be heard and understood in a way which greatly improves relationships. Using my popular book “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” as a guide, I will empower listeners to communicate with almost anyone more effectively about anything.

Call 877-497-9046 to join the live conversation with questions or comments. If you can’t make the live episode tune into www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to listen to the recording anytime afterward.

Planning Quality Time Together

Wed, 12 Jul 2017 17:46:00 GMT

I work with several couples who love each other and want their relationships to thrive and grow, but they don’t put much effort into planning quality time together. “Busyness” has become a major rationale for many couples, as they balance the multiple roles of employee or business owner, parent, friend, relative, self-care, and partner.

I find myself telling couples with some frequency that wanted time together won’t just happen on its own when you have a lot on your plate. Wishing for it isn’t enough – you need to be more intentional about making it happen by putting it near the top of your priority list and individually and together planning .

If you’re a bit wary about whether your ideas for meaningful, fun time together will be a hit with your partner then ask them about the kinds of activities indoors and outdoors they’d enjoy. You can each make a list, put the ideas in a jar, and pick from each other’s jars, taking turns. (My “Jar Exercise” I refer to in one of my free articles you can receive by signing up). Don’t allow quality time together to become a one-person job. It’s best to share the labor of connection. You’ll also get more “bang for your buck” by introducing novel places and activities. Neuroscience points out the benefit of novelty to the bonding experience between couples, so try to avoid doing the same old thing every time you’re together. Try to balance tried and true rituals you both enjoy with new experiences and places. You’ll be enriching your relationship in a major way. You’ll be avoiding the big pit of “busyness” and disconnection in your relationship, and you’ll feel better about being proactive about this issue.

Start now!

The Power of “Learned Helplessness.” How to Spot it and What to Do

Sat, 08 Jul 2017 21:37:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Do you have a friend or relative who consistently screws up, forgets things, fails to follow through, or in one way or the other doesn’t take care of their own “life business”? If so, you may be in the presence of “learned helplessness.”

Unless these people are clinically depressed or physiologically compromised, this state often has more to do with someone operating at a “youngest sibling” level, expecting that others know more, are more capable, and can assume responsibility for things. They have usually developed unconscious life “scripts” about being inept, or ignorant or incapable, often not challenging these deeply held beliefs. As a result, they lack a sense of “agency,” the courage to try new solutions, and the ability or willingness to try to act effectively on their own behalf.

Your friend or relative may make lame decisions or procrastinate endlessly, and is likely to create a need on your part to take over and rescue them. If you feel that you’re watching someone who operates like a train wreck in slow motion, and that you can’t seem to help yourself from taking over to fix things, then you may be a target of their “learned helplessness”! People who demonstrate this are usually experts at training the people around them to go into overdrive “rescue” mode. They often don’t directly ask for help, but seem to be so helpless that the people around them feel they have to take over.

And don’t be fooled – their “helplessness” is generally very powerful! They get you to take over, pay for things, organize things, make appointments, ask the right questions, and generally fix whatever problems they are faced with.

So, if you’ve been feeling exhausted in a relationship which plays out with this “parent – child” dynamic, and feel that there’s a lack of reciprocity, or that you’re pouring lots of effort down a bottomless pit, watch out! You may be feeding someone’s “learned helplessness”! Consider backing off into a more supportive or facilitative role, allowing them to struggle more directly with problems, and learn that they can direct their power more appropriately into developing solutions for themselves. You’ll be doing yourself, your friend and the relationship a giant service.

If you feel that you need help to deal with this issue in any of your relationships feel free to contact me for an appointment.

Cheers,

Susan

Couplesctr@gmail.com | 603-431-7131

Winter, (No Spring), Now SUMMER! Time to Practice the Fine Art of Reframing

Mon, 12 Jun 2017 20:36:00 GMT

So, here I am on our boat celebrating the end of Winter, a missing Spring, and now…. Summer! But wait – today we’re all hiding out indoors escaping the scorching 94 degree temps outside! This is a classic case of “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!” or “Be flexible! Regroup!”

When weather dishes out doozies like it has been here in New England, sometimes the best you can do is “reframe”:

On another rainy day in June: Great opportunity to do book work and seasonal clothing hauls.

On another 50 degree day in June: Great time to do the mulching and other backbreaking yard work you’d never do in the heat. Also great time to do all the cooking and baking which calls to you.

On a 94 degree Monday when you’re “o ff” work: Great time to write blog posts, post radio shows and catch up on emails, not to mention play your guitar and read a book before midnight. Who’d want to be indoors doing that when it’s glorious outside?

So, as the old adage goes, “When nature gives you lemons, make LOADS of lemonade!”

“Avoid the 3 Mistakes Many Women Make that Repel Love” BlogTalk Radio show Wed., 6/14/17 noon

Mon, 12 Jun 2017 19:15:00 GMT

Tune into this 30-40 minute episode I’ll be co-hosting with a unique relationship mentor, Valerie Greene, who helps couples to stop fighting and fall in love again, and who helps women inspire their husbands or partners into deeper love and intimacy, not relational dread. Providing a highly successful alternative to relationship therapy, Valerie helps women and couples move beyond problem-solving and communication skills to create a secure emotional CONNECTION.

Tune into this special episode to learn more from Valerie about how to transform relationship conflict into deeper intimacy, avoiding the relational moves that repel love. Join us live with your questions or comments by calling into the studio at: 877-497-9046 . If you can’t make the live show simply go to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to hear the recording afterward.

Welcome to my new website!

Tue, 23 May 2017 19:55:00 GMT

As many of you out there probably already know, developing a new website is like making a new marriage – exciting, scary, and VERY unfamiliar. The old relationship may have gotten a bit stale or outdated, but the “devil you know” often feels more workable than the one you don’t!

This new website has been a four month collaboration with the ever patient saints at Dexmedia who put up with my endless questions and fussiness over little details. They all deserve high praise, and hopefully, some time off after dealing with my obsessiveness for all this time.

On this new site you can more easily contact me via email and phone, connect with my social media sites, access my forms, search your concerns or topics in my “Search” bar (upper right), get into my Amazon Store where you can find and buy books you’re looking for, and more easily find my office, among other things. The other thing I hope you notice is that the site is not heterosexist, but conveys my strongly held value of servicing same sex couples as well.

I’m open to productive feedback regarding your experience on this new site – how easily it functions for your needs, how to find what you’re looking for, and overall if it’s a pleasant experience using it. So, here we go!

The Many Ways to Say “I Love You”

Mon, 13 Feb 2017 20:32:00 GMT

Here we are on the eve of another Valentine’s Day. Chances are, you’re running around frantically looking for flowers or chocolates for your honey, wanting to tell them how much you care. If you’ve been remiss and haven’t expressed these feelings in words or meaningful actions then you’re behind the eight ball right now. But, there’s hope!…..

There are thousands of ways to show your partner that your care. It may be a bit late for this Valentine’s Day, but not too late for every day of this year! If you’re lacking ideas about how to express your love in ways that will resonate with your partner, don’t give up by just doing the perfunctory Valentine’s Day stuff. Here are two terrific books I encourage couples to buy and use every single day of the year. Remember, change doesn’t happen in one giant Hallmark moment, but through thousands of choices, large and small, throughout your life.

Marital Crisis After An Affair

Mon, 13 Feb 2017 18:56:00 GMT

Although tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, not everyone in a marriage will be celebrating. If you are in a marriage and have experienced infidelity or an affair, then you know how painful a close relationship can become. As the hurt spouse you have been robbed of trust, joy, self trust, your history as you’ve known it, a feeling of specialness, and most importantly, any secure sense of the future you had anticipated. Certainly, the romance and promise of Valentine’s Day has been shattered, at least for now.

If your spouse who has had an affair minimizes the circumstances and your response to it, trust that it is a function of their dread of consequences, / their entitlement, / their refusal to take responsibility for their behavior, and certainly their lack of empathy for the impact on you. Get support from a trusted friend, family member, group, and especially, a therapist. Whatever you do, DON’T buy into your spouse’s denial about the seriousness of the situation. Get help, and honor your experience of grief and betrayal as valid. Know that you or you and your spouse are probably ill equipped to go this alone!

Here are two terrific, must-read books I recommend to anyone who has or is currently going through this ordeal. One provides invaluable insights about the process, including the challenges and mandates for the “hurt spouse” as well as the “affair spouse.” The second book, about forgiveness, provides choices for how to move on, and vital repair tools for individuals and couples:

BlogTalk Radio 2/15/17 8:30 PM: “How Noticing Can Change Your Life”

Mon, 13 Feb 2017 18:51:00 GMT

You don’t want to miss my next episode about “noticing” and how it can enrich your life!

In this 45 minute episode, I’ll co-host with Cindy Giovagnoli, a photographer and writer who believes in curiosity, enthusiasm, meditation, and mistakes and who offers dynamic workshops and retreats focused on developing the art of noticing in our lives.

Listeners will gain an understanding of what real ‘noticing’ is, how it can be practiced, and how that practice can be a transformative force for more centeredness, calm, presence, and joy.

Call into the show live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 on Wednesday, February 15th at 8:30 PM EST. If you can’t make the live podcast, tune in anytime afterward at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager .

How Your Lens Effects Everything

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 00:26:00 GMT

This is a pretty winter scene, wouldn’t you say? When you look at it do you see stillness, silence, the beauty of nature imposing itself on a cityscape, maybe a snow day off to relax and refuel? Or do you see a frigid, lonely, oppressive, colorless storm aftermath with probable power outages and traffic shutdowns? Well, it’s all in your lens, or the way you take in the visual experience and the meanings you give it. If you’re a Southerner, or a pessimist you probably zone in on all the discomforts and possible inconveniences associated with this scene. If you’re a hardy New England nature lover, or just an optimist, you probably see the exquisite beauty in the scene. You might view it as an opportunity for a snowshoe hike or a hilarious snowball fight. It’s all in not only what you pay attention to, but the meanings you assign to your selection.

The 2016 election was, (and continues to be!) a perfect example of this issue. You hear from three Trump advocates / surrogates about his behavior in a particular situation and they frame it as “take charge,” “authentic,” “strong,” “warranted.” You then hear from three liberals about the same events and they frame his behavior as “authoritarian,” “deceptive-lying,” “bullyish,” and “provocatively inappropriate.” The two sides, based on their lenses can’t even agree about the occurrence of the same exact events. (To this point, we now even have a new term called “alternative facts” coined by the incoming administration).

Whether you’re a democrat, a Republican, an independent or apolitical, how you see political events and the world in general entirely depends on your lens.

As a psychotherapist part of my work is to a) encourage clients to notice what they pay attention to, and b) challenge the lens through which they take in events, or the meanings they give their experiences. I try to practice what I preach, knowing how radically it effects my moods, energy states and world view. I would encourage you to do the same!

Discernment Counseling Update on BlogTalk Radio 1/25/17 8:30 PM EST

Tue, 24 Jan 2017 15:01:00 GMT

Tune into my next brief BlogTalk Radio episode on Wednesday, January 25th at 8:30 PM EST. I’ll be giving you an update about Discernment Counseling – how and when it’s most effective, who is and who is not a candidate for this form of brief treatment, and most importantly, how, even if there’s a decision to divorce, it can transform your relationship with a current spouse.

Call in live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 or listen to the podcast anytime at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

The Winter Blues: Make Peace with the Season or Be Miserable!

Tue, 17 Jan 2017 18:53:00 GMT

This past weekend it was a balmy 24 degrees for the high on most of Saturday and Sunday here in the Northeast. Many of you might grimace at this information, especially if you live in Maine or New Hampshire and routinely experience a six month winter. You’re even more likely to look at this photo of me on the Lincoln Woods trail, deep in the heart of the mountains, and think I’m crazy, right? What you may not realize is that, along with some good friends and my husband I was practicing the art of making peace with the cold, given the fact that we can’t change it and would certainly get very depressed hanging around inside all winter. (What you can’t see in this particular photo is the fact that all four of us had just driven two hours North to see the Ice Castles, basically, an ambitious bunch of ice towers near Loon Mountain – all freezing stuff)!

But, there’s method to the madness: Get out in nature after you’ve sufficiently bundled up, experience it’s beauty, yield to it, and you’ll be taking a natural anti-depressant! So, whatever feels most comfortable to you – downhill skiing, cross country skiing, snow shoeing, ice skating, or just plain trail walking with your dog, if you have one – any of these activities will help you not only get through the very long New England winter, but will give you exercise, social contact, a happy dog and communion with nature. All very good things….

“5 Foolproof Ways to Ruin Your Holidays” on BlogTalk Radio 12/14/16 8:30 PM EST

Mon, 12 Dec 2016 00:01:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next 25 minute BlogTalk Radio episode on Wednesday, December 14th at 8:30 PM EST

If you’ve been telling yourself a story about all the stresses, expenses, difficult relatives, ridiculous gifts, cards to send, the hassles of putting up and decorating the tree, Chanukah forgotten, cleaning the house, making flights on time, too much eating and drinking, getting too fat, cleaning up the house, no time for anything, then this episode is for you!

I’ll give you 5 sure methods to make all the negative spin come true, individually, and as a couple. Enough chirpy info about how to do better! Let’s look at how you can SABOTAGE any fun, joy or meaning!

Tune into www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager for live streaming, or for the recorded episode afterward, OR to join me live on the air with your own Grinch stories or ideas call into the studio at: 877-497-9046 I’d love to make it a conversation!

The Curse of Self-Doubt

Sun, 11 Dec 2016 20:50:00 GMT

It was finally time after almost ten years, for me to part ways with my trusty old office couch. It was beautiful and comfy, but badly soiled and worn, as you can see, after being the repository for thousands of hours of client’s struggles and triumphs. Oh, the stories this tired old couch had heard!

I’d spent months noticing how the cushions were getting more frayed and soiled, obsessing about whether I should have it re-upholstered, (and how would I ever do that?), or to just let it go, hopefully to a new home. Back and forth, decided and undecided I remained for months and months. Now the issue was less about the condition of the couch but my lack of confidence about the “right” decision!

I finally pulled the trigger, after days of measuring and re-measuring, (I’d bought a couch in the past I had to return because they couldn’t get it in the door!) I found what I thought was a perfect replacement and made plans for the Salvation Army to pick up the old couch. Before they arrived I was caught in yet another wave of self doubt: Did I measure correctly? Would it fit? Would the new one match or be comfortable enough? Did I really do my homework diligently about all this? Was it fair to just discard a couch that had served my clients and me so faithfully? (Does this kind of self-doubt feel familiar to you?) After several agonizing hours I decided to try to trust my perceptions and diligence, and move forward. Unfortunately, I wasn’t rewarded for the moment of decisiveness when the Salvation Army rejected the donation – “too worn.” With the new one arriving the next day, should I keep the old couch if I had nowhere else to put it? More indecision, and I’m the therapist?

I finally broke the bad trance, deciding this issue wasn’t about world peace, and that I should try to trust my perceptions, as I’m usually a very thorough person. Worst case scenario, I’d have two couches, one parked in the waiting room, and a new one in my office. I put a “free couch” sign on the old one, and within an hour a mother took down my number, exclaiming how perfect this old couch would be for her son who was moving into his own apartment. He wouldn’t be put off by the optics of it, but would love the functionality, especially since it was a full size sleeper as well. Long story short, the new couch arrived the next day, fit perfectly in my office and looks beautiful, and the kid came the next day to pick up his new treasure.

I can only guess what fun he and his roommates will have imagining the therapy dramas his new couch holds. Hopefully, he won’t doubt his own decision to give the old girl a new home just because she’s a little worn out. And hopefully, next time I won’t invite the curse of self doubt into what could be an exciting decision. Maybe? Maybe not…….

Get The Inside Scoop on My Work as a Psychotherapist: 11/30 3PM EDT Podcast on Professionals Radio Network

Wed, 30 Nov 2016 04:09:00 GMT

Wanna find out more about my work at The Couples Center and how I came into this compelling profession? (My bizarre initial “inspiration”?). Then tune into the Professionals Radio Network on Wednesday, 11/30 at 3:00 PM EDT for a live eight minute podcast at: http://bit.ly/2fiz1Mt It should be fun – hope you can listen in!

Learn About EFT for Couples from the Experts on BlogTalk Radio 11/16/16 8:30 PM

Wed, 16 Nov 2016 04:46:00 GMT

Have a happier marriage when you harness the tools of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Learn from the experts all about this powerful form of brief treatment aimed at helping couples transform their interactions from anger and distancing to connection and deeper understanding.

Tune into BlogTalk Radio Wednesday, 11/16/16 at 8:30 PM EDT at: http://tobtr.com/s/9608805 to catch the podcast live streaming or listen to it afterward at your convenience. Even better, call into the studio live with your questions or comments at 877-497-9046 . Hope you can join us!

How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Can Transform Your Marriage

Mon, 14 Nov 2016 01:47:00 GMT

Learn about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), for couples in a special 45 minutes BlogTalk Radio episode on Wednesday, November 16th at 8:30 PM EDT at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/Susan Lager. I’ll co-host with Jill Fischer of www.Positive Couples.com , the major New England trainer of EFT, and Naomi Rather, of www.RatherCounseling.com , a therapist doing this work with amazing success in Newington, NH.

Find out how this brief treatment can transform your marriage. Call in live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 . We’d all love to have you join us!

OMG! I have Election Stress Disorder!

Wed, 19 Oct 2016 20:17:00 GMT

Just when I thought all the years of therapy had finally done their magic, and that I’d be free at last, I discover that my fatigue, nail biting, cynicism, and catastrophic thoughts about the future aren’t related to my crazy family upbringing, but about NOW, 2016 with this psycho election! The fact that I’m glued to the TV set, watching the pundits fight about whose crimes are worse, who’s a wuss, who’s really a psychothopathic liar, who’s fingers should be on the nuclear codes, is not because I’m a glutton for punishment, but all manifestations of my new diagnosis: Election Stress Disorder! AND, to make matters worse, I am apparently in good company with half the planet!

As a psychotherapist always keyed into actionable, positive change attitudes and behaviors, this one really stumps me. How do we all feel more hopeful and impactful when every day new dirt gets dug up on our candidates of “choice,” with Russia and Wikileaks playing their hand in events as well? This is a paranoid’s wet dream! One candidate is clearly a Neanderthal, the other cast as a disingenuous double talker. And, speaking of double talk, no one ever answers a question directly anymore, but on both sides they all pivot constantly, meaning deflect, avoid, spin! I pity the poor journalists who have to listen to this day in and day out without losing their cool!

Maybe the only hope for all of us with ESD is to remember that nothing lasts forever, that most truths come out in the wash eventually, that Election Day is less than a month away, and that until then, we all can put our fingers on the “Off” button when we’ve had enough. (Now, gotta go watch the final debate….

Technology Woes (or “Wanting to Tear Your Hair Out Now!”)

Wed, 31 Aug 2016 18:22:00 GMT

Today hasn’t been a good day. Even though I woke up after a full night’s sleep in a good mood, had an invigorating workout and a yummy breakfast, the rest of the day so far hasn’t been the best. Try this on for size:

I get an email saying my Eddie Bauer account has likely been hacked – “Look up the last six months of transactions on the card you use, put a fraud alert on all credit bureaus, and sign up for more identity protection!” That, so far, has taken two hours.
I get another email from my patient portal saying I have an important message from my doctor’s office – “Sign in and read immediately!” (Am I dying, and they didn’t tell me in person when I went in for tendonitis? Or maybe that cyst on my arm is leprosy?) I try to be compliant, and after five login attempts I get locked out. (Where did I put that username and password information)? I call several doctor’s offices to see who sent me the mysterious message and why, and so far haven’t gotten through to any of the offices that might use that portal. The offices I did reach don’t use it.
I go to my site to write an inspiring blogpost and am locked out for some mysterious reason during the first eight login attempts. It must be the “infected files” on the site five different security analysts can’t seem to figure out. Now, here I am, mystery still not solved, writing a not-so-inspiring post.
I try to write my next article for my subscription lists and the aWeber hosting site is upside down and sideways, no buttons working properly until I’ve made about ten attempts. Finally, I get the article out, realizing it’s about two weeks late. Shame on me, I’ve been having too much fun avoiding the f#ck*#g internet this summer, and now I’m paying for it!

So, gentle reader, if you too have had days like this, know you’re not alone if you have also felt like tearing your hair out when it happened. (“happens” is more like it). You experience what we call a “lack of agency,” or an inability to intervene effectively on your own behalf. It creates a sense of complete helplessness, and that’s not good! In my case, I can’t WAIT to get to “work” seeing my clients who have real problems, so I can hopefully have some effect somewhere today!

PS. If you don’t do too well with stress, feel free to call me for an appointment at 603-431-7131 , knowing that I understand…..

Grit – How Much Do You Have and What Is Your Score?

Wed, 24 Aug 2016 21:01:00 GMT

I've often been described as a "pit bull," especially by my husband. He's not referring to the kind of bite, but the trait of tenacity, thankfully. Friends and family will regularly remark that they don't know what drives my passion and perseverance at my age, especially when so many of them are slowing down. I think they think I'm a little crazy. I think they're onto something, but I like to think of myself as a little obsessive, with happy, episodic "manias." (Case in point: We've been updating our house and land, so I've often found myself edging and mulching garden beds, lifting out huge rocks and hauling cuttings until well into darkness. When I get a "bug in my bonnet" about the preferred new color of a room I'll repaint it three times until it's right. I've been practically living at Home Depot and Homegoods, picking out materials, pillows, and general stuff, all in a driving unstoppable desire to improve the form and function of our house). My husband should be nominated as a CNN Hero, for his enormous patience and support, putting up with what I think is my big supply of Grit.

The dictionary defines grit as "firmness of character; indomitable spirit; pluck." People refer to the quality of "grit" as the presence of persistence and passion. It's the "drive" you see in some folks and not others, and often seems to be related to the daily grind around some project or situation. People who demonstrate laziness or "wimpyness" aren't thought of as having much grit.

Angela Duckworth, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, identified a Grit Scale to assess how much of it you may have, and also to identify traits that might predict success. The complete test appears in her bestselling book, “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance." If you're curious about your own score go to the "Resources" page of my website www.SusanLager.com to take the quick ten question test. With all my own crazy tenacity I wasn't surprised when I scored high on the scale. See what the test may reveal about you!

“Marital Peace After An Affair” – BlogTalk Radio Show Wed. 7/27/16 8:30 PM EDT

Mon, 25 Jul 2016 21:27:00 GMT

In this thirty minute episode I’ll co-host with Dr. Laura Louis, author of the popular book, “Marital Peace,” which is a valuable resource for supporting couples throughout the challenges of marriage.

Dr. Louis has specialized in helping distant couples heal after infidelity, and in the program discusses some of the ways she recommends rebuilding trust, rekindling intimacy and enhancing communication. Her therapeutic approach has been influenced through trainings in Brazil, Mexico, London and Haiti, as well as hundreds of transformative seminars all over the world.

Don’t miss this vital program if you and your spouse have endured or feel at risk for an affair! Learn some key tools to not only help avoid infidelity, but to restore trust, build forgiveness, and promote growth after an affair. You too can achieve marital peace after this traumatic development.

Call in live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 .

If you can’t make the live show you can listen to the podcast afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

One way or another, I hope you can join us!

Midnight Madness Meditation

Wed, 13 Jul 2016 03:39:00 GMT

I could never sit “Indian Style,” so when I spent two weeks in Girl Scout camp at age nine I felt like a total failure next to all the other little scouts sitting like perfect Yogis around the campfire, inhaling their gooey Smores. Imagine my later dismay whenever I attended a cozy, casual group event, or God forbid, a Yoga class and attempted to achieve a Namaste frame of mind in lotus position! So, sadly to say, my attempts at “regular” meditation haven’t been stellar with the posture all convoluted. I also sit in my work as a psychotherapist more than most elders do when they’re confined to wheelchairs, so more sitting as a form of meditative practice is generally out.

I relax and even meditate through movement, often focusing on my breath and gait during speed walks, no matter where I am. But the real deal happens when everything is quiet and shut down, my cat and husband are asleep, the horrible news is off, my laptop has been put to bed, the dishwasher is humming, and I’m in the zone making popsicles. I am the newest member of a bizarre club of mostly young Moms who need some peace and quiet, and find it late at night, concocting all sorts of decadent popsicles, then posting them on Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook. I call them the Midnight Madness Poppers, and I guess I’m one of them, invited, young and tired, Pinterest addicted – or not. I’ve decided that even though nobody has nominated me yet, that I have an even more exclusive membership in this club, because anyone can invent delicious pops loaded with gobs of sugar, but mine are healthy, untainted by that sweet poison.

I’ve also decided that most anyone can sit in perfect Lotus position, still and silent, noting their breath and invasive thoughts as a path to enlightenment. How many people can go into a total meditative trance at midnight whipping up things with names like “Banana Maple Coconut Rum Pecan” or “Russian Cappucino Walnut Kahlua Chip”? Huh?

“How Curiosity Can Save Your Marriage” BlogTalk Radio show Wed. 6/8/ 8:30 PM

Tue, 07 Jun 2016 02:39:00 GMT

Don’t miss this 30 minute episode where I’ll be sharing tips from my book “Become Relationship Smart Without a Lifetime of Therapy” about the key role of curiosity as a connector in all meaningful relationships, especially in marriage. For people not familiar with this concept, I’ll reveal some key conversation openers demonstrating curiosity and interest in a partner, facilitating empathy, sharing and feeling “seen,” a shot in the arm especially for marriages suffering from boredom or disconnection.

To join the live conversation with questions or comments call toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST. If you can’t make the live show you can listen to the recording afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

One way or another I hope you can join me!

Another Birthday!

Mon, 06 Jun 2016 12:57:00 GMT

Yesterday was my birthday, and once again I was astonished at how fast this past year went. Zip! It flew by! Again I’ve had the dreaded thought that my remaining birthdays may be limited, as I’m now officially tripping off the top of the”middle age” peak. Ugh! Not a good way to think about the passage of time. So, I’m on a mission to reframe aging, so I don’t spend the rest of my days playing “Beat the Clock.” (If you are gloriously young, you probably have no clue about that reference, as you wouldn’t have been born when that show was on TV. Well, hooray for you).

So far, I’ve decided that one clear antidote to aging with dread is to stop focusing on the outside of things and more on the inside – to not be seduced by appearances, but more cognizant of substance. That way, wrinkles and gravity’s effect on bodies, including my own, will be less central, (and horrifying!). So, who cares if your butt is two inches lower now than when you were 25? It’s the quality of your mind and heart that protrudes with significance!

One other antidote seems to be less focus on the endlessly undone things in life – the “bucket list” of amazing, challenging, creative, fun or obligatory things remaining untapped or unfinished, and more focus on one’s achievements. What accomplishments do you feel proud of? What will you be remembered for? What relationships and experiences have you had that you cherish right now? It’s a “glass half full” frame, much less melancholy, more grateful!

While I’m working on my list of antidotes to aging with dread, I did see one affirmation on a birthday card which says it all perfectly: “At this moment in time you are the youngest you will ever be for the rest of your life.” Ah, youth……

Wanna Be Happy? Live Like a Puppy!

Mon, 23 May 2016 22:12:00 GMT

Meet Barley (Lager) – our new “Grandson.” He may be the youngest member of our family, but we think he’s wiser than all the rest of us combined. He knows how to live and love and get his way when he wants to do his thing. You can’t walk with him ten feet in public without his universal fan club, (mostly older, very fancy, done up ladies), stopping, shrieking, cuddling him and kissing him on the mouth – even though he may have just eaten some fresh deer poop. Like most puppies, he loves everyone and everyone loves him. Of course, it helps that he’s soft and fuzzy, full of kisses and clumsy like a baby. But, he knows a few things about how to live with joy that the rest of us could learn from, probably saving us thousands in therapists fees like mine, and thousands of hours of searching through self help books. If we all just emulated the Barleys of the world we’d probably also spare ourselves loads of angst, and mountains of emptiness and stress.

So, here’s what Barley has already taught me about how to live happier:

Be present in the moment, whatever that is
Be curious – it’s an amazing, big world out there!
Eat heartily when you’re hungry and nap when you’re tired
Play a lot with gusto and abandon
Be loyal, but also love the one you’re with – unless they’re mean
Forgive and forget – today’s a new day
Cuddle and kiss your family whenever you can, especially when you greet them
Ask for what you want without shame
Enjoy your own body – it’s full of wonderful parts!
Give everyone the benefit of the doubt – maybe they’ll be a new friend!
Back off when someone says “No” – and don’t bite!
Be determined about getting your rewards
Listen very carefully, trust your nose and tune in
Be silly and unselfconscious – who gets hurt if you’re having fun?

(Feel free to add to this list in the name of helping all of us “grown ups” learn to live with more joy and exuberance). Right now, with Barley’s modeling, I need a nap…..

Meeting on the Mountain

Sat, 16 Apr 2016 19:46:00 GMT

Most couples who’ve graduated into a king-size bed fully understand the ups and downs about the change. Gone are the days when the two of you naturally fell into the canyon in the middle created by your joint weight, cozily cuddling. Instead, you’ve probably permanently moved into your own canyons on the far sides of the mattress, keenly aware that king-size beds create a “mountain” in the middle, unless you’ve made a conscious attempt to share the middle “we” space, or have sex four times a day. If you live in a hot climate it makes it more pronounced – who needs to cuddle when bodily contact warmth isn’t a necessity for comfort? The up side is that you probably enjoy the ability to fully stretch out without worrying about unwittingly shoving your elbow in your partner’s nose. Ah, space… But there are costs to your new found independence: Disconnection! Less intimacy! Waning pillow talk! So, in the spirit of avoiding all these forms of alienation, I say, “be deliberate about meeting on the mountain!”

Here are three ways the rendezvous on the summit can help a relationship:

If you do it together or take turns, you’re practicing compromise and collaboration in the name of closeness.
You’re being intentional as a couple about maintaining intimacy and connection.
You’re practicing the delicate balance between the “Me” and the “We,” so key to close relationships.

So, think of “Meeting on the Mountain” as a perfect metaphor for what you need to do in many areas of your partnership, only this time with a giant mattress underneath you.

4 Daily Practices Essential to a Happy, Fulfilling Life – A Therapist’s Take

Sat, 09 Apr 2016 20:47:00 GMT

If you don’t live under a rock, chances are that you see headlines in magazines, news IMG_0004programs, and various online sources about the quick secrets to having a happy life, whether it’s a happier sex life, a better relationship with your body, your boss or your mother – you probably get inundated with sound bytes about the path to bliss.

In my many years of practice as an individual and couples therapist, and as a coach, I’ve learned a thing or two about what really makes people happier and more fulfilled. The sad reality is that it’s not a quick or simple fix. The good news is that you don’t have to move to Bhutan and become a monk to have a happier life. If instead, you commit to these first four specific daily practices you’ll be well on your way, without the plane fare and upheaval. So, here are the first four attitudes and behaviors for you to practice, maximizing the possibilities for a lifetime of more joy and meaning:

Be grateful. Spend time each day moving away from aspirational thinking about your wants and needs, (your strivings), to acknowledging your appreciation for what you already have: a loving partner, a feisty child, a generous neighbor, funny co-workers, a sweet dog, a warm bed, your health, food on the table, beautiful sunsets, etc. Manifest gratitude by thanking the people around you for who they are or anything they’ve done that you appreciate. It costs nothing, and softens everything. Focus on your blessings and amplify them with your attention and gratitude. You’ll be more present in each moment, and you’ll be building and strengthening happy neural pathways in your brain, while generating positive energy in your relationships. – all vital keys to joy.
Be intentional. Live life “on purpose” by connecting with your motivations, and with plans for actionable, followup behavior. Get away from “shoulds,” like “I should eat more healthfully, get more sleep, be a better friend,” etc., to “I commit to…”, “I will,_________”, because you’ve connected to your motivation. So, if you set an intention on a given day to be a more solicitous friend, decide why, and how you will put that into action that day. By setting an intention each day, giving yourself reminders, and committing to an action plan for that intention, you’ll feel more in control of events, you’ll feel better about having a moral compass, you’ll make more carefully considered and less reactive decisions, and you’ll have less regrets down the road about what you did or didn’t do. You will have de-automated your life.
Be kind. Unless someone is aiming a gun at your head, there’s usually lots of room for kindness and compassion in relationships. Recognize the interrelatedness of all beings, and all your opportunities to treat others with the best of your heart. Also, do it on a micro scale: tell the sales clerk how helpful and efficient he was, smile at passersby, take a moment to help a co-worker with something she’s carrying, give your spouse an unsolicited kiss or smile. Don’t confuse kindness with being an unassertive suck-up. If you’re not being abused or violated in some way then you’re kindness is a gift, not a defense or coverup for negative feelings. Also, direct your kindness to yourself. Treat yourself with compassion and respect, the way a good friend would. Avoid damning self talk or punitive self paybacks. Unless you’re a serial killer you probably deserve to treat yourself gently.
Be responsible. Take care of business. Pay your bills and taxes. Return calls and emails in a timely way. Make your bed. Organize your space so it functions well and reflects back on you positively. Be on time for appointments. Live within your means. Don’t drink or text and drive. Pay attention to the rules you’ve agreed to live by. Be a grown up and you’ll avoid experiences of shame, chaos, disappointment or trauma to yourself and others. You’ll feel calmer and freed up to do all the other fun stuff if you don’t get stuck in the weeds of life’s “business.”

Commit to these first four attitudes and practices and you’ll be well on your way to a happier life.

*To find out about four other key practices, tune into my next BlogTalk Radio episode, “8 Practices Essential to a Happy and Fulfilling Life” on Wednesday, April 13th at 8:30 PM.

Call 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments, or listen to the recording afterward at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Reframing: 4 Ways it May Be Good For Your Mental Health!

Mon, 04 Apr 2016 23:31:00 GMT

Along with hundreds of thousands of other New Englanders, I’m staring out the window on one of the first days of “Spring,” looking at five inches of newly fallen snow with more on the way(!) It’s been coming down hard most of the day, with the temps hovering around a balmy Spring 26 degrees. The first Red Sox game of the season was canceled, so I know there are probably lots of unhappy fans as well. Last week my husband and I were laying on Flamenco Beach in Culebra, luxuriating in the soft, tropical breeze and the warm aqua water. Life is Hell…… Or is it?

If it hadn’t been for the brutal weather I’d have been miserable, catching up on my book work after our little Puerto Rican getaway. If the sun had been shining and the weather glorious and Springy I wouldn’t have opted to complete some online trainings I’ve needed to do. The laundry and the cooking would have fallen behind, the bills wouldn’t have been paid before the week was in full swing, the AirBnB reviews would have been undone, I wouldn’t have discovered all the terrific Ken Burns videos on Amazon Prime, and I certainly wouldn’t be enjoying the warmth of the roaring fire my husband has made. Nor would I be looking forward to later taking a toasty hot tub under the stars, amidst the newly white landscape. So, am I being a Pollyanna, or am I using the needed skill of reframing? It’s the latter, my friends.

Reframing is very good for your mental health in a number of important ways:

It helps you transform a situation which might make you feel like a victim into one of opportunity.
It helps you to make a creative “reboot,” expanding your sense of possibilities and problem-solving.
It sets a positive tone, helping you to feel good as you change the noise in your head.
The more often you feel good the happier you’ll be, and the more you’ll spread it to others. The more often you spread happiness, the more people will want to hang out with you. Chances are, you’ll then have a more satisfying social life.

So, bring on the snow, April 4th or whenever!

BlogTalk Radio Show Wed. 3/16/16 8:30 PM DST: “Digital Infidelity – Is Your Spouse Just Texting or Cheating?”

Mon, 14 Mar 2016 18:38:00 GMT

Modern technology has brought us all a mixed bag of useful tools as well as potentially boundary and trust violating capability through smartphones, iPads and laptops. The practice of creating or maintaining independent, private outside relationships via texting has become a huge challenge to spouses wanting to balance the “we” and the “me” in their marriages.

Don’t miss this 30 minute episode where I’ll explore the issues related to boundaries, trust, intimacy and independence, which can get very blurred in this arena. I’ll invite listeners to define where they may draw the line between “personal space” and “cheating” regarding outside relationships maintained through texts. I’ll also shares some tips from my work with couples about how spouses can harness that same power of texts, emails and voicemails to create more excitement and stimulation within their marriages.

To join the episode live with questions, comments (or war stories!), call 877-497-9046 . If you can’t make the live broadcast you can hear the recording anytime afterward at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

One way or the other, I hope you can tune in!

“The ABC’s of Financial Goal Setting” BlogTalk Radio Show Wed., 2/17/16 8:30 PM EST

Mon, 15 Feb 2016 05:24:00 GMT

Put this on your calendar and tune in!

In this 45 minute episode, my guest, Heather Brontas CFP, a popular financial advisor at Ameriprise Financial Services, shares key information about how we all need to manage the four major aspects of our financial lives. Heather is returning for another episode after her “Divorce and Money” show last year got such a huge listenership, so you don’t want to miss this one! People generally expect to pay big bucks for this kind of professional advice, so tune in and get 45 minutes of it for FREE and you’ll be on your way to realizing your goals for financial health and peace of mind!

Join the live conversation with questions or comments by calling 877-497-9046 on Wednesday, February 17th at 8:30 PM EST.

Can’t make the live show? Catch the recording at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager anytime afterward.

The Committed Marriage Valentine’s Day

Sun, 14 Feb 2016 20:52:00 GMT

Here’s what Valentine’s Day looks like after 30 glorious years of marriage:

Battle for The Truth

Sun, 31 Jan 2016 19:15:00 GMT

If you’re in a marriage or any kind of long term partnership, after the initial rose-colored glow has worn off, you’ve probably had the unpleasant experience of each seeing the same events very differently. Either you remember the “significant” details around the situation differently, or you have alternate realities about who said what, who did what, what was decided or who’s to blame. Sound familiar? If it does, you probably have also experienced some of the unsavory effects of this disconnect – like hostility, mistrust, disappointment, or hurt. If so, unfortunately, you’re in good company with half the planet.

I call this situation the “Battle for The Truth” – as though there were an objective reality or single “truth” to events. The hard thing is that “The Truth” is all about individual perspective, observation and context, so you may already realize that arguing over “The Truth” is usually fruitless.

If you’d like to learn more about how this plays out in relationships, signs it’s happening, long-term effects, and tools to put down your weapons, then tune into a terrific BlogTalk Radio program scheduled for Tuesday, February 2nd at 8PM EST: “The Texas Conflict Coach.” Host Pattie Porter, a famous conflict expert is having me on as her guest. Join us live on the show with questions or comments by calling (347)324-3591 . If you can’t make the live show you can hear the recording on BlogTalk Radio at: http://www.texasconflictcoach.com/category/upcoming-shows/

Either way, hope you can join us!

Do You Suffer From Pudding on Your Finger?

Mon, 25 Jan 2016 03:42:00 GMT

If so, according to my highly informed husband, you are in good company with half the planet!

Earlier this evening my husband and I were sitting in our hut tub, savoring the warmth as we gazed up at a starless, moonlit winter sky. I then began to grouse about not being able to set up “Touch ID” on my new iPhone which required a four digit passcode I didn’t know. It would have been so cool to have my unique fingerprint give me exclusive access to all my stuff in the new device! Incredulous, Thom then launched into an impassioned speech about how that was actually a good thing, as he’d read that “Touch ID” could compromise one’s security, particularly if you happen to have pudding on your finger! Apparently, this problem has plagued thousands of innocent smartphone users all over the world. (A well read, very intelligent person telling me this with absolute conviction).

Having fortuitously been saved from this apparent horror, I began to wonder how many unfortunate souls have suffered from pudding on their finger?

while x-country skiing
while driving in a hurricane
while making a speech in a political campaign
while swimming with dolphins
while clapping enthusiastically at a Broadway show

The gruesome possibilities are endless! It’s something new we probably haven’t worried enough about! OMG!!!!

So, if you too have been unable to set up “Touch ID” on your fancy new phone, don’t complain! Don’t get frustrated! Count your blessings while you manually key in your old passcode with the rest of the masses. And remember, sometimes this new-fangled technology can be a really , really dangerous thing……

“Living with Loss – A Conversation with Ashley Davis Bush” BlogTalk Radio Show on Monday, 1/18/16 7 PM EST

Sat, 16 Jan 2016 20:39:00 GMT

Tune into my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode “Living with Loss – A Conversation with Ashley Davis Bush” on Monday, January 18th at 7 PM. Ashley and I will discuss the process of grieving – the realities and the myths, as well as tools for coping, from her latest book, “Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss.”

When we lose someone, it’s easy to feel unmoored. We have to find a new rhythm to our days and new ways to connect to the ones we’ve lost. Ashley Davis Bush offers just that.

Ashley’s book is filled with small lifelines and glimpses of hope for coping with the death of a loved one. Included are daily meditations offering comfort and tools for how to move on, living with gratitude, compassion and meaning. In this BlogTalk Radio episode Ashley will share key points from this latest goldmine of a book.

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW, is the internationally bestselling author of six self-help books, including the classic “Transcending Loss.” She is a compelling and wise presenter, having appeared on many television and radio shows.

Call 877-497-9046 on Monday, January 18th at 7PM EST to listen, make comments or ask questions. You’ll be glad you did!

Are You a Time Optimist?

Mon, 11 Jan 2016 00:25:00 GMT

My husband and I still have a ridiculously predictable ritual: We agree to do some errands together on a weekend, often involving returning or searching for an item in a Marshalls or T.J.Maxx store. I tell him I’ll be ten minutes, he says “ok,” and half an hour later I’m still in the dressing room frantically trying on deals of a lifetime while he’s outside, aggravated, saying he should have brought a book! As someone who is generally considerate of other people’s feelings, I apologize and we agree not to shop together in the future, because I lose all sense of time, and he hates to wait. He forgives me, and all is well, until…..the next time.

Here’s another similar scenario: I have a family member (whom I won’t mention by name), who is joyful, highly creative and full of intense energy. He does everything with tremendous passion. Unfortunately, that usually means fixing or building something, or solving some complex problem “in no time” while he makes his wife wait for him to go somewhere or do something else. He’s a loving, thoughtful husband who somehow lives in the doghouse much of the time in his marriage. Luckily, he too has a forgiving spouse who adores him.

Are we folks who chronically underestimate the time it takes to do things really just inconsiderate of others? Do we all have ADHD? Are we disorganized or are we just “time optimists”? I like to think that it’s the latter category – chronically underestimating the time it takes to do things. When our son was about eight years old he remarked one day that I seemed to always be “missing ten minutes!” How astute! – yet it took me another nine years to realize that I could leave for work ten minutes earlier and not be crunched for time – that inevitably, en route to work I’d get caught behind a school bus or an old lady driving fifteen miles an hour, no matter how well intentioned I was about not being late for clients.

These days, I still try to add at least ten minutes onto the estimate for the time needed for just about everything in life. I’ve relinquished myself to the “higher power” of Geologic Time – that no matter how fast I can do things, the world still moves very , very slowly. I can tell you that this practice lowers your stress level, makes everyone around you feel much less irritated, helps you enjoy the scenery behind old ladies and school buses, and can even improve your marriage! The only thing that I can’t vouch for is what happens when you hit a sale in your favorite store….

Obsessions, Manias, Fixations and Preoccupations

Sun, 10 Jan 2016 20:09:00 GMT

I haven’t been blogging for more than a month, not only because of the holiday busyness, but because I have an overactive brain which got hijacked by an obsession for grain-free, low carb cooking and baking. I’ve discovered several websites which tout tons of recipes for healthy, wheat-free, sugar-free breads, cakes, soups, muffins, appetizers, candy, etc., all part of the “Wheatbelly” crusade. I’m hooked. I’m like a junkie on crack. I’m often up till 1:00 AM immersed in a world of other “junkies” who spend every kid-free, husband-free, (I’m not being sexist, it’s mostly women), moment making these healthy treats, and blogging about it on their sites. I call one bunch the “Mad Midnight Popsicle Mavens.” (They really started me on this mania, with their mouthwatering pictures of their mostly sugar-free creations).

This obsession actually started for a logical reason. I’d been suffering with acid reflux and asthma for several years, often rudely injecting itself into sessions with clients, with me either wheezing or choking for a period of time, on their dime. Clients were always very understanding, but I couldn’t tolerate feeling like an old coot, so I did my homework and found out about grain-free eating as an antidote in the Wheatbelly research. Thankfully, this way of life has helped enormously, but with the mixed outcome of creating a new “mania,” as I like to think of it – not a mental illness, but a happy passion. So happy, in fact, that I could forget to sleep, if I allowed myself, but I generally don’t.

So, what’s the point of this tale? To let anyone out there know that if you too are prone to fixations, preoccupations and manias, to be aware of how and when you allow them to rule your world. Do you forget to pick up your kids at daycare because you’re in a happy shopping trance? Does your obsession with learning an instrument trump paying the bills? Do you neglect your spouse because you’re fixated on a new puzzle? It’s all a consciousness and balance game.

Anyway, I gotta go. The grain-free cookies are calling….

Overfamiliarity

Sat, 05 Dec 2015 00:20:00 GMT

Are you in a relationship which seems to have mysteriously lost its magic? Has the experience of mystery and romance dissolved into thin air without an obvious reason?

If you’ve thought “Yes! Yes!” then you and your spouse or partner may be guilty of too much familiarity, and too many liberties taken with each other by allowing boundaries to get too squishy. Here are some examples of this you may have seen creeping into your partnership:

Going to the bathroom with the door open, allowing your partner the charming pleasure of hearing and smelling the result
Passing gas without any attempt to be private about it
Talking about every minuscule detail of your day, however boring
Continuous contact through texts, calls or emails
Sharing every detail of your fantasies, regardless of consequences
Revealing all the gory aspects of your deepest insecurities or areas of poor self-esteem

These are only a few illustrations of how partners mistakenly think that total openness without privacy will promote more closeness and comfort.

Esther Perel, author of the bestselling book “Mating In Captivity” makes the clearest case for how intentional space is necessary for eroticism, excitement and ironically, intimacy. She talks about how total democracy, lockstep teamwork and lack of space have eroded modern partnerships. Couples used to spend longer spans of time courting, longing, missing each other, having less symbiotic “togetherness,” and as a result, often experienced the critical tension the space provided for more romance and excitement.

So, if this issue of overfamiliarity seems to have seeped into your relationship, take a look at how together you may have allowed too many boundaries to have broken down, notice the effect, and explore how you can re-install some mystery and privacy – (NOT secrecy), but space in the name of closeness.

Are You a Shopaholic? Take the Test Wednesday 11/18 on BlogTalkRadio 8:30 PM EST

Wed, 18 Nov 2015 05:25:00 GMT

If you’ve ever wondered if you have a shopping problem, or if it’s just benign “retail therapy,” and you’re readying for the holiday spending season, then this next BlogTalk Radio episode is just for you.

Tune into my next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio episode “Are You a Shopaholic? Take the Test Before the Holidays; Get 7 Tips for Help” – Wednesday, November 18th at 8:30 PM EST . Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions, comments or (horror?) stories. Learn about whether you may have Compulsive Buying Disorder, or if your 75 pairs of shoes is just a love of style.

If you can’t make the live show you can listen to the recording anytime afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Love is the Victor

Sun, 15 Nov 2015 03:27:00 GMT

I’m writing this in the aftermath of the most recent terrorist attack in multiple locations of Paris, apparently the 289th attack of 2015. There’s no apt way to describe this scourge of hatred and violence perpetrated against innocent people all over the world. What stands out after each horrific incident however, is the heroism and altruism of first responders, and the humanity of people identifying with the trauma of violation and loss. The victor is love. What survivors of these attacks recount, is how, in the midst of the violence, when they didn’t think they’d survive, they focused on the enormity of love they had experienced in their lives, thinking they were saying goodbye to all the people who were precious to them.

I think the lesson in all this mayhem needs to be love – not only for your family and friends, but for all the people who have helped you, been kind to you, given you inspiration and support, or just made you laugh. If we could all give more energy each day to feeling and showing appreciation and love to the people around us we’d not only be physically healthier, but emotionally more robust, and spiritually more at peace and in harmony with all of life. If we didn’t wait for a catastrophic moment but instead made a daily habit of focusing on this gratitude and our common humanity, we’d be happier, more connected, and more loving as a species.

BlogTalk Radio Episode: “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” Tonight (Wed. 10/21) 8:15 PM EST

Wed, 21 Oct 2015 13:29:00 GMT

If you’ve ever felt stuck in conversations which seem to go nowhere, and feel the need for some good skills in this area, then don’t miss this episode!

In this next 30 minute BTR episode tonight, (Wednesday 10/21/15) at 8:30 PM I will teach you a vital secret tool for better communication, especially when there’s conflict surrounding an issue.

Call in live at toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions or comments. If you can’t make the live show catch the recording at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager anytime at your convenience.

If you or your partner tend to shut down, retreat, or yell at each other when you disagree, and the “conversation” goes south fast, then this show is for you. Moving forward, you’ll have the means to talk more calmly, take turns, listen better, lower reactivity and move toward solutions faster.

I hope you can join me!

Cheers,

Susan

*P.S. To get my book “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” click on the link below to find it on my Amazon store. There are lots of tips and tools in there for much better communication.

BlogTalk Radio episode about conflict in the workplace airing Wednesday, 9/23 8:30 PM

Mon, 21 Sep 2015 22:14:00 GMT

Due to technical issues with BlogTalk Radio, unfortunately last month’s episode, “Workplace Relationships: Dealing with the Dreaded Drama of Conflict” never aired, and has been rescheduled to Wednesday, September 23rd at 8:30 PM. My apologies for any inconvenience.

DO tune in to the rescheduled episode if you’ve experienced conflict at work and have felt dread and indecision about what to do. Or, if you have a manager who doesn’t handle conflict productively, you end up getting the short end of the stick, and again, dread dealing with the issue, then this show is for you!

My co-host Pattie Porter, The Texas Conflict Coach , is an expert in the field of conflict management, and will share her insights about the issues, along with some critical tools you can use to manage these situations more confidently and effectively.

Call 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments. If you can’t make the live show you can listen to the recording afterward at your convenience at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

4 Tips for Effectively Pushing Yourself

Sun, 13 Sep 2015 22:45:00 GMT

When was the last time you got out of a warm bed at the crack of dawn to sweat on a treadmill – with eagerness ? Or relinquished the beach on a gloriously sunny Saturday to do tax preparation? Or gladly put your openly introverted self in front of a group of 300 peers to give a lecture? You may have done all or any of these things, but chances are that you had to push yourself out of your comfort zone to do them in the name of some kind of benefit or reward. If, on the other hand, you’ve made a habit of staying in your womb-like routine without taking any risks into the unfamiliar, then you’ve probably missed out on some novel experiences, learning, excitement and rewards.

So, if you’d like to be less risk averse and get better at pushing yourself to do new things, here are a four of my seven tips and tools I’ve developed from my years of working with individuals and couples in therapy:

Create a clear vision for your goal, defined specifically. (Ex: By tax time in April I will have all my financial data tabulated and formatted, ready for the accountant in Quickbooks).
Identify your potential saboteurs and what your options are to head them off at the pass. (Ex: Self, wanting to do more fun stuff. Fix: Reward self with the fun stuff after I’ve done the work each week).
Formulate a clear action plan for the “Push,” defining it specifically and behaviorally. (Ex: I will do two hours of Quickbooks entries every Saturday from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM regardless of the weather or invitations I’ve received to do fabulous things).
Identify the intrinsic and concrete rewards to yourself / others in making this effort to move out of your comfort zone. (Ex: I will feel more organized, centered, and prepared for tax time. My accountant will appreciate the timely, orderly data. My friends and family will get to see a cheerier version of me more frequently on weekends).

For more free tools and tips about this and many other issues, subscribe to my list on the right. “Pushing Yourself” is the 92nd free article you will get about all kinds of issues related to the relationship with yourself and with others.

In addition, if you’d like individual help with self-motivation or any other dilemma, feel free to contact me at my Portsmouth, NH office anytime for an appointment at: 603-431-7131 . I’d be glad to help!

Rescheduled BlogTalk Radio Episode: “Workplace Relationships: Dealing with the Dreaded Drama of Conflict”

Sat, 29 Aug 2015 19:19:00 GMT

Due to technical issues with BlogTalk Radio, unfortunately last week’s episode never aired, and has been rescheduled to Wednesday, September 23rd at 8:30 PM. My apologies for any inconvenience.

BlogTalk Radio Episode Wed. 8/26/15 8:30 PM EST: “Conflict in the Workplace and How to Manage it”

Mon, 24 Aug 2015 01:50:00 GMT

Tune into my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode “Conflict in the Workplace and How to Manage it” on Wednesday, August 26th at 8:30 PM EST. My guest will be Pattie Porter, The Texas Conflict Coach , internationally famous radio host, an expert in the field of conflict resolution, and highly sought trainer and coach to companies all over the U.S. If you’re a conflict avoider this show is right up your alley! We’ll talk about the “why’s” and “how’s” of avoidance, the costs of doing it, and ways to break the cycle.

Call in with questions or comments at 877-497-9046 , stop avoiding conflict and talk to an expert in this field!

Ashley Madison Hack: Divorce Not An Inevitable Outcome!

Thu, 20 Aug 2015 04:22:00 GMT

If you or your spouse has been exposed as using the Ashley Madison site to seek an affair, stop and take a deep breath! (Apparently thousands of people have already flocked to lawyers to pull the trigger on impulsively decided divorces). Driven by the hurt and humiliation of public exposure and profound betrayal, as a discovering spouse you are understandably experiencing the first waves of trauma that this news usually brings. Vengeance and assuaging the broken trust through divorce may seem like the only solution to you at this point.

As the unfaithful spouse you are probably traumatized in different ways: what may have seemed like a discreet, compartmentalized adventure without victims now feels real in its damaging consequences. You are now either bathed in shame and fear, or furious that you can no longer “have your cake and eat it too.” However justified you may feel for your infidelity you know that your world is about to become unravelled. You are about to take the hit for everything wrong with the marriage, and cannot imagine ever being forgiven. If you stay married you imagine a lifetime in the “doghouse.” Whichever end you’re on, the impulse on both sides is often to give up and get a divorce, convinced that healing and reconciliation would be impossible.

As a couples therapist who, for many years has worked with thousands of couples reeling from infidelity, I have a few strong pieces of advice:

Slow down!
Take some deep breaths!
Don’t make any rash decisions now!
Don’t impulsively file for divorce!

Here are some things you may NOT be aware of:

Many marriages can not only be saved, but strengthened after the trauma of infidelity. It requires a lot of determination, hard work, vision, and a good couples therapist the spouses both trust.
Many couples who impulsively divorce deeply regret that decision later on.
Children are often the biggest victims, especially in a contentious divorce.
If you don’t know what direction to take regarding your damaged marriage there is an alternative to couples therapy called Discernment Counseling . This is a brief treatment designed for couples where one spouse is leaning toward a divorce and the other wants to stay married. It is not geared toward tools and skills for repair, but instead focuses on helping partners make a decision about a direction for the marriage. Only trained Discernment Counselors can provide this service.
There are terrific books and support groups for couples wrestling with infidelity.
If you do decide to get a divorce you can have a healing, constructive process through Collaborative Law. Divorce doesn’t have to be an impoverishing dog fight.
There may be hope. There is help.

Anyone in the greater Boston area wanting more information, feel free to contact me at The Couples Center PLLC, in Portsmouth, NH: 603-431-7131 .

Indecision and How it Can Drive You Nuts!

Mon, 17 Aug 2015 19:55:00 GMT

The chocolate chip waffle cone or the coffee sundae? An action movie or a heavy Indie film tonight? Swimming at the beach later, or kayaking on a lake? (Here are some examples of the small stuff many of us sweat, as though world peace depended on it).

Stay in the cushy job with the nasty boss or find a position elsewhere involving less perks but more appreciation and respect? Go to a state school or a private college? Forgive your old friend their insensitive behavior or let them go and find others who feel more conscious? Stay in the tired old marriage, work on repairing it, or move on to greener pastures?

They’re all examples of the kinds of things many of us agonize over, stuck in indecision. The first group, however, are the kinds of decisions nobody would get killed over – so what if you get the chocolate chip cone and forego the coffee sundae? Whether you go to the beach or the lake, if your desire is to be on, around, or in water, you’re good to go, either way! But when indecision becomes a kind of “condition” those different kinds of choices all feel like a plague, creating a kind of frozen “limbo land.”

If you see yourself in this picture, don’t fret! I’ve just had another article published in PsychCentral.com about this very topic, with tips and tools for how to develop your “decision muscles.” And yes, the good news is that its not necessarily a trait you came with at birth – its a skill you can develop with some practice and consciousness. To find the article, “6 Practical Pointers For Being Decisive When it Counts” go to: http://bit.ly/1E0gEqn and stop obsessing!

(Or, if you can’t make up your mind, you could go to my “Media / Press” page to find the link, along with the links to all the other articles I’ve written, or for which I’ve been a contributing writer).

8/5/15 BlogTalk Radio Episode 8:30 PM EST: “The Complications of Coupling: One Man’s Views”

Tue, 04 Aug 2015 02:21:00 GMT

Don’t miss this 45 minute episode! I’ll be interviewing Dr. Charles Rawlings, outspoken author of “It Really Is That Complicated – The Myths That Exist About Male-Female Relationships.” We’ll explore some of his controversial stances about relationships, and how, in his opinion, they center around control, manipulation and bartering.

Call 877-497-9046 to join in the conversation with questions or comments, or to just listen, tune in any time at www.BlogTalkRadio.com

Back from the Wild Blue Yonder!

Mon, 13 Jul 2015 01:41:00 GMT

Well, it’s been more than a month since I checked in here, and it’s not because I’ve lost my interest in you, gentle reader! No, I’ve been preparing for and going through one of the most intense milestones a parent can experience – the wedding of our son, Alec to Erin, the woman he loves (and we love) intensely. What an experience!

If you don’t have children or haven’t yet “married one off,” it’s hard to imagine the buildup of momentum to the “big day.” The outfits, the company, getting the house ready for a week of festivities before and after, the food preparation, the rehearsal dinner, the groomsmen getting dressed and being photographed beforehand, the ceremony, the reception, the pictures, the reviewing of all the events, and then a son who has chosen his mate for life and has gone off to an exotic honeymoon in Madeira. And now, the sweet memories of all those events and the reality of an officially “empty nest”!

This is one of the major milestones in life, not only for a “child,” but certainly for the parents on both sides. It forces you to reflect on your years as a parent, how well you did, individually and together as a couple. It also gives you an opportunity to think about how having this child changed your lives. In our case, I tell people that our life went from color to technicolor, and that having a child can be the most joyful, enriching experience ever! (Plenty of stress, and not cheap, but very joyful)….

This milestone also forces you to accept the “letting go,” recognizing that your child has chosen a mate, and will be creating a new family of their own. It’s bittersweet. You can’t have any illusions about having much control of your child’s choices and destiny. For me, that one is a challenge, as I like to think I’m the leader.

And finally, this transition shifts your focus onto the next chapter of your life as a couple. What are your goals and your dreams? What have you been detoured from because of the all-inclusive task of parenting? What now?

So here I am, back to my regular, everyday life, full of wonderful memories and big dreams…

“Life Your Way” BlogTalk Radio Show 6/3/15 8:30 PM EST

Wed, 03 Jun 2015 04:28:00 GMT

Don’t miss this next show with prize winning author Dr. Amy Wood! Get some great ideas about how to get off the treadmill of an automatic, “shoulds” life, and move more confidently by instinct, lessening the noise and chatter around you, into a happier, more authentic life.

Go to www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager at 8:30 PM EST 6/3/15 and listen in live streaming, or call 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments.

Wednesday, June 3rd 8:30 PM BlogTalk Radio episode “Life Your Way” – A Talk with Author Amy Wood”

Sat, 30 May 2015 22:29:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode, “Life Your Way” – A Talk with Author Amy Wood.” We’ll discuss this prize-winning, vital book which provides a compelling approach on how to manage the constant “Go! Do! Be Better!” stresses of 21st century American life.

Get some really useful insights on how you can use your instincts and intuition to find balance and confidence, and how to move more intentionally toward a happier, more fulfilling life.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join us on the air with questions or comments, or to just listen and benefit from the conversation about such an important topic.

Can’t make the live show? Catch the recording afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Give Yourself a Break!

Tue, 19 May 2015 03:42:00 GMT

It’s been awhile since I’ve checked in here because I’ve been practicing what I preach: giving myself a break. And, you know what? Nobody got killed! I took time to do some light gardening, some socializing with family and friends, some cooking and baking, some Spring organizing, some reading, and some mindless fun. It was totally delightful. For a few weeks no major trainings, no BlogTalk Radio shows, no bookkeeping, no internet work, no professional reading, no raking and mulching, and no blog writing. It was a daily practice of exorcizing my “shoulds,” and I would strongly recommend it to all of you as part of your mental health workout.

People today talk constantly about being too busy, but often don’t challenge the underlying assumptions and automatic or duty-driven behaviors which fuel the compulsive whirlwind of activity. Companies expect employees to be available without limitations, so it exacerbates the perception and experience of busyness as “loyal,” “responsible” and “valued.”

I would invite you however, to step off the emotional treadmill every so often to stop and smell the roses. Be silly, non-“productive,” self indulgent, time “wasting,” and in the moment. Relax, and see what happens…..

Low Sex Drive in Women – What You Need to Know if You’re Over 40

Tue, 21 Apr 2015 02:56:00 GMT

REMINDER! Countdown to my next BlogTalk Radio episode on 4/22/15 8:30 PM EDT. Don’t miss this 45 minute episode if you’re over 40 and couldn’t care less if you ever have sex again. Don’t miss this episode if your husband is pressuring you to take some initiative sexually, and you feel resentful, tired, or blasé.

Find out the myths and the truths about a common issue nobody wants to talk about. Join me and my co-host, Dr. Terri Vanderlinde, an OB- GYN in private practice in Dover, NH. Get out of the dark with some needed information and some TOOLS!

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air to just listen or to share your questions or comments. If you can’t make the live show catch the recording at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

“Low Sex Drive in Women – What You Need to Know if You’re Over 40”: next BlogTalk Radio episode 4/22/15 8:30 PM EDT

Sat, 18 Apr 2015 01:15:00 GMT

Are you a woman over forty with a few noisy kids, a demanding job, a messy house, and an even more sexually demanding husband? Is sex the last thing you’re interested in at the end of another commotion-filled day? Is your husband wondering why you no longer find him irresistible – or thinking maybe you have a lover? Is he cranky, frustrated and feeling rejected? Do you feel more dread and pressure at “bedtime”?

If any of this sounds familiar, realize you’re not alone, and don’t miss my next 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode about this very common problem! I’ll be co-hosting with Dr. Terri Vanderlinde, a board certified OB-GYN in private practice in Dover, NH. She deals with this issue often in her work with women and their partners, so she’s a wealth of information about “low libido” in midlife, what it is and isn’t, and what can be done to deal with it.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments. If you can’t make the live show, catch the recording at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager anytime at your convenience. You (and your husband or partner) will be very glad you did!

Cheers,

Susan

PS. If you and a spouse or partner are wrestling with this issue and want some professional help, feel free to call me for an appointment at 603-431-7131

Retail Meditation

Thu, 16 Apr 2015 14:17:00 GMT

I’ve often teased my husband about how he goes into his “happy place” when he’s fishing, especially from his kayak. He slips into a total trance, paddling softly, examining the shallow water for fish and lures other people have left behind. I could be drowning in the next kayak, or there could be a nuclear holocaust and he’d be completely immersed in a Zen meditative state. (I think he’s in good company with half the planet in this way.)

Well, I’ve noticed something similar about myself and what I think may be true for millions of women: when I’m on a shopping mission searching for a specific item, I’m either in a store or online, totally immersed in the experience, focused and calm, in much the same way as when I play my guitar, maneuver my kayak, ski or garden. I used to think of the shopping as being too material, but I now realize that it’s a form of meditation – retail meditation! Whenever I’m in a store I observe something similar seeming to happen for mostly other women – they sail around with their carts, looking for this or that, with contented smiles on their faces, calm and centered, in what looks like a perfect state of “flow.” I don’t know if they’re on drugs or engaged in compulsive shopping, but they sure seem to be present in the moment!

So, if you engage in the same behavior, and you’re not overspending or avoiding some other responsibility, try not to let your inner critic define the experience as shallow. You may instead be honoring a biologically wired “gathering” instinct and doing a moving meditation. If it centers and calms you, it may be just what you need at that time!

Susan Lager

PS. If you need more help with silencing your judgmental inner critic, feel free to call me for an appointment: 603-431-7131

Self Criticism: Silence It With the Ultimate Nuclear Weapon

Wed, 08 Apr 2015 17:36:00 GMT

Many of us become our own worst enemies by putting ourselves down and focusing on our weaknesses or negative qualities. If you are prone to this, it’s important to know that a bit of self critical thinking can become motivation for positive change and growth, but when you go overboard with it, feeling worthless, incapable of effective action, etc., it prevents you from taking healthy risks because it robs you of confidence in your own capabilities. It raises anxiety and stress, and can lead to depression.

Most of us already know about the importance of learning to accept our mistakes as part of learning, and being kinder and softer to ourselves in general. We’ve also heard a lot about looking for solutions to problems instead of berating ourselves about them. But here is the ultimate nuclear weapon to blast away self criticism: The Howitzer Mantras.

Because self critical talking and behavior is driven by habit and reflex, its important to find words or phrases that are designed to hit the critic like a cannon blast. When you hear your internal critic saying nasty, derogatory things about yourself use a mantra that helps you feel angry and outraged, like “Screw you!,” “Stop this crap!” “Shut up!” “Get off my back!” Use the anger and indignation as a productive way to drown out the critic. Yell out loud if you can, but most importantly, mentally shout the mantras at the critic.

If using the mantras alone is insufficient, take a stronger measure by putting a rubber band around your wrist and snap it while subvocalizing your mantra. By doing this you’re emphasizing your stop commands and making thought interruption more likely. The sharp, stinging sensation breaks the chain of negative thoughts and acts as a punisher so that the critic is less likely to attack in the near future.

Try this method as a routine way to silence your damning critic and you’ll be amazed at the results!

“The Art of a Good Apology” – BlogTalk Radio show Wed., 3/25/15 8:30 PM EDT

Tue, 24 Mar 2015 02:53:00 GMT

Do you say you’re sorry when you’ve behaved badly? If you do, do you apologize well ? If you’re not sure and you’d like to learn something about how to apologize in a heartfelt way which has a healing effect on the other person, then you won’t want to miss my next half hour BlogTalk Radio episode tomorrow night!

We all do or say things at times which call for an apology when we feel we’ve hurt someone. Knowing how to apologize in a way which creates healing and meaningful repair requires an understanding of the importance of timing, as well as the key elements of an effective apology. This is what you’ll learn by tuning into this episode.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments. If you prefer, you can catch the episode live streaming, or you can listen to the recording afterward by going to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

I hope you can join me!

Come to the Northeast Where We’re All Going Crazy! Join the Party!

Thu, 19 Feb 2015 05:13:00 GMT

Here in southern Maine we just got hit with another four inches of snow, with possibly another nine more by tomorrow. Not to mention the next massive snow and ice storm coming this weekend, so total accumulations are approaching a cozy eight feet! Today was a balmy 25 degrees after daily averages well below zero. The new fun pastimes up here are shoveling, snow-blowing, roof raking, clearing our vents, blowing our noses, watching our pipes freeze, cleaning off our ice-crusted cars, fighting for parking “spaces,” and watching our pets go psychotic indoors. It’s a g*ddam party! Come to the Northeast, see the sights and join the fun!

“Trauma Sensitive Yoga” BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8:30PM EST

Thu, 05 Feb 2015 19:50:00 GMT

Only 5 1/2 hours until this next 45 minute episode packed full of information about this unique form of Yoga! Tune in and learn about how this practice can address the aftereffects of all sorts of traumatic events!

Join my expert guest Lisa Boldin and me live on the air with questions or comments. Call toll-free: 877-497-9046 or tune in live streaming at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

If you can’t make the live show, catch the recording at the above site. You DON’T want to miss this vital show if you:

are a combat veteran

are a victim of sexual or physical or emotional abuse

have experienced a traumatic loss

have felt unsafe for any of a number of reasons

want or need skills and tools to calm down and feel empowered

I hope you can join us!

Just Do It!

Sun, 01 Feb 2015 01:37:00 GMT

Here’s another testimony to not overthinking things – This morning it was 14 degrees before we left for skiing, trying not to think about how we might freeze our butts on the slopes in the mountains. Instead, we decided to “just do it,” to go skiing anyway, knowing that, dressed properly, we’d have a good time and be happy afterward that we hadn’t decided to be sloths on this beautiful, sunny, frigid New England day. And, what a payoff! 15 degrees at the warmest, but beautiful conditions, and half empty slopes with people heading off to SuperBowl parties! Me, on my new shaped skis, “flying” down the mountain, even keeping up with my speedster husband who’s fearless on skis. What’s the moral of this story? Just do it! Don’t overthink things unless you’re a rocket scientist, or the “hassle factor” will allow you to talk yourself out of all kinds of joyful experiences. That’s right – JUST DO IT!

“Healing Trauma Through Yoga – Hope for Survivors” BTR Show 2/5/15 8:30 PM EST

Sat, 31 Jan 2015 19:12:00 GMT

I’m very excited to announce this upcoming BlogTalk Radio episode about Trauma Sensitive Yoga with Lisa Boldin, a graduate of the Kripalu School of Ayurveda, and specialist practitioner in this unique form of Yoga.

In this episode we’ll discuss the unique advantages of Trauma Sensitive Yoga for anyone who is struggling with anxiety, emotional stress, or trauma related to experiences such as sexual assault, military combat, or domestic violence.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to share comments or ask questions about this Yoga. Or, listen live streaming (or later to the recording) at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager where you will learn more about how and why this practice offers unique benefits for coping with PTSD. You won’t want to miss this show!

Don’t Know if You Should Leave or Stay?

Mon, 26 Jan 2015 23:42:00 GMT

(It’s not a live link – I’m working on that)………

“Divorce ambivalence” is not uncommon when spouses have been together long enough to have experienced toxic, patterned struggles. Often, one partner ends up having more energy to work on the marriage, while the other partner is leaning toward a divorce. In that situation traditional marriage counseling generally isn’t helpful, as both spouses aren’t in a place of readiness for “tools” and “skills.” The process often creates undue pressure for the “leaning out” spouse, and false hope for the “leaning in” spouse.

This is where Discernment Counseling is a more appropriate service. It’s a one to five session brief treatment aimed to help “mixed agenda” couples come to a clear, confident decision about a direction for the marriage. To learn more, go to my site www.susanlager.com then I’ll be glad to talk to you about setting up an appointment. You DON’T have to stay stuck in a stalemate!

Overthinking It

Sat, 17 Jan 2015 19:57:00 GMT

It’s been about a month since I’ve posted, and I’m happy to say, I’m back! With the holiday busyness, a surprising surge of clients, a nasty virus and some minor surgery, it feels like my life got hijacked.

But, there was also another culprit responsible for my absence: overthinking! I’m somewhat of a perfectionist to begin with, so my mind tends to over-review details in an effort to get things right, or just so. What prompted this post however, were two situations in particular: learning Quickbooks to enter details about my business expenses for my accountant, and a return to skiing for the first time this season.

Quickbooks is a ripe medium for overthinking: tons of little details with specific ways to enter information appropriately. I thought I’d learn to do it myself rather than spend the time and money outsourcing it to a bookkeeper. What I found is that it’s an arena with loads of uncertainties if you’re a beginner, especially not a financial professional. So it’s been about a month of torture, with countless hours of entries, checking and rechecking, all on weekends when “normal” people are having some fun! Here’s what Psychology Today says about overthinking:

“The human mind hates uncertainty. Uncertainty implies volatility, randomness, and danger. When we notice information is missing, our brain raises a metaphorical red flag and says, “Pay attention. This could be important…” When data is missing, we overestimate its value. Our mind assumes that since we are expending resources locating information, it must be useful.”

(So there I was)…..

Then I went skiing again for the first time this season on my new “shaped” skis, and found myself reviewing all the instructions about proper form and perfectly executed turns I’d learned from lessons in the past. It took me about five runs before it occurred to me to just have some fun and let muscle memory set in. The ensuing runs were exuberant, and nobody got killed!

So here are a few of my antidotes for overthinking things:

Just do it! Take action, be willing to make “mistakes,” and be in the moment of the experience, so you get out of your head. If you’re overthinking your motivation, then make your motivation the “caboose,” not the “locomotive.” You can think about your motivation on the tail end after you’ve taken action – i.e., as with exercise.
Distract an overactive mind by directing your attention elsewhere – focus on the desired end result you imagine, like with skiing, do some mental rehearsal, envisioning yourself flying down the mountain with joy, rather than obsessing on the details of each turn.
Practice regular meditation, daily exercise, and when all else fails, get some medication to calm down your obsessional thinking.

So, for all of us over thinkers the task is also to accept that life is filled with uncertainty, to trust that uncertainties usually won’t kill us, and to relinquish our illusions of control. It’s an Eastern thing….

Cheers,

Susan

“How To Avoid Some Really Bad Decisions in 2015” BTR show 12/10/14 8:30 PM

Mon, 08 Dec 2014 04:17:00 GMT

If you’d like to know the difference between a “mistake” (what politicians and celebrities call the rude gaffs they make), and a “bad decision,” then don’t miss my next half hour BlogTalk Radio show. If you’d like to avoid making some bad decisions of your own in the new year, tune in and get the tools!

Call toll-free: 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions (there’s no such thing as a stupid one), and comments. If you can’t make the live show, catch the recording at: http://bit.ly/1A9JSvY

Talk About Being Thankful!

Sun, 30 Nov 2014 21:40:00 GMT

If you live in the Northeast and your landscape looked anything like this on Thanksgiving, chances are the experience of gratitude took on a whole new meaning this year! When was the last time you felt extremely thankful for having the prerogative to wash your hands with warm running water, or to flush a toilet after doing your business? Or, have you felt thankful for the ability to roast a turkey in the oven properly and not heat up a measly chicken on the grill, after mushing through a foot of snow to get there? Do you routinely want to marry the generator repairman just because he shows up in a timely way? (This time, in the middle of Thanksgiving day!) Are you very grateful when your quirky family shows up, alive ? How about feeling thankful for having lights and heat on, simultaneously? Well, I sure was this holiday!

Maybe the universe laughed at us, delivering a big message in an inconvenient but timely way, wacking us with a N’oreaster right in the middle of a holiday geared toward being more thankful. Message understood, thank you….

Upcoming BlogTalk Radio Episode 11/12/14: “Dealing with Toxic Relatives During the Holidays”

Mon, 10 Nov 2014 05:00:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next half hour BlogTalk Radio episode “Dealing with Toxic Relatives During the Holidays” on Wednesday, November 12th at 8:30 PM EST. I’ll be sharing some key strategies for managing the “emotional vampires” who may be sitting at the table with you, ready to suck the life out of the party. Tune in and get some vital tools to “hold onto yourself,” preserving a sense of peace and enjoyment during these events.

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions, comments, or ideas of your own. If the lines are busy, call the regular number: 760-542-4114 . I look forward to your being there!

Finally Time for Some Fun!

Fri, 07 Nov 2014 06:22:00 GMT

It’s been way too long since I’ve checked in here with all you folks! It’s been a very busy Fall with new clients signing on, several of whom have been Discernment Counseling couples. Then on weekends I’ve been doing the “end of corporate year” drill, preparing tax figures for my accountant – one of my most hated things to do in life. On top of that, add on changing from Summer to Fall clothes, schlepping boxes down from the attic (I live in a lovely older house with pathetic closet space). Then, mix in Fall chores, cleaning up the gardens, putting away summer fun stuff (again, up in an attic, this time the one above the garage). Into the mix add on a new workout regime designed to strengthen my healing broken ankle – no fun there, mostly a torture invention on a Bosu Ball, designed by Janet, the Nazi trainer. (Only kidding – she’s a sweetie pie). Then, mix in appliance breakdowns needing repair, Fall soup cooking, and of course, the perennial website glitches, like, what ever happened to my damned footer????!!!! And, why won’t TinyMCE allow me to insert images anymore? Not to mention the newest problem with links! (Don’t get me going – the good, amazing news is that I got all the previous stuff done, AND figured out how to insert HTML code into my posts! Victory! Perseverance wins!

So, here I am, back again, happy to say hello, and ready for some serious FUN again. Let the games begin…..:-)

Cheers,

Susan

P.S. Part of the “fun” for me will be bringing you ideas about relationship issues and scheduling my next BlogTalk Radio episode with my friend and colleague, Meredith Richardson, this coming Wednesday, November 12th. Stay tuned for the topic announcement.

Don’t miss tonight’s BlogTalk Radio show: “Sex Therapy Online – Is It For You?” 8:30 PM EST

Wed, 15 Oct 2014 23:52:00 GMT

You don’t want to miss this episode tonight at 8:30 PM! My guest will be Rhiannon Beauregard, an experienced sex therapist in New England who’s entire practice is now online! We’ll discuss what sex therapy is and is not, when someone might be a candidate for this form of treatment, and the advantages of doing it online.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 , or if the lines are busy, call 760-542-4114 to join us live. Call in with a question or a comment, and hear from an expert. Hope you can make it! (If you can’t make the live show, catch the recording at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanlager .)

Sex Therapy Online – Is It For You? Find Out on My Next BlogTalk Radio Episode Wed. 10/15 8:30 PM EST

Mon, 13 Oct 2014 02:30:00 GMT

I have a really exciting half hour BlogTalk Radio episode coming up this Wednesday, October 15th at 8:30 PM EST! The show title is “Sex Therapy Online – Is It For You”? My guest will be Rhiannon Beauregard, a certified sex therapist, who will be talking about online sex therapy, what it is, how it works, and when it might be the most useful form of treatment. Call in with questions or comments toll-free 877-497-9046 , or if the lines are busy call 760-542-4114 . Hope you can be there live!

Tired of Waiting for Time Off? Use “Time On” Instead!

Sun, 05 Oct 2014 02:48:00 GMT

As the seasons change, many people I know are bemoaning the loss of “time off” they’ve had in the summer. There’s an obvious feeling of ambivalence about the upcoming season of busyness and social obligations dovetailing with work and family responsibilities. People tend to dread being over scheduled and deprived of personal time to self-nurture or play. The myth we seem to have bought into in the American culture is that one needs to be on vacation to fully experience joy, spontaneity, discovery and meaningful connection.

I invite you instead, to explore the experience of what I call “time on,” or living your everyday life with more wonder, appreciation and joy. Start by regularly taking a “snapshot” of the present moment – notice your breathing, the air on your skin, the color of the sky, the sound of the wind in the leaves. Notice the quality of the conversation and connection with the person facing you. Take a “snapshot” of this sharing as it is unfolding. Savor it. Drive more slowly and take in the tones of the changing season. Take a “snapshot” of that field of hay, or the person trying to get somewhere in the car next to you. Take a risk and smile at them and your common circumstance. Be more playful with yourself and those around you. Laugh at yourself more often. Be physical – dance, walk, run, move! Appreciate the daily work your body does for you, and treat it with kindness and compassion. Stop, and pet your dog or your cat if you have one. It will be good for both of you. Pick a wildflower and stick it in your hair. Write a poem, play an instrument. Turn off your automatic TV watching, and read a good book or listen to a symphony.

Just be present for your life each day, not just for one or two weeks of vacation in the summer. Use your “time on,” your everyday life, to be cognizant of, and grateful for your blessings. You’ll be a much happier person…….

Cheers,

Susan

PS. Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist and eloquent writer, is a terrific resource for the issues of happiness, staying present and in the “now.” You can get any of his wonderful books on these subjects at my Amazon store by going to: http://astore.amazon.com/wwwsusanlagec-20

End of Summer 2014 – Here Comes Winter……….

Thu, 02 Oct 2014 04:10:00 GMT

Here it is October 1st, the leaves are falling, the temperature has dropped radically, and most noticeably, it’s getting dark at about 5:30 PM. No doubt about it, the summer of 2014 has come and gone. Before we know it, we’ll be bundled up in winter coats, shoveling or snow-blowing our driveways, freezing our butts getting into frigid cars, sliding around on icy walkways, looking at a grey and white landscape and hiding out indoors. I love it!

When I admit that, everyone I know, (except for one sleepy client today), looks at me like I have two heads. They freely complain about all the above developments, expecting me to commiserate, and when instead I get all warm and fuzzy about the upcoming six-month winter, they probably begin to wonder if they’re sitting with a sane person. Some never come back for another session…

I’m convinced that I have the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) – the condition in which some people’s brain chemistry shifts into depressive mode around the lowered level and duration of light in the colder months. For me, I get happier as the skies get grayer and the weather gets murkier. I call it “sultry” weather – nice and cloudy and real chilly. It reminds me of happy adventures in Ireland and England. It may also be some nostalgic fragment of genetic memory from my slavic ancestry, harkening me back to the cold, dark weather in Russia and Poland where my grandparents grew up. Or, maybe I really am psychotic. But whatever the origin, I’ll share some reasons why you too might look forward to the six month “winter” we’re famous for here in Maine, instead of getting all bummed out about it:

If it was warm and sunny all the time you’d lose the excitement about seasonal changes
When it’s murky and cold out there’s no pressure to do fabulous things outdoors
Grey, cold days give you space to be still and contemplative, less busy and frenetic
There’s no need for air conditioners, fans, and other costly energy hogs
You don’t have to tend to your garden or your lawn when there’s 2 feet of snow outside
Without the chill of winter you’d never have an excuse to wear all those groovy boots
Baths and hot tubs are much more delectable when you’re freezing your ass
You have much more reason to tuck in with a good movie, book or instrument
How would you ever experience the joy of skiing or snowshoeing without the snow?
Without winter there would be no savoring of good soups, stews or comfort food
There’s no earthly joy like climbing under a cozy down quilt when it’s frigid outside
Monotone landscapes rest your eyes and brain from all those vibrant summer colors
You pet your thankful dog, cat or hamster more when you’re hanging out indoors
You have more time to read deep, thought-provoking blogs like this one

What more can I say?

So, if you have S.A .D. and are starting to get depressed facing the arctic blast, get one of those special lights to reset your brain chemistry, sit back and relax!

When Things Fall Apart: BlogTalk Radio Episode 9/17/14 8:30 PM EST

Wed, 17 Sep 2014 22:12:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode tonight about the subject of dealing with life when things fall apart. We’ve all had the experience at times of dealing with crises which create a sense of chaos and uncertainty – maybe the loss of a loved one, or a debilitating health issue, or the loss of a job or business. It always feels horrible and destabilizing, and often creates a story of victimhood or bitterness for us. But the fact is that misery is just another part of life – it inevitably comes with the joy, relief, and triumph that are also part of our story.

Tune into this half hour episode tonight and join the discussion or just listen in, and hear about some attitudes and behavioral tools which may help you to accept some of these hardships as part of being human, and move through these experiences with more wisdom and perspective. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 , or if the lines are busy call 760-542-4114 . I hope you can join me! If you can’t make the live show, listen to it online at your convenience by going to the web player on my website, www.SusanLager.com or at www.BlogTalkRadio/SusanLager.com

Automate To De-stress

Thu, 28 Aug 2014 00:12:00 GMT

My husband Thom has a weird evening ritual, which when I first noticed it, made me worry that he was morphing into an old Bubby. Before going to bed he puts a clean pan and spatula on the stove, puts two plates next to it on the cutting board, silverware on top, and places napkins to the side. It’s obvious that he’s setting up breakfast prep for the next morning, but when I asked him why he wouldn’t just do such a simple thing in the morning, he’s told me that it’s one less thing for him to think about when he has to get out the door early. This is a simple form of automation which obviously reduces his stress level the next day. It would take about thirty seconds to do it then, but the automated preparation takes it out of his head and allows him thirty more seconds of relaxation so he can ease into the day more comfortably – “old Bubby” or smart?

Think about what effect it would have if you too automated more “work” functions in this way:

laying out your clothes the night before going to work
removing wet towels and washcloths after a shower
checking emails at a regular time each day
doing a workout without thinking about your motivation
putting dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher, not the sink
applying sunscreen routinely during your morning toilette

etc., etc., etc…….

Stress management specialists say that the more things you take out of your head to remember or track or do, especially under time constraints, the less stressed you will be. So, think about what you might automate the way Thom does for his morning routine, and see what happens!

Being Nice To Your Body

Wed, 20 Aug 2014 17:01:00 GMT

As you may be aware from my last post, “Zippy Goes Down,” I had an accident several weeks ago, resulting in a broken ankle. It’s required me to be hobbling around on an aircast when I have to move about, and to be mindful of each step, mindful of how much I rest, and to pay attention to the effects of all of this on, not only my foot, but my whole body. Aside from the lessons I’ve been learning about letting go, relaxing, and resilience, the experience has been teaching me something unexpected – to be more compassionate toward my body as it heals. This is something almost foreign for many women in America, who chronically complain about the size of their thighs, breasts, hips, etc., and compulsively beat their bodies into submission through crazy diets and brutal exercise regimens.

As I’ve watched my ankle grow stronger and seen the x-rays showing the healing bone, I’ve been amazed at the capacity of the human body, my body to bounce back with some TLC. It’s made me think back to the amazement and respect I felt for my body after giving birth to our son without incident. ( I did that?! ) It’s also made me much more appreciative of all the other things my loyal body does for me, usually without complaint every single day. So, I’ve made it my mission to befriend my body, as I think we all should, by being mindful of treating it with respect every day, appreciating it the way I would a trusted friend, and listening to it and the messages it gives me daily.

For a terrific little exercise about how to do this well, get Rick Hanson’s book “Just One Thing” for all the details. You can find it through the “Store” page of my website, then go to “My Amazon Store” and click on the link to Amazon. You don’t have to wait to break an ankle or an arm to do it. Cultivate compassion for your body (and yourself!) and your body will thank you back for a lifetime.

Zippy Goes Down

Sun, 03 Aug 2014 01:28:00 GMT

I am fondly referred to in my family as “Zippy” because I do everything really FAST. They call me the “Nazi Walker” because nobody can keep up with me. I’ve been known as the “speed gardener,” famous for a few inadvertant self stabs in the eye with thorns when rushing through hedge trimming. (See blogpost “Speed Gardening and the Revenge of the Sandcherry”). I talk fast, I eat fast, I write fast, I even do Yoga fast. I can’t help it – I’m from New York, and many people there are the same way. But today, Zippy went down, trying out a new pair of running shoes in the house at full speed going around corners.

You might ask: “Are you an idiot? What’s the rush?” But it’s the way I’m wired, and I figure I save loads of time zipping through laundry, dishes, bills, workouts, etc. I’m entering my “last chapter” of life, so there’s no time to waste – I have too much to do!

The side benefit of this injury today, (I probably fractured my ankle), was that I had to STOP everything, laze around, resting, icing, compressing and elevating my foot. No removing brush for my husband who would be chopping down mammoth trees, no uprooting unsightly bushes, killing Japanese beetles, cooking for the next few days, folding laundry, buying another router from Best Buy, running in my new sneakers, nada. Just vegging out, nursing my injury and spending nine hours (!) online setting up my new Amazon Store. So you, lucky reader, now have the benefit of lazy shopping for good reads from your couch on my Amazon Store page! If you’re in too much of a rush to look for it on this site, go to: http://wp.me/P1ayQF-Vc (I’ve been wanting to set it up for months, but I’m usually zipping around doing everything else). Sometimes sitting still has it’s benefits…..

Discernment Counseling Update – Some Results and Impressions

Wed, 30 Jul 2014 04:37:00 GMT

I’ve been doing Discernment Counseling for several months at this point. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it’s a form of treatment specially designed for “mixed agenda” couples, where one person wants to continue the relationship and has hope for improving it, and the other person feels done and is “leaning out,” but hasn’t yet pulled the plug. It’s a one to five session form of treatment geared to help the couple move toward one of three choices: stay in the status quo, or break up, or do the work of reconciliation. It’s a decisional therapy, not regular couples therapy which presumes mutual energy and commitment toward improving the relationship. It is designed to help “couples on the brink” avoid the time, expense and frustration of half-hearted couples therapy). I can tell you right now that it works! I don’t yet have any hard statistics, but in my experience so far I’ve found that this way of working really resonates for couples in this dilemma for the following reasons, among many:

Both partners tend to feel understood and honored, as nobody is being “sold” the continuation of the relationship. Instead, the three paths are intricately explored, with each partner exploring their own part in the negative history, as well as in possibilities for change of any kind.
The “leaning out” partner doesn’t feel pursued or pressured to stay in the relationship by the therapist (who often in regular couples therapy would mirror the pursuit of the “leaning in” partner by encouraging strategies for improving things). Instead, they are given space to explore any ambivalence they may have about moving on, as well as space to look at their own contributions to the situation.
The “leaning in” partner is helped to look at how to bring their best self to the work, and not humiliate themself in the process, as well as exploring their understanding and willingness to address their partner’s concerns.
Clients report really appreciating the format, where we begin the session by meeting all together, then each is seen individually while the other leaves the room, ending with us all reconvening so partners can share their thoughts and feelings about what they have each gained or taken from their individual sessions. I get regular feedback about how each person feels safer having their own time with me to look at the issues, and what they want to convey to their partner about what they’ve learned.
I observe a tremendous lessening of defensiveness and commotion without both partners in the room at all times, given free reign to talk at each other. There is very strict protocol for each segment of the sessions. This is not a free-for-all, duplicating the toxic dance the couple has already been doing. It’s a carefully guided exploration.
So far, this form of treatment has moved most seemingly intractable couples toward a more solid, trusted decision about their future relationship.

I am in the process of pursuing advanced training in this work, so I can envision ironing out some of the kinks which come up, like the time management piece – (there’s lots to cover in a particular sequence each session, something a bit foreign to my more organic way of working). There are also unique dilemmas presented by each couple which require attention and sensitivity. We’re nowhere near perfect, but Discernment Counseling is experienced as a whole different thing by couples on the brink of a split.

For any “mixed agenda” couple interested in getting out of a stalemate around the direction of your relationship, feel free to contact me in my Portsmouth office to further discuss the possibility of doing Discernment Counseling with me. I have some openings at this point, but expect that as we move into the Fall my availability will be much more limited, as it usually is when Summer ends.

Hats Off to Market Basket Employees And Their Champion, Arthur T. Demoulas

Fri, 25 Jul 2014 03:48:00 GMT

If you live in New England as I do, unless you’ve been hanging out under a rock, you’re probably aware of the enormous drama playing out between the employees of the Market Basket supermarket chain and the corporate players who orchestrated a hostile takeover of the company, away from Arthur T. Demoulas, the beloved CEO of many years.

Apparently, a relative, Arthur S Demoulas, was instrumental in the takeover, playing out an old, generational financial feud with the Arthur T. side of the family. The feud has unfolded now into the current vision for the supermarket chain, with Arthur T. representing a more humanistic, personal, more employee-friendly and neighborhood-friendly mission for the company, while Arthur S. is viewed as the embodiment of corporate greed, planning to radically raise prices, and streamline employee policies, among other things.

What has been amazing to watch as a consumer and as a therapist, is the level of love, loyalty and support this ousted family-friendly CEO has garnered from not only employees, but shoppers all over New England. The unfolding “strike” among non-unionized workers, and the boycott of all the stores, lobbying for Arthur T.’s reinstatement, has been an awe inspiring example of what can happen when people have felt respected and cared about – how they will risk everything to stand up for people who represent ideals which are important to them, especially when those values are now threatened. This unfolding drama also illustrates how much difference one person can make in a system, how much impact we all potentially can have!

I would think it would be a wake up call for all employers about the huge impact treating their employees well can have, not only on morale, but also on the profitability of their businesses. Happy employees = good business. Employers who think they can motivate their staff with bullying, intimidation, and punishments are themselves relics of the Dark Ages. Inevitably, they will fail because employees need to feel appreciated, respected and defended, otherwise they will understandably be disloyal and unproductive.

And so, hats off to Arthur T., and to all you Market Basket employees for your courage, tenacity, and loyalty, in standing up for what your deserve and what you value. May you and Arthur T. prevail! ….And may all the rest of us take inspiration from your example.

BlogTalk Radio show tonight: “Do You or Does Anyone You Love Have A Drinking Problem?”

Wed, 02 Jul 2014 12:35:00 GMT

If you’ve wondered if you or anyone you love has a drinking problem, then you should tune into this next half hour episode. I’ll be discussing the issues around problematic drinking, and going through one of the standard tests: The Michigan Alcohol Screening Test. I’ll also share information about a self-test for blood alcohol level to help you take the guess work out of what’s “too much” booze.

I thought that at this time, right before July 4th weekend and the summer of parties and social events, it would be a good opportunity to put this issue on the table. Many of my clients are already worried about how a loved one (or themself) will behave, given the time of year and all the social permission to drink excessively.

So, tune in at 8:30 PM EST by calling toll-free 877-497-9046 or if the lines are busy call 760-542-4114 to join me on the air with questions or comments. I’d love to have you, but if you can’t make the live show, catch the recording at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum anytime at your convenience.

All my best,

Susan Lager

Leaving Your Comfort Zone

Tue, 01 Jul 2014 17:42:00 GMT

I’ve recently returned from a Couples Retreat I conducted with Meredith Richardson on Star Island, NH. Suffice it to say that the whole experience was a smashing success for not only the couples who participated, but for Meredith and myself as well.

For the couples who participated it was an exercise in moving out of their own routinized ways of seeing issues and behaving with each other. It was also an exercise in opening up with the other participants, and being vulnerable in a more public way. For me, it was an experience of leaving my own comfort zone in several ways: staying on an island for several days with a bunch of strangers, working closely with a colleague who brought very different credentials, skill sets, and ways of operating, and “roughing it” in a rustic setting without hot water, without a private bathroom, with limited shower times, and with “community meals.” And guess what? No one got killed!

As a therapist I understand the value of trying new things toward creating new “grooves” in your brain, and even how novelty can ramp up pleasure and bonding for couples. I was reminded in a direct way however, about how valuable it can be to move out of one’s comfort zone, challenge the status quo, and to try new things in the service of growth. Unless you’re jumping off a cliff, what have you got to lose?

(Now, stay tuned for more terrific Couples Retreats on and off the coast of New Hampshire and Maine)……

How Was Your Father’s Day?

Mon, 16 Jun 2014 04:24:00 GMT

For all you fathers out there, I hope your wives and children honored you on this, your special day. I hope you were reminded of how loved and needed your are, and how important your place is in the family.

Many fathers in our culture feel taken for granted or overlooked regarding their contributions to their families, as mothers are often more visible as “caregivers” to their families, even if they work at full time jobs outside the home. The nurturing role of moms is usually clear, with the role for dads, outside of helping to provide financially for their families, often less obvious. Rest assured, however, that dads are nurturers too, each in their own way. People who have had loving, engaged fathers generally feel that their dad’s presence was vital to the family unit, as well as to their own self esteem and growth. Daughters get their initial template for male strength and love, one which clearly shapes their future partnerships, and sons are provided with a model about how to be man, a husband, and a father in our culture. Wives learn with their husbands about commitment, perspective, resilience and teamwork in the raising of children.

So, if you’re an engaged, loving Dad, celebrate yourself today with the rest of us! (If you haven’t been engaged or loving enough, remember that as long as you’re breathing you can always do better!)

Happy Birthday To Me!

Wed, 04 Jun 2014 02:24:00 GMT

Believe it or not, another year has passed, and today was my birthday (along with all the other “June 4th Gemini”s out there). Surreal how time inexorably marches on. Had a good day, as we all should on our birthdays. Engaged in some significant self-honoring activities, as we all should. Felt honored and loved by the key people in my life. Reminded, once again, how insignificant each of us is in the grand scheme of things, yet how significant an impact we can make, in spite of our smallness. I also think: this is the youngest you will ever be for the rest of your life – enjoy it! Happy Birthday to me.

Technical Difficulties

Fri, 30 May 2014 04:39:00 GMT

I am a person who likes to feel in control. When I sign onto things, I like to think I can count on certain outcomes. Maybe I’m rigid.

Case in point: I am the host of a BlogTalk Radio show called The Couplespeak™ Relationship Forum. I’ve been doing the show for more than three years, have interviewed lots of fascinating guests, and have prided myself on being well prepared with an understanding of the issues, and questions that don’t seem totally moronic. What I don’t count on is encouraging callers to use the 877 toll-free line, then having them reach dead air, nada. Or, when I purchase a transcript of one of the shows, I don’t expect it to read like hieroglyphics! What drives me crazy at this point in my life is dealing with products and services like this where all the tech support people are lovely, helpful and earnest, but the technical realities seem to come from the Stone Age!

Am I the only one who doesn’t understand why suddenly the hugely expensive universal remote in the master bedroom no longer turns on the “PVR”? (whatever that is). Or, why the answering machine has decided not to answer? Is it just me, or have you too wanted to throw your fax machine out the window when it takes hours to connect, then suddenly stops giving you a “transmission report”? Not to mention my office microwave which inexplicably now takes two minutes to heat up a warm cup of coffee. Oh, I forgot – how about my wireless landline phone which now magically flicks off of “speakerphone” mode in the middle of a call? Is it unrealistic to expect that if I don’t log off of the Square app on my phone, that I wouldn’t have to log back in after the last transaction thirty seconds ago? Is it too much to ask that if I’ve set my alarm for 8 AM that I could change that to 8:10 if I want to snooze some more?

Am I the only one with such maddening, baffling and pervasive technical difficulties? Am I just too rigid in my expectations, or have I mysteriously landed on another planet?

BlogTalk Radio Episode: “What’s Your Conflict Style?” Wednesday 5/28/14 8:30 PM EST

Mon, 26 May 2014 15:32:00 GMT

In this 45 minutes episode, Susan Lager co-hosts with Meredith Richardson, a collaborative lawyer, mediator and conflict coach on the Southern New England coast. Hosting other events together, such as couples retreats, the two women bring their own spin to the issue of conflict in marriage as well as in friendships and in the workplace. Lager and Richardson explore the different conflict styles, and explore how each of us learns to manage conflict based on earlier experiences and adaptations to those environments.

Find out what triggers you and why, and how you manage it well or badly.
Take one of the recommended Conflict Quizes to find out more about your own conflict style
Get some ideas for avoiding the “same old fight'” with your partner! Get a head’s up on getting along better with your spouse, friends, and co-workers!

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 EST to just listen in, or to join the conversation on the air with questions or comments. Don’t miss this one – it should be lively!

Who is “Donotreply”?

Thu, 22 May 2014 03:43:00 GMT

Ever get an email from sender “Donotreply”? Well, I do, and whenever I get one, I wonder, WHO IS SHE? Why does she keep sending me messages? Did we ever meet, and maybe I forgot about it? Or maybe she’s been spying on me, reading my other email messages, figuring I need a little excitement. Maybe she’s a long lost cousin from Russia, a bit shy, wanting to reunite the family. Or maybe she’s a neighbor f**ck#ng around with my head, thinking I make her look bad, with all my regular speed walks. I wonder where she lives? Is she a cyber-creature lurking somewhere between the words? Or maybe she hides out next to the crumbs between the couch seat cushions. I go to bed at night wondering if she’s lonely and just wants to play. I wake up to find she’s sent me more emails: “Do this…… Do that……. Click on this link…….Go to this page…………” (If nothing else, she’s very bossy).

I fear going to my grave, failing to answer this question: “Who is Donotreply?!!!!

Don’t Miss My BlogTalk Radio episode Wed., 5/14 8:30 PM EST! “The Five Love Languages: Are You Speaking The Right One To Your Partner?”

Wed, 14 May 2014 04:41:00 GMT

Get home from work tomorrow night, pour a glass of wine, put your feet up and call into my half hour BlogTalk Radio Episode: “The Five Love Languages: Are You Speaking The Right One To Your Partner?”

Learn about the five basic ways through which most humans feel loved and appreciated, and most importantly identify the two primary “languages” for you and your spouse or partner.

Learn how to get the love you want, and how to give the love you feel in ways which finally translate!

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments. Let’s make it a conversation! If you’d prefer, you can catch the show live streaming by going to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Take The Long View

Tue, 06 May 2014 01:39:00 GMT

My husband Thom is going in for a colonoscopy tomorrow afternoon. “Ugh!” is the most apt description for the procedure that we both agreed upon. For me, the event evokes memories of drinking liters (not cups!) of disgusting gel-like fluid all night before the procedure, no food allowed, getting sick to my stomach, and feeling certain I’d have an accident in the car en route to the hospital. Then there’s the idea of a team of people probing around your rear end, hopefully to find nothing meaningful, and afterward, inconveniencing an adult to drive you home, then being the butt (no pun intended), of a bunch of ass jokes.

This is the kind of situation where the only sane way to deal with it, in my opinion, is to take the long view – to focus off the immediate discomforts and indignities, and focus instead on the big picture of good self-care, early detection if there’s a cancerous mass, and the ultimate benefits of having to shell out the copays for one’s expensive health insurance. Period.

There are lots of other events and circumstances in life which fit in this category: divorce, paying taxes, yard work, confronting a loved one about a hurtful exchange, exercise, proper diet, paying bills, getting to bed on time, cleaning the house, etc…….

So, as with the discomforts and horrors of a colonoscopy, trust that you will greatly improve your perspective by being wise enough to take the long view!

Re-rescheduled BlogTalk Radio Episode “Why Are You So Angry?” to Wed. 4/30 8:30 PM

Tue, 29 Apr 2014 13:03:00 GMT

Due to technical difficulties with the 3/26 BTR episode, and other technical problems on 4/16 (!), this episode has once AGAIN been rescheduled, so join us please on Wednesday, April 30th at 8:30 PM EST for an episode you won’t regret being diligent enough to attend. The “bugs” have been fixed, so the show will air.

In this 45 minute episode, I will co-host with Meredith Richardson, Esq., a collaborative lawyer and conflict coach in New Hampshire and Maine. Together we’ll explore anger, and how it plays out in healthy vs. unhealthy ways in relationships.

Tune in and get a better perspective on the markers of unhealthy anger. Learn some quick tips for calming things down when they might be escalating uncomfortably. (If you’ve been really ticked off about this second rescheduling, we understand, but may be able to help you manage your anger better!)

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join in live on the air with questions or comments.

Hope you can tune in!

Susan Lager

“Divorce And Money: What Couples On The Brink Of Divorce Need To Know” (BlogTalk Radio Show 4/9/14 8:30 PM EST)

Sun, 06 Apr 2014 19:49:00 GMT

If you and a spouse are contemplating a split, then you don’t want to miss this half hour BlogTalk Radio episode of mine! I’ll be co-hosting with Heather Brountas, a feisty and smart financial planner with Ameriprise, discussing vital issues around divorce and finances. We’ll deal with common myths people hold about this subject, the most common mistakes people make related to finances in a divorce, and some critical things to be aware of, to do the best planning and most fair division of assets.

Divorce is enough of an upheaval without adding ignorance and unnecessary panic to the process.

So tune in on Wednesday, April 9th at 8:30 PM EST for half an hour on BlogTalk Radio.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in or to join us on the air with questions or comments. We welcome your participation.

*If you can’t make the live show, listen to the recording at: Divorce and Money: What Couples On The Brink Of Divorce Need To Know

Couples Retreat Earlybird Signup Special!

Sat, 05 Apr 2014 15:22:00 GMT

Sign up before April 11, 2014 and get a 5% discount on registration for the May 16-18 Couples Retreat at the lovely Victoria Inn on the seacoast in Hampton, NH. Learn how to improve communication, deepen connection and reduce conflict in a cozy, intimate setting with five other couples, Susan Lager, and Meredith Richardson, Esq., a collaborative lawyer and conflict coach.

For more information or to register with the discount, contact Susan Lager at 603-431-7131

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 8:30 PM EST

Wed, 26 Mar 2014 14:17:00 GMT

If you’ve been wondering if your partner or anyone significant to you has anger problems, then you’ll want to tune into this 45 minute BlogTalk Radio episode: “Why Are You So Angry?” at 8:30 PM EST. I’ll be co-hosting with Meredith Richardson, a collaborative lawyer and conflict coach, and together we’ll be talking about the signs, origins, and motivations for healthy vs. unhealthy anger. We’ll also share some professional tips about how to cool things down when they are getting too heated.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to listen to the live show , or to join us on the air with questions or comments. If you can’t make the live show, catch it streaming at your convenience by going to: http://bit.ly/1l3ZL0I

Either way, hope you can join us!

Susan Lager

Rescheduled BlogTalk Radio Episode: “Why Are You So Angry?”

Wed, 26 Mar 2014 01:58:00 GMT

Due to technical difficulties with the 3/26/14 BlogTalk Radio episode, “Why Are You So Angry?,” I’ve rescheduled the show to Wednesday, April 16th at 8:30 PM. If you tuned in and heard nothing, you’re in good company – my apologies for the BTR glitch. Please join Meredith Richardson and me again on the 16th for what I expect will be a terrific show about a vital topic. (If you’re in a rage about the show not being audible, you especially, may want to tune into the rescheduled show)….. ��

Tell Someone You Care

Fri, 21 Mar 2014 05:16:00 GMT

As is often the case, I got to bed late last night, all excited about some new developments in my work as a therapist and coach. Of course, I couldn’t fall asleep, so as I lay awake, instead of counting sheep, I began to think about all the people I care deeply about. I pictured each of them with fondness, pulling up memories of sweet times we’d had together, reflecting upon the things about each of them that I loved.

Then a big, (not so fun) thought came to me: how often or recently had I told any of them how much I valued their presence in my life? When was the last time I’d sent them a card or given them a call “just because”? I realized that if I got hit by a truck tomorrow, many of these people wouldn’t have a clue about how much I had cared for them, how deeply I had held them in my heart! (This part is not a good prescription for easy sleep – I wouldn’t recommend it.) So, after a fitful night, I decided that it’s probably a good idea to live one’s life as though each day might truly be your last – to not just embrace that familiar idea, but really DO IT. To me, that means telling and showing the people in my life whom I care about, how I feel about them and why – making time each day, even just a few moments, to honor relationships in this way.

I invite you to think about this as well. I know I’m not alone in this challenge. I wonder how the world might be different if more of us truly honored our relationships in this way, each day taking time to tell someone that we care about them?

Now, to sleep…..

For Couples On The Brink Of Divorce: A Unique Resource

Mon, 10 Mar 2014 02:40:00 GMT

In my work as a psychotherapist, I’d say that about 25% of the people who come to me are on the fence about continuing their marriages or “committed relationships.” Generally, spouses have been together long enough for the rose-colored glasses to have come off, and have lost hope for a happy marriage. “Trying” seems to be inauthentic, as partners recite the long list of violations and disillusionments, and the longer list of futile attempts at repair. It’s not uncommon for one or both spouses to be having, or have had an affair. It’s also not uncommon for one or both partners to have consulted an attorney, readying for a split. They are “hovering by the escape hatches,” yet they often describe having problems they’d somehow like to fix. The sense of anguish in the room is palpable.

As a couple therapist, I have spent most of my career fighting to save marriages, and often I’m the last one standing! As marriage counselors we’ve been trained to pull up the hope in the partnership, and teach people how to get along better: strategies for better boundaries, communication, managing conflict, spending quality time together, figuring out how to collaborate, etc. But sometimes one spouse wants to try, and the other doesn’t, and that’s when traditional methods can fail. Getting “busy” working on trying to fix a marriage on the brink can be misguided. First, couples need to have the psychological space to decide if they both want to try to reconcile. Any treatment which provides “tools” prematurely is missing the point.

Enter “Discernment Counseling,” a 1 – 5 session process of exploring what would need to be different for the “leaning out” spouse to have the energy to “try,” and how the “leaning in” spouse can maintain a stance which brings their best self to the process, not one which humiliates or degrades them.

I’m very excited about this work, and have been added to the National Directory of Discernment Counselors after having completed The Minnesota Couples On The Brink Project training. (As far as I know, I am now the only Discernment Counselor in New Hampshire).

I will be doing a half hour BlogTalk Radio show introducing this process on Wednesday, March 12, 2014 at 8 PM EST. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments. I’d love to make it a conversation! If you can’t make the live show, you can hear the recording afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Couples Therapy In Portsmouth, NH: Addressing Disconnection In Marriage

Fri, 28 Feb 2014 04:11:00 GMT

If there’s one central problem I deal with most frequently in my work as a couples therapist, I’d say it’s disconnection in marriage. It can happen through over- involvement with children, work, hobbies, family or hyper focus on self. It’s a defensive posture, masking some internal fears. Left unexplored, it can ruin a marriage.

Often, the stage is set early in life as spouses adopt certain attachment stances in relation to early nurturing or lack of it. *(See my “resources” page at www.SusanLager.com and take the Adult Attachment Style Survey to find out about your own leanings toward healthy connection or disconnection – you may be surprised!)

Significant research findings indicate that spouses who spend more time together are generally much happier in their marriages than those who don’t.

If you’ve lost touch with your spouse, it’s time to register for a couples’ retreat, to revisit or re-learn the behaviors which helped you to bond when you were courting, and to become more conscious of the defensive behaviors the two of you have adopted over the years.

Meredith Richardson, a talented mediator, collaborative lawyer, and conflict coach and I will be presenting a couples’ retreat May 16-18 at the Victoria Inn in Hampton, NH. It’s a charming bed and breakfast on the seacoast which we plan to have all for ourselves for the weekend, so there will be ample privacy as well as space to do this important work.

You could also join us for a Couples Retreat on beautiful Star Island, off the coast of Maine and NH, from June 21-25. It’s another ideal setting for reflection and learning.

For more information, or to register, contact me at: 603-431-7131

or call Meredith at: 207-439-4267 .

Space is limited, so don’t wait too long – your marriage calls!

BlogTalk Radio 2/26/14 8 PM EST Show: “Marriage and Money: A Love Story?”

Tue, 25 Feb 2014 16:32:00 GMT

As we all get ready to pay our taxes, this is a particularly relevant show now!

In this 40 minute episode, I will co-host with Meredith Richardson, a talented and feisty lawyer, mediator, and conflict coach. Together we’ll focus on the central issues and some common pattterns couples play out related to finances during their marriages, or in their divorces.

Learn about some key behaviors which are often indicators of marital strength and collaboration, or not.

Find out about 4 new behaviors which can help you and your spouse to do better in this area.

Learn about some critical legal issues you need to know about filing taxes jointly.

To listen in, or to join us live on the air with questions or comments, call toll-free 877-497-9046 .

If you can’t make the live show, catch the recording at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

Whatever you do, don’t miss this episode!

Valentine’s Day is Over. Now Build Lasting Love!

Mon, 17 Feb 2014 00:25:00 GMT

How’s this for a unique couples retreat?

Hopefully, those of you in committed relationships had a lovely Valentine’s Day, filled with sweets and loving exchanges with your special someone.

But now that the one day marking affection and love has gone by, it’s time to really dig in and explore all the daily ways you and your partner show and tell love for each other. This inevitably involves developing effective ways to manage conflict, when the rose-colored glasses come off, as you become a more seasoned couple.

Join the dynamic mediator and conflict coach Meredith Richardson, and me for a special Couples Retreat at the lovely Victoria Inn for an experiential weekend designed to build better connection, communication and reduced conflict.

We’ll have this cozy inn all to ourselves for this special event, Friday, May 16th through Sunday morning, May 18th, 2014.

For more information about registering: Call Meredith Richardson 207-439-4267 or email: MeredithMediates@aol.com

Show And Tell

Tue, 11 Feb 2014 04:14:00 GMT

Best couples therapist advice to save you thousands of dollars and countless heartaches:

If it’s true, SHOW and TELL your partner you love them every single day, and watch the magic unfold in your relationship. Do NOT save it all for an obligatory Valentine’s Day offering!

“Move On Without An Apology – A Couplespeak™ Tool To Heal Your Heart” 2/5/14 BlogTalk Radio Episode 8 PM EST

Tue, 04 Feb 2014 02:19:00 GMT

If you’ve ever been emotionally hurt by someone who didn’t do anything significant to earn your forgiveness, then this show is for you. When there has been no expressed remorse or apology you don’t have to be enslaved by bitterness. Nor do you need to bestow “cheap forgiveness” upon that person, letting them off the hook, and dishonoring yourself!

Tune into this half hour episode to learn about how to move on and heal without the benefit of a genuine apology. I’ll talk about a proven tool you can use for a healing journey.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to listen in, or to join me live on the air with questions or comments. I’d love for you to be there and have a conversation. Wednesday, February 5th 8 PM EST.

If you can’t make the live show, go to The Couplespeak Relationship Forum to catch the recording whenever it’s convenient for you.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Knowing Your Life Verb

Fri, 24 Jan 2014 01:57:00 GMT

If you think about it, there’s probably a central defining action which punctuates your life. In my case, it’s “striving” – to develop more competency professionally, to achieve more balance, to play guitar better, to be a more compassionate person, to lose weight, etc. Definitely “striving.”

I have a close friend whose verb seems to be “coping” – with her husband’s stonewalling, her family problems, her depression. She’s always in “coping” mode, but doesn’t seem to move on to solving the problems. My “striving” mode has impatience at times with her “coping” status quo. She feels my “striving” mode makes me too hard on myself.

One of my sisters admits to chronically being in “surviving” mode – trying to stay afloat financially, professionally and emotionally. She feels that my “striving” mode at times takes me out of appreciation for all the blessings in my life, and she’s probably right. I don’t get why she doesn’t seem to do more to fulfill her dreams.

So, your verb can tell you a lot about how you’re doing your life, and perhaps shed some light on where you may be blind sighted, and limiting your experiences of joy and fulfillment.

What is your life verb?

Feel free to contact me to schedule a remote session to explore the current defining theme of your life, and what might need to happen to shift your verb to a more empowering one. I’ve identified a list of verbs you might not have considered on your own. You can reach me via my voicemail at 603-431-7131 or through the “Schedule an appointment” button on the right side of my website home page at www.SusanLager.com

Indecision Crazies and Mayor Rob Ford

Tue, 21 Jan 2014 03:52:00 GMT

Indecision is defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary as “a wavering between two possible courses of action.” I define it as “going crazy”!

Today I couldn’t decide what I wanted for breakfast. Then I couldn’t decide what to wear for my day at work. Then I couldn’t decide if I was hungry for lunch, because earlier, I couldn’t decide whether to throw out a two-day old salad or pack it, so I sort of packed it, but then didn’t eat it, because I couldn’t decide if it would sicken me or not. Then I couldn’t decide whether or not to go to an evening professional meeting, because I couldn’t decide if the blizzard was coming or not. After I didn’t go to the meeting, I regretted not going, feeling like a wuss. Later at home, I couldn’t decide whether to watch some TV, read, answer emails or make some calls. So here I am, not knowing why I’m writing this post, half reading the subtitles on the bizarre news I’m not really watching.

Things could be much worse: I could be Crack-smoking Mayor Rob Ford in a fast food restaurant, not able to decide if he’s been drinking and drugging or not, slurring words and shouting obscenities in an offensive Jamaican accent in front of the entire world.

It’s all a matter of perspective!

Sign up now for a Remote Power Hour with me!

Sat, 18 Jan 2014 06:40:00 GMT

If you don’t have the time or the inclination to open up a whole therapy process, but have questions or a dilemma you’d like to get some feedback about, you will LOVE my new service: The Remote Power Hour.

For the rest of the month of January, I will be offering discounted one-hour remote sessions for anyone who wants the expertise, non bias and privacy of a solo session with a trained therapist and coach. A one-hour session, usually costing between $145. and $170. will be available for $100. during daytime office hours whenever we can together arrange one: by phone, conference call (if two of you will be on the call at different locations), or through the online video button on the right side of this page.

For the online video option, just click “Schedule an appointment,” follow the prompts, send me an email about your preferred times, and I’ll get back to you later that day with a time.

For a regular phone or Skype call, just call my voicemail at 60 3-431-7131 to set up an appointment.

All payments will be processed with remote credit card payments. (I will give you details about that when I return your call with an appointment time.)

It’s as easy as 1,2,3! You have a problem. We talk. You get professional feedback. Whether you’re on a beach in Hawaii, in between runs on a ski slope, on a lunch break at work, or caught in traffic – you can use the time productively to work on what’s eating you!

Don’t miss this special offer! Discounted rates end January 31st.

No big commitment is necessary, and help is just a call away…..

How To Have Better Relationships

Sat, 11 Jan 2014 00:59:00 GMT

Every day in my private psychotherapy practice I work with people who feel miserable in their relationships with family, friends, co-workers or partners. Often, they don’t have any idea why the relationships are going so wrong, or what they are doing to contribute to the problem.

One thing I encourage people to do to avoid some unnecessary dilemmas on the front end is to get clearer about their expectations, wants and needs in their different relationships. Developing this self awareness is critical to doing better! Knowing what makes you tick and also, where you have vulnerabilities which are likely to play out, is a big part in creating more positive outcomes.

Here are three questions you can ask yourself to raise your self-awareness in relationships:

What circumstances are emotionally triggering to me?
Do I tend to blame others? If so, whom, and about what?
Do I apologize when I’ve been out of line?

For 17 more soul-searching questions to ask yourself in the spirit of raising your “relationship IQ,” get a copy of my second book, “Become Relationship Smart Without a Lifetime of Therapy.” It’s available on Amazon as a paperback as well as an ebook. It will help!

Here’s the link: http://amzn.to/WBK83q

“Beat The January Blues” BlogTalk Radio Show

Wed, 08 Jan 2014 03:49:00 GMT

Did you know that staying warm can contribute to your happiness or lack of it by 50%?

(This is one of 11 vital tips to beat the January Blues in 2014 discussed on my BlogTalk Radio show tonight.) Did you miss the live show? How come?! If you missed it and want to know more about the other ten tips, you can hear the recording of the half hour very interesting show at: http://bit.ly/1cQdL6V

“Beat The January Blues in 2014” BlogTalk Radio Show 1/8 8:30 PM

Mon, 06 Jan 2014 23:35:00 GMT

Join me live on the air for my next BlogTalk Radio show Wednesday, January 8th at 8:30 PM for a half hour of conversation about picking yourself up off the floor after the holidays. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join in the conversation with questions, comments, or ideas of your own about this timely, (universal?) topic.

Beat The January Blues in 2014 01/08 by Susan Lager | Self Help Podcasts .

Start The New Year With A Big Bang! Couples Retreat Sale

Thu, 02 Jan 2014 13:51:00 GMT

Happy New Year to all my readers!

COUPLES RETREAT SALE: ONE DAY ONLY!

Start your New Year right. Today you can save $100 on the Couples Retreat scheduled for January 18-20 at the Inn at Bath in Bath, Maine. Simply contact Meredith Richardson today at meredithmediates@aol.com to make your reservation. Your initial deposit of $500 will be due on January 6 and the remaining $400 will be due at the beginning of the retreat.

Today only the Couples Retreat is available for $900. This includes lodging and breakfast at the Inn at Bath Saturday through Monday, a full weekend of programming with Meredith Richardson and myself, and a Power Hour for each couple to do private work with either of us.

We’d love to see you there!

Act now. This sale is good for TODAY ONLY!

Happy New Year!

Connect With Your Partner

Sat, 28 Dec 2013 15:37:00 GMT

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably spent the last few weeks running around getting and wrapping gifts, sending cards, preparing for parties, dolling up your house with holiday decorations, cooking, baking, returning “off” gifts, cleaning up the mess, etc. You’ve also probably been in more public, social situations than you normally are in, attending to friends and family. As a result, how much time and energy have you reserved for your partner? Any hugs? Kisses? Words of appreciation? Any special private moments? If the answer is a humble, “Not really,” then here’s a little exercise which costs nothing, takes no time, and can stimulate re-connection:

When you’re separated from your partner in a social situation like a party or some event, make eye contact with him or her and discretely tug on your earlobe. When you’re in a crowd, this little private gesture can signal to your partner that you’re thinking of him/her, and love him/her. It’s an intimate non-verbal communication affirming your connection with each other, especially when your relationship seems to be taking back seat to the needs of other people. Try it – you’ll be amazed at the energy surge you create between you two!

If you find yourself generally wishing for better communication, deeper connection and less conflict in your relationship, and could use an intense dose of fun help with this, then join mediator and conflict coach, Meredith Richardson, and me for a weekend retreat designed to improve your communication skills, and re-connect you with each other. January 18-20, 2014 at the Inn at Bath, Bath, Maine. An intimate experience for six couples only.

*Deadline for registration is Wednesday, January 1st.

For more information or to register , CALL: 207-439-4267

EMAIL : meredithmediates@aol.com

Take It Easy! Life Is Short!

Sun, 15 Dec 2013 07:18:00 GMT

Everyone, including myself, is running around getting ready for the rest of the holidays, and I mean “running around,” and now in more than a foot of fresh snow! We’re in the home stretch now for getting our homes sufficiently decorated, getting those gifts bought and in the mail, making sure all our cards are written and sent out, choosing our menus, and finalizing our holiday plans so we don’t feel left out of all “the fun” socially. Then there’s the usual busyness of housework, making meals, working jobs so we can pay the bills, raising our children, getting some sleep, and of course, finding some time for self care, like indulging in a measly workout here and there. Not to mention the little detail of having an occasional conversation with our partner, or loved ones!

As I participate in, and observe the race all around, I’ve decided that three things are important to keep in mind to preserve one’s sanity, and to actually derive some fun and meaning around the holidays:

Check your perfectionism. Even Martha Stewart, the maven of style, class, and coziness, has legions of “elves” all around to create the illusion of perfection. So don’t buy into the invention. Instead, establish a “good enough” standard which allows for the realities of your time and energy constraints, allows you to enjoy yourself, and to stay focused on your goals for the season. At this juncture, less is more. Keep those expectations in check.
Let others help. Don’t over-function your way into martyrdom. You’ll be a more pleasant companion if you let other people share in the labor of making holiday traditions happen. The people around you will feel more invested in activities they have helped to create. You’ll also be more rested if you don’t view the holidays as a “one man/woman show”.
Practice the fine art of saying “no” if you are feeling maneuvered into doing more than your fair share of holiday activity. If you have a partner or sibling who seems to be bailing out on you, and expecting you to compensate for their inactivity, then draw a line in the sand, and let consequences happen. You’ll then avoid some resentment around feeling exploited.

Stay conscious and have happier holidays!

Susan Lager

12/12/13 BlogTalk Radio Show 7 PM: “Hot Tips For A Cold Marriage”

Wed, 11 Dec 2013 02:59:00 GMT

Don’t miss this episode! I will co-host this show with Meredith Richardson, a highly sought New England conflict management specialist who works as a Mediator, Facilitator, Trainer, Conflict Coach, Collaborative Lawyer in Maine and New Hampshire, as well as a motivational speaker, Midlife Coach, and the creator of popular, transformative retreats. She’s a one woman show!

Coming from very different fields, we’ll deal with the issues of connection, communication and conflict in marriage. We’ll discuss how some simple shifts in perspective and behavior can can help to change a cold, distant marriage into a much warmer, fulfilling partnership.

Don’t miss this vital episode if you’re currently married, divorced, or ever hope to be married again – this time, happily.

Join us live on the air with questions or comments by calling toll-free: 877-497-9046

Couples Retreat January 18-20, Bath, Maine

Tue, 10 Dec 2013 04:20:00 GMT

Remember when your relationship was a happy one?

Do you find yourself wishing for better communication, deeper connection and less conflict in your relationship?

There is hope!

Join mediator and conflict coach, Meredith Richardson, and me for a weekend retreat designed to improve your communication skills, and re-connect you with each other. January 18-20, 2014 at the Inn at Bath, Bath, Maine.

For more information or to register, CALL 207-439-4267 or EMAIL : meredithmediates@aol.com

You’re worth it.

Better Communication, Deeper Connection and Reduced Conflict

Thu, 21 Nov 2013 23:17:00 GMT

Newsflash! I will be conducting a couples retreat with my friend and colleague, Meredith Richardson, a mediator and conflict coach on the weekend of January 18 – 20, 2014, at the Inn at Bath, Maine

The title of this special retreat geared for six couples only is “ I’m Talking! Are You Listening? A Couples Retreat For Better Communication, Deeper Connection and Reduced Conflict.”

Join us for this weekend designed to improve your communication ski lls and reconnect you and your partner in an historic inn on the beautiful coast of Maine

This holiday season, give your loved one the gift that keeps on giving – a weekend experience designed to help the two of you to fall in love with each other all over again.

You’re worth it

Space is limited – only six couples, so call now for more information, or to register.

CALL: 207-439-4267

EMAIL: meredithmediates@aol.com

BlogTalk Radio Episode Tonight: “When You Hate Your Job – Tips For You And Your Spouse”

Wed, 06 Nov 2013 22:49:00 GMT

Only 3 more hours till showtime on my BlogTalk Radio episode: “When You Hate Your Job – Tips For You and Your Spouse” Join Career Counselor Andrea St. Jean and me for an hour of discussion, with tools for managing the situation.

8:30 PM EDT call toll-free: 877-497-9046 to join us on the air or just listen in.

Don’t miss this show!

“What To Do When You Hate Your Job” BlogTalk Radio episode 11/6/13 8:30 PM

Sun, 03 Nov 2013 04:09:00 GMT

Hate your job? Or does your spouse hate his/her job?

If so, you don’t want to miss this episode featuring guest career expert Andrea St. Jean. We’ll be looking at the impact of job misery on individuals and their partners, and how certain attitudes and actions can make all the difference.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in or to join us live on the air with questions or comments. If you can’t make the live show, go to www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to find the recording.

Hope you can join us!

How Healthy Couples Handle Tough Times

Wed, 30 Oct 2013 02:29:00 GMT

The newest issue of PsychCentral has come out with an article about the differences between how healthy couples face adversity versus how unhealthy couples manage it.

Ashley Davis Bush and I were each interviewed for the piece, and shared our respective thoughts about the topic, based on our experiences working with couples. If I don’t say so myself, it’s a wonderful article filled with ideas and tools couples can use to manage crises together, creating solutions and more closeness in the process. *Here’s the link to the article: http://bit.ly/18CI8w5

Happy Halloween! Take Love Where You Find It!

Tue, 29 Oct 2013 03:50:00 GMT

http://youtu.be/x9RscxfUp8c

Information Overload

Sat, 26 Oct 2013 01:54:00 GMT

I spent all day today taking an online social media training. I think I learned a lot, but it’s hard to say, as I’m now in “brain scramble” mode. Is it just me, or do any of you get totally overwhelmed when you learn a bunch of new, foreign things? I end up feeling excited/inadequate/determined/bewildered/curious, etc. It’s odd, because when I teach people in relationships new skills I always encourage them to not get too fancy or hard on themselves – to incorporate and practice baby steps until they get more proficient, and to congratulate themselves on little pieces of progress.

I think I’ll try to take my own advice, and not stay up till the crack of dawn attempting to master the new information in one fell swoop. So, if my Instagrams appear upside down, or my Facebook posts show my own “likes,” or my Tweets have five redundant hashtags, please be patient while this old dog learns some new tricks. And I’ll try being patient with myself… ��

Couplespeak™ – Happy Rituals

Sun, 20 Oct 2013 21:30:00 GMT

It’s Fall again, the air is crisp, the leaves are glorious (all those usual notes), and once again my husband and I are sitting on the giant wraparound porch at the Eagle Mountain House in Jackson, New Hampshire. This is one of our happy rituals as a couple – to drive up into the White Mountains in the late Fall, go for walks, meander through the back roads, browse the shops, read with a glass of wine on the porch, and feast on comfort food in local eateries.

Rituals are a perfect way to create soothing predictability, comfort, and anticipation into your life, whether you’re coupled or single. When you hold a memento or picture of the location, and gaze at it, pulling up good memories, you’re ramping up “feel good” chemicals in your brain. If you’re coupled, it tends to rekindle experiences of bonding and connection. If your life feels like a dreary treadmill, a happy ritual can interrupt the depressive feeling, and remind you that life, however hard, is also filled with meaning and joy, if you allow it.

So, if there’s a special experience you’ve had with some regularity either alone or with a partner, take it off the shelf and re-enact it! If there are none in your repertoire, then create some new experiences which can be ritualized. You’ll be doing your mood and your relationship a world of good.

Fix Something By Doing Nothing

Sat, 05 Oct 2013 22:55:00 GMT

I think that procrastination and lack of action get a raw deal in our culture. In Latin countries they extol the virtue of “Mañana,” the concept of getting to things tomorrow, another day. They seem to live in a more relaxed way, not as stressed with the immediacy of the “to-do” list as we are in the U.S. So, I’ve developed a handy mechanism borrowed from that mindset, to solve some problems in a more carefree way. Here are some examples:

Going through the mail: Instead of sorting through all the obvious junk mail to see where you’ll get a great deal, just ignore it for a few weeks. You’ll then notice that all the coupons for $1. lattes, $15. oil changes and $1. burgers have expired! Dump it all and problem solved!
Responding to emails: Instead of scrupulously answering the hundreds or thousands of inbox communications, do nothing with the ones that aren’t from loved ones or creditors. You’ll be amazed at how the rest of the pile just seems to fade in importance and relevance. Again, most of the “deals” which seemed so compelling a few weeks ago, will likely have expired, and somehow you’ll go on living.
The TV remote, your answering machine, your fax and your printer going haywire: I’ve found that if I ignore the malfunctions for a few weeks, it not only forces me to engage less with my devices, but it also gives them time to fix themselves, which they usually do!
Folding the laundry: Instead of stressing about the enormous pile of towels, sheets and underwear in the clean basket, simply pull out what you need each day. Before you know it, the basket will be empty and nobody (unless Martha Stewart is visiting), will know or care that you’ve done nothing in the folding department. If they do care, maybe you should re-think that relationship…
Cleaning the garage: Instead of making weekly dates with yourself to thin out all the junk you’ve collected, do nothing and let it accumulate until there’s a hurricane or snowstorm predicted. Then you’ll be amazed to see how quickly and efficiently you clear out the debris in time to save your car from total destruction.

So, I say “Don’t worry, be happy! Do nothing, and sometimes you’ll accomplish a lot!”

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. If this attitude creates a lot of guilt for you, or you suffer from perfectionism or compulsivity, feel free to contact me for some in-person or remote sessions. Call my office at 603-431-7131 for an appointment.

Marital Conspiracies

Sun, 29 Sep 2013 04:27:00 GMT

“All you need to do is to augment the salad.”

It’s what I say to my husband Thom about three times a week when we touch base before coming home from a long day at work. He generally calls and asks what the deal is for dinner on a midweek night. I know he’s exhausted, and won’t be very chirpy about doing anything elaborate for an evening meal when neither of us have given any time or thought to it. So, I tell him this, even when the leftover “salad” now consists of three pathetic pieces of lettuce and a lonely chunk of tomato in the bottom of a giant bowl. (Not to mention the fact that there’s nothing else in sight for dinner). I know if Thom gets home first he’ll add Spring Mix, onions, tomatoes, celery, carrots, pumpkin seeds, nectarines, Feta or Blue cheese and who knows what else to the salad he’s “augmenting.” But if I ask for that beforehand, my sweet natured hubby will get very cranky – and I don’t want to come home to a cranky hubby at the end of a long day with cranky clients.

“Augment the salad” has now become code for any unsavory requests we want to make more palatable, by minimizing them to each other. Last night it was putting the kayak holder on my car in the dark, so I’d be ready for today’s excursion to Newcastle at the crack of dawn. Two days ago, it was re-attaching a rewired lamp to the wall by my reading/writing chair. On Tuesday before going to work I had to “augment” his “salad” by helping him haul and unload a house-sized trailer of brush to the dump (which was then closed!) Two days before that, it was a “five minute job” of helping him take four air conditioners out of their windows and into the garage. The “salad” list goes on and on. It’s a weird, conspiratorial folly we embrace by default.

So, how do you “augment the salad” in your marriage?

“75 Habits For A Happy Marriage” BlogTalk Radio Show With Ashley Davis Bush 9/23/13 8 PM EST

Sun, 22 Sep 2013 00:36:00 GMT

Here we are at the end of another week. Has it been a loving one in your marriage or has it been the usual rut?

Did you kiss you spouse or tell him you love him?

Did you spend any quality time alone together talking openly about things that matter to each of you, or were you consumed with the kids, the bills, work, screen time or chores?

Did you make love or touch each other tenderly, or were you physically on separate planets?

Did you laugh when she said something cute?

Did you apologize after an argument?

If you answered “no” to most of these questions, then you might be in a marital rut!

You should NOT miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode tomorrow night, Monday, September 23rd at 8 PM EST! My co-host will be Ashley Davis Bush, a Huffington Post blogger, therapist, and the author of “Transcending Loss” and “Shortcuts To Inner Peace.” We’ll be discussing the goldmine of ideas for lasting marital happiness in her newly published book, “75 Habits For A Happy Marriage.”

You don’t have to go to the south of France to refresh your marriage. There are tons of small, everyday things you and your spouse can do to revive a wilting marriage or keep a happy one, happy!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with questions or comments. We’d love to have you! If you can’t make it, go to The Couplespeak Relationship Forum on BlogTalk Radio, and you’ll find the recorded show shortly after we air it.

Happy marriage,

Susan Lager

Facebook Envy

Sat, 31 Aug 2013 17:27:00 GMT

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love the idea that users can connect and re-connect with all the people they may have lost touch with. I love the “instant feedback loop” around ideas, events, and tastes. I love the marketing possibilities inherent in the site, being able to get a read on what potential clients and subscribers want and need. I love the inspirational content when it’s posted, and how it can change the day for so many people. I love the easy access to resources, often so difficult to find elsewhere.

But I hate all the posturing, self promotion, and mental masturbation which is so common on that medium. I hate all the PR falsehoods, the whole idea that anyone can have 3,000 “friends”! I don’t want to know all the graphic, obsessive details of Barbie’s awful time cleaning up Fido’s poop, and how it’s ruined the grass she paid thousands to maintain. I hate all the wasted time millions of people around the world are committing by living obsessively online, and not in their lives. I hate the marital violations and boundary crossings committed on Facebook which I work so hard to repair with couples. I hate the whole “faux intimacy” it generates, making face-to-face relationships seem so flat by comparison.

What I hate most of all is the envy it creates through all these illusions. I see so much unnecessary self-devaluation getting fueled by what Martha Beck refers to as “FOMO” – Fear of Missing Out, the idea that everyone else’s life is so fabulous, and they’ve all gone to a giant daily party that is exclusive.

If you ever have this experience of envy when you read other people’s posts on Facebook, then I have some tools for you which you may find helpful. I’ll share one here:

Think of what you are reading about other people as just the corner of the picture frame . You are often looking at the outside trimming, not the substance in the picture. It’s the part people want you to see, not the real internal deal. Would you buy a painting just because the frame looked good? Probably not. Trust that for all the ideal looking vacations, parties, connections, and fun stuff people are posting about, they too have disappointments, frustrations, hurts, and heartbreaks. Barbie may tell you about her dog poop dilemma, but probably won’t share her deepest issues. (If she does on that forum, then her boundaries are bad, or she needs attention and a good therapist.)

Hopefully, the next time you cruise the Facebook site you’ll take it all with a grain of salt, use what’s relevant, and stay with the goodness you experience in your own life.

* If you’d like some one-on-one help with envy of any kind, I have other strategies which may be useful to you. Feel free to contact me at my Portsmouth office at 603-431-7131 for a live or remote session.

Cheers, Susan Lager

www.SusanLager.com

End of Summer 2013

Mon, 26 Aug 2013 23:00:00 GMT

Unbelievably, we’ve already arrived at the last week before Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer. Here in New Hampshire, parents are sending their kids off to school this week! Mercifully, in Maine, where I live, nobody goes back to school until after Labor Day, but even then, everyone groans about letting go of the long, langorous days of summer. (Except parents who are sick of their kids).

I’ve had a terrific summer with boating, hiking (light), swimming in the ocean and lakes, barbecues, reading, friends, family, and some wonderful long weekends away at lovely new places. I’ve also taken somewhat of a break from the internet to be outside more, doing active things. So, I can’t complain about it all coming to an end soon, as we in New England enter the Arctic Freeze Winter for the next seven or so months.

If you’re feeling blue about the transition, I’d encourage you to think of it this way: Would summer be as special to you if it were all year round? If you think “Yes!” then you should move to Florida or the Carribbean! If you thought “No way!” then savor what you’ve experienced this past summer. If you didn’t experience much, then begin making a list of the things you will commit to doing next summer, so you don’t continue the “regret cycle.” (You might also need some new friends who get you out more).

Another thing you can do is to anticipate all the delightful things about the Fall and Winter. Look forward to more “tuck in” time with more opportunities for indoor activities and more reflection. Won’t it be nice to not feel pressure to be outside so much doing fabulous things? If you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (depression related to lower levels of light), do the therapeutic “light therapy.” Anticipate the beauty of the changed color palette outdoors with all the invigorating things you can do outside if you’re dressed properly. Look forward to Fall and Winter rituals and holidays. And of course, you can also look forward to next summer. It will be here before you know it….

Happy trails,

Susan Lager

Changing The Routine

Thu, 08 Aug 2013 02:52:00 GMT

If you are a reader of mine, you may have noticed that I’ve been lax in the blogging department for most of the summer.

I’ve given myself permission to get out of my chair, off the internet, and to have a different kind of fun! I love talking to you all, I love writing and sharing things, but I get sick of the internet in the summer! I happen to live on the southern coast of Maine, which is filled with fantastic places to go, and interesting things to do, so I feel compelled to change up my routine, get outside more, be more social and PLAY!

Changing your routine from time to time can be an invigorating experience. The sense of novelty ramps up good chemicals in your brain, especially if you’re doing some new or different things with a friend or partner.

The change can expose you to new activities or people you may really enjoy.

You’re likely to learn stuff as you expand and switch up your repertoire.

Then, the ironic result may be that when you resume your usual routine, you approach it with fresh eyes and ears, and are likely to be more appreciative of your life as it was!

Next BlogTalk Radio Show: 6 Cures For A Really Bad Mood 7/31/13 8:30 PM EDT

Tue, 30 Jul 2013 20:02:00 GMT

We all suffer a bad mood from time to time. It’s never fun, but can be a more lasting, contagious experience, or a briefer, more benign annoyance, depending on how you manage it.

Tune into my next BlogTalk Radio show Wednesday, July 31st at 8:30 PM EDT for a half hour discussion about tools to contain and transform a bad mood.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in, or to join me on the air with questions, comments or ideas of your own. Hope you can be there!

Susan Lager

Summer Brain

Fri, 26 Jul 2013 16:30:00 GMT

Every summer I encounter a similar thing: friends, family, colleagues and clients running around, off their usual structured schedules, forgetting appointments, late for dates, and all out of whack. I call it Summer Brain because maybe the heat and humidity, (and now the torrential rain), seeps into everyone’s head and acts like a blender, mixing everything up. People who are usually so precise and committed to dates, times, goals and schedules now all seem to have A.D.D. !

As a therapist, I’ve learned not to take it too personally, knowing it’s seasonal, and in the Northeast it’s probably related to the frenetic pace around capitalizing on the measly duration of warm weather. I make use of the found time when clients forget their appointments by filing, returning calls, organizing my desk, and wondering why I haven’t caught the Summer Brain bug? Unfortunately, when I charge clients for these missed appointments they often get annoyed, probably wondering what’s wrong with my brain.

But hey, it’s summer! We could all instead be shoveling two feet of snow off our roofs, then shivering in our freezing cars, negotiating black ice, and praying for summer!

Life is a trip…..

Unplugged – The Joys And The Freedom!

Wed, 17 Jul 2013 22:28:00 GMT

If you’re a regular reader here, maybe you’ve noticed my absence for the last several weeks. It’s been the dog days of summer here in New England, raining nonstop, then boiling hot, then more rain. In spite of the weird weather, we in the Northeast treasure our summers ferociously, trying to capitalize on the three months of the year when snow and blizzards are unlikely. So, I too have been haunting the beaches, the lakes and the mountains, rain or shine. But, most notably, I’ve been almost completely unplugged from my devices (except for my professional voicemail), and LOVING IT!!!

For weeks now, no blogging, no radio shows, no YouTube videos, hardly a tweet, no clever Facebook entries, no LinkedIn updates, no book drafts, no cellphone calls, nothing!

Instead of daily “tech dialysis” I’ve gone tooling around without the world being able to contact me, and the only one who even seems to notice is my husband who thinks it’s inconsiderate. (We’re working on a compromise).

I’ve gone to lunches and dinners with people I enjoy having conversations with, instead of whining to tech support.

I’ve gotten off my laptop and rekindled connections with colleagues and old friends. (They’re still alive!)

I’ve actually been reading books and magazines just for fun! Freedom from emails and Google!

I’ve been preparing for my boating license test, learning all about “starboard stand-on” versus “port give-way,” halyards, double clove knots, and such vital things I’ll need to know on the waterways when I’m supposedly “manning the vessel.”

I’ve gone on hikes, bike rides, and car rides in the countryside instead of doing professional gigs.

I’ve nurtured my garden, watered the lawn, planted new beds, and fought Japanese beetles instead of battling scam sites and internet viruses.

I’ve visited other cities, just for fun trips to see the sites. (Cheated a bit with some book promo).

I’ve watched movies, plays and silly TV shows without any “productive justification.”

And miraculously, without all the internet busyness, I’ve gone to sleep most nights at a normal hour, not on my usual vampire schedule!

I’m telling you, getting unplugged can be a total joy! How novel – life without devices! Try it!

Big Summer Cheers,

Susan Lager

BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 8:30 PM EDT! Don’t Miss It!

Wed, 26 Jun 2013 20:52:00 GMT

Tune in at 8:30 PM EDT for this half hour episode about the key attitudes for having a fun summer with or without a partner. I’ll also be sharing my big list of ideas for joyful, connective, or just creative things to do to capitalize on the season, with or without good weather.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to just listen in, or to join me on the air with ideas of your own. Hope you can be with me for this light but hopefully informative show!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Having A Good Summer With Or Without A Partner

Sat, 22 Jun 2013 18:05:00 GMT

I’ve been away from this blog for a few weeks because I generally don’t relish being indoors, sitting on my butt and writing when the weather is glorious outside. So, I’m sitting on my butt, outside , in my breezeway, talking to all of you.

I’m hosting another BlogTalk Radio episode on Wednesday, June 26th at 8:30 PM EST dealing with this issue: how you can strike a balance between your “to do” list, have fun, enjoy the weather, nurture your relationships, and nurture yourself. (It hurts my head just thinking about it!)

Here in New England people often experience Summertime Blues because the season is so short before the blizzards come, and the balance feels impossible. I try to dedicate the rainy month of June to cleaning out the garden beds, reseeding lawns, cleaning and putting in screens and air conditioners, bringing down summer clothing from the attic, cleaning and pulling out the kayaks, getting our boat ready for the water, pulling out all the beach toys, finishing up any pressing paperwork, and generally going CRAZY if the weather is lovely and not rainy! I can tell you one thing right away: you have to pick and choose, you won’t get to it all expertly, so chill out! It’s summer! Have some FUN, dammit!

If you’d like to join me on the air on the 26th, call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 and share any ideas you may have for not having a meltdown, but having balance instead, now that it’s summer.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Dreading Another Birthday? Here’s An Antidote….

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 03:46:00 GMT

I recently turned a big number. WAY too big for comfort. I had been feeling a bit blue about my upcoming birthday, thinking about how lousy aging can be – worsening vision, hanging flesh, age spots, the need for Shingles shots, people you know dying, more aches and pains, and worst of all, time running out!

Even so, I greatly enjoyed our family’s four day celebration marking the event in Philly. After the weekend, I spent the actual day of my birthday off from work with the plan of doing intense “self nurture,” something I’m always yapping to my clients about needing to do for themselves. I felt a bit blue, however, thinking about how fast life had gone by, so I went for a speed walk by the river nearby, feeling a bit lighter immediately. I immersed myself in gardening, cleaning out the beds and planting beautiful new perennials. Felt even better at that point. But the thing that really changed the day into something lovely was a simple thought. As a Baby Boomer, I realized what an amazing group of fearless, feisty, groundbreakers my generation was. We were the ones who initiated the women’s movement, reinvented music, fought for racial equality and sexual freedom, peace, love, and FUN, FUN, FUN!

I was a member of the club that transformed the world, and was now entering their last chapter of life. To celebrate, I brought out my stack of 60’s Rock CD’s, pumped up the volume (poor Dave next door!), and danced for hours, joyous to be at this place in my life, forever young.

So, if you’re dreading another birthday yourself, connect with all the amazing people in your own generation, celebrate your contributions, and enjoy the rest of the ride!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 9 PM EST: The Marriage Fitness Test. Don’t Miss It!

Wed, 29 May 2013 12:09:00 GMT

Tonight I’ll be discussing a brief test you and your spouse can take to determine how stressed or strong your marriage is. You then can hone in on the areas needing work in a targeted way.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 at 9 PM EST for this fact-filled half hour show. You can just listen in or call in with questions or comments.

Hope you can join me! Your marriage will love it!

Susan Lager

Sisterly Love

Mon, 20 May 2013 20:33:00 GMT

I’m just returning from a whirlwind weekend in NYC with my little sister, Laura. We went to galleries, an amazing museum, tooled all around the city window shopping, people watching, eating ethnic food, and yakked till 5 AM each night the way only sisters who love each other can. Of course, I couldn’t resist the urge to coach her on ways to improve her life, and her relationship with herself. She in return nurtured me with 5 star hotel type service and thoughtfulness. What a joy it is for me to have sisters (I have two) whom I love and enjoy!

If you’re lucky enough to have a sister or two of your own, remember they’ll always be there with and for you, if you allow them to, so count your blessings and treasure them!

Getaways And Your Sanity

Fri, 17 May 2013 20:11:00 GMT

At this writing, I’m on a C & J express bus to my old stomping ground, New York City, for a weekend with my little sister. I’m a strong believer in short getaways as a way of refueling, particularly if the getaway gets you away from your spouse for awhile. That may sound cold, but sometimes a little space has a big positive impact on a marriage. How, you ask?

You reconnect with separate friends and relatives on your own without worrying about the mix with a spouse who may not share your enthusiasm for jewelry shopping, lattes, and schmoozing.
You re-experience your individual selves which brought you two together. My husband will probably be doing yard work till midnight, watching the news for hours each morning, eating no vegetables except for vodka (made from potatoes), puttering around his workshop, answering no calls, and fondling his new camera he’s afraid of using. He’ll be in Introvert Heaven. I’ll be tooling around the city with my baby sister, bossing her around, buying makeup and doodads, going to museums if it rains, people watching, yakking with strangers, and eating every ethnic thing in sight. I’ll be in Extrovert Heaven.
You break up the sometimes oppressive routine of your life with more consciousness. In my case, I was amazed to see how many vitamins and creams and solutions and meds I take on any given day just to go on living! I could barely fit it all in my suitcase! I like to think of myself as robust and traveling lightly on this Earth. Apparently, not so….
You appreciate all the comforts of home in a renewed way. I don’t usually get excited about having a level, stable surface to type on, but today, with the bus jiggling and swaying, I’m realizing how special it is to have tables and desks to put my laptop on, and not worry it will go flying off into the yonder. Small things…..
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because I’m a bit morbid and fatalistic, I don’t presume I’ll make a safe return from ANYWHERE, so I kissed my husband goodbye four times, and hugged him as though I was leaving for a tour of duty in Afghanistan. And now that the bus is approaching the slums of the city limits, I miss him already….. ��

Happy weekend,

Susan Lager

PS. Get a still early copy of my new book, now newly anointed with the Couplespeak™ trademark! If you live long enough, it may be considered an important 21st century artifact! On Amazon: http://amzn.to/WBK83q

“Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy”

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 04:27:00 GMT

Right about now, every year I think I should probably pack up my pajamas, grab a cot and move into Home Depot. Come Spring, every free minute gets chewed up by trips to H.D. to get countless bags of mulch, new rakes, river stones, grass seed, bug spray, weedkiller, pavers, sand, annuals, fertilizer, loam, paint and various kinds of rented equipment like powerwashers, sodcutters and the like. And that’s just for the outside of the house!

It’s very easy to get totally overwhelmed reflecting on the dollars spent making Home Depot richer. It’s also depressing to see how each year it gets harder to recoup at night after the backbreaking home and garden toil. But as my husband and I hobble around for a garden walk afterward, scanning the fruits of our (slave) labor, we invariably “ooh” and “ah” in delight at the beautiful, orderly outcome. That’s the point where I also swear I’ll never do the mulching myself again, and where he takes an oath about never re-seeding the lawn himself again. We promise each other we’ll keep that promise. Till next Spring….

BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 8:30 PM EST: “Open Communication”

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:15:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next BTR episode, “Open Communication” tonight at 8:30 PM EST! It’s a short, half hour show all about key pointers to foster closer conversations leading to more understanding between partners.

Open communication is partly about timing and the subject matter, but more importantly, about the use of language. Tune into this show and learn some vital tips in this area.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to just listen or to join me on the air with questions or comments. Hope you can make it!

Susan Lager

Gone Fishing (Again!)

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 13:03:00 GMT

I’m a very regimented person. I get up at the same time each day, do the morning teeth and face cleanse, make a cup of coffee, balance my accounts, pay some bills, answer my voicemail, check my email, do some dishes, dead-head the garden flowers, make my lunch, do a workout, watch the news, eat the same breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, drive to my office, see some clients, return more voicemails, grab the same lunch, see more clients, answer more voicemails, schmooze with colleagues, drive home, make some calls, change clothes, go for a garden walk, have some dinner with my husband, watch more news, watch a TV episode, do some writing, do some reading, and go to bed. Then it all starts and ends the same way the next day until the weekend when it’s a different, slightly more exotic routine.

So, I’ve challenged all my “shoulds,” and given myself a break from blogging, writing, etc. to be outside this Spring “enjoying” hauling mulch, spreading stones, raking, planting and painting. (Ain’t life grand!) I’ve once again put up a sign saying, “Gone Fishing”!!!!!!!!

If any of this “good girl” routine sounds familiar to you, remember that sometimes, for some of us, “goofing off” and “breaking the rules” is a good thing.

I should go to bed,

Susan Lager

Staying In The Couplespeak™ Game

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 04:31:00 GMT

As a couples therapist I routinely talk to my clients about the ambiguous road ahead of them in working on repairing and enriching their relationships. The work is generally fraught with uncertainty and likely setbacks, as is the case with most hard earned changes. This discussion always involves the issue of what each partner needs to “stay in the game,” or what would they minimally require of themselves and each other to maintain hope, energy and good faith in the process.

What each of us needs to “stay in the game” applies to any endeavor which doesn’t produce immediate lovely results. Last week, after three years of often grueling work, I received my official documentation awarding me the trademark for the name “Couplespeak.” I had invented the name for a division of my company which would provide coaching products and services live and online. Getting the trademark with proprietorial rights to the name required me to write books, articles, eBooks, develop workshops, training programs, blogs, videos, a BlogTalk Radio program, and to manage multiple internet platforms.

Mind you, all the while I’ve had a full time private psychotherapy practice, and started with very little interest in the internet and tech devices three years ago. But I loved the name “Couplespeak,” and believed that if I could live long enough I could grow it into something really significant. The whole process required that to finish, I stay in the game, the Couplespeak game. I had to devise ways of making myself accountable, and maintaining my passion for the project. I had to enlist the support of my friends and family. I had to learn when to take breaks and when to force myself back into the effort. Just as anyone requires in any big, meaningful project, I needed to keep up my faith in myself, and my faith in the work itself. And now, just as anyone would, I’ll need to allow this “finish” to become the remarkable start of something else, a new game…..

Best Regards,

Susan Lager

www.SusanLager.com

PS. For copies of my new books about staying sane in the relationship game, go to Amazon: http://amzn.to/12ALenB

BlogTalk Radio show “The Power of an Apology” 3/27 8:30 PM EDT

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 16:59:00 GMT

Don’t miss tonight’s half hour show about such a hot topic!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions, comments or just to listen in.

Conscious Relationships – How Awake Are You?

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 01:00:00 GMT

I have recently come out of my annual tax trance – the time of year when I’m so immersed in columns of figures and tabulations that a meteor could hit the house and I’d barely notice it. Luckily, my impression is that this oblivious state seems to abate in mid March when I return to my usual therapist’s occupational hazard of incessantly questioning and noticing things.

I like to think that I’m generally pretty committed to a process of self-examination, particularly in my relationships. It’s a daily practice, though, to do this, kind of like working out or maintaining good sleep habits. Like sobriety, it’s easy to fall off the wagon and go back into a behavioral and attitudinal trance at any point, so I’ll share a few of the 20 key questions I’ve devised that you can reflect upon in order to be more awake in your relationships:

What am I most insecure about?
What defenses do I use to protect myself emotionally?
How might these defenses be hurtful to others?
Are there other, more benign defenses I could use?
Do I apologize when I’ve been out of line? If so, how?
Do I self-medicate with substances? If so, how, when, and with whom?
What would happen if I were more open?

If you start with these questions, and are honest with yourself about what you see, I think you’ll open up a process of taking more responsibility for yourself, and move toward being more awake in your relationships. For more details about the other 13 key “consciousness questions,” as well as a wealth of information about how to thrive in all your partnerships, grab a copy of my new workbook, “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy” available in paperback, and now also as an eBook on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/12ALenB

I know you’ll enjoy it!

Susan Lager

Tax Time Crazies – Same Insanity, New Year…..

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 00:24:00 GMT

(It’s been almost a year since I entered this post, but I’m submitting it AGAIN to make a painful point: This part of our lives seems to never change! The only major difference I’ve noted in this department was the year I hired a new accountant, one with a great sense of humor who helps me laugh at all this, just a bit. I refer to hiring Gene as a huge “emotionally corrective experience.” But as for the rest of it, I’d rather eat glass). Read on and see why…..

Every year starting in March, and going through April 15th, most everyone I know, myself included, gets weirded out about taxes. Preparing them for the accountant, realizing all the money spent on ridiculous things, waiting to find out the verdict about what’s owed or what, if anything will be refunded, then PAYING FOR IT! Most dining room tables have long been lost to piles of papers, documenting finances for the past year. Some tables, I hear, have remained in “tax mode” for years!

It’s a little bit like pregnancy and childbirth. The buildup is literally and figuratively huge, the event is unnerving, but then, thankfully it’s over and forgotten – until the next time around.

The one consolation is that you are not alone. Thousands and thousands of people procrastinate to the very end when dealing with taxes. (I have clients who were just beginning the whole process this week!) Thousands more are checking their mailboxes daily to get the package back from the accountant telling them if they’re screwed or not. (I see at least one neighbor doing this each day.)

Everyone moans about it. Nobody has a viable alternative though, if you like having drivable roads, safe bridges, public schools, and such things.

My best advise? Remind yourself that:

This is the un-fun part of being an adult.
This too shall pass – at least until next year…….

Cheers,

Susan Lager

“Surviving and Thriving After Trauma With A Partner’s Support” BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 2/27 8:30 PM EST

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 19:41:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next BTR episode, “Surviving and Thriving After Trauma With A Partner’s Support” airing tonight, 2/27 8:30 PM EST.

I’ll be co-hosting with Michele Rosenthal, PTSD specialist and author of the critically acclaimed PTSD recovery book, Before The World Intruded.

We’ll be discussing Michele’s personal journey through trauma, and focusing on the strategies she used to help her overcome PTSD. We’ll also be exploring reasonable expectations and appropriate roles for partners in this process.

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST to just listen, or to join us on the air with questions or comments.

Hope you can join us!

Tucking In

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 00:02:00 GMT

Have you ever spent a weekend in solitude, tucked in doing various kinds of self care? If not, I’d recommend that you try it sometime, especially if your daily life / work involves intense contact with lots of people, (like my work as a psychotherapist).

I seem to spend one weekend in an extroverted mode, going places and doing things which involve a lot of social contact, then the next weekend living like a hermit, attending to the long personal “to do” list. This weekend I barely went outdoors, except for a few hot tubs, and an excursion to bring out the garbage! Instead, I tucked in yesterday during the snow, reading and writing in front of a roaring fire, cooking, doing book work, having a lovely workout in my gym, and visiting briefly with family when they were here. I thought about going for a snowshoe hike, but that seemed like too much work in the wind and the cold.

Today was equally lovely – up late, a long, Pilates workout, writing letters, answering emails, doing laundry, petting the cat, and just hanging out!

If you can overcome some negative self-talk about behaving like a sloth, the whole idea of slowing down and “going internal” can be absolutely delicious. Everything in our world is geared to rushing around and packing multiple things into a “productive” day. I find it oppressive at times. I’d definitely recommend reconnecting with yourself in a quiet, caring way, with some regularity. Just remember to brush your teeth and get some exercise, and you’ll be fine……. ��

Here Comes The Snow!

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 01:49:00 GMT

So far, about ten inches of fluffy white snow, lots of wind, freezing temperature, but the power is still on! Life in New England is never boring. Here we all sit, tucked in, waiting for at least another 1 1/2 feet of snow during the blizzard of 2013 as Spring is supposedly around the corner.

My brother-in-law Joe says, “Move to Florida and have other things to talk about except the unpredictable weather! Enjoy 80 degree sunshine almost every day!”

I say, “How boring! We love our tumultuous weather, and our ritual hand-wringing about shoveling, freezing our butts, losing our power, and cherishing our generators! Besides, if I moved to Florida, I’d be surrounded by traffic, people and buildings everywhere! We’re New Englanders! We love our mountains, our forests, our ocean, our countryside, our changing seasons, our history, our lobster, our accents, our fireplaces, our N’oreasters, and even our “almost Spring blizzards”!

(Now, this weekend as my family heads up to Sunday River to tackle the slopes covered with a fresh two feet of snow, hopefully my adventurous spirit will prevail, I won’t have heart failure being back on skis for the first time in ten years since my knee gave out, and I’ll remember my own speech about how lovely it is to be wild in New England)……

Here’s to the white stuff,

Susan Lager

PS. Don’t forget to get an early copy of my new book, “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime of Therapy.” I think you’ll really like it! It’s available on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/WBK83q

Exciting News! My new book is out: “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy”

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 05:04:00 GMT

I am delighted to announce that FINALLY my new workbook, “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime of Therapy” has been published and is available as a paperback on Amazon! It’s a goldmine of tools and skills necessary for you to do better in any relationship. If I do say so myself, I think you’ll LOVE it! (I do). Enjoy!

You can purchase it now on my CreateSpace eStore at: https://www.createspace.com/4077013

Or, you can get it on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/WBK83q

“Be A Better Partner With Self Awareness” BlogTalk Radio Episode Wednesday, Jan. 30th 8 PM

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 03:49:00 GMT

Tune into my BlogTalk Radio show, “Be A Better Partner With Self Awareness,” Wednesday, January 30th at 8:30 PM EST. Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen or join me live on the air. In this episode I’ll explore the issue of how knowing one’s own hangups can vastly improve any relationship.

Using some key tools from my newest workbook “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy,” I’ll shares some vital questions we all must ask ourselves in order to be more conscious and loving in our partnerships. To get the book as a guide, go to: http://amzn.to/WBK83q

Don’t miss this episode if you want to get a first peek at some of the simple, but very important questions you must start asking yourself to have happier relationships!

Down With The Flu

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 22:06:00 GMT

This photo tells it all. It’s the way I’ve been feeling for the last two days, and that, even after a Flu shot!

What a shame with such grand plans for a weekend x-country skiing on an idyllic farm in Southern Maine! Four inches of packed powder, new snow on its way, and here I am, blowing my nose, sleeping all day and night, and thankful for my ability to keep down tea and chicken soup!

When we get sick, it feels horrible, but the bright side is that it forces people like me to SLOW DOWN, WAY DOWN, and reevaluate how critical our ambitious little plans are in the big scheme of things.

It also gives our partners opportunities to nurture us with “holding down the fort,” (dishes, laundry, shopping), as well as providing us with comforting remedies like Ginger ale, flu medicines, and in my husband’s case, a big pot of chicken soup he learned how to make on his own!

So before the fever breaks, I think I’ll take it all in and try to flow with the state of sloth, knowing it only comes around once in a few years!

2012 Year In Review BlogTalk Radio Show Summary. (You asked for it!)

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 04:40:00 GMT

On January 2, 2013 I did my last BlogTalk Radio Show, “2012 Year In Review. Options For Looking Back, Then Forward.” It was a very successful episode with quite a few live callers, and nearly 500 “listens” to the recorded show in the five days since then! As per your many requests, I’m posting the two types of reviews here, each creating a very different sense of things, and a different spin on your life, looking back, then forward.

To hear the recorded show in its entirety, go to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

If you’re doing your own 2012 Year In Review you could reflect back in the most common way on these things:

how much money you made or didn’t
how often your body broke down with illness
how many vacations you went on, and if they were worth the cost, and the time you took off
how much weight you gained or lost
if you finally stopped smoking or not
how your spouse drove you crazy
which friends let you down, and how
if you got your house de-cluttered or not
who had a messy affair; who got divorced
who died and how
your failures at work
how much you wasted your gym membership
your guilt about not reading more books
your disappointments as a parent
tragedies which occurred, making you paranoid
the huge amount of taxes you paid or now owe

(Blah, blah, blah….) Any others I’ve missed?

Or you could do this kind of Year In Review:

what were my major accomplishments at work?
what positive steps did I take in my marriage?
how was I more thoughtful and loving to my family?
did I do any better at setting appropriate limits around time asked of me
how well did I take care of myself physically?
did I expand myself intellectually and spiritually?
what major lessons did I learn in 2012?
did I have enough fun this past year?
did I stand up for what’s important to me?
what did I model for my children?
was I a generous enough friend to the people I care about?
whose accomplishments brought me joy?

Get the difference? After you have (hopefully) chosen the latter set of reflections, you have a beginning template for an even better 2013! For help regarding negative self talk, feel free to contact me at my office at 603-431-7131 to set up an appointment for some brief psychotherapy work.

Tune into my next show on Wednesday, Jan. 30th. And have a happy, productive and meaningful New Year!

“2012 Year In Review” BlogTalk Radio Episode January 2nd 8:30 PM EST

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 02:29:00 GMT

Don’t miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode, “2012 Year In Review, Options For Looking Back, Then Forward.” I’ll be broadcasting at 8:30 PM EST, encouraging a conversation with callers who can join me live on the air by calling toll-free 877-497-9046 . We’ll be dealing with choices we all have about what markers we focus on, and how that may impact our experience of reflection, as well as our attitudes about the future. It should be interesting!

If you can’t make the live show, you can listen to the archived episode at:

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Try New Things In 2013!

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 22:15:00 GMT

(If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the last few weeks, I’ve been shoveling.) Only, kidding, that’s just been the scene for the last few hours, getting ready for yet another snow storm, so the new ten inches doesn’t collapse the deck with the 6 inch ice base underneath. Ah, New England……..

As for me, I’m about to publish my second workbook called, “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy.” It’s all about how to do better in all your key relationships. It’s been quite a haul getting it done, but I think you’ll love it as I do, and benefit tremendously from the tools and insights I’ve provided in the book. You’ll be able to buy it on Amazon in late January 2013!

So, what’s the point? Try new things in the new year, or you’ll get stale and rusted! What’s the worst that could happen? Failure? Mistakes? So what? Unless we get hit by a truck, there are usually more chances to do whatever it is better, or to let it go. Mistakes, as I say, are “valuable information potentially used for new learning”. Here’s to courage! Here’s to mistakes!

Gotta go help with more shoveling. The snow has arrived, and the Snowblower Guy, my husband, probably could use the moral support.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Rescheduled BlogTalk Radio Episode, “My Five Point Plan For Surviving and Thriving During The Holidays.”

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:29:00 GMT

Don’t miss “My Five Point Plan For Surviving and Thriving During the Holidays” episode! Due to faulty audio it was rescheduled from last month, but is being re-aired just in time for the rest of the holiday season.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 at 9 PM Wed. 12/5 to join me live on the air with your questions, comments and stories. I’d love to have this be a conversation we can all enjoy and learn from! If you can’t make the live show, you can hear the recorded episode by going to:

www.BlogTalkRadio.com/susanLager

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Finishing A Project

Sun, 02 Dec 2012 02:21:00 GMT

I’m in the home stretch for the completion of my second book, “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy.”

I think I now understand first hand what the dilemma is for so many people about finishing a project! When you’re involved in a project which is meaningful to you it’s like getting married. You make a supposed commitment to do your best and hang in there “in sickness and in health.” You often do it publicly, like having a wedding. You tell your friends and family about it, and they become invested as well, so if you bag it, it’s similar to the humiliation of a divorce – you feel like a failure who’s let everyone down. Or worse, people don’t take you seriously after that around your passions and projects.

Is the solution to just not try to accomplish too much to avoid all this aggravation? No, I think it’s a better idea to closely monitor your negative self talk and your possible self sabotaging behaviors, then remind yourself why you bothered with the project to begin with, to reinforce your motivation to get to the finish line. I’m going to do just that with the book. Not think about it too much, and plow forward, reminding myself why I’ve bothered. When you see the book posted on Amazon.com you’ll know I made it to the finish line. If and when you read the book, you too will know why I bothered.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

The Little TV That Ate The House

Sat, 17 Nov 2012 05:43:00 GMT

It all started as a benign thought: Wouldn’t it be nice to actually see the news, not just hear it when I’m getting dressed in the morning? The old dinosaur TV was good for one thing – it was so big and wide that I could put my whole breakfast on top of it while putting on my makeup at the sink. I could even fit my morning coffee there! But alas, as I heard about all the craziness in the world on the news each morning, the reception was so bad that it was hard to make out who the nuts were – too much static.

So off we went, (I co-opted my unsuspecting husband into my TV caper), to find a nice new 32″ flatscreen. Because I’m fussy, of course it had to have 1080 P (or whatever letter of the alphabet they give for the most pixels. Up went the price and the search. But what a deal at $299! Put it in the cart, please. But wait! $299. doesn’t give you squat for sound, so let’s just add a soundbar with a built-in boombox, so Dave, next door, with his $35,000 home theater will be impressed. What’s another $149. (reduced from $279. as an “open box” item)?! Put it in the cart! But speaking of “cart,” how’s the whole new contraption going to fit on the teeny antique side table the old dinosaur sat upon? Nope. Gotta go get a new “cart”. Up till 3 AM researching carts on the internet. (I’m fussy, so a new one would have to match our bedroom furniture nicely, not one of those chrome monstrosities). Finally find a TV stand to the tune of $400., but oh, such a perfect match, and what another great deal at a 20% discount! So in between clients, off I go to get the stand. In the meantime, we realize the old TV cable box wasn’t HD compatible, and the new TV is of course HD, so off my husband, Thom goes to deal with Comcast for an upgrade. That was almost the end of Thom, dealing with customer service people in China to pick up a new box one mile away from where he works. Of course they screw up and turn off the cable service in the whole house, so Thom comes home to NO TV ANYWHERE, NOT EVEN THE DINOSAUR TV. (And on a Friday night with Thai takeout, Thom wants his TV!) After 3 hours of intercontinental wrangling, the service is back on, I walk in, overflowing with the new additions to our family, and I now sit here wondering “hmmm….. $770. later, why was it that I had to actually see the news?”

“My Five Point Plan to Survive and Thrive During The Holidays” BlogTalk Radio Episode

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 03:38:00 GMT

NEWSFLASH! (Skype happens – terrible audio on tonight’s show, so I’ll spare you).

Tune into my BlogTalk Radio show, rescheduled to Wednesday, December 5th at 8:30 PM to be part of a compelling and timely episode.

I’ll share my key strategies for not only managing the holiday stressors likely to create depressive and anxious feelings, but also how to set things up to maximize joy, gratitude, connection and meaning with family and friends. Isn’t that what the holidays are supposed to be about?

In this open mic show, listeners are encouraged to call in and share their dilemmas, ideas and stories, to make this episode an interactive experience. To prepare, for less than the price of a latte, callers can get a copy of my original published article, “How To Avoid Disasters At Holiday Family Events” on the Store page of this website.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM on Wednesday, December 5th. If you can’t make the live show, you can hear the recording of it anytime by going to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Hope you can join me!

Using Your Voice

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 19:51:00 GMT

Hallelujah! The election is over, and for the next four years we’re all free from the constant TV ads, robot calls, canvasers, pollsters and pundits, all telling us how to use our voices to vote. Even better, millions of people all over the country, even those hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, found a way to use their voices about who they wanted to govern their states and country. This election may be over, but the mandate is still there – whether it’s for an election, or with your relatives, or in your primary relationships, it’s always critical to know how to develop and use your voice to make your needs known! Using your voice is also critical to finding common ground when considering other people’s needs. So, speak up and be heard! Listen, to hear other’s voices, so you can reach mutually satisfying agreements when you may differ. And now, Congress, we’ll be watching and listening to you…..

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. For more useful details about how and when to speak up, you can now buy my new workbook, “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat! You can get the paperback and the Kindle eBook on the Store page of this site, or find them both on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/Qprh8v

“…Fix Communication Problems” Workbook Now Available on Kindle!

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 15:16:00 GMT

Exciting news! My new little workbook, “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat! is now available as a Kindle eBook! It was just published and can be purchased at: http://amzn.to/TQlnO1

Use tools I’ve developed from YEARS of experience as a couples therapist, and learn to have better communication with all the people who matter to you.

Looking For Work? Tune Into Tonight’s BlogTalk Radio Show at 8:30 PM

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 19:22:00 GMT

Laura Rivchun, Chrysalis Career Coaching

Don’t miss this important BTR episode, “Staying Positive While Looking For Work.” My co-host is Laura Rivchun, Principal at Chrysalis Career Coaching. Together we’ll be discussing the challenges people in career transitions face, particularly in this tough job market. Laura will share her insights and tips for how to “stay in the game” successfully, as well as what things NOT to do if you want to keep your options open.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to just listen in, or to join us live on the air with your questions or comments. If you can’t make the live show, catch the recorded episode at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

“Staying Positive While Looking For Work” BlogTalk Radio episode!

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 01:10:00 GMT

Newsflash! On Wednesday, October 17th at 8:30 PM EST I’ll be doing a BlogTalk Radio episode about this very vital and timely topic. My co-host will be Laura Rivchun, a career coach and mentor from New York City, who will share her insights about the issues people encounter, facing unemployment, and how to manage the process successfully. We’ll be talking about tools for maintaining a positive attitude and avoiding despair and isolation, as well as specific actions to maximize your opportunities to get the best work.

Don’t miss this episode! You can catch it live streaming at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager or call toll-free at: 877-497-9046 to just listen, or to join us live on the air with questions or comments. Either way, hope you’re with us!

The Wifeguard

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 01:48:00 GMT

My husband Thom thinks he’s a regular handyman. He loves to “fix” things like re-wire lamps, unclog dishwasher parts, and make trash drawers slide like they’re supposed to. I affectionately call him “Mr. FixIt” because most things he “fixes” with the best of intentions, end up slightly better in some ways, but still essentially broken.

His real passion, however, is yard work on our land where he gets thrills from chopping down trees, hauling brush, seeding and mowing lawns, and generally riding around in his tractor, happy as a clam. What all this “work” requires, however, given the loud equipment he uses, is a pair of industrial “earmuffs,” supposedly to protect his hearing. But I’m convinced the muffs are for an entirely different thing – to block out my constant requests that he do this or that. I have therefore affectionately, (but I think, aptly), named the muffs “THE WIFEGUARD.”

As a couples therapist and relationship coach, I think my husband has devised a unique marital tool – a perfect way to ignore me without ever having to say anything hurtful or rude. When I shout requests at him, he either doesn’t hear me at all, and just keeps doing his thing, or he smiles at me quizzically, shakes his head, makes a motion that he can’t hear me, and cheerfully keeps going. Occasionally, when I wave my arms and make faces, looking really adamant about being heard, he takes off “the Wifeguard” momentarily and shouts, “What???”

How can I be mad, married to such an industrious, clever guy?

Ah, marriage………

Susan Lager

PS. For access to a somewhat more traditional marital tool, you can get a copy of my newly published book, “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat! You can buy it on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/Qprh8v

What Do The Polls Say?

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 20:13:00 GMT

Have you had the experience of being so uncertain about what to do or think or feel about a particular subject that you go around to key people in your inner circle to ask for advice? My sense is that most people do this at times in relation to something really important or charged. It can be a validating or reassuring experience getting this kind of feedback: (What do others think? What would reasonable people do in this situation)?

There’s something quite different I see some people do with frequency. I call it “polling the peanut gallery,” or gathering opinions whenever there’s a feeling of self doubt or anxiety about a situation. Their fantasy is that there’s a “right” way to operate, and that other people know better what that is. In my experience professionally and personally, I see women more often doing this, maybe because the culture trains women to value connection, and isn’t so great at training women to value their own voices, or internal truths.

If you’re someone who routinely polls your own peanut gallery, chances are it doesn’t help you to develop more trust in your own feelings or perceptions. If the net effect of your polling is to create more confusion as you gather more opinions, than take some time to check in with yourself about what seems right for you , and leave the polling for the upcoming election instead!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. Learn to say what you need. Find out more in my new communication workbook, “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” Get it on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/Qprh8v

Nothing Is Ever Easy!

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 20:03:00 GMT

Have you ever had days where everything you try to do seems to get complicated by red tape or bigger problems?

Try this on for size:

I go to get a routine “balance and rotation” at my local car service place for my practically new (28,000 miles) car I’ve kept in great shape. It ends up requiring new brakes and more complicated fixings I can’t even comprehend, to the tune of more than $300.! (and 3 hours waiting time, not 45 minutes)

I proudly paint all the trim on the back of the house after carefully matching the color to the existing one, only to find it’s mysteriously WAY bluer and more glossy than the previous color, so now it looks like we’ll either have a two-tone trim, with windows and doors and upper floors one color, and the ground floor another color, or I’ll have to re-paint the whole side of the house.

I do my 23rd BlogTalk Radio show, only to discover that the crackling sound of someone eating corn flakes has gotten worse. I don’t eat anything during shows, so I’m not the culprit, it must be the USB port, the Skype connection, or my headset. This mystery has still not been solved….

I get notified of some possible fraudulent activity by some sociopath on my main business credit card, so I have to spend the next week contacting all the billing departments of all the vendors I do business with of the change to a new card. In the process, I discover that not all the passwords on file jive with the ones I have recorded, so that’s another several hours! (Not to mention all the websites that don’t work properly…)

I get notified of an enormous “quality credentialing” process I need to be on file with, which requires me to dig up every detail of my professional life back to the time of the cavemen. (“When did you start and stop using your maiden name, when did you start and stop hyphenating it with your married name”?) Mind you, I have trouble remembering what year I graduated High School, let alone the specific days when I graduated from college and grad school, and what their numbers and faxes are! This requires a trip to my office to actually look at the degrees on my wall.

Then, as I do the bi-annual transfer of clothes from and to the attic (5 huge boxes), I discover that it will take me until next winter to get the whole job done. So what if I’m wearing sandals in February…

And, my favorite pair of cozy, black jeans has totally disappeared. (Probably the same bandit who took off with my credit card number, or the same wiesel who changed the color on the paint can!)

All I can say is two things:

Thank God for my clients with their “normal” problems!
Nothing is ever easy!

PS. For more of my musings about life, love, and the absurd, sign up as a subscriber (on the right) to get loads of free articles.

BlogTalkRadio Show Wednesday, September 19, 2012 8:30 PM: “Fix Communication Problems” Workbook And Other News

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 18:28:00 GMT

Tune into this next BlogTalk Radio episode to hear more about my new workbook, and other news you’ll probably find relevant. I’ll announce my upcoming 2013 Spring Webinar Series, and more radio shows to come.

Listen to the show live streaming at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum or call in toll-free at: 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with questions or comments. (It’s a short show, so you’ll have to talk fast).

Hope you join me!

Susan Lager

Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner Now!

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 14:22:00 GMT

Anything is possible! I’ve just published my new little workbook,

“I’m Talking! Are You Listening? Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat! An Original Couplespeak™ Workbook

It’s now available for purchase on the CreateSpace (a division of Amazon) eStore, and also available directly through Amazon, and other retailers, libraries, etc.

Who would have thought that I’d actually follow through and do this with all the levels of hassle, complications and time involved! My point to you readers is that if I can do this, SO CAN YOU do anything you set your mind to! Set your goal. Connect with your motivation. Line up your daily actions with that goal and motivation. Give yourself some breaks. Find support. Get feedback, and move forward!!

If you’d like to learn how to talk so your partner will listen, and how to listen so your partner will talk, this workbook is for you. It provides you with simple steps to accomplish this, and exercises to help you set the stage for success. And by the way, it doesn’t only apply in marriage or long-term partnerships. It also applies for any key relationships you have where productive conversation can get snagged. If you have a co-worker or a friend or relative you’d like to communicate better with, then this book will be a great tool!

Below is a copy of the eStore page describing the book. You can purchase it directly by going to my CreateSpace eStore below or directly on Amazon.com

“I’m Talking! Are You Listening?”

Fix Communication Problems With Your

Partner In No Time Flat!

– An Original Couplespeak™ Workbook

Authored by Susan Lager LICSW

A seasoned couples therapist and relationship coach shares her secrets, step by step, for better communication with all the people who matter.

List Price: $9.97

8.5″ x 8.5″ (21.59 x 21.59 cm)

30 pages

ISBN-13: 978-1469918846 (CreateSpace assigned)

ISBN-10: 1469918846

My CreateSpace eStore:

https://www.createspace.com/35752

On my Amazon.com page:

http://amzn.to/Qprh8v

Extreme Packing for a Measly Three Day Trip

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 01:44:00 GMT

Does this look familiar? Are you one of the control freaks (like me) who prepares for a little getaway by packing everything you could possibly use in any weather or eventuality?

My husband and I are going for our ritual little end of summer getaway to Block Island for a long weekend. It’s a lovely little escape from all the hustle and bustle of the mainland, and actually reminds of an Ireland – France combo with its rolling hills, stone walls, and ocean cliffs. The problem though, is when you get a weather report which indicates tornados going into the weekend, sunny warm days, and 55 degree nights. So what do I do? I practice extreme packing for 31/2 seasons, bringing everything from bathing suits, beach towels and chairs, to Polartec jackets. We also bring all our own liquor and wine because the prices there are exorbitant. Oh, not to mention the seltzer for spritzers, piles of fruit, sandwiches and chips, cookies and whatnot. Then there’s the workout shoes and outfits for hot, cool, or freezing conditions.

(One of my mottos is “Be prepared!)

The only slight snag in the plan is that we have to fit all this crap in the wee little dinky trunk of our old Beemer 2-person convertible! There’s barely enough room in there for a big sandwich! I wonder what would happen if one year we just played it all by ear, weren’t so over-prepared, and just let whatever happened, happen. Would the sky fall in? Would we have a better time?

I may never know because I’m wedded to the illusion of control …………….

Wish me luck!

Susan Lager

PS. For more of my writings about the deep and the mundane, in and out of relationships, go to my website, www.SusanLager.com

End Of Summer 2012 – New England Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 04:18:00 GMT

Here we are, amazingly in September, when just yesterday it was the beginning of June! Where did the time go? I think most (normal) people feel a twang of sadness at this time of year, saying goodbye to the sweet, long days of summer, when you don’t have to wear socks or coats, or worry about the cold, and the snow.

But in New England, it’s another thing entirely. People here grieve the end of the carefree warmth and sunshine. Typical conversations focus on charming things like: When are you getting a generator? Do you have a decent snowblower? Did you get a roof rake yet? Does that new car you bought have 4 wheel drive? Have you winterized your shrubs? Did you bring in the air conditioners? How’s your winter coat? Did you paint the side of the house yet? Have you raked all the leaves? Did you drain your septic while the ground is unfrozen? Do you have good boots? How are your knees doing? (You’ll need them).

The list of “to do’s” goes on and on, as New Englanders grieve and prepare for:

piles of snow

cabin fever

Nor’Easters

frigid temperatures

dark mornings

dark evenings

shoveling

slipping and sliding

black ice accidents

gaining weight, etc., etc…………

I call it New England Seasonal Affective Disorder, something unique to us in our little corner of the globe. We adore our measly little summers. We love our glorious Fall, but whine incessantly about winter coming. Then when winter is actually here, we marvel at its beauty while we ski, ice skate and snowshoe, or sit by our blazing fires reading books, talking to our spouses, playing instruments, cooking, doing projects. Ah, winter……

The irony is that only a fraction of us New Englanders would trade it all in for a condo in a gated community in Florida. Okay to visit, but no thanks. We’ll stick with our ice and snow, and our seasonal schizophrenia, because we’re tough , and besides, it’s so beautiful here!

Hang in there, (the days get longer again after December 21st!)

Susan Lager

My Sisters

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 05:00:00 GMT

I’ve just spent two weekends, each with one of my wonderful, wacky sisters. Unfortunately, we couldn’t coordinate the visits to Maine so we’d all be together, yakking into the wee hours of the morning, tooling around the coast, sharing secrets, boating, walking, recreational eating, shopping, cooking, jewelry hunting, clothes swapping, laughing and more yakking.

Maybe it’s the aging process, but as we all get older there’s an increased sense of tenderness, compassion, and acceptance of each other, as well as a deeper appreciation of our bond. We no longer take each other for granted. We know full well what a blessing it is to have loving family. If you too are fortunate enough to have sisters (or brothers, for that matter), I hope you too cherish them.

“My sisters and I, friends are we, Best of friends we’ll always be”

Author: Unknown

Cheers,

Susan Lager

“How Love Is Not Enough – Six Critical Factors To Evaluate” BlogTalk Radio show tonight 8/15 8:30 PM

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 21:30:00 GMT

Don’t miss my Blogtalk Radio show tonight at 8:30 PM! I’ll be discussing the six critical factors to evaluate when looking at how healthy or viable a relationship may be, and how people often delude themselves, thinking love alone will get them through. Here’s news for you: love is not enough!!!!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to be able to join me live on the air with questions or comments or stories. I welcome all of it!

If you can’t make the live show, simply catch the recording at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Olympic Effort In Everyday Life

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 04:35:00 GMT

For the past several days I’ve been glued to the Olympics on TV, along with millions of other people all over the world. My husband and I have been cheering and shrieking at the displays of courage, endurance, grace, power, and agility in the summer games in London.

Mostly, I never cease to be amazed by the sheer force of will demonstrated by these athletes, how they push past the threat of horrible injuries, public humiliation, defeat, and the instant loss of their dreams. I’ve decided that they can teach the rest of us regular humans a thing or two, very applicable to ordinary, everyday life:

Keep plugging away at your goals or dreams day by day. Daily practice builds new neural pathways, moving you closer toward mastery with every effort.
Envision your dreams or goal clearly, as though it’s happening now. The imagining provides a form of mental “practice” vital for success, and reminds you about your motivation.
Line up your actions with your goals. Ask yourself if what you’re doing daily or weekly moves you closer to your destination. If not, make necessary adjustments.
Get a “coach,” either literally, or in the form of supportive friends and family who will support you and give you critical feedback about your progress. You can’t succeed at most things in a vacuum.
Create a “team.” Find likeminded people who may share your dreams, and understand the anguish you feel when you fail. They’ll speak your language.
Practice daily, diligent self care. Get away from all or nothing stances, do the best you can with the time and energy you have. Remember that rest is also an important part of the picture.
Monitor your thinking and be vigilant about self defeating or dark thoughts. They have a way of becoming self-fulfilling. If you give up, do it for a bit, and then get back in the game. Be kind to yourself. Congratulate yourself and enjoy your successes.

Remember, olympic effort can only move you closer to a medal of one kind or another!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Love Is Not Enough!

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 19:28:00 GMT

For all of you hopeless romantics out there who think that love conquers all, I have news for you – it’s a delusion! Love is not enough!!

If you’ve been in a relationship where you excuse various kinds of chronic disrespectful, unkind or unfair behaviors, “because deep down I know he (she) loves me,” then I would recommend that you stop and examine a few critical things very closely.

For a limited time, I’ll be offering one hour phone consultations to be used in conjunction with my latest original article, “Love Is Not Enough.” We’ll explore the six major factors which may help you decide if you are wasting precious time, hope, and energy in a dead relationship, or whether there’s a happier pulse which can be amplified.

Contact me by email at: Couplesctr@gmail.com or simply call my office at: 603-431-7131 for information about pricing and availability.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Tools And Treatment For Negative Thoughts, Obsessiveness, And Anxiety

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 21:44:00 GMT

If you or anyone you know suffers from intrusive thoughts, anxiety, or depression, then tune into my BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 8:30 PM. My co-host is Louise Beck, LICSW, a psychotherapist who specializes in Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy. She also does training and workshops on the subject nationally, and internationally, so she’s the expert on this subject.

You can call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 , and be able to join us live on the air with your questions or comments, or catch the show live streaming at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

If you can’t make the hour long show at 8:30 PM you can always listen to an archived recording of it on my showpage, “The Couplespeak Relationship Forum,” (same URL). I hope you can join us one way or the other! We’ll all learn a lot!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Negative Thinking And Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy Tools

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 03:00:00 GMT

If you are a victim of negative thinking with all its distortions and catastrophic themes, tune into my next BlogTalk Radio episode on Wednesday, July 18th at 8:30 PM. My co-host will be Louise Beck, LICSW, a renowned specialist in this field, who travels the world training and inspiring people to use the time-tested tools of Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy. You CAN learn to manage your negative thoughts so they don’t manage you!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join us live on the air with your questions or comments, or catch this episode of The Couplespeak Relationship Forum live streaming at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager If 8:30 PM is past your bedtime, you can always listen to the recorded show at the same site when you’re more awake.

Looking Through Fresh Eyes

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 03:23:00 GMT

My husband Thom, and I had a great time yesterday “dubbing around” our house and land, fixing things, spiffing things up, and creating more order and beauty. It was very satisfying to get so many little projects completed! We then had such a feeling of accomplishment, that the next day we rewarded ourselves by boating on our favorite lake all day – just doing nothing.

The thing that sparked the frenzy of activity the first day was the act of looking through fresh eyes at our surroundings. I’ll often get great ideas watching HGTV, seeing all the different ways people arrange their homes and yards, especially as they proceed with remodeling or moving. The last few shows made me aware of the beauty and simplicity of hardwood floors, and how we’ve hidden ours with area rugs. So, looking through fresh eyes, I could see more open, spacious rooms without the carpets. Out went the carpets, and (excuse the pun), but we’re both floored by the difference! Sometimes things get stale and we don’t even notice it.

Why am I talking about carpets and floors? Because if you do the same thing with all your key relationships, and look at them through fresh eyes, you’re likely to see some things differently. You may notice how much reciprocity there really is; how much, and in what ways affection and respect are manifested. With a spouse, take a new look at how much intimacy you’re really creating, or how old, worn out agreements may still be operating. With parents, notice how the boundaries are honored. Think of this as a kind of refreshing of these connections. Ask yourself what a reasonable outsider might see, where there’s room for change, and how you too, looking through fresh eyes, might be able to reshape your relationships.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. For articles filled with insights about how to transform your relationships, go to the “Products” page of this website.

(Almost) Giving Up

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 03:42:00 GMT

Among the 10,000 other things I’ve been working on, I’ve been writing two books for the past eight or so months. They’re the first two in a series of Couplespeak™ guides about surviving and thriving in relationships. One is done, and in the complicated process of being properly formatted for publishing, and the other is soon to be born. I think they’ll both be wonderful – that is, if I don’t give up.

I’ve wanted to give up for the past few months, because of all the hassles and challenges of the project, and my wise, almost 25 year old son Alec says, “Mom, don’t give up! You’re about 85% of the way there!”

He’s right. It’s like deciding you might not want to have the baby when you’re entering your ninth month of pregnancy, and there’s nothing wrong with the baby! You wanted this baby. You planned it, did everything right. Now you want to bale?

The logical, mature therapist part of me knows this is probably “Fear of Success.” Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? We’re all familiar with “Fear of Failure,” but why would anyone fear success? And yet, most people have, at some point in their lives, hesitated or sabotaged themselves around some important project or dream, or most commonly, sabotaged a good relationship. That I see every day! People on the threshold of really positive developments, and they can’t integrate it psychologically, because it doesn’t jive with all their negative self scripts, so they just give up.

I saw a TV interview with the Principal of an inner city high school who talked about his daily battle to keep his students on track, competing with the lure of gangs and drugs. When asked if he ever felt like giving up, he laughed and said, “Of course! I actually do give up for a period of time every day. Then I go back, and continue to fight the battle.”

Maybe that’s the clue. Let yourself give up when you need to, then remember why you’ve been in it, and go back to your dream.

Giving up – for now ,

Susan Lager

P.S. The name of the book is, “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat! (Coming out next month, if I give up just a little each day).

Sweet Father’s Day 2012

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 16:57:00 GMT

Our family officially celebrated Father’s Day a week early, because that’s when our son was able to make the trek home from Connecticut. That meant that on the actual day, it was just my husband, “the Father,” and me, celebrating him as a great Dad.

I bought him a printer compatible with his iPad, which he loved, and then gifted him with a surprise excursion upstate New Hampshire which I had fully planned. We started the day with the present and a pot of coffee, which we enjoyed on the deck overlooking our garden – very “Martha Stewart”. We then “dubbed around” our land, picking weeds and flowers, and congratulating ourselves for all the beauty we’ve created. (That part is an almost daily ritual). Then we loaded up the kayaks and the car with supplies, and took off for the “surprise” trip to Squam Lake (“Golden Pond”), in Holderness, New Hampshire, munching on our “breakfast to go.” (He’d had a feeling it was probably Squam).

Unbeknownst to me, it was the last day of Motorcycle Week in Weirs Beach, which we had to go through to get to the lake, so the last leg of the journey was very interesting , complete with 200,000 bikers from all over, many of whom were Hells Angels. By the time we landed the kayaks it was 3:30, and as usual, most people were beginning to head home. That was just fine, as we had most of the giant lake to ourselves, as we often do on our trips, with our weird schedule. (We tooled all around France without reservations for two weeks in 1986 after a terrorist bombing, and never saw an American).

We paddled around for a few hours, admiring the stately summer homes and the mountains, as I watched my blissful husband, thinking, “these moments are precious, savor them, savor being with him, it’s not a given!”

We then left the lake and headed for Lago, a lakeside inn and restaurant at the northern point of Winnipesaukee. They serve drinks on the lawn at the water’s edge, where you sit in adirondack chairs, looking down the lake toward the mountains. It’s one of our favorite places, and we had it all to ourselves, because it was a Sunday night, and most (normal) people were already headed home. Then we had a lovely dinner at a table right by the window, watching the sunset.

It was the most perfect Father’s Day, and I kept thinking, “Why do we wait for special occasions to gift and acknowledge each other in this way? Why don’t we all appreciate each other like this every day?”

I hope you too had a lovely Father’s Day.

Susan Lager

P.S. To get a good sense of how strong your marriage is, and where it might need some tending, get a copy of my original Marital Wellness Evaluation on the “Products” page of this site.

Lower Your Expectations!

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 03:36:00 GMT

How often have you set yourself up for a big disappointment by counting on an experience or a situation to be a certain way? I hear about people doing this all the time. You want flowers, but they have to be red roses, so if you get daisies, they don’t count. You anticipate a fabulous weekend having fun in the sun, then when it rains, all your plans literally get soaked, and you’re miserable. You get married expecting unending romance and bliss, then when the reality of arguments and differences sets in, you’re headed for divorce court. The problem is your expectations!

Research studies have shown that unrealistically high expectations of ourselves result in lower success rates with goals, and lowered feelings of satisfaction – that people set themselves up for “failure” with inflated notions of “success.” The dieting industry is a perfect testimony to this.

When our son was just a teeny tadpole I used to get all excited by the prospect of going on adventures with him. I’d research, plan, pack, and expect glorious things. I was a “stay-at-home mother,” so one of the benefits was time to do lots of fun stuff, NOT at home. The complication was that he had severe asthma attacks which would require immediate medical attention, sometime in the form of a trip to the local emergency room. So much for my elaborate plans……

Ironically, the day I decided to lower my expectations, was the day that my parenting experience began to really get wonderful and interesting. I adopted the attitude that maybe we’d go with the plan, maybe not, but something else would emerge, perhaps better in some way. It helped me relax and be “in the moment,” as they say, even if that moment was in the ER, or heaven forbid, staying at home.

Moral of the story? Lower your expectations regarding “ideal outcomes,” and watch your happiness level go way up!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

“Men, Women and Weight,” Blogtalk Radio Show Wednesday, 6/6 8 PM!

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 13:26:00 GMT

Tune into my next exciting Blogtalk Radio show, “Men, Women and Weight, An Exploration of Body Politics” featuring Mary Jo Martin, Ph.D., an expert in the field of eating disorders and body issues.

It should be a fascinating episode dealing with the compelling issue of weight, body image distortion, how our culture is a culprit, and findings about effective or ineffective treatments.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 if you’d like to be able to join us live on the air with questions or comments, or go to www.BlogtalkRadio.com/SusanLager to listen in while we’re recording, or at your convenience listen in to the archived, recorded episode.

We’re airing Wednesday, June 6th at 8 PM EST.

Hope you join us! It should be a terrific show we can all learn from.

Another Birthday!

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 04:28:00 GMT

I’m about to have (yet another!) birthday. Before last night I was feeling quite bleak about it, thinking that time is running out, and that I’ll never accomplish all the things I’d like to, never see all the places I want to see, never master all the challenges facing me, never read all the books I’d love to, never connect sufficiently with all the people I’d want to, and never learn all the things I want to learn. “Time is the enemy,” I kept thinking all day as I wrangled with stupid internet problems. Mind you, I do not have a terminal illness as far as I know, so it was just depressive thinking about inevitable endings and limitations.

Meanwhile, a bit of context: I was sitting at home on a rainy day, looking out at my beautiful garden, having done a rigorous workout in my fully equipped gym, intermittently chatting with my loving son and future daughter-in-law, petting the cat.

That evening, my husband came home, and in an excited, conspiratorial tone, spoke for the group, telling me we were all going to some new restaurant in Sanford, Maine. (?????) It was just a bit fishy, as Sanford is the nondescript, country town you go through to go to our lake, not a place for a special birthday. I knew something was up when “en route,” we turned into the driveway of our good friends Kathy and John, who greeted us with a wonderful surprise party complete with “Happy Birthday Susan!” signs all over their giant, food and drink-filled kitchen. The evening was filled with fun and laughter, as we told stories, ate, drank, and played “Catch Phrase,” as though there was a winner’s prize worth millions. Then this morning, my family again treated me like a queen, as we celebrated at a lovely brunch, telling jokes, opening presents, and marveling at the persistent rain.

So, as I finish this post, I’m now one year older, with obviously less time ahead, but lots more loving and living to do, and much to be thankful for.

Happy Birthday to me!

The Art of Doing Grey

Tue, 22 May 2012 04:01:00 GMT

I had a silly fight with my husband Thom tonight because he doesn’t “do grey”!

He recently got a new schedule at work, which gives him a long weekend, allowing more time for all kinds of fun, chores and projects. We’ve always had an unstated agreement (maybe we don’t!), that the person not going into work will do dishes, make the bed, set up dinner, so the at-work person can come home to some order and calm, and something reasonable to eat. Basic thoughtfulness.

Because Thom doesn’t “do grey,” he gets all caught up in whatever he’s doing with a vengeance, and forgets to go to the bathroom, let the cat out, and unfortunately, forgets to do the dishes, make the bed, and prepare a measly meal. This time he even went to get some Vodka for himself, and was so excited to get back to his muddy lawn, he forgot to get me some wine. (I don’t drink much, but I enjoy a chilled white wine spritzer in the evenings.)

Thom lives in the Land of Black and White, where if you’re seeding the lawn or hauling rocks or planting tomatoes, there’s no room for extraneous, “grey” things, like meal prep, etc. It’s one thing or the other. So when I drove up, all tired and happy to see him after a long day’s work, up he comes from out of our woods, covered in dirt, yakking about his peppers, tomatoes, and grass. I go into the house which looks like a bomb hit it, dishes everywhere, no wine, no food, an unmade bed, and a totally unwelcoming scene. I’ll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say, I felt unconsidered, unwelcomed. I was glad he’d had a lovely day, but will never understand why there’s no room for even half an hour of “grey”!

Do you too, live in the Land of Black and White, or do you too, do “grey”?

Curious,

Susan Lager

PS. For more insights about how to live a mature life, with sufficient “grey”, go to my “Products” page for articles galore. ��

Smart Summer Planning

Sat, 19 May 2012 04:52:00 GMT

Here we are nearing the end of May (!), summer is around the corner for most people on this part of the planet, and I’m wondering how many of you, single or coupled, have made any significant summer plans.

What I observe many people here in the Northeastern US doing is to avoid the subject, or fret about it without making decisions, or fight about it. Then Fall comes and many of these Northeasterners anguish about all the fun stuff they could have done and didn’t, while the weather was friendly. We therapists call this kind of behavior NEUROTIC!

Here’s a better idea for smart summer planning:

Start thinking about your vision for a lovely summer, early, ideally in April or May.
If you’re part of a couple, make a date to share your visions with each other, then create a mix which incorporates key parts of what you each want.
Coupled or single, be adventurous and try new experiences and places. It’s good for you.
If you have children of camp age, make reservations early, and factor what you and your partner need as a couple into the mix. Don’t let every minute be about the kids! Nurture yourselves too!
If you’re single, think about what kinds of experiences will provide you with ample, meaningful social connections. Don’t allow yourself to feel more marginalized in this coupled world.
Look realistically at your “To Do” list of projects and chores. If most of it feels like drudgery, set limits on your expectations. Many disappointments come from unrealistically ambitious expectations, and an imbalance between the “need to’s” and “want to’s”. Use cloudy or rainy days for the chores, so you don’t feel short-changed in the fun department on Labor Day.
Build in time to stop and “smell the roses”. Over-scheduling often creates undo stress and anxiety.
Create an ‘end of summer’ ritual, celebrating the season, and heralding in the unique beauty of the Fall season about to unfold.
Rinse and repeat for Fall.

Enjoy!

Susan Lager

PS. You can now purchase articles about various relationship and personal growth issues, with tools for positive change, on the “Products” page of this website.

For anyone wanting hands-on couples training, you can also find unique, original Couplespeak™ programs only available here at www.SusanLager.com

Mothers Everywhere

Sat, 12 May 2012 05:20:00 GMT

Earlier tonight I went to a yearly fundraising auction for Sweetzer Services in Maine, an organization serving children and families in need. Many of the children have families who have serious mental health issues, or parents who cannot care for them. Many of the children live in group home settings, without families of their own in their lives. It’s always heartbreaking and heartwarming to hear their stories of survival and hope.

Whenever I go, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to help in some small financial way. I’m also reminded about what it must be like to grow up without a mother, or a family of one’s own.

I think it fitting, that on the eve of this Mother’s Day, mothers everywhere not diminish the critical role they play in the shaping of a child’s life through love, constancy and protection. For all you mothers who wrestle with self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, exhaustion, and occasional despair, (most mothers?), remember that without your (flawed) love your children would be lost.

So, cut yourself a bit of slack, do your best, and celebrate your heroic role. Happy Mother’s Day!

Drunk Drivers

Wed, 09 May 2012 04:46:00 GMT

I had the most unnerving experience driving home tonight from work at about 9 PM. (Yes, I work late some nights, but don’t roll into work until noon most days.)

I go home via a long, winding, country road which is beautiful by moonlight. I pass farms, fields, barns, stately old Maine colonial homes, ramshackle cottages with lobster traps and junk all over their yards, coastal inlets, deer, foxes, and all things wild and natural. The trip home is usually a lovely site-seeing interval after an intense work day. Not tonight.

I was directly behind someone in a pickup truck who at first seemed to be doing some site-seeing of their own, weaving back and forth in the lane. Before long, they were veering into the oncoming traffic lane, then all the way back, almost into the snow ditch, barely avoiding utility poles and mailboxes. It was obviously a very drunk driver, having trouble staying on the road, but too drunk to get off the road, and out of harm’s way. I noted the license plate, called 911, and reported the event, thinking I’d be ruining this driver’s night, but the alternative was deadly. From the comfort and anonymity of my car, this was an easy choice.

It made me wonder, however, if I’d have the courage to stand up alone , and speak up in a not so anonymous situation, if I were witness to some reckless or unconscionable act.

I’d like to think so. Would you?

Always,

Susan Lager

PS. You can now buy my newest article, “Format For A Productive Couples Check-in,” on the Products page of this website at: http://wp.me/P1ayQF-d6 You’ll get key tools for how to engage with your partner productively around any problem!

Are You A Lazy Husband?

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 04:20:00 GMT

Calling all lazy husbands! You (should) know who you are: you leverage your wife’s need to keep the peace, her need for order, her need to please, to take care of everyone, her guilt, her less than terrific self esteem, etc. You cash in on it with lots of napping, watching TV, drinking beer, puttering in the garage, puttering with your car or motorcycle, yakking with the neighbors (also remiss husbands), checking your email, looking at porn, and just being a couch potato with the dog or cat.

Don’t get me wrong – there are plenty of loving, generous husbands who do their fair share of the work on the home front. There are also lots of wives who drop the ball on their husbands, letting them do 80% of the work, while they work out, play tennis, have lunch with friends, and shop, or read, or putter around. Right now I’m focusing on husbands who cop out, because it’s probably a more common complaint wives have, than husbands have, and because I can’t talk about everything at once.

If you’ve heard your wife complain with some frequency about your lack of participation around the house, you can either discount her as a chronic, unprovoked nag, or you can do some soul searching about the possible kernels of truth in her complaints. If you choose the latter, you might want to examine what you’re trying to accomplish with doing less. Maybe, it’s your way of flipping her the bird, because you feel resentful about things the two of you don’t discuss. Maybe you feel unappreciated for the other things you do in your life together. Maybe the two of you have set up a “parent-child” dynamic, with you playing the part of the lax child, needing to be scolded by a parent, a scenario which might mirror your family of origin dynamic. Maybe it’s your way of getting attention, feeling short-changed by your wife’s attention to the kids and relatives. Maybe you were just trained by your family to expect others to wait on you, and feel it’s your entitlement.

Whatever drives your under-functioning, be aware that it always has consequences. Don’t expect her to be warm and fuzzy in the bedroom, when the context is one of disparate contribution to the work load.

Don’t think she’ll forget it and be available for fun and lightness, with time and distraction. Don’t expect to feel good about yourself, down deep, when you know on some level that you aren’t carrying your own weight. Do expect resentment, a disengaged, cold shoulder, more nagging, and a buildup of contempt.

The good news is that if you use your words about what bothers you or what you need, instead of acting it out through under-functioning, you can open up potentially constructive dialogue about who needs what, and what to do about it. It’s far more constructive and mature. You’ll also avoid the unpleasantness of life in the dog house. It’s your call……

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

Couple skills can be learned! Two powerful, new Couplespeak™ coaching programs available!

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 05:42:00 GMT

As of today, I am now offering two powerful new coaching programs for people in partnerships.

The CoupleSchool Fast-Track Program is a four session, in person or Skype, private Couplespeak™ training experience specifically tailored to new couples, new parents, or newly retired couples wanting to develop realistic expectations for the relationship going forward. Learn the “6 C’s” essential to all intimate partnerships, and get off to a great start! It will be a fast education worth having!

The Couplespeak™ Relationship Tune-up is a six session, in person or Skype, private training experience ideal for couples in a committed partnership, who feel stuck in conflict, communication problems, or a lack of connection and vitality. This unique program utilizes original Couplespeak™ materials derived from my many years as a board certified, licensed couples therapist, having helped thousands of individuals and couples to solve their partnership problems and to achieve more joy.

PS. Remember: Couple skills are learnable!

Kayaking As a Bonding Tool For Couples

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 05:13:00 GMT

My husband and I have been kayaking for about fifteen years, long before it became a “cool” thing to do. It started as a family activity with our son, and now that we’re (sort of) “empty nesters”, it continues to be the miracle cure for all that ails us as a couple. You can see from the picture on the left that it seems to have the same effect on that couple!

We began this season last Sunday on a pristine pond in York, Maine. We were both facing grueling work weeks, taxes, piles of Spring chores, calls to be returned, bills to be paid, dishes, laundry, and enough other stuff to make us bark at each other all morning. Then, after less than two minutes on the water, all was bliss. We were smiling, “cloud painting,” taking pictures of turtles, and joyfully paddling around the pond.

I’ve come to the conclusion that kayaking is the perfect antidote to stress, and the perfect bonding tool for couples, singles, or groups. You’re totally in the moment of the movement through the water, the breeze on your skin, negotiating the in’s and out’s of the shoreline, and watching the wildlife (we once had a moose swim right in front of our boats!). I prefer solo kayaks, because they allow you each to do your own thing when you want to, then be together when you want that. It’s the perfect balance of independence and connection. Getting there requires the collaborative effort of putting the boats onto your car carrier and tying them down, then taking them off and launching, then putting them back up again. Often you bring a snack or picnic lunch. In warmer weather you can swim or just float around. If you’re a high adrenaline couple, you can savor the thrills of white water together. (I’ve enjoyed that too, though not exactly “relaxing.”)

No, I’m not a rep for a kayak company. I’m telling you this because kayaking is one kind of “high energy fun,” and fun is vital for couples to experience together for bonding. It’s also the kind of “in the moment” activity vital for all of us, coupled or not, to have in our “refueling” repertoires.

So, if you’re near water, try it! If boating isn’t your thing, do something else which brings you pleasure, and takes you away from all the busy stressors in your life.

Cheers and Happy Spring!

Susan Lager

PS. My new “CoupleSchool Fast-Track Program” is now available for sale on the “Products” page of this website at: http://wp.me/P1ayQF-d6

“Women Loving Women” BlogTalk Radio Show 4/11 8 PM!

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 02:15:00 GMT

Don’t miss this vital show about the struggles and strengths of lesbian relationships, and how faith and The Church can have a key impact on the core issues involved. My co-host is Dr. Leanne Tigert, a licensed pastoral psychotherapist, ordained minister, educator, internationally recognized keynote speaker, facilitator, and writer who specializes in the area of diversity, conflict management, sexuality, and religion.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 and join us live on the air!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Tax Time Crazies

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 01:58:00 GMT

Everyone moans about it. Nobody has a viable alternative though, if you like having drivable roads, safe bridges, public schools, and such things.

My best advice? Remind yourself that:

This is the un-fun part of being an adult.
This too shall pass – at least until next year…….

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Premature Planting

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 15:16:00 GMT

If you live here in the Northeast, you too were probably baffled and delighted by the unseasonably, record breaking hot weather last week. I’m talking mid to high 80’s in mid March! Everyone went from layers of wool bundling to practically naked overnight. What also happened was a lot of overly optimistic, premature planting of gardens by people who figured it’s now Spring, just because it actually is Spring. Big mistake. Lots of folks have now set themselves up for the bitter disappointment and frustration of frostbitten veggies and flowers when the arctic weather returns during “mud season.”

This may seem like a stretch, but I think sometimes when we “prematurely plant”, presuming certain outcomes, rather than patiently waiting for things to unfold, as sometimes they must, we set up avoidable aggravations down the road. (Isn’t that what they mean by the saying, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch”?)

Some things, like the weather, cannot be controlled, counted on, or rushed, so try to be mindful of where you make idealistic presumptions which then govern your actions. In my case, when the temperature hit 83 degrees last week, I somehow resisted the urge to haul my 10,000 pairs of boots up to the attic to make room for my 15,000 pairs of open-toed, summer shoes. Good thing, because had I not, I’d now have frostbitten feet and boxes all over my bedroom, needing to be reloaded!

Be careful about what you count on!

Shivering,

Susan Lager

PS. If you’d like more of my in depth, original articles about all kinds of issues, go to the “Products” page of my website www.SusanLager.com where you can buy them for a pittance. With Easter around the corner, you might want to purchase “How To Avoid Disasters At Holiday Family Events.”

If you’re totally broke, approaching our beloved tax season, just subscribe to my site for a long list of “Free Reports” (Sign up button is on the right side of this page.) Whatever you do, STOP PLANTING VEGGIES NOW IF YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND! BE PATIENT!

I’m Back! (And Refueled)

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 19:29:00 GMT

I know, it’s been two weeks with me incognito, unfortunately not hanging out sipping Pina Colada’s on a beach in the Caribbean. The much less lovely truth is that I’ve been getting my personal taxes ready for my accountant, working hours each day assembling documentation, and tabulating figures. I’d rather be tarred and feathered than endure this each year, so when I come up for air, I’m religious about rewarding myself and “refueling” with someone special. This time it was with my beloved “baby” sister, Laurelei, as I call her.

We spent more than four days yakking, shopping, site seeing, eating, speed walking, watching “Doc Martin” for hours on end, and yakking. Did I already mention that? It was pure heaven, partly because we’re very well aligned in interests, but mostly because we adore and enjoy each other. Whenever she leaves to return to New York City, I feel a weird mixture of sadness and fullness – not only in relation to all the food we ate, but mostly related to the joy of our connection.

I’m telling you this because I think it’s vital for everyone to have someone to “refuel” with. It doesn’t have to be a family member if your family is “vile” (as Doc Marin says). It just needs to be someone you enjoy who fills you with good energy, so you can go back to the grind of whatever you need to do with a sense of connection, and the experience of living well and fully.

What relationships refuel you?

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. The Wednesday, March 21st 8:30 PM Blogtalk Radio show has been rescheduled to Wednesday, April 4th at 8:30 PM. I will announce the topic and guest soon, so stay tuned……

Blogtalk Radio Show! “Compassion, Unity, Fairness and Fun” 3/7 8:30PM

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 03:01:00 GMT

Tune in to my next BlogTalk Radio show for an open microphone session discussing my thoughts and your thoughts about compassion, unity, fairness, and fun in marriage and close relationships.

Share your questions and stories about these issues as you see them playing out in your own marriage or close partnership. Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 or catch this episode live streaming through the web player on the right. If you can’t join us live, catch the recorded show at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

Weird Day

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 05:29:00 GMT

How’s this for a weird day:

I wake up to a spider lazily crawling across my hand. I go downstairs to find Mackey, my cat, has vomited all over his food bowl. He’s looking very bored as he sits illegally atop our most precious Italian leather chair. I go onto my computer to check my email, only to find that all the information in the footer area of my website has mysteriously disappeared. My webmaster has also mysteriously disappeared, and no longer works for the hosting company.The weird day is now into full swing…..

I’m en route to an orthopedic appointment when a Sirius XM radio show about affairs comes on, and before I know it, I’m on the air, excitedly chatting with the usually arrogant host, even though I’m in heavy traffic and now late for the doc. I meet with the doc who seems like he’s stoned, show him the mysterious bump on my foot, and he tells me, no, contrary to public opinion, I won’t need a major, bone-shaving operation, I just walk an awful lot, here’s two cheap insoles, walk less. I get a rare parking spot directly in front of my building, so, for once, no need to walk. I see several clients, and they’re all having a wonderful week, no problems in sight (?) I find as yet unidentified brown, chewy things in my salad, but hungrily eat it anyway. I spend the next hour waiting to die. Nothing remarkable happens, except my fax machine won’t work. I go to my mailbox, and there’s nothing there, not even a coupon. I see some very big, strange thing swimming in the pond outside my window. (????)…… Later, my husband and I watch a movie we both like, and he actually stays awake for the whole thing!

Some days are just weird.

I’m outta here,

Susan Lager

PS. For more precious insights, check out this website.

PSS. What do you think happened to the footer?

Growing Through Grief BlogTalk Radio Show

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:40:00 GMT

For anyone who missed my 2/22/12 BlogTalk Radio show “Growing Through Grief” with Ashley Davis Bush, psychotherapist, grief expert, and author of “Transcending Loss” and “Shortcuts to Inner Peace,” I would STRONGLY recommend that you tune into the recorded show by going to the site: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager . We had a record number of live listeners and callers because the subject was so compelling! We talked about how grievers can transcend loss, what the challenges are, and journey generally looks like. Callers shared their stories of loss and struggle, and Ashley helped them look at realistic expectations for the process, as well as some tools for dealing with significant losses, and getting to some meaning-making through it.

There are times when I wonder why I go to the trouble of dealing with such a time-consuming, challenging endeavor outside my day job , but not this time. I think anyone who has wrestled with grief and loss, (even if it’s been about a deceased pet), will benefit from this episode. Trust me on this one.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. EXCITING NEWS! You can finally purchase original articles about various relationship issues on my website! The store is open for business at long last! Go to the “Products” page of this site. You’ll find useful tools for all kinds of relationship situations and dilemmas.

Dealing With Loss

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 21:52:00 GMT

Here’s some exciting news!

On Wednesday, February 22nd at 8:30 PM EST, my next BlogTalk Radio show, “Growing Through Grief”, will feature Ashley Davis Bush LCSW, psychotherapist and author of the best-selling books, “Transcending Loss” , and “Shortcuts To Inner Peace.”

We’ll be dealing with the issue of grief, and how it can be a springboard for healthy growth. This show is a must for anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one, even the loss of a beloved pet. Bush, an expert in this arena, will shed light on the issue of healthy vs. unhealthy grieving, tools for meaning-making, and the appropriate role for partners around the loss.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to listen in, or to join us live on the air with questions or comments. If you can’t make it then, listen to the recorded show at your convenience by going to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

I’m sure it will be an enlightening episode.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Guilty Pleasure

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:16:00 GMT

I have a confession to make. I’ve just finished the final episode of season four of “Breaking Bad,”and I’m beside myself. What will evenings be like without the punctuation of bloody drug cartel wars, Walter’s chronic, obsessive lies covering all his suicidal choices, Jesse’s hopeless incompetence, Skyler’s opportunistic manipulations, Hank’s shrewd D.E.A. determination, and oh, most of all, the murderous kingpin Gus, we all hate to love? The sheer thrill of watching these characters play out their bizarre agendas has been akin to the fascination of witnessing a train wreck in slow motion, or stopping to steal a peek at the blood in a gory highway accident. Horrible things happening to other people. Revenge brutally extracted by other people. But the very worst consequences miraculously avoided, time and again. Ah, TV……

By day, my therapist world is governed by the ethics of sound judgment, compassion, mindfulness, delayed gratification, consequences for all actions, law abiding work, cooperation, mutual benefit. No place for this dog eat dog, kill or be killed, survival of the fittest stuff. What a guilty pleasure, however, to spend 48 minutes several times a week dancing with total destruction! (I’m sure they’ll find some link to lowered cortisol levels resulting in a healthier, longer life, don’t you think?)

I’d better find another “train wreck” show, got any suggestions?

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. When you’re up for something productive, (outside your own guilty pleasure), tune in to my next BlogTalk Radio episode, “Effective Trauma Treatment and its Impact on Relationships”, featuring Phil Harford, an expert in this field. It’s on Wednesday, Feb. 8th at 8:30 PM. Call in toll-free at: 877-497-9046 to listen, and if you want, to join us live on the air. It should be a very interesting and informative show! (Walter, Jesse, and Gus sure could have used the knowledge).

Bipartisan Solutions (In Relationships)

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 04:40:00 GMT

If you’re at all like me you probably have a TV, and are subjected daily to news about all the rancor between the Republican, and Independent candidates competing to be the nominee against Barack Obama in the next presidential race. If you’re a real glutton for punishment, (like me), you probably also watch the news about all the fighting in Congress over issues about healthcare, job creation, and the national debt, etc.

We see the players hit stalemates with some frequency, polarizing about the “right” or “wrong” view of the issues, and then about “right” or “wrong” solutions to those problems. What’s missing most often are bipartisan solutions which incorporate mutual concerns, and work well enough for everybody.

This is what I see happens for lots of couples. They argue about what really happened, who started the problem, and what the “right” solution would be. (Does this sound familiar?) The issue could be as mundane as which restaurant to go to for dinner, or as weighty as how and when to discipline the children. Whatever the issue, it’s a battle for who will get their way, and who will be acknowledged as “right”. But if one partner is “right”, then that makes the other one “wrong”. If one “wins,” the other loses.

If you’re guilty of this polarizing stance, as most of us are at times, just look at the political scene to get an accurate picture of the likely outcome. It doesn’t bode well for any relationships, whether you’re a member of Congress facing legislation with your peers, or whether you’re in a couple dealing with disciplining the kids. If you want happier relationships with everyone, then you must “reach across the aisle” and seek “bipartisan solutions”!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. If you’re interested in seeing my initial selection of articles which will give you tools and insights about how to have happier, closer relationships with everybody, go to the “Products” page of my website www.SusanLager.com . The page will be open for purchases any day now! (I promise).

PSS. (The holdup isn’t because I’m sitting around yelling at the TV 24/7. It’s because I’ve been in the process of publishing my first book, “I’m Talking! Are You Listening? Fix Communication Problems With Your Partner In No Time Flat!”) Look for it soon on Amazon.com in paperback, then soon afterward as an ebook available for Kindle.

Sisters: The Good, The Bad, And The In-Between, One Year Later

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 04:06:00 GMT

Hard to believe it, but it’s been a year since my wildly popular BlogTalk Radio show with my two outspoken, “different as night and day” sisters! There were so many listeners, and such great feedback, that we decided to do an encore broadcast. This time we’ll be reflecting back on the changes we each went through in 2011, and the changes we may have noticed in our relationship with each other. We’ll also talk about time passing, and looming closer to old age, especially as Laura, the “baby” turns 61 on Friday the 13th. (poor Laura….)

So, tune in tomorrow night, Wednesday, January 11th at 9 PM EST. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 and join the party as a listener, or join us live on the air and pitch in your 2 cents. If you can’t make the show at 9 PM, you can listen to the recording on the BlogTalk Radio webplayer on the right column of this website. See it?

One way or another, you’ll get a peek at my wild, crazy, wonderful family.

Till then,

Susan Lager

Pushing Yourself

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 07:34:00 GMT

I had a very decadent day today. Woke up at 11 AM (up writing till the wee hours of the morning), had a big breakfast, hung around in PJ’s, went for a measly half hour speed walk, and worked on my soon- to- be-(finally!)-published ebook, “Radically Raise Your Relationship IQ”. In my world, this day was total sloth. No chores, no major accomplishments, never even got dressed or went outside, other than for the measly walk! Just hung out doing my thing while my husband busily stacked wood all day, enjoying the balmy winter afternoon, and his industriousness. However, the sloth was soon to be interrupted by an obligatory attendance at a multimedia show in town.

Our son had given us the tickets as one of his Christmas gifts, so we had to haul ourselves out of our respective cocoons, get dressed and put on party faces for the Saturday night date. It required such a pushing of ourselves to do this, that we had a mini fight in the car en route to the new restaurant where we’d made a dinner reservation. The last person in the world I wanted to sit across a table from was my irritating husband.

We ended up having a lovely dinner, however, after making conciliatory gestures to each other, walked around Portsmouth, had a latte in a cafe, went to the show, ran into a wonderful old friend we hadn’t seen in ages, and had an absolutely terrific evening!

The moral of this little tidbit is that sometimes you just have to push yourself to get out of your comfort zone, get out of the house and make room for a surprise experience. You’ll never know what awaits you if you don’t.

Pushing myself to go to sleep,

Susan Lager

PS. Stay tuned for my next Blogtalk Radio show, “Sisters, The Good, The Bad, and The In Between, One Year Later” on Wednesday, January 11th at 9 PM. Call in toll-free: 877-497-9046 and join us live on the air for what should be a wild show with my outrageous sisters!

The New Year’s Blues

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 00:49:00 GMT

I’m not going to start by saying “Happy New Year”, ok? If you’re reading this blog entry, you’re probably bummed about facing your (tedious, overwhelming) everyday life now that the party’s over, and you’re not feeling very happy. Maybe you’re in good company with millions of people suffering from Seasonal Affective Depression (SAD), getting more glum as the daylight hours are diminished. If so, get the special light for that, and sit if front of it at least 15 minutes per day. It will help immensely. And cheer up – after December 21st the daylight hours expand bit by bit every single day until June 21st when it goes the other way and we’re all screwed again.

Maybe you don’t have S.A.D., but you drank too much, ate too much, spent too much, and overall had WAY too much fun during the holidays. If so, don’t worry – I’m not going to offer you chirpy advice about how to stay positive and get back on the horse. Go look EVERYWHERE else for that “helpful” stuff. Instead, I have two words for you to repeat to yourself frequently during the next week or two as you feel that dreaded New Year’s “back to the grind” feeling:

“SO WHAT?” That’s right, “SO WHAT?”

Unless you’re clinically depressed , (in which case the above doesn’t apply, and you should seek professional help), most people don’t die from feeling sorry for themselves occasionally. So enjoy your pity party, complain to all your friends and family, listen to their complaints, slog around, and milk it for all it’s worth, knowing that you’re “normal”, and in great company with loads of people. Chances are by mid January, you’ll get sick of the whole routine, and will be ready for the next thing.

Hang in there,

Susan Lager

PS. Stay tuned for my “next things”, which are my long overdue Ebooks and articles available for sale later this month on the “products” page of this website. You can get a “sneak preview” right now if you want.

2011 Year In Review

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 05:19:00 GMT

We’re at that point we get to each year when we’re bombarded with images in the media of the past year. We note infamous crimes, acts of heroism, deaths, political highs and lows, social events, foreign developments, economic swings, etc., etc. Because I’m a psychotherapist and coach, my version of the Year In Review is, of course, one that focuses on the external and internal emotional events which have marked people’s lives. (Any surprise there?)

If you’re doing your own 2011 Year In Review you could either reflect back upon:

how much money you made or didn’t
how many sick days you took off from work
how many vacations you went on and if they were worth much
how much weight you gained or lost
if you finally stopped smoking or not
if your spouse drove you crazier than ever
which friends let you down
if you got your house de-cluttered
who got divorced after a messy affair
who died young

(Blah, blah, blah….)

Or you could do this kind of Year In Review:

what were my major accomplishments at work?
what positive steps did I take in my marriage?
how was I more thoughtful and loving to my family?
did I do any better at setting appropriate limits around time asked of me?
how well did I take care of myself physically?
did I expand myself intellectually and spiritually?
what major lessons did I learn in 2011?
did I have enough fun this past year?
did I stand up for what’s important to me?
what did I model for my children?
was I a generous enough friend to the people I care about?
whose accomplishments brought me joy?

Get the difference? After you have (hopefully) chosen the latter set of reflections, you have a beginning template for an even better 2012! I’ll go into more detail about that part in my next entry. Gotta wrap some more presents.

Happy Holidays! Happy End of 2011!

Susan Lager

Take It Easy! Life Is Short!

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 05:22:00 GMT

Everyone, including myself, is running around getting ready for the rest of the holidays, and I mean “running around”! We’re in the home stretch now for getting our homes sufficiently decorated, getting those gifts bought and in the mail, making sure all our cards are written and sent out, choosing our menus, and finalizing our holiday plans so we don’t feel left out of all “the fun” socially. Then there’s the usual busyness of housework, making meals, working jobs so we can pay the bills, raising our children, getting some sleep, and of course, finding some time for self care, like indulging in a measly workout here and there. Not to mention the little detail of having an occasional conversation with our partner, or loved ones!

Check your perfectionism. Even Martha Stewart, the maven of style, class, and coziness, has legions of “elves” all around to create the illusion of perfection. So don’t buy into the invention. Instead, establish a “good enough” standard which allows for the realities of your time and energy constraints, allows you to enjoy yourself, and to stay focused on your goals for the season. At this juncture, less is more. Keep those expectations in check.
Let others help. Don’t over-function your way into martyrdom. You’ll be a more pleasant companion if you let other people share in the labor of making holiday traditions happen. The people around you will feel more invested in activities they have helped to create. You’ll also be more rested if you don’t view the holidays as a “one man/woman show”.
Practice the fine art of saying “no” if you are feeling maneuvered into doing more than your fair share of holiday activity. If you have a partner or sibling who seems to be bailing out on you, and expecting you to compensate for their inactivity, then draw a line in the sand, and let consequences happen. You’ll then avoid some resentment around feeling exploited.

Stay conscious!

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my new eBooks and articles for sale later this week at the “Products” page of this website: SusanLager.com . You’ll get “pre-published” first dibs on great tools for better communication, and better relationships!

Calling Australians!

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:35:00 GMT

Hey Australia! The whole world (except for most of Africa) reads this blog. Why not you guys?

What would you want to hear about which would feel relevant there on the other side of the planet? You have a beautiful country (which unfortunately I’ve never seen), you’re famous for your spirit of independence and spunk, but I know that you must have relationship issues just like the rest of us on this side of the planet.

Tell me what you’re wrestling with in your marriages and partnerships! I’m glad to help.

Wondering, on the other side of the world,

Susan Lager

Prepare For The Holidays

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:58:00 GMT

Over the years, I’ve met with hundreds of couples who get totally wigged out at this time of year. To begin with, many of them have at least one person who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a condition which sets up depressive symptoms in reaction to the lowered light levels in the Fall through early Spring. It’s not a good beginning. On top of that, most partners focus their energy on holiday decorations, social calendars, menus, and gift shopping for people they often care little about. People plan their days and nights, trying to pack it all in, with coziness and finesse, Hallmark style.

What is often conspicuously missing in the melee is any thought or conversation about particular activities or rituals which would feel meaningful and “uniquely ours”, i.e. intimate and private . Predictably, when couples prepare for the holidays with some curiosity and attention to the sacredness of some meaningful time alone, apart from relatives and kids, it changes everything! So if you’re in a partnership, honor it with just a tad of thought to what traditions you’d like to create just for yourselves. Be creative! Be silly or be sentimental! But be together. You’ll surely have a happier holiday season.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

PS. Next week you will be able to purchase my two new eBooks, and some articles all about relationship tools on the “Products” page of this website. (I’m only about one year behind schedule, but hey, I’ve been focusing on meaningful rituals of my own!)

Thanksgiving Eve

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 07:36:00 GMT

Here I am at 2:11 the “night” before Thanksgiving, yakking and laughing and surfing the Web with my little sister, Laura. We always do this when she comes to visit from New York City — up all night, then like zombies the next day, (except for the usual shopping marathon), but WHAT FUN!

When I think back on all the Thanksgivings in my life, it won’t be a reflection on all the turkey and stuffing we all ate, but it certainly will be about all the love and laughs, and shared joy with friends and family like my “baby sister.”

If you too have any relationships like this, then put your drumstick down and say thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving,

Susan Lager

Busy! Busy! Busy!

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 05:23:00 GMT

I’ve been meeting with clients and friends who are all ramping up their activity level prior to the holidays, and already feeling overwhelmed. Almost everyone I know, including myself, complains (and boasts) about being SO busy under ordinary ever day circumstances, so it gets hugely amplified at this time of year. I could go into psychological insights about why we’re so chronically over scheduled, but I thought these quotes I found might resonate better with everyone out there who fills every minute with busyness, then feels depleted. (I’ll sign off while you’re reading – gotta go do more stuff!)

Sleep tight,

Susan Lager

PS. If you have a minute, sign onto my site as a subscriber, and get LOADS of my original, unpublished free reports about all kinds of relationship and self-help issues.→ Also, if you have another minute (?) check out this website, Susan Lager For A Better Life for more information about my psychotherapy and coaching services, as well as my upcoming Ebooks.

Busyness Quotes

The time to relax is — when you don’t have time for it.

– Sydney J. Harris

____________________________________________________________

It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?

– Henry David Thoreau

____________________________________________________________

My candle burns at both its ends; It will not last the night; But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends — It gives a lovely light.

– Edna St. Vincent Millay

____________________________________________________________

The world is moving so fast these days that the one who says it can’t be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.

-Harry Emerson Fosdick

____________________________________________________________

The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else- we are the busiest people in the world.

– Eric Hoffer

____________________________________________________________

At work, you think of the children you have left at home. At home, you think of the work you’ve left unfinished. Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent.

– Golda Meir

____________________________________________________________

He who is too busy doing good finds no time to be good.

Robindranith Tagore

____________________________________________________________

When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another – and ourselves .

Jack Kornfield

The time to relax is — when you don’t have time for it.

– Sydney J. Harris

____________________________

It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?

– Henry David Thoreau

____________________________

My candle burns at both its ends; It will not last the night; But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends — It gives a lovely light.

– Edna St. Vincent Millay

____________________________

The world is moving so fast these days that the one who says it can’t be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.

-Harry Emerson Fosdick

____________________________

– Eric Hoffer

____________________________

At work, you think of the children you have left at home. At home, you think of the work you’ve left unfinished. Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent.

– Golda Meir

____________________________

He who is too busy doing good finds no time to be good.

Robindranith Tagore

____________________________

When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another – and ourselves .

Jack Kornfield

Cozy Rituals

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 14:50:00 GMT

It’s 8:55 on a frigid Sunday morning, and I awoke to a blazing fire in the family room thoughtfully prepared by my devoted “woodsman” husband, Thom. What a way to begin a 35 degree day in November!

It made me think about all the cozy rituals my family embraces, and how centering and comforting they are. I’ll often ask therapy and coaching clients who are facing difficult circumstances if they have a repertoire of cozy comfort activities in their emotional “toolboxes.”

I’m often surprised by the scarcity they report, or by the lack of awareness people have about what comforts them besides booze or meds!

If you haven’t developed an elaborate system of ways to get cozy and give yourself comfort, then it’s time to build it before you need it. Think about activities you could ritualize, like a weekend fire, or a cup of tea in the afternoon, or a bath on a Friday night. Consider this list as your arsenal of protection against overwhelming anxiety, sadness, exhaustion or loneliness. It’s your personal (and partnered) treasure trove of self-care and self-soothing. You can do it alone or with your partner or family. Whatever the case, having benign ways to “get cozy” will help you decrease your trips to the doctor, the liquor store, and expensive shrinks, like me!

Happy day,

Susan Lager

Communication Workshop

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 07:05:00 GMT

For anyone wanting to beef up their communication skills, come to my “Communication Problems Gone With Simple 5 Minute Fixes” workshop on Wednesday, November 2nd at the Women Supporting Women Center in Exeter, NH at 10 AM. The cost is minimal, and the benefits you’ll get are HUGE! You’ll learn about the 7 most common communication problems people have, and quick tools to change the way the conversation is going. It should be very informative and FUN!

There are still a few openings, so contact Claire Huston at:

111 Water St.

Exeter, NH 03833

603-772-0799

Women Supporting Women Center

Power Back On! Back To De Vices!

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 03:18:00 GMT

Hallelulah! We’re back in the 21st century, complete with running water, heat, electric coffeepots, TV, computers, dishwashers, washing machines, clocks, rice cookers, shavers, and all the strange, ridiculous, and lovely vices we’re addicted to! How would we all survive if we had to actually read by candlelight, play instruments, play games, and talk to each other? Much too frightening a thought…. �� Besides, you also wouldn’t be able to tune into my BlogTalk Radio show, “ADHD Couples And Decision Fatigue” which WILL BE ON after all (!) Wednesday, November 2nd at 9 PM. Either go to BlogTalkRadio.com to listen in live streaming, or call toll-free: 877-497-9046 to be live on the show, if you want. Ah, the 21st century.

In the meantime, I’m once again enjoying “de vices”……….

Susan Lager

October Nor’easter! What next?

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 22:57:00 GMT

It’s only October 30th and we on the glorious coast of Maine, (and all of New England), are “enjoying” our first Nor’easter! So no power, of course. My husband and I started our day waiting half an hour for a cup of coffee and a thing they call a “eggwhite flatbread sandwich” at Dunkin’ Donuts. (ugh..) Then off to Home Depot to spend $2060. for a generator, so we don’t have to spend the rest of the winter in the freezing dark whenever it snows here, (which is a lot – double ugh…) Gotta get out the skis and the snowshoes and the snowblower, to make peace with the weather, even though it’s OCTOBER! (Better haul out the wool, and put away my sandals)

This was supposed to be a newsflash about my upcoming BlogTalk Radio Show, “ADHD Couples and Decision Fatigue”, featuring Robin Bellantone, a well known, very talented specialist on this subject. It’s supposed to be broadcast on Wednesday, November 2nd at 9 PM at BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager, but who knows if we’ll have POWER???? If all goes well and we’re on, you can also tune in toll-free at: 877-497-9046 to be live on the call. ADHD is a very common issue for couples, so join us (if we’re on….) and ask questions or make comments – I love conversation about these kinds of issues.

Gotta go, the frost awaits……..

Susan Lager

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Marriage Fitness Evaluation

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 13:51:00 GMT

I have just officially joined the InsiderPages.com directory of marriage counselors and psychotherapists, and am offering a one-time “coupon” to clients coming in from that site:

It will be at a significantly reduced rate , given this time of year, and the financial crunch so many people experience during the holidays.

*Email me at Couplesctr@gmail.com or call my office at: 603-431-7131 for more details.

I look forward to hearing from you!
Susan Lager

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Knowing When To Stop (Anything)!

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 16:53:00 GMT

I’ve had a nasty sciatic pain going down my right leg for almost four months now (!) At first I thought I’d pulled a muscle, then I thought I’d overdone a workout, then I thought I had a slipped disc, then I thought I needed hip surgery, then I thought I just needed to loosen up the joints in that side, then I thought I probably had a tumor, then I thought I was becoming a hypochondriac. But in all these months it never occurred to me until yesterday that my real problem was knowing when to stop doing what I was doing – exercising just about seven days a week to “loosen it up”. In the name of “working it out”, in all this time I’ve continued doing strenuous weighted workouts usually three days a week, and intense speedwalks the other four days of the week. Occasionally when I’m very tired, I give myself a big break by walking in a slightly less maniacal way when I do the cardio, so anyone “with” me is still visible in the background. It’s the joke of my family and friends (my Nazi walk), but I love the rush I get from my muscles communing with nature in this way. It’s not a competitive thing, as I’ve never entered a race, and usually prefer doing it alone without even timing myself. It’s always been one form of self-care for me……..UNTIL the big sciatic puzzle.

Yesterday it occurred to me that to keep doing what you’ve been doing, expecting different results, is what someone defined as insanity! So I finally got a referral to an orthopedist for an evaluation, and here I am today, actually taking a day off, relaxing, and goofing off! So, what’s the point of all this? I think knowing when to stop is not my unique problem. Clients and friends don’t seem to know when to stop

Look for yourself on this list, and see if you too are in the “insane” cycle. If so, try something new.

Think of me, sitting here, relaxing, relinquishing my dearly beloved Nazi walk! Anything is possible.

Lazily,
Susan Lager

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A Rather Blustery Day

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 04:15:00 GMT

Yesterday was, as Winnie the Pooh would say, “a rather blustery day!” There I was on my morning speedwalk, getting blown about by wind and leaves, as the sky became intermittently cloudier, then sunny, then cloudy again, with the temperature quite brisk. It didn’t do much for my speed time, but I noticed my mood getting lighter and happier with every step. Why, you might wonder, would anyone in their right mind feel happier as the weather becomes more sultry and stormy?

(Back Story): Over the years doing psychotherapy, I’ve noticed clients coming in on windy, grey, “bleak” days complaining about the unpredictable, “bad” weather in New England. Many of them are particularly sensitive to the loss of light as the winter approaches (“seasonal affective disorder”), and actually get more depressed in the winter months. When they try to get me to commiserate, I can’t hide my glee about the colder, dark, temperamental weather, attributing my comfort with it to my Russian heritage. Clients then look at me blankly, chuckle, and change the subject.

My brother-in-law Joe says, “You New Englanders are always complaining about the weather! Move to Florida and have sunny weather every single day!” That would be a personal Hell for me. When I was in Italy I found that the only thing I didn’t like was the constant, sunny haze. It felt oppressive, and so would constant sunshine anywhere!

Two things:

So I’ll take a blustery day anytime, thank you.

Happily,
Susan Lager

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Press The Pause Button

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 05:26:00 GMT

Have you ever wished you could “rewind” a situation and undo some promise or statement you made? Maybe it was a telemarketer who maneuvered you into some ridiculous purchase, or a committee member who “volunteered” you to run the massive fund drive for the new playground. Maybe it was a good friend who coaxed you into sitting for her kids for the weekend while she left town with a new boyfriend. Whatever the case, most of us have had the experience of saying yes in a moment of wanting to please someone in need, and regretting it soon afterward. Women are often the worst offenders, wired for helping and connection, and conditioned to accommodate, often at their own expense. Then regret and annoyance set in, and we try to slip out of the commitment with some lame excuse. The net effect is that we’ve set the other person up for disappointment, and possibly an experience of ourselves as unreliable.

What a mess!

Quick fix: When you are put on the spot with a request for your time, your expertise, your money, or some service, before you say yay or nay, press the pause button and

This pause process will allow you needed time to make more careful, thoughtful decisions about how and when you share your time and yourself, so when you do give, it’s truly from the heart.

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

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Dating Dilemmas

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 01:07:00 GMT

Most people loathe dating. You’re on your best behavior, putting on an Academy Awards performance. Usually underneath the polite chatter is a stream of self talk about whether this person you’ve met is a viable “candidate” for life partnership. It’s a giant size-up game, which is particularly nerve-racking for people who have gone through a divorce, and already often feel a bit bruised, discarded or unlovable. Some typical dilemmas center around the issues of:

In my therapy work with dating clients I tell them that there are four firm guidelines I suggest which can make the whole thing easier and more fun:

Pay attention to these guidelines, and you’ll have a much better time, whether you meet your “life partner” or not.

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager

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9/11 Anniversary

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 04:26:00 GMT

For the past few weeks I’ve met with clients experiencing profound dread and sadness about the upcoming tenth anniversary of 9/11. What has compounded it has been the onslaught of terrible news about extreme flooding in the Northeast, wildfires and widespread loss of homes in Texas, the tragic plane crash in Russia, the Seven Eleven slaughter, the rising suicide rate in Japan, and many, many other reports of horrific events and developments.

In the case of the 9/11 anniversary, we can at least take solace in the solidarity of national grieving and memorials. We validate each other around the pain and loss. Together we prepare for the “anniversary effect” – revisiting the traumatic images and memories imprinted in our brains. We unite in the healing process. We try to make sense of what happened.

Unfortunately, we’re left to our own defenses around the other daily, tragic events. Clients and friends say they feel helpless, alone, and increasingly anxious in an unsafe world.

There is no magic formula for dealing with all this. Even people of deep religious faith feel profoundly tested in the face of such daily tragedy. What helps me is to surround myself with love, to remind myself of the essential goodness of people, and the joys of life. I also focus on the small things I can do, to mitigate against feelings of helplessness regarding all the trauma. Going into meaningful action, being present in the grace of the moment, and making heartfelt connections, are my medicines for staying sturdy in such turbulent times. But it’s also helpful to honor the grief and sadness, and sometimes just cry.

Susan Lager

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Depressing Things We Say

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 04:49:00 GMT

How often do you say things like this, and what does it do to your mood?

Think about it………
Susan Lager

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Preparing For The Hurricane

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 05:34:00 GMT

Most everyone living in the northeastern U.S. is preparing for Hurricane Irene to arrive in all her fury. The supermarkets are jammed with people stocking up on water, batteries, flashlights, ice, food, and all sorts of other supplies needed in the event of power outages, and floods.

The odd thing is that today was a gorgeous, sunny day showing no signs of the likely destruction and general mayhem to come! Maybe it’s an occupational hazard, but it feels to me like a perfect metaphor for the uncertainty of life inside a committed relationship: At the moment all seems calm, but inevitably there are huge storms coming, and if you’re not prepared, you’re screwed. If you wait till the last minute your resources will be limited at best. If you don’t have a plan for how to brave the storm, you’ll be in reactive “chaos mode”, and won’t fare so well. If you don’t pay attention to the warning signs, you’ll be in dangerous denial, and could be swept away. If you try to go it alone without proper teamwork, you’ll be at risk. So think of nurturing and bolstering your relationship as similar to preparing for the hurricane.

You hope for the best while allowing for the worst, and chances are, there’s sunshine again on the other side.

Hope all goes well,
Susan Lager

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Negotiation In Marriage

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 17:12:00 GMT

As a couples therapist I routinely see couples struggling with decisions which make nobody happy! Natalie wants one thing, Ned wants something else, (or so it seems). They then either slug it out emotionally until one person gets their way, or they “take their marbles and go home” – withdrawing into their respective corners with animosity because they couldn’t come to some kind of reasonable agreement.

Marriage and partnerships are all about negotiation, whether it’s when and where we go on vacation, or how and when we tackle home projects, or which school to send the kids to. The worst thing couples do is to come up with “win-lose” or “either-or” solutions. In negotiation language we call that a dismal failure. The aim instead is to move toward “both-and” or “win-win” solutions, where each partner may give something up, but also gets something important to them. So if Ned wants to spend time in the Fall working on home projects, and Natalie wants a trip, the goal is to see how either they can do both reasonably, or take turns getting their way. The most critical thing is to craft solutions which address key parts of each of their concerns, not polarize around differences.

How good a negotiator are you in your partnership?

Have a mutually good end of summer,
Susan Lager

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Just Do It!

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 14:24:00 GMT

I’ve worked with hundreds of clients over the years who tell me they don’t do healthy things like exercise, meditate, or eat moderately because they don’t feel like it. People who are depressed or anxious, and the most in need of self-nurture, are often the biggest culprits, rationalizing a lack of self care with their lack of motivation / energy. Especially when people are biochemically compromised, as they are in a clinical depression, I push back and often say, “Who in their right mind feels excited about getting out of a nice warm bed, particularly on a dark, cold morning, to freeze outdoors on a run? Only Olympic athletes, or people who’ve had a lobotomy! You need to ‘just do it’, as the Nike slogan says.”

The Prochaska Change theory emphasizes the stages people need to go through to get to the action part of change: pre-contemplation, contemplation, and preparation. According to this theory, change isn’t something you usually just logically decide to do, and then do. One must first feel stirrings internally, then face and resolve the ambivalence about letting go of the status quo. One must also prepare with an action plan. The problem is that folks can get lost in any one of the stages, overthinking the whole thing. The fallacy is that once the ambivalence is “resolved”, one will be sufficiently motivated to act. Deciding why something like stopping smoking is good for you, is important. Knowing your tools to achieve it is vital. Having an action plan, especially one which makes the process more pleasant, is critical. But to “pull the trigger” don’t wait for a burning desire (excuse the pun) to ban the butts. Just do it.

I use this psychology in my own life as well. If I over-think my motivation to pay bills or do book work, I’m dead in the water. I’ll even vacuum the house, or clean toilets to avoid it! So I think of it this way: there are some things in life that are equivalent to bad tasting medicine – horrible going down, but good for you in the long run. The challenge is twofold:

So if you’re avoiding something you need to do which you know will be good for you, like exercising regularly, don’t wait for the stars to line up as a sign of the “perfect moment”. Stop thinking about it so much on the front end. Just do it! You’ll be glad you did.

Gotta go take those nasty vitamins,
Susan Lager

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Needing Love

Sun, 14 Aug 2011 03:22:00 GMT

My husband Thom, and I are babysitting for our son’s girlfriend’s guinea pig this weekend. The two of them, (my son and his girlfriend, not the guinea pig), went upstate and didn’t want to leave Graham, (the guinea pig), in the hot car en route, so the skittish little rodent is our house guest for the next few days. It’s already been an eye-opening experience – Graham, rodent though he is, needs love just like the rest of us! If he’s left in his cage by himself too long, he “sulks” by withdrawing into his little igloo house when coaxed to come out. He makes special “irritated” squeaks that guinea pig experts distinguish from the happy squeals he makes when he’s petted and held. When he’s taken out of his cage and allowed to hang out with the family, he gets perkier by the minute, and ends up “popcorning” around the floor, (skittering about with hops and jumps). When you hold him, he lovingly looks up into your eyes, and makes more joyful, purring type squeaks. He’s a first cousin of the rat, but this little guy needs love! And if an 8 inch guinea pig needs love, what about people?

Nobody likes to be taken for granted. You probably cuddle with your dog, pet your cat, and like me, get cozy with your guinea pig. How affectionate have you been to the humans in your life? How cozy have you and your partner been with each other? Are you withdrawing, and sulking in your little houses, or are you “popcorning” around? Think about it……

Gotta go love up Graham some more,
Susan Lager

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Picking Fights

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 06:40:00 GMT

How’s this for starting a sunny Saturday with your beloved hubby:

My husband Thom tells me during breakfast (before we’re supposed to leave for a lovely day at our favorite lake), that he forgot to bring home the important papers he’d said we’d go over this weekend so we could make a major financial decision. No matter, we can do it during the week and hopefully it won’t impact much.

I stand in the kitchen, bowl in hand, considering how hard I’d have to throw it to hit him in the face. Because I’m not a violent person, and I love my husband dearly in spite of his forgetfulness, I put the bowl down and opt for a less grisly choice. I walk out of the kitchen, leaving him to finish his freshly made omelette all by himself. Two minutes later, I can’t help myself, I come back into the kitchen, and find him nonchalantly chewing on his bagel, looking like his morning is going just peachy. I can’t resist. I deploy the nuclear weapon:

“Thom, do you know what I think about when you minimize important things, when you forget stuff, and when it doesn’t seem to faze you? Do you want to know? Would you like to know what goes through my head? I think the only option for me is to jump off the Piscataqua Bridge! It would end my suffering. I’d never have to be victimized by your forgetfulness again! Suicide. It would be quick, and less painful than living with you! They’d probably never find me, and you could do your own thing!”

Still chewing, he looks at me blankly. “Why don’t you go for your run before we leave, I think you need it.”

“A run isn’t going to solve this! How can I go to the lake with you? I’ll never be able to depend on you! What if I’m drowning? You’d forget to save me!”

And with that, he puts down his bagel and walks out of the room saying he’ll spend the day by himself because he’s obviously too dangerous to hang around with.

Three important things you need to know before I proceed:

Luckily, in my mid-twenties I became a psychotherapist, (probably partly to temper the innate hot-headedness in me which New York amplified). Part of the training is to do a lot of your own therapy, to understand the process, and to learn how to “steer your own ship”. One of the things you learn, if you’re a good student, is how and why you might pick fights. You also learn how to take the high road, and fess up when you’ve been an ass.

Fast forward back to my kitchen where Thom has dejectedly decided to finish his bagel. I walk in holding the beach bag full of fun stuff, flash a big smile and say, “Re-do! How would you like to go to the lake with your ridiculous wife who’s great at ruining a morning? I’m sorry for jumping on you. Let’s have a great day.”

He ambles over to me, grins, gives me a big bagel kiss, and says, “Let’s go, Jumper.”

(If you choose to pick a fight, you can also choose to end it)………

Gotta go swimming, Susan Lager

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Take The Self-Talk Test

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 04:19:00 GMT

I work with couples every day around the issue of managing perceived hurts, disappointments, and insults. One partner says or does something, and the other partner reacts to it internally before formulating a response. This initial internal response is usually about a thought the receiver has about what he or she perceives has just happened. It comes in the form of self talk, something the receiver says to him or herself about the occurrence. It generally involves some “meaning making” or interpretation of the event. (example: “He keeps forgetting the shopping list because I’m not that important to him!”). This critical self talk part of the process colors the whole ensuing event. What people say to themselves then effects the feelings about the event, and ultimately the behavior related to it.

So, listen to your self talk, and take this quick test:

Goodnight for now,
Susan Lager

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A Very Special Birthday

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 13:20:00 GMT

Twenty-four years ago, right about now, I was in labor with our son Alec. I was clueless about how I’d live through the pain, and even more clueless about the grand adventure my husband and I were about to embark upon. I had never felt parenthood was part of my destiny, so making the decision to have a child was more like tossing a coin – “heads”: lets have a kid – maybe it will be fun, with no later-in-life wistfulness, “tails”: no kid – less noise and expense, more travel and sleep. So it turned out to be heads, and what an amazing journey it has been! The experience of love so visceral, the joys so intense, the vulnerability so raw, the pride so vast, the sense of discovery so unending, the learning so constant, the mistakes so stupid, the fatigue so frequent, the disappointments so heartbreaking, the laughter and fun so deep, (on and on and on….)

So for anyone out there contemplating taking on the most important job in life with love in your heart, emotional consciousness, courage, diligence, and “ready enoughness”, I hope it will be “heads” for you too!

Happy birthday Alec, you are the most precious gift ever……….

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Summertime Blues

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 16:42:00 GMT

If you live in New England, (or anywhere else with a seven month winter), you have a love-hate relationship with the place and the weather. Here on the coast of Maine and New Hampshire we adore the ocean, the nearby lakes and mountains, Boston and Portland just a stone’s throw away, and the intoxicating beauty of the place. (We are versions of the above picture). The downside is that right about now in the middle of the summer, people start getting nervous about the looming arctic freeze, all the fun experiences they need to pack in before the snow flies, and depressed about what they haven’t done yet during the teeny- weeny summer season. (I’ve labelled it “New England Seasonal Affective Disorder”). It’s more commonly referred to as the Summertime Blues.

What’s the “cure”? Try to live in the moment, savoring each and every experience. Be present! Do one thing at once, so you’re fully participating in the activity. Also, make a list of all the things you wanted to do and haven’t yet done. Come up with an action plan to bring those experiences to life, asking your “significant others” for help, so you don’t get overwhelmed with “plan overload”, leaving yourself open to those dreaded Summertime Blues. Also, recognize that it’s quality, not quantity that counts. If you do one meaningful, fun thing each weekend, and incorporate a few new playful activities into your work week, you’ll have more of a sense of living well. And just think, when the flowers and the greenery are all gone in a few months, winter will have its beauty as well, (other than shoveling, black ice, hailstorms, five layers of clothing, dry skin, and power outages.)

Happy rest of summer,
Susan Lager

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Casey Anthony Verdict

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 05:05:00 GMT

One can’t escape the incredible news about Casey Anthony clearly looking like she’s gotten away with murder. People everywhere are outraged, disenchanted with the American legal system, and also sadly feeling cynicism and resignation about the lack of fairness and justice in the world. Murderers get set free, while Willie Nelson gets probable jail time for possession of 3 ounces of marijuana. The world is upside down! Spouses who lie and cheat fare no worse in court than spouses who have been loyal and true. Life-long, diligent employees get muscled out of companies to make room for cheaper “twenty somethings” with questionable skills. Parents abuse their kids verbally and often physically without consequences. Drunk drivers slaughter innocent victims en route to work or a family picnic. What does one do to avoid pessimism and utter despair??

It’s really a matter of where you put your attention. Focus instead, each day on all the goodness, generosity, kindness, and love in your everyday life. Connect with the toll-taker, the clerk, the server, the mechanic, the teller, the boss, the neighbor, the friend, the co-worker. Be intentional about finding innocence, decency, good will, courage, humor, creativity, humility, compassion, and joy in all the people you encounter. You will find an abundance of all those things if you just look for them. Then, even with all its injustice and cruelty, the world will feel like a safer, happier home to you.

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

PS. Tune in to my next BlogTalk Radio show, “Communication Problems Gone With Simple Five-Minute Fixes” on Wednesday, July 13th at 9PM. Call in live to participate in the discussion at toll-free 877-497-9046.

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Gone Fishing

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 04:36:00 GMT

I’m a very regimented person. I get up at the same time each day, do the morning teeth and face cleanse, make a cup of coffee, balance my accounts, pay some bills, answer my voicemail, check my email, do some dishes, dead-head the garden flowers, make my lunch, do a workout, watch the news, eat the same breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, drive to my office, see some clients, return more voicemails, grab the same lunch, see more clients, answer more voicemails, schmooze with colleagues, drive home, make some calls, change clothes, go for a garden walk, have some dinner with my husband / son, watch more news, do some writing, do some reading, and go to bed. Then it all starts and ends the same way the next day until the weekend when it’s a different, slightly more exotic routine.

I’m also very governed by “shoulds” like, “I should keep appointments”, “I should work out six days a week”, “I should be more patient”, “I should always be learning”, “I should write in my blog”, “I should write another article”, “I should finish my book”, “I should finish my membership site”, “I should finalize my trademark”, I should prepare for my radio show”, “I should get my finances ready for the accountant and Quickbooks”, “I should go to more plays and concerts”, “I should answer my Facebook messages”, “I should volunteer”, “I should go back to Italy”, “I should lose twenty pounds”, “I should be a better friend, sister, mother, and wife”, “I should exfoliate more often”, “I should talk more slowly”, “I should stretch daily”, “I should clean the refrigerator”. (On and on, and on, and on…..) It’s a wonder I’m not depressed! It’s also a wonder that for the first time in six months, and after thirteen radio shows I’ve produced and hosted, that I decided to forego the June 29th “Communication Problems” episode, reschedule it to July 13th, and put up a sign saying, “Gone Fishing”!!!!!!!! So if any of this “good girl” routine sounds familiar to you, remember that sometimes, for some of us, goofing off is, (as Martha would say), “a very good thing!”

I should go to bed,
Susan Lager

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Are We Having Fun Yet?

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 22:33:00 GMT

As usual in June, I’ve noticed more cancellations for therapy and coaching sessions lately. People are capitalizing on the random glorious weather, and understandably wanting to leave their problems behind, and have some fun! The beaches are starting to get more active, the lobster joints busier, and the garden shops are humming. I love this time of year in Maine and New Hampshire as it comes alive with tourists and locals spending time and money enjoying themselves. The therapist in me has a word of caution, however: Remember that “fun” isn’t just about where you are and what you’re doing, but whom you’re with, and whether the activity, timing, and unfolding of it feels mutually desirable. Unless you love your solitude as “fun”, remember that “fun” is usually about something co-created and often negotiated. It won’t be fun for your partner if you jam something they feel is unsavory down their throat, like dump-picking, or long hikes in the woods in 90 degree weather. Remember to negotiate what you both do, and how and when you do it! Then when you ask, “Are we having fun yet?”, you’ll probably get a resounding, “ OH, YES!! “

Off to the beach,
Susan Lager

PS. If you have kids, try to do things you enjoy also. It will be more fun for all.

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Better Married Sex

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 05:08:00 GMT

If you’re married and have questions about sex problems with your spouse, want more sex, better sex, or none, tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show, The Couplespeak Relationship Forum, tomorrow, June 15th 9PM EST toll-free 877-497-9046, or live streaming at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager. My guest is Judith Rowan, PhD., a NH certified sex therapist. Ask the expert!

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

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Prepare For The Summer!

Sat, 11 Jun 2011 02:43:00 GMT

There’s a unique New England condition I call “New England Seasonal Affective Disorder”. It happens every late Spring as people begin to feel the exhilaration of the warmer weather, and the landscape coming alive again after about eight months of grey dormancy, and frigid temperatures. I routinely hear folks complaining about every weekend which isn’t stellar, and ramping up with anxiety about balancing the enormous “to do” list regarding home projects, with fun activities. My brother-in-law Joe says, “Move to Florida and enjoy talking and thinking about things other than the weather! Liberate yourself!” I think, maybe he’s right — what would it be like to presume glorious days every day, and not try to pack it all into one or two a week (usually during the work week)? How would it feel to be released from all that pressure and uncertainty? Then I think, it would be nice, but how about being surrounded by all that commercialization and concrete? To have alligators in your lakes? To have lots and lots of sharks everywhere in the ocean? To have backyards the size of a postage stamp? To have cockroaches and snakes camping out in your house and garden? To have gargantuan hurricanes for six months a year? To have to be in great bathing suit shape all year long!?

No, I think I’ll stick with the bipolar New England weather, and just prepare for summer every year with angst, excitement and dread, savoring all the quirky joys of living on the edge.

Gotta go have some fun before the rain arrives,
Susan Lager

PS. Tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show on Wednesday, June 15th at 9PM EST (toll-free: 877-497-9046). My guest is Judith Rowan, a well-known sex therapist who will be discussing sexual issues in marriage with me. It should be very interesting!

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A Special Birthday

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 13:05:00 GMT

I had (another!) birthday yesterday. I won’t post the actual number because it still feels surreal, but I will say that once I got over the narcissistic injury of being so old, I had a terrific day! I decided to take my own advice, and accept the new challenge of appearing on someone else’s radio show in an actual radio station studio. It was the Seacoast Promo Radio 1540 WXEX AM. We did a piece about couples managing in the new economy, and how to stay afloat financially, emotionally and maritally. ← (a word?). It turned out to be lots of fun, and as I say, nobody got killed. So, even on your birthday it’s a good idea to try new things, especially if your birthday number makes you feel ancient! There’s always room to grow and change.

The rest of the day was marked by self-honoring, (doing things I love to do, getting myself a few small gifts, following my own impulses, releasing myself from the usual disciplined drill of rigorous exercise and healthy eating), and being gifted and treated like a queen by the people I love. All in all it was a very sweet day. Then I arrived at the same conclusion I do every single year: Why do we reserve days like this for only birthdays, and maybe Mother’s or Father’s Day?!!!! My thought – do it once a month! Or maybe once a week! But certainly treat yourself as special, and the people around you as special regularly!

Cheers,
Susan Lager

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Newsflash!

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 01:16:00 GMT

Exciting news! I’m appearing on The Seacoast Promo Radio Show tomorrow between noon and 1:00 EST to talk about couples surviving and thriving in these challenging times. It was a stretch to accept the engagement, as it’s my birthday, and I usually laze out and don’t do anything which may feel challenging on my big day. But I figured, what the heck, nobody ever got killed pushing themselves a bit on their birthday, so I added it to my “bucket list” along with zip-lining under a jungle canopy, writing my first book, getting acupuncture, and running, not speed-walking for cardio. Here’s the details if you’re interested:

Seacoast Promo Radio
Sponsored by the Cameron Home Team
Innovative solutions for today’s real estate market

http://Cameronhometeam.com

Listen-in this Saturday June 4th between 12:00 and 1:00 on 1540 WXEX AM Exeter New Hampshire. Go to the websites below and listen on-line if you live outside of the area.

http://www.seacoastpr.com

http://1540wxex.com/

Our next show will explore how couples and people in general are dealing with this challenging economy. Our two guests, Portsmouth based psychotherapist and couples coach Susan Lager and Exeter Pub owner Rob Ficara who is always coming up with new inexpensive activities and events for people to have fun.

Goodnight and Good Luck (to me),
Susan Lager

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Rebuilding After The Tornado

Sat, 28 May 2011 05:19:00 GMT

We’ve all been glued to our TV’s watching the devastation to lives and landscape after the tornado in Missouri. It’s been equally as amazing to see the resolve and resilience of the victims in their determination to rebuild their lives and their community! They do some things which I think are critical to psychological and physical reconstruction, and which we could all take as important examples for “moving on” after any trauma:

Hats off to the people of Missouri for their model of courage, determination, and humanity in this crisis!

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

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Missouri Tornado Wreaks Havoc

Tue, 24 May 2011 04:15:00 GMT

What a sad time this is for thousands of people who went about their business on an ordinary Sunday, and found themselves homeless, surrounded by death, and utter destruction later that evening! Even though few of us can begin to imagine the horror they endured, most of us can connect with the idea that life is fragile, and that nothing is a “given”.

The tragedy made me think about not only the heroism and resilience of the human spirit we all witness in these events, but also the sacred bonds we have with each other. As a therapist and coach, I work with people every day to help them actively cherish these bonds. I also ask myself if I too, have cherished my precious relationships, or taken them for granted lately?

I encourage anyone who loves someone, or many “someone’s”, to imagine that a tornado like the one in Missouri could be headed in your direction. Whom would you protect? What last minute bargain would you be making with the Universe or your own conception of God, regarding what you promise you’d do differently, given another chance? Would you love better? Would you be kinder? Would you tune in more? Would you stop to smell the roses? Then proceed to live your life more mindfully and open-heartedly “in the path of the tornado”.

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Affair: Forgivable?

Wed, 18 May 2011 13:30:00 GMT

With the news of yet another celebrity infidelity, (this time compounded by the secrecy around having a “love child” with the mistress), one could wonder if there’s such a thing as fidelity, or if any permanence in marriage is achievable!

The answer is: Yes. Yes. My years of experience as a couples therapist have informed me that, contrary to popular belief:

So if you are in a similar mess to Arnold and Maria’s, don’t run to a lawyer’s office yet. There may be hope for healing and even deeper intimacy through the learning and forgiveness process!

Cheers,
Susan Lager

PS. Tune into my BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 9PM EST at toll-free: 877-497-9046. It’s about “Sane Divorce”, featuring Honey Hastings, the intrepid lawyer who co-founded The Collaborative Law Alliance of NH, and the author of “The NH Divorce Handbook”. It should be very enlightening!

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Mississippi River Rising

Thu, 12 May 2011 23:12:00 GMT

What a couple of weeks! Osama Bin Laden dead, (finally), Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver divorcing after 25 years of marriage and four kids, and the flooding all along the Mississippi River! It feels like the world has turned upside down at times like this! It can shake up everything we take for granted, like a safe home, and a loving, lasting marriage, and a safe world. It can also create “compassion fatigue”, that numbing that happens around constant catastrophic news, a feeling of dread — (what about Bin Laden’s son on the loose, seeking vengeance, what now?), and “survivor guilt” related to living personally unscathed by devastation.

My personal remedy to combat the toxic effects of all this is to:

I hope it helps just a bit,
Susan Lager

PS. Tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show for the upcoming episode called “Sane Divorce – Yes, You Do Have Choices”, featuring New Hampshire attorney Honey Hastings, author of “The New Hampshire Divorce Handbook”, and co-founder of The Collaborative Law Alliance Of New Hampshire. It should be a very interesting and informative show! You can call in live and toll-free Wednesday, May 18th at 9PM EST at 877-497-9046. Don’t miss it, especially if you’re facing a divorce!

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Marital Games, Copouts, and Maneuvers

Tue, 03 May 2011 22:46:00 GMT

I have a funny and not so funny BlogTalk Radio show coming up Wednesday, May 4th at 9PM EST that I think anyone who’s married, divorced, engaged or in a committed relationship will REALLY relate to — “The Top 10 Marital Copouts Of All Time”. I’ll be sharing stories from not only my own personal experience, but from my psychotherapy practice, (identities masked, of course), about all the wild excuses we and our partners have used or heard to avoid responsibility in marriage. Tune in, it should be fun!

Call toll-free: 877-497-9046 and you can catch it live, share your thoughts and stories if you want. Or you can go to my show page at: www. BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to play it live streaming directly from the site. Hope you’ll be on the call!

Susan Lager

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Royal Wedding Plans — Fairy Tale Marriage?

Tue, 26 Apr 2011 05:15:00 GMT

Well, the big countdown has begun. Every news station and newspaper is buzzing with excitement about Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal wedding later this week. TV programs like, “The Royal Wedding – The Women Who Would Be Queen”, and behind the scenes “Cooking For The Royals”, have dominated the networks.. There are surveys polling people about their interest, and likelihood of getting up at 4AM on Friday to watch the actual event. (?????!!!!!!!)

What I’m most interested in is what the MARRIAGE will ultimately look like! Are they prepared for constant boundary violations by the paparazzi and the press? Have they had enough practice managing their differences respectfully, like a royal mixing with a “commoner”? Are they prepared to define for themselves, in the face of all the boring, but expected royal duties, how their time together and apart will be spent? And how about being equipped, when it’s important enough, to challenge Her Highness The Queen, who is already miffed about William’s wedding plans? (Let them eat cake?) Not to mention the ghost of Diana and Charles’ grimly failed marriage, with Camilla always in the wings, and Diana’s tragic, untimely death, born of loneliness and rejection. Then there’s William’s role as child confidante to his mother — loving, but not the best model for future parenting. And Kate’s happy, upwardly mobile family, so foreign to William. And most recently, the prospect of irate royal guards, like the narcissistically injured jabberjaws who went public on Facebook, and complained himself out of a job.

Oh, the list goes on and on. The therapist in me feels really wary, but the romantic fool in me hopes that Love will conquer all…………….

Good night for now – I need to sleep on all this,
Susan Lager

PS. For a pile of free original articles of mine about relationship issues, sign up at the “Free Reports” button at the right side of this page.

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Life, Death, And Taxes Revisited

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 04:29:00 GMT

I just finished putting all my tax vouchers into their respective envelopes along with the hefty checks made out to the United States Treasury, and Treasurer, State of Maine. (ugh!) Along with millions of others, I’ve parted with hard-earned dollars, and handed them over to Uncle Sam. It’s always with a mixed sense of relief, dread, pride, annoyance, and accomplishment that I get to this point every year – – the massive effort required to have all the needed cash available to pay out all at once, the cynicism about where my tax dollars are going, the ecstasy of being done (for now) with all the horrible tabulations for my accountant, my irritation with myself about not being more organized and streamlined in my bookkeeping, and my resolve to make it all easier next year. And then it’s “deja vue” all over again next April 15th. (I think this is the official definition of insanity – to keep doing what you’re doing, hoping for a different result!) Do you get where I’m going with this?

Think about your own life, and where you may be doing your own version of insanity. How and where are you doing the same old thing, hoping for new results? In your job? With your kids? In your marriage? With your addictions? Then, before you do anything radical in the change department, think about what you get from your bond with the “same-old-same-o”? What (neurotic) purpose does it serve? And what would you need to give up to take different action? Is it worth it?

So, like me with the same old tax script, you too may be able to “break up” with your nasty old habit!

I’ll check in with you next April 15th…………

Cheers,
Susan Lager

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Communication In Relationships

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 02:57:00 GMT

We have a simple but wise saying in the psychotherapy world: “If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable!”It’s so true, especially in intimate partnerships. So often I see couples “sitting on” giant resentments, presumptions, hurts, misconceptions, and bewilderment that could probably be worked out if there’s a value to each in the relationship. Haven’t most of us stayed silent at times, fearing the consequences, only to find out that the “bogeyman” was in our own head?

I have three wishes for my Relationship Genie:

(That’s sort of three and a half, but hey, the Genie has magical powers, so why stop at three?) Good night and good luck!

Susan Lager

PS. For more of my thoughts and tools for communication, sign up for a series of Free Reports at the button on the right.

The post Communication In Relationships appeared first on Susan Lager .

Couples in Business and Keeping Marriages on Track

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:28:00 GMT

If you missed the live shows, you MUST listen to the recordings of my latest episodes on BlogTalk Radio, “Tuneup and Oil Change – Keeping Marriages Healthy”, and “Couples In Business – What’s Love Got To Do With It?” They were both full of valuable information for couples, and FUN!! And if you combine learning and fun, you’ve got a winning combination! My guests Sergio Pirrotta and Everett Moitoza (different shows), are both brilliant and very comical, so tune in through the BlogTalk Radio button on the bottom right of this blog page. You won’t regret it!

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

PS. Did you notice my new address “SusanLager.com”? (It only took three months to finally change the URL)…….. Some things in (my) life move in geologic time, but we’ll get there, pebble by micro pebble……………..

The post Couples in Business and Keeping Marriages on Track appeared first on Susan Lager .

Healthy Marriages

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:07:00 GMT

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about healthy vs. unhealthy marriages a) because I encounter both types in my work daily as a psychotherapist and coach and b) I’m scheduled for another BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 9PM called:

“Tuneup and Oil Change — Keeping Marriages Healthy”.

My guest will be Sergio Pirrotta, EdD., a psychologist from Byfield, Massachusetts who also specializes in couples work, and is a bit of a rock star in the Northeast. He’s trained countless clinicians, is smart as a whip, and will have a lot to say about the issue of healthy marriages.

Tune in toll-free: 877-497-9046 and you’ll be live on the call, and will be able to comment or ask questions.

Stay tuned!
Susan Lager

PS. For lots more information about relationship issues, sign up as a subscriber for a series of free reports I think you’ll find very informative and interesting! (Button at the right margin of this blog).

The post Healthy Marriages appeared first on Susan Lager .

Words Of Wisdom

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 04:55:00 GMT

I found this on the site of a wonderful man who helped train me as a coach. I thought you’d all enjoy it.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of “The Plain Dealer”, Cleveland, Ohio. Here is what she has to say: “To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more.”

45 Lessons Life Taught Me.

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

The post Words Of Wisdom appeared first on Susan Lager .

Wallowers

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 20:15:00 GMT

A friend of mine recently had a toxic exchange with an acquaintance of hers who is a chronic “wallower”. (I’ll call this person Jennifer). She routinely complains about her life, her husband, her friends, her family, anything she can to maintain her victimhood. In the not so distant past, I too had experienced the avalanche of misery released from Jennifer, and have avoided her since, partly because wallowers don’t really want help, they just want witnesses for their “misery”, so it always made me feel helpless and depleted when I dealt with her. I had warned my friend about the wallower, but she needed to learn the distancing lesson herself. It made me think: maybe there should be a “Wallower Alert!” available to the general public, so anyone could read the signs and run, before getting flattened in the avalanche of projected misery! So here’s my version of a practical “Wallower Alert” for you to use as needed:

Heading for the hills as I see another Wallower coming,
Susan Lager

The post Wallowers appeared first on Susan Lager .

Life, Death, and Taxes

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 04:56:00 GMT

Most people I know have spent the last several weeks poring over all the gory financial details of their personal and business lives, getting ready for an April 15th filing. I rate it as the #2 most hateful thing in life secondary only to death by firing squad. Unless you’re an accountant, who wants to spend every spare minute, sacrificing the budding Spring days to columns and figures about facts like:

Gag me with a spoon!!

Now that I’m done, waiting to find out about how much MORE I’ll owe on April 15th, I have once again come to the conclusion that my SECRET TO A GOOD LIFE still stands:

GOOD FILING!!!!!!!!!

Good night and good luck,
Susan Lager

PS. If all this is too damn depressing, go to my latest episode of my BlogTalk Radio show, “The Couplespeak Relationship Forum” called: “Don’t Worry, Be Happy – With Positive Psychology” at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

The post Life, Death, and Taxes appeared first on Susan Lager .

Aftershocks

Sun, 13 Mar 2011 00:15:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

We’ve all been glued to our TVs, watching with horror the unfolding tragedy in Japan in the aftermath of their most powerful earthquake ever. As I write this, I dread finding out about the death toll, the human suffering, and the likelihood of a nuclear meltdown at the Fukushima power plant. Some of the aftershocks of the earthquake have also been huge with as yet an unknown toll on life and the Japanese landscape, and infrastructure.

I’ve been thinking about the dread and anxiety related to aftershocks, as a kind of re-traumatization. It’s reminded me about “aftershocks” in marriage and partnerships, and how an initial traumatizing event tends to reverberate in a way which can be entirely overwhelming, as I imagine the aftershocks are for the Japanese now. (I’m aware that a life or death catastrophic event is, in many ways incomparable in the degree of suffering to an event which is emotionally traumatic). The concept of “aftershock”, however, is familiar to anyone who’s spouse has had an affair, leaving a residual breach of trust, and “reverberations” in the way of new information about the marital history, which contradict history as it has been known. My work with couples who are wrestling with some emotionally devastating event, often centers on these “aftershocks” and how they jar the landscape of a marriage.

For anyone who is trying to repair the damage caused by some emotional or trust breach, my hope is that you appreciate the devastating impact of these “aftershocks”, and that you don’t rush to closure for your own purposes.

With much sadness,
Susan Lager

The post Aftershocks appeared first on Susan Lager .

Weapons of Choice – What’s In Your Marital Arsenal?

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 05:12:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I meet with clients in my coaching and psychotherapy practice fairly often who talk about the deeply held resentments they carry toward their spouses. Wives, especially, are often increasingly silent, opting instead to voice their anger by acting out in various ways toward the husbands they feel have stopped listening to words. Recently, I met with a woman who chronicled years of stonewalling by her preoccupied, dismissive husband. Until our work began, she had given up trying to talk to him about her needs and concerns, and pointed to the elaborate, designer boots she was wearing, telling me in a conspiratorial tone, that this pair had been purchased in one of her rages toward him. Apparently, she had accumulated closets full of boots, her “weapon of choice”, costing up to $1200. a pair! She had even bought mis-sized boots, just for the “thrill” of spite and revenge against the man whom she felt had so violated their marriage with his disregard, disrespect, and entitlement. She felt that a clear sign of hope, and progress in her work with me on assertiveness and appropriate limit-setting, was the fact that boots were now being returned, no longer being bought! We laughed sadly about how the increased closet space could be seen as such a clear indicator of psychological progress – her ability to re-engage and speak up with her mouth, not her feet.

It made me think about the issue of “silence”, and not only my own arsenal of “weapons”, but also the weapons of choice others use — booze, shopping, smoking, affairs, food, gambling, pornography, drugs, internet, work, etc. Then there’s the issue of who ultimately gets wounded in the process, and what, if anything, is gained at what cost?

So, I invite anyone in a marriage marked by disappointment, frustration, and resentments, (everyone’s marriage at some points?), to think about this: What is your weapon of choice in your marriage?

Goodnight,
Susan Lager

PS. For more of my thoughts about relationship issues, and tools for change, go to my webpage and subscribe at How To Be A Better Couple

The post Weapons of Choice – What’s In Your Marital Arsenal? appeared first on Susan Lager .

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 05:38:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Lots of people, especially wives, complain about not getting enough of this in their relationships with husbands or children. “I get no respect!” I sympathize, then I ask them about how much they respect themselves, and often hear about their lifelong careers as doormats. How can anyone get respect if they don’t treat themselves with respect? Listen to Aretha, and think about it………..

Respectfully,
Susan Lager

Break Free From Anxiety? How?!!!!

Sun, 20 Feb 2011 20:40:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Many people here in the Northeast are getting severe “cabin fever” with all the arctic weather we’ve been having. There are now also new things to worry about, like: Have you shoveled your roof, so you won’t get “ice dams”, and risk a collapse? Have you insulated your pipes so they don’t freeze and burst? Have you become a couch potato, bursting out of your “fat” clothes? Have you left your pet enough water, so it doesn’t die of thirst when outside? Have you de-iced your walkways, so you don’t break your neck going for your “healthy power walk”? Have you moisturized your skin, so you don’t look like you’re ninety when you’re 45? Is your ionizer working, so you don’t die of black mold? (etc.)…

How can we possibly stay calm and relaxed? With Mind-Body tools to beat stress! For a primer on the subject, go to my BlogTalk Radio show, The Couplespeak Relationship Forum, episode: “Chill Out! Easy Mind-Body Tools To Beat Stress”, with expert Katherine Frick at 9PM EST: 877-497-9046 (toll-free).

If you’re too STRESSED, and can’t be live on the call, then get into your pajamas, grab a glass of wine (if you’re not an alcoholic), curl up in your favorite chair, and listen to the recorded show through the BlogTalk Radio button at the bottom right side of this blog.

Easy going,

Susan Lager

Silent Partner, Silent Wife

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 07:46:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I have exciting news! Today I produced my first-in-a-series free teleseminar entitled “Silent Partner, Silent Wife” , featuring Katherine Frick as my first “guest expert”! It was a really interesting and informative hour about all the ways women become silent in their relationships. We dealt with all the related issues we see play out in our psychotherapy practices and in our own lives, ranging from causes, to consequences, and to possibilities for breaking the silence. I think many women will strongly relate to this topic, and may benefit from listening to the recording. It is a private offering available only for subscribers to my website: How To Be A Better Couple .

Check it out and enjoy!

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

Egypt’s Quest For Freedom

Sun, 13 Feb 2011 14:05:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Along with millions of others worldwide, I’ve been transfixed by the daily struggles of the Egyptian people to cast away the repressive regime of Mubarak and his secret police enforcers. I too, was gleeful yesterday when news came out that he was stepping down, and that “step one” of the revolution had prevailed. I’ve found the parallels between this movement and the dynamics of a healthy self, and healthy relationships, very clear. The Egyptian people, just as most adults, need to feel that their voices are heard, and that they have power to effect change in their own lives. They need to feel respected and acknowledged about their needs, and not humored or stonewalled, as they have been. All people, contrary to the patriarchal thinking of autocratic rulers, need to have this sense of “agency” in their lives, and in all their meaningful relationships, whether it’s with their government, or with their partners. Over the course of time, this push toward voice and prerogative, cannot be squashed with healthy, happy consequences, in countries, or in marriages, in workplaces, or in friendships. So it may very well be Yemen next, and Jordan, and Saudi Arabia, and maybe someday even Iran, who knows?

What we can each do in our own small way is to make sure that we foster relationships with ourselves, and with all significant others, that honor voice and ultimately “freedom.”

What a Good Night!

Susan Lager

Egypt’s Quest For Freedom

Sun, 13 Feb 2011 07:25:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

What we can each do in our own small way is to make sure that we foster relationships with ourselves, and with all significant others, that honor voice and ultimately “freedom.”

What a Good Night!

Susan Lager

Over-thinking

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 07:40:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about over-thinking. People like me, who are a bit perfectionistic and a bit obsessive, are often guilty of it.

In my case, I was set up for it by a family that made a production out of EVERYTHING from the contents of a dinner, to a day at the beach. If we went for an ice cream cone at Carvel, it wasn’t a simple impulsive trip to the place three miles away, but a carefully constructed evening ride up the Taconic Parkway to the Carvel sixty miles north, complete with blankets and car games for the outing.

Over-thinking was reframed as creativity, diligence, thoroughness and spirit. Everything we did was elaborately planned, and for the most part we had great fun in the process!

Fast forward to the present. For the last twenty, (yes 20!) years I’ve been thinking about hiring a billing service for my psychotherapy practice. The billing is the least favorite and most incompetent thing I’ve always done, struggling to keep up with the sheer volume of it daily. I’m often apologetic about it to clients, or make jokes about my ineptness in that department. I rarely feel self-doubt about the therapeutic work itself, just the damn billing! I’ve mulled over the notion of relinquishing the control, the work involved in transferring the information to a service, the time it would take me, the cost, etc. This is what over-thinking looks like when it’s counterproductive, not artistic! So I’ve finally decided to let go of this last vestige of self-apology, and this exercise in over-thinking– I’m hiring a billing service! And what’s the point of announcing this, you ask? To follow the Nike logo: JUST DO IT!!!!

Before getting caught in a spin of all the “how-to” details, I will follow my own therapeutic advice and take one small step each day, breaking the task down into teeny weeny steps, and NOT think about it!

So if you too have an overactive brain that makes a production out of things, do four things to free yourself from the obsessive spin:

Ask yourself if your over-thinking an issue serves some larger creative, safety, or fun purpose, or not.
If not, decide what a reasonable person would do for action, without further ado.
Break the task or dilemma down into bite-size pieces, day by day, and ignore your thoughts.
Build in time to “review” progress at intervals, not daily– (that leads to more over-thinking.) Then sit back and enjoy the completion without all the internal “noise.”

Oh, and one more thought…………………………

Goodnight!

Susan Lager

PS. Tune in to the next episode of my BlogTalk Radio show on Wednesday, February 9th at 9:30PM. It’s called “Uncover The Truth – Hire A Private Investigator”. My guest will be Frank Santin, a well known Private I. who has lots to say about this subject. It should be fun! Call toll free: 877-497-9046

Over-thinking

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 06:47:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about over-thinking. People like me, who are a bit perfectionistic and a bit obsessive, are often guilty of it. In my case, I was set up for it by a family that made a production out of EVERYTHING from the contents of a dinner, to a day at the beach. If we went for an ice cream cone at Carvel, it wasn’t a simple impulsive trip to the place three miles away, but a carefully constructed evening ride up the Taconic Parkway to the Carvel sixty miles north, complete with blankets and car games for the outing. Over-thinking was reframed as creativity, diligence, thoroughness and spirit. Everything we did was elaborately planned, and for the most part we had great fun in the process!

Fast forward to the present. For the last twenty, (yes 20!) years I’ve been thinking about hiring a billing service for my psychotherapy practice. The billing is the least favorite and most incompetent thing I’ve always done, struggling to keep up with the sheer volume of it daily. I’m often apologetic about it to clients, or make jokes about my ineptness in that department. I rarely feel self-doubt about the therapeutic work itself, just the damn billing! I’ve milled over the notion of relinquishing the control, the work involved in transferring the information to a service, the time it would take me, the cost, etc. This is what over-thinking looks like when it’s counterproductive, not artistic! So I’ve finally decided to let go of this last vestige of self-apology, and this exercise in over-thinking– I’m hiring a billing service! And what’s the point of announcing this, you ask? To follow the Nike logo: JUST DO IT!!!! Before getting caught in a spin of all the “how-to” details, I will follow my own therapeutic advice and take one small step each day, breaking the task down into teeny weeny steps, and NOT think about it!

So if you too have an overactive brain that makes a production out of things, do four things to free yourself from the obsessive spin:

Ask yourself if your over-thinking an issue serves some larger creative, safety, or fun purpose, or not.
If not, decide what a reasonable person would do for action, without further ado.
Break the task or dilemma down into bite-size pieces, day by day, and ignore your thoughts.
Build in time to “review” progress at intervals, not daily– (that leads to more over-thinking.)

Then sit back and enjoy the completion without all the internal “noise”.

Oh, and one more thought…………………………

Goodnight!

Susan Lager

PS. Call toll free 877-497-9046 at 9:30PM on Wednesday, February 9th, to hear my next BlogTalk Radio episode, “Uncover The Truth – Hire A Private Investigator”, with Frank Santin, a Private I. It should be lots of fun!

Presumptions

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 07:04:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I think it’s understandable to make some of these “pre-judgments” based on past experiences with people.

But it’s important to “reality check” it regularly. More often than not, people you love may surprise you!

A husband may listen with curiosity. A friend may be grateful for the opportunity to help. A kid may feel some relief that there is some structure in their world. So pay attention to the “givens” inside your head– they may not be accurate at times, and you may shortchange the loved ones in your life by setting low expectations of your relationship with them!

Now, I’m heading into another week with a different kind of presumption– that it will snow once again, as predicted, midweek, and wreak havoc on everyone’s carefully made plans for work here in the Northeast .

A presumption? Or a fact of life for the winter of 2011?

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. (18 to 24 inches…..)

Presumptions

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 06:11:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

For the past several weeks I’ve worked with psychotherapy and coaching clients who make lots of presumptions about the people they love. Friends decide that they must be a giant burden to their inner circle because they need more love and support now. Spouses decide that they can’t possibly bring up certain subjects to their partners. Parents decide their kids will hate them if they set particular limits. I think it’s understandable to make some of these “pre-judgments” based on past experiences with people. But it’s important to “reality check” it regularly. More often than not, people you love may surprise you! A husband may listen with curiosity. A friend may be grateful for the opportunity to help. A kid may feel some relief that there is some structure in their world. So pay attention to the “givens” inside your head– they may not be accurate at times, and you may shortchange the loved ones in your life by setting low expectations of your relationship with them!

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. (18 to 24 inches…..)

PSS. Check out my last BlogTalk Radio episode, “Avoid Money Wars In Your Marriage”. It was quite interesting! Just click on the icon at the bottom right side of this blog, for that, or other episodes. Next one coming up: Wednesday, Feb. 9th at 9:30 PM: “Uncover The Truth – Hire A Private Investigator”……………… Dial toll free 877-497-9046

“Avoid Money Wars In Your Marriage”

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 06:18:00 GMT

Newsflash!

On Wednesday, January 26th at 10PM tune in to my BlogTalk Radio show, The Couplespeak Relationship Forum for the next exciting episode, “Avoid Money Wars In Your Marriage”! I’ll be co-hosting with Gene Leone, a prominent accountant from Wolfeboro, New Hampshire. We’ll be discussing all the ways couples either make love or war with money, either staying in, or getting out of a marriage. He has as many, if not MORE stories than I do as a couples therapist and coach!

Call in live and you can comment or ask questions on the air. Toll free: 877-497-9046 .

(For more specific info on this and past shows go to): The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

To just listen to a past show, go to the BlogTalk Radio icon at the bottom right side of this blog and click on the one you’d like to hear.

“See” you Wednesday night……

Susan Lager

Relinquishing Control

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 06:28:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

We’re in the middle of (yet another!) snowstorm here in the Northeast, and as clients cancel their appointments, and I watch my carefully planned day dissolve, I’m reminded of one of the five things author David Richo in his book, “The Five Things You Cannot Change”, says you must accept in life: that things don’t always go according to plan. I’m one of those quasi-Type A personalities, always planning, going and doing, then more planning etc. I pride myself on being very organized, and try to be tolerant of all the less organized, less ambitious characters in my life. I like to think I’m in control, with all my plans, flow charts, and lists. Then a day like today happens, and I realize what a giant delusion it is– that we actually control almost nothing, except our attitudes and reactions to the slings and arrows life throws at us! For me, when I accept that fact, like today, when I realized that the day was about SNOW, not about appointments, I could finally relax and enjoy it. (I think that’s a paradox).

What are YOU trying to control?

Have a great day,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out the latest episode of my BlogTalk Radio show: “Sisters, The Good, The Bad, And The In-Between” It was a hoot! (You can listen to it from the webplayer at the bottom of this blog). Also, tune in live next Wednesday, January 26th at 10PM for the next episode, “Avoid Money Wars In Your Marriage” at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum . It should be quite interesting……

The Illusion Of Control

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 05:44:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Have a great day,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out the latest episode of my BlogTalk Radio show: “Sisters, The Good, The Bad, And The In-Between” It was a hoot!

Also, tune in live next Wednesday, January 26th at 10PM for the next episode, “Avoid Money Wars In Your Marriage” at: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum . It should be quite interesting……

Next BlogTalk Radio Show….(drumroll)…………………

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 06:53:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

If you missed last night’s “Sisters– The Good, The Bad, And The In-Between” show, you missed some major hilarity! My two sisters and I let it all hang out, no holds barred, about the ups and downs of sisterhood as we’ve experienced it so far. Some people clam up in a public forum, but not this triad. We talked, (and argued, of course), about all the issues sister face. (Check it out on the BlogTalk Radio button on the bottom-right of this blog).

Tune in for the next Couplespeak Relationship Forum episode, “Avoid Money Wars In Your Marriage”, on Wednesday, January 26th at 10PM at BlogTalk Radio, “The Couplespeak Relationship Forum”

I’ll be co-hosting with Gene Leone, a prominent accountant in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire, who will be sharing his thoughts and stories about marriage and money. We’ve both worked extensively with individuals and couples who have either battled it out financially, or teamed up beautifully with a spouse, in marriage, or in a divorce. This show should be “right on the money”, as they say!

Signing off,

Susan Lager

Next BlogTalk Radio Show…….(envelope please)……………

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 06:09:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

Tune in for the next Couplespeak Relationship Forum episode, “Avoid Money Wars In Your Marriage”, on Wednesday, January 26th at 10PM at: BlogTalk Radio, “The Couplespeak Relationship Forum” .

Signing off,

Susan Lager

BlogTalk Radio News!

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 06:10:00 GMT

Good (late) Evening, Reader,

I’ve made a promise to myself to curtail my nocturnal activity, and go to bed earlier. (I’m not sure why, as I’m rarely tired, I just have bigger bags under my eyes). Anyway, the point is that this entry will be short and sweet, in homage to this New Year’s promise I probably won’t keep more than a week.

My big news is that hundreds of people have listened to the archived recording of “Radically Raise Your Relationship IQ in 2011”! And it was my first show, complete with a few obvious techno glitches! But I think the title resonated with a lot of people who just want to do better in all their relationships. (You can play it from the BlogTalk Radio icon near the bottom of this blog). The next show is this Wednesday, January 12th at 10PM, a slightly more user friendly time slot for my non-vampire and non-nightowl listeners. It’s called “Sisters, The Good, The Bad, And The In-Between”. I will co-host with my two spunky sisters, and we’ll probably fight about all the issues. It should be colorful, informative, and anything but boring! Tune in live, and you can participate with comments and questions on the air. The next show after that will probably be about marriage and money. I’ll keep you posted….

Sweet dreams,

Susan Lager

PS. If you’re interested in getting a series of my free reports about all kinds of relationship issues, go to my website and subscribe: How To Be A Better Couple

BlogTalk Radio News!

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 05:22:00 GMT

Good (late) Evening, Reader,

Sweet dreams,

Susan Lager

PS. If you’re interested in getting a series of my free reports about all kinds of relationship issues, go to my website and subscribe: How To Be A Better Couple

Last Of The “Face-To-Face”s

Fri, 07 Jan 2011 06:25:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I had a hilarious psychotherapy session today with a middle aged “salt of the earth” couple who were bemoaning the pervasive preoccupation with cell phones among the younger generation. They talked about how teens and “twenty-somethings” in particular were guilty of communicating primarily via technology. They had hired some young workers for their business, and discovered that these “kids” no longer even talked on their cellphones –(too personal!)– they only texted, did it all day long on the job, even did it with the phones in their pockets! The three of us lamented the loss of personal contact among people, and the increasing depersonalization in our society. The husband then referred to our generation as the “last of the ‘face-to-face’s”. We all cracked up, I told him this was a funny-sad, priceless depiction, begging to be shared, and we all moved onto other topics. But it made me think about the truth in the statement. Has personal contact become a quaint vestige of the past, (particularly the ex hippies)? Has an entire generation discarded something precious– face to face conversation, complete with eye and ear contact? And what’s the consequence? Daniel Goleman, in his book “Social Intelligence”, thinks we’re moving toward “social autism”, and that studies indicate it’s effecting our brain structure, and even immune function, which is impacted by the quality of our relationships. Scary! How to fight the tide? Use technology as a tool, not a barrier! Be mindful of when you’re connecting with your phone, and not the live person in front of you! Limit “screen time” for yourself and your children! Have human face-to-face conversations! Anyway, before I get more carried away, I have to sign off. (My husband went to bed an hour ago, and here I’ve been, all cozy “talking” to all of you.) Hmmm………….

Goodnight and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. For more of my thoughts, insights, and tools for relationship issues, go to my website: www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com and for live discussions about relationship dilemmas, go to my BlogTalk Radio show, “The Couplespeak Relationship Forum”. The next scheduled show is on Wednesday, Jan. 12th at 10:00PM: “Sisters– The Good, The Bad, And The In-Between”. It should be fun, and informative!

Last Of The “Face-To-Face”s

Thu, 06 Jan 2011 06:14:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I had a hilarious psychotherapy session today with a middle aged “salt of the earth” couple who were bemoaning the pervasive preoccupation with cellphones among the younger generation. They talked about how teens and “twenty-somethings” in particular were guilty of communicating primarily via technology. They had hired some young workers for their business, and discovered that these “kids” no longer even talked on their cellphones –(too personal!)– they only texted, did it all day long on the job, even did it with the phones in their pockets! The three of us lamented the loss of personal contact among people, and the increasing depersonalization in our society. The husband then referred to our generation as the “last of the ‘face-to-face’s”. We all cracked up, I told him this was a funny-sad, priceless depiction, begging to be shared, and we all moved onto other topics. But it made me think about the truth in the statement. Has personal contact become a quaint vestige of the past, (particularly the ex hippies)? Has an entire generation discarded something precious– face to face conversation, complete with eye and ear contact? And what’s the consequence? Daniel Goleman, in his book “Social Intelligence”, thinks we’re moving toward “social autism”, and that studies indicate it’s effecting our brain structure, and even immune function, which is impacted by the quality of our relationships. Scary! How to fight the tide? Use technology as a tool, not a barrier! Be mindful of when you’re connecting with your phone, and not the live person in front of you! Limit “screen time” for yourself and your children! Have human face-to-face conversations! Anyway, before I get more carried away, I have to sign off. (My husband went to bed an hour ago, and here I’ve been, all cozy “talking” to all of you.) Hmmm………….

Goodnight and good luck,

Susan Lager

Keeping New Year’s Resolutions

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 21:57:00 GMT

Happy New Year Everybody!

I hope you all had a fun New Year’s Eve, and didn’t sit home alone watching the ball drop all over the world. Now that it’s 2011, (I can’t believe it, just yesterday we were all worried about Y2K!), if you’ve made some promises to yourself to make some changes, be smart, and don’t make empty resolutions that go nowhere. As someone who knows all about bogus resolutions, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned personally, and what I know professionally about how change really happens:

Go to my website How To Be A Better Couple for a free report about this issue, which I think may be helpful to you. Also, if you’d like to hear the first episode of my new BlogTalk Radio show, THE COUPLESPEAK RELATIONSHIP FORUM, titled: “Radically Raise Your Relationship IQ in 2011”, go to the bottom part of this blog and click on the BlogTalk Radio icon arrow, and you’ll hear the 30 minute show. See what you think!

Enjoy the new year,

Susan Lager

Keeping New Year’s Resolutions

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 21:36:00 GMT

Happy New Year Everybody!

Go to my website How To Be A Better Couple for a free report about this issue, which I think may be helpful to you.

Also, if you’d like to hear the first episode of my new BlogTalk Radio show, THE COUPLESPEAK RELATIONSHIP FORUM, titled: “Radically Raise Your Relationship IQ in 2011”, go to: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanlager and you’ll hear the 30 minute show. See what you think!

Enjoy the new year,

Susan Lager

Try New Things In The New Year!

Sun, 26 Dec 2010 23:07:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

As for me, I’ve taken the big plunge, and am about to go live with my first BlogTalk Radio show episode, “Radically Raise Your Relationship IQ in 2011”, airing on Thursday, 12/30 at 11:00 PM for all you nightbirds. The call-in number is 1-760-542-4114 , if you want to just listen, or make comments, or ask questions. But please, go easy, I’m new at this, so don’t scare me off the air. The next episode after this, (if I haven’t run off to outer Siberia in humiliation), is in about two weeks. I should have a toll-free number, and a co-host yakking with me about some relationship issue. (I’ll keep you posted about the details, SO many people are SO shy, it will take awhile to find the intrepid souls who aren’t afraid to embarrass themselves). Oddly enough, so many of them have so much wisdom to offer!

So, other than obvious self-promotion, what’s the point? Try new things in the new year, or you’ll get stale and rusted! I’m taking my own advice, and doing many new things, thinking, what’s the worst that could happen? Failure? Mistakes? So what? Unless we get hit by a truck, there’s usually more chances to do whatever it is better, or to let it go. Mistakes, as I say, are “valuable information potentially used for new learning”. Here’s to courage! Here’s to mistakes!

Gotta go help shovel, the snow has arrived, and the Snowblower Guy, my husband, probably could use the moral support.

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my website, How To Be A Better Couple , subscribe, and get a bunch of free information about relationship issues and tools. (Through this site, you get exclusive access to unpublished reports, and information of mine.)

PSS. Enter the (anonymous) poll at the bottom of the blog, I’d love to see what you think.

Have Courage – Try New Things In The New Year!

Sun, 26 Dec 2010 22:28:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Now that all your presents are unwrapped, (and hopefully, already paid for), the guests have gone home, (or if they’re leaving from New England, they are TRYING to go home amidst this post Christmas blizzard), the leftovers are in the fridge, (hopefully you have leftovers, and didn’t eat it ALL), you’re filled with more good memories, (hopefully it wasn’t a nightmare holiday), and you too, are looking forward to the New Year, with new chances to do better, or to just do some new, adventurous things. As for me, I’ve taken the big plunge, and am about to go live with my first BlogTalk Radio show episode, “Radically Raise Your Relationship IQ in 2011”, airing on Thursday, 12/30 at 11:00 PM for all you nightbirds. The call-in number is 1-760-542-4114 , if you want to just listen, or make comments, or ask questions. But please, go easy, I’m new at this, so don’t scare me off the air. The next episode after this, (if I haven’t run off to outer Siberia in humiliation), is in about two weeks. I should have a toll-free number, and a co-host yakking with me about some relationship issue. (I’ll keep you posted about the details, SO many people are SO shy, it will take awhile to find the intrepid souls who aren’t afraid to embarrass themselves). Oddly enough, so many of them have so much wisdom to offer!

Gotta go help shovel, the snow has arrived, and the Snowblower Guy, my husband, probably could use the moral support.

Susan Lager

Revised Christmas – Better?

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 05:42:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Here’s a simple entry about the power of simplicity. Our family is in a very labor intensive phase of careers, all of us simultaneously. Too much to do, never enough time, but lots of drive and purpose. We’re in the midst of a social experiment — none of the usual elaborate decorations, painstaking gift choices, piles of money spent, and frenetic preparation. Instead, very simple sprucing up, a special, but no fuss Christmas day dinner, donations to a few, favorite charities, and together, the next day, a trip to Boston to the Museum of Fine Arts, historic sight-seeing, a delicious brunch, and later, dinner in some exotic restaurant in Back Bay. No pressure, no racing around, no fuss, no worry! Simplicity, meaningful giving, and family time……..

Good night,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my new Facebook page: Susan R. Lager On Facebook

Revised Christmas…. Better?

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 06:42:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

We’re in the midst of a social experiment — none of the usual elaborate decorations, painstaking gift choices, piles of money spent, and frenetic preparation. Instead, very simple sprucing up, a special, but no fuss Christmas day dinner, donations to a few, favorite charities, and together, the next day, a trip to Boston to the Museum of Fine Arts, historic sight-seeing, a delicious brunch, and later, dinner in some exotic restaurant in Back Bay. No pressure, no racing around, no fuss, no worry! Simplicity, meaningful giving, and family time……..

Good night,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my new Facebook page: Susan R. Lager On Facebook

PSS. Enter your answers in my holiday poll at the bottom of this blog–I’m interested in your thoughts.

Beware Of The News!!!

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 03:48:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I came home tonight after a long, satisfying day working in my private psychotherapy practice. There were many meaningful moments filled with honesty, struggle, compassion, celebration, and hilarity. It was a good day, and I felt honored to have participated in these moments with clients. I arrived home to a roaring fire, and a wonderful dinner cooked by my husband and son. There was some earnest conversation, then a decision to check out the evening news. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!! In less than ten minutes, a story about a Maine mother awaiting DNA results identifying the possible remains of her daughter likely slain by a N.Y. serial killer, the discovery of two human skulls on display in a box on a Boston street, the testimonials of the victims of the madman who “unsuccessfully” gunned down a Florida school board and shot himself to death, the suit against B.P. for negligence in their drilling, resulting in 11 deaths, lowered questionable standards for lapband surgery driven by profit, etc., etc., etc. In less than ten minutes, the warm, cozy feelings vaporized by horror and trauma. Conclusion? Be smarter, be more self protective, and beware of the news!

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

What Would Martha Stewart Say?

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 05:52:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I have a confession to make. Deep down, I’m a closet Martha Stewart wannabe. One Chanukah-Christmas (we’re hybrids, and celebrate both, sort of), I got Martha’s “Entertaining” book, and sat in my pajamas for weeks mesmerized by the images of perfect standing rib roasts, elaborate pies, gorgeous appetizers, and eggnog served on antique dinnerware amidst roaring fires, in immaculately clean rooms, all decked out with holly, berries, and winter greens for the holidays. Of course, through the mini-paned windows were scenes of pristine winter wonderland Currier and Ives would have envied. This little trance lived on inside me as I did my best to recreate the pictures in the book. (It never occurred to me that my God Martha had teams of food stylists, set designers, landscape designers, air brushers and the like, to produce this illusion.) (I also failed to notice how smug and chilly and bossy she was, amidst the grandeur).

Fast forward 23 years, post child-rearing, (wonderful, but very messy), post full-time career as psychotherapist, (rewarding, but even messier), to second career as coach, writer, and speaker, (creative and stimulating, but the ultimate “unMartha”). These days, I’m older, and I’ve lost my innocence. As I still carefully arrange the winter greens in the vases, I forgive Martha for the beautiful fantasy, and I settle in the mushy Italian leather chair which really belongs to our cat Mackey, as I look for the remote hidden under a pile of bills, ready to watch the news about the world’s disasters.

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

PS. Stay tuned for my upcoming Blogtalk Radio Show, “The Couplespeak Relationship Forum”. (or I may rename it “Couplespeak With Susan Lager”)

Whatever the case, I’m sure Martha would have settled on a name by now….

Surviving And Thriving Through The Holidays

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 07:59:00 GMT

Hello Reader!

How delicious was your Thanksgiving? Hopefully the company was even more delectable than the turkey! Mine was — my very close “baby sister” from NYC visited me and my family for an extremely fun and relaxing marathon of good meals, intense conversation, movies, sleep(!), sight-seeing, and last but not least, shopping! I hope your holiday was, for you too, a marker of the love and blessings in your life.

If it was more solitary or difficult, hopefully you did stellar self-nurture, and behaved as a best friend to yourself. Remember, you come into and out of this world alone, so it’s vital to treat your constant self with kindness and respect. While I’m on that subject, this self-empathy will serve you well through the rest of the holidays. Be looking for my next Ezine article about managing the holidays more mindfully. In the next day or two it should be published, unless I’ve unknowingly committed some literary heresy. For a peek go to: Susan Lager, Ezine Articles Expert Author

Good Night,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my website for access to more information about relationships: HowToBeABetterCouple

Giving Up

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 07:50:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I’ve met with a number of very stressed clients and colleagues this past week, many of whom share a similar complaint — that the path they’re on just feels too hard and unrelenting. We all get discouraged at times, with whatever journey we’re on, and it can be a simultaneously bleak and relieving thought to “just give up”. Then I heard something very compelling said by one of the nominated CNN “heroes”, (a breed unto themselves, a model of integrity and compassion for us all). When asked if he ever felt like giving up his difficult mission, he said “Of course! I give up once a week, then I get back to work, when I’ve gotten the despair out of my system.”

What a great attitude– legitimize your frustration, designate some time for it, then pick yourself up, and get back to work! I actually used it on myself today. Yesterday, I had multiple frustrations with insurance companies, (the bane of my existence), hassles with technology, and scheduling glitches, so I “gave up!” Today I had several clients who needed to be seen and I wanted to see, amidst an entire day of drilling, paving and exhaust fumes coming from the repaving of the entire rear parking lot. Not to mention the frigid temperature in my office coming through the still broken window (the one a kid hurled a rock through last week), and continued needed preparations for the Thanksgiving weekend with family, amidst my wish to have everything sparkling, and lovely. I had the “I give up!” thought on my way home, then paused, and remembered that I did that yesterday , so it wasn’t an option to go there today, that if I really needed to, I could “give up” next week when my “turn” came up again. It was very soothing, and containing and ridiculously funny all at once! Try it, and see what you think!

Good night, good luck, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Susan Lager

“Stop and be thankful!”

Sat, 20 Nov 2010 02:01:00 GMT

The post “Stop and be thankful!” appeared first on Susan Lager.

Newsflash!!!!!

Wed, 17 Nov 2010 08:06:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

I’m burning the (post) midnight oil again, this time bringing you exciting news!!

I’m about to go live in the next few weeks with my own show on BlogTalk Radio! It will be a 30 minute talk show about relationship issues, featuring experts in the field of psychology and mental health sharing their insights and perspectives with all of you and with me.

You’ll be able to call in live during the show with questions and comments, so it should be VERY interesting, informative, and hopefully, fun when appropriate. Tune in! Here’s the web site: The Couplespeak Relationship Forum

(Next, I’m working on a new formula for maximum health and functioning on four hours of daily sleep.) Haven’t figured that one out yet……

Signing off,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my poll at the bottom of the blog and enter your answers!

Go Easy On Yourself!

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 06:14:00 GMT

GO EASY ON YOURSELF!

It all started with mean old, red-faced Miss Siegel, my first grade teacher who yelled at me whenever I didn’t put some project together properly. From that year on, I became officially “mechanically challenged”. To this day, operating the giant snow blower, or fancy new washing machine may as well be a secret assignment to decipher the DaVinci code. It often takes me three minutes just to figure out how to turn off the new TV, and the DVD player, not the streaming video. Don’t even ask what I’ve gone through manipulating HTML code, doing uploads, downloads, and distinguishing directories from folders in this bizarre internet world!!! But the good (and not so good) news is: I’m not alone! There are millions of us out there, swearing at the TV, staring at the washing machine, and having a love-hate relationship with their laptops. I’ve worked with many right-brained clients trapped in a left-brained world, wondering what’s wrong with themselves, stymied by online bills, ATM’s, and the ultimate mystery of resetting their car clocks. Over the years, our work together has been a combination of gentle self-acceptance, and self-challenge, i.e. where did this script come from? and how to push yourself outside your comfort zone to master new skills? Recently, I heard that Albert Einstein couldn’t tie his own shoe laces (!) So, go easy on yourselves, Right-brainers, maybe your car clock eludes you, but just think, you could instead create the NEW Theory of Relativity!

Goodnight and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my latest video about thankfulness on YouTube! Susan Lager’s Youtube Channel

An Antidote To Poison Thoughts

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 08:25:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

For the third time in a single day, the evil thought insinuates itself in my brain: “Your life will never be easier, never, ever……….” (Here’s the short version of the context):

a second disaster at the same ATM in one week resulting in another chewed up deposit
a kid hurling a rock through my office window in the middle of a session
my car needs to be registered, now!
I’m two weeks late mailing my nephews’ birthday presents, I’m a bad aunt…..

Need I say more? So what do I do when the poison self-talk seeps in? (while I’m stuck in a traffic jam on the bridge under construction)?

I roll up the windows and at the top of my lungs shout: POISON WORDS! POISON WORDS! POISON WORDS! And before I can reach the final part of the antidote (challenge the deletions and distortions: Never easier? Easier than what? Ever? Your whole life?), I’m laughing out loud at my own drama. It’s a grade B movie. Get over yourself, Susan.

So what are your poison words?

Wishing you a more pleasant ATM visit,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my latest published article about forgiveness after an affair at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

PSS. Also check my poll at the bottom of the blog and enter your answers!

Challenge Myself

Sun, 07 Nov 2010 04:56:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

This weekend I pushed myself to do something I would never imagine myself doing. I did a coach training weekend online, sitting on the couch glued to the computer for 18 hours with a bunch of strangers from all over the U.S. and Europe. We forfeited an entire Fall weekend, (luckily it was pewy), and did exercises requiring us to be emotionally naked. And on top of that, it wasn’t my familiar therapy frame, it was “Greek”, forcing my brain to do gymnastics! I tried something totally foreign, from another planet, and guess what? Nobody got killed! The group members made each other cry, chuckle, and feel totally understood around acknowledged dreams. One dismantled roadblock was that people from all walks of life, in different circumstances can not only make a meaningful connection in very little time, but also inspire each other to change and grow. So as I sit here a bit cramped up and numb in the joints, I feel looser in other important ways, really glad I challenged myself. Here’s a quote about this subject you may enjoy:

“Above all, challenge yourself. You may well surprise yourself at what strengths you have, what you can accomplish”– Cecile Springer

Goodnight folks,

Susan Lager

PS. You can access lots of information about making changes at my website: How To Be A Better Couple

PSS. Check out my poll at the bottom of the blog and share your thoughts!

Self Challenge

Sun, 07 Nov 2010 04:08:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

“Above all, challenge yourself. You may well surprise yourself at what strengths you have, what you can accomplish”– Cecile Springer

Goodnight folks,

Susan Lager

PS. You can access lots of information about challenges on my website: www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

“Take love where you find it”, says Susan Lager, your Closer Couples Coach

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 16:42:00 GMT

The post “Take love where you find it”, says Susan Lager, your Closer Couples Coach appeared first on Susan Lager.

Making Mistakes

Sat, 30 Oct 2010 04:51:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I had a cocky friend who made a really big, unchangeable mistake. He noticed blood in his stool for a long time, and did what he always did with uncomfortable situations– ignored it, figuring it was no big deal. He continued to bleed, and have other symptoms which he dismissed, putting off a colonoscopy, even though he was 56 years old, and well within the age range for the test. Sadly, three years later he died of colon cancer, a consequence which might very well have been averted had he dealt with his symptoms earlier. Many people, like John, either ignore negative feedback, or get immobilized and “go catastrophic” when they’ve made a mistake. Many mistakes, when viewed dispassionately, however, are not earth shattering or fatal. If you change your thinking about a mistake, it can open amazing change. Instead of framing it as your own stupidity or carelessness, think of it as VITAL INFORMATION POTENTIALLY USED FOR CORRECTIVE ACTION AND IMPORTANT LEARNING. (When you’re in a close relationship, I can assure you that your partner will greatly appreciate this calmer, more grown-up approach to mistake management):

Indulge your fit briefly to get it out of your system.
Take some deep breaths and rate the mistake on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being a fixable annoyance, and 5 being something catastrophic and irrevocable.
Think of remedial action plans A and B if the mistake is in a “fixable” category.
Implement the corrective actions, then notice the effect, or “read the feedback loop” as I say.
Reflect upon the lesson learned and how you can apply it to future behavior, so you don’t become a professional victim in life.
Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, it’s part of being human.

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

PS. You can access more relationship insights and tools, including my new Merchantcircle newsletter at: How To Be A Better Couple

PSS. You can also see my latest “Relationship Tip of the Week” videos on my YouTube channel: Susan Lager At YouTube

Reserve Some Love…….

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 03:30:00 GMT

Using my beloved Mackey as a prop, I make a point about the effect of directing just a small piece of the affection you give to your favorite pet, to your (supposedly) beloved spouse or partner. (You can go to my YouTube site to see the whole video). The gist of it is this: I worked with a couple who were very hostile and nasty to each other most of the time. It was distressing to watch, and they weren’t performing! It continued until one day they got a little dog they both adored. Each noticed with surprise how much love they were able to so easily pull out of themselves for this dog, so together they decided maybe they could direct some of that same energy toward each other, maybe just 50%, nothing too fancy, just to see what would happen. Well, of course, once they became intentional in this way, the tone of the whole relationship softened, and they felt more loving and happy. Sometimes Action needs to precede Motivation, so, reserve some love and you’ll feel more loving…..

Signing off for now,

Susan Lager

The Closer Couples Coach

PS. For access to more stories, tools and insights about relationships go to my new website: www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Susan Lager, The Closer Couples Coach found at www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 07:24:00 GMT

The post Susan Lager, The Closer Couples Coach found at www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com appeared first on Susan Lager.

Chipping Away AT The Mountain, Bit By Bit

Wed, 20 Oct 2010 04:51:00 GMT

Hello Reader!

It’s been awhile since I’ve been “here” because I haven’t figured out how to get 36 hours of productivity, (and a bit of fun) into a measly 24 hour day, only 18 of which I’m awake. I always find this time of year to be very schizophrenic– warm weather, cold weather : cotton or wool? Gorgeous foliage, seasonal chores: fabulous play or raking leaves, removing screens, stacking wood, storing outdoor furniture, removing air conditioners, cleaning gutters, trimming the garden beds, bringing down winter garments, removing summer garments, cleaning the hot tub, painting the trim, repotting the annuals, cleaning out the garage to make room for the cars so when there’s 2 feet of snow we’re not housebound, changing the quilts so we don’t freeze to death in our sleep, “dressing the house” for Fall so if Martha Stewart drops by she doesn’t have a heart attack, paying quarterly taxes so the IRS doesn’t put me in a cell with “Bubba”, etc., etc……….

My solution? One measly thing at a time….. Chip away at the mountain, bit by bit, know that it will never be perfectly “done!” Imperfect action is better than none at all, and far less crazy than perfectionism. Today a client summed it up perfectly when she quoted her 90 year old aunt:

“Take it from me, sweetie, the first 87 years are the hardest, so don’t fret!”

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. Go to my website, sign on to get free reports, and now my first newsletter with Featured Expert, Katherine Frick, discussing the uses of Mind-Body science for couples.

http://howtobeabettercouple.com/

Imperfect Action

Wed, 20 Oct 2010 04:16:00 GMT

Hello Reader!

“Take it from me, sweetie, the first 87 years are the hardest, so don’t fret!”

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. Go to my website, sign on to get free reports, and now my first newsletter with Featured Expert, Katherine Frick, discussing the uses of Mind-Body science for couples!

How To Be A Better Couple

Making Changes

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 05:02:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

My work with clients always involves the need to make changes in themselves or in their relationships. Most of us feel some anxiety or apprehensiveness about the prospect of change, but need to accept it as a constant in life. So here are some motivational quotes I’ve found to keep you in the change game with style and perspective:

Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be. – John Wooden

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. – Maya Angelou

People change and forget to tell each other. – Lillian Hellman

What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. – Richard Bach

Nature is a mutable cloud which is always and never the same. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

To change own’s life, start immediately, do it flamboyantly, no exceptions. – W. James

Good night and good luck!

Susan Lager

PS. For access to free reports about couples’ issues: http://howtobeabettercouple.com/

Dogged Determination

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 06:47:00 GMT

Hi Readers,

Don’t ask what I’m doing up at this ungodly hour…. I’ll tell you anyway. Just finished an interview for The Union Leader Sunday News (in New Hampshire) about why couples are living together outside of marriage and even having kids, without getting hitched. As usual, I had lots to say, so look for it online this Sunday, 10/10/10!

Also, as a testament to dogged determination I just uploaded my first YouTube video introducing myself and my Couplespeak business. Mind you, the first two uploads I didn’t get quite right, so all you saw was my frozen smiling head– no action, no sound. Even so, I thought for a technically-challenged, right-brained person, it was quite a feat to make the video, caption it and get it online. So what if I was just a frozen head, we all need to celebrate the small victories where we can find them! With the help of my in-house, tired “tech support” it’s been taken down and the new Talking head has replaced it! I say, the longest journey starts with the smallest step. If I can do it, you too can face down your boogeymen!

Persistence, persistence……….

Good (morning!)

Susan Lager

The Power Of Attitude

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 04:41:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

There’s a little story about three bricklayers I’ll share with you:

Three bricklayers were toiling away together, in the hot sun. An old man came by, noticing the work in progress. He asked the first bricklayer, who seemed quite downtrodden, what he was doing. “I’m laying bricks, can’t you see that?!” the worker barked. The old man then asked the same question of the second bricklayer. “I’m building a wall, of course”, sighed the worker with resignation. The old man then turned to the third bricklayer, asking him the same question. “Why Sir, I’m building a beautiful cathedral which will soon grace us all!”, the worker beamed, full of pride.

What’s the point, you ask? Think about it, when you’re investing time and energy doing difficult things for the sake of your marriage or partnership. Think small and “lay bricks”, or think big and “build a cathedral”. Then notice your attitude, energy level, and success or failure. It may surprise you!

Have a great day,

Susan Lager

PS. Check out my new website offering a series of free reports about relationship issues: How To Be A Better Couple

Susan Lager’s New Relationship Blog!

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 03:36:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I’m Susan Lager, a couples therapist and coach, bringing you information and insights about issues related to couples of all kinds. I’ve been in private practice in Portsmouth, New Hampshire for many years, and have recently launched a new division of the business called Couplespeak, offering products and services for relationship improvement and happiness. Stay tuned as I navigate this new site, for my “inside” view of the challenges and tools relevant to anyone in a meaningful relationship.

See you soon!

Susan Lager, The Closer Couples Coach

Intolerance On Campus

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 06:56:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Like so many millions of others, I was so saddened and sickened to hear about the tragic death of Tyler Clemente, the Rutgers freshman who commit suicide after being so cruelly and publicly outed by his roommates. Among the many issues central to this story, are two that stand out for me as a psychotherapist and coach: Intolerance, and “Unthinking”, or unconsciousness.

Obviously, filming and publicly airing footage of a gay man having a sexual encounter with another, is predicated on homophobic sadism, so the perpetrators have actually just unwittingly outed the darkest parts of their own psyches. They will have to face their own intolerance and cruelty, and live with the consequences somehow. But it’s also the issue of committing this violation of privacy and decency, probably framing it as a “joke”, and not thinking through the consequences of such an act on the heart and dignity of a fellow classmate, that’s the clincher here. As a psychotherapist I find unthinking acts, unless they are ones of kindness and generosity, to be very dangerous and damaging.

It’s the ultimate copout to not think through the possible immediate and long-term effects of one’s own behavior on others. One’s own “moment of hilarity”, or “thrill”, can become a lifelong legacy of pain for the recipient, in this case, pain so intolerable, that the young man ended his life jumping off a bridge.

My biggest wish for all of humanity is to not only grow more open-hearted tolerance for difference, but to commit to thinking through to the impact on others– to be more conscious (and empathic) in all relationships. What a world we’d have if everyone worked harder on this every single day!……..

Goodnight,

Susan Lager, The Closer Couples Coach

Say What? Better Communication Skills In A Relationship

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Several times in the past few weeks I’ve witnessed couples struggle with avoidable misunderstandings. John and Jane have a brief late night conversation about a hot-button topic, they keep going until they’re exhausted, and go to bed, thinking it’s resolved. Over the course of the week each one proceeds with their own version of the “agreement”, until the “alternate realities” become apparent in an explosive fight. Each is hurt, offended, and feels negated. Familiar scene?

Here’s two tips from a seasoned spouse and couples therapist to avoid the mayhem:

STOP when you’re tired — it only produces distortion! Tomorrow’s a new day.
When you think you’ve reached a resolution, don’t just walk away to water the garden or walk the dog. Instead, Restate Your Takeaway. Reiterate, in your own words, your understanding of what the conclusion was and why. If your partner nods, it’s good, you got it. If your partner tries to throw a plant at you, it’s not good, you need to ask for clarity, then try again. Now your partner needs to do the same, and when you both feel heard and understood, it’s good, now go walk the dog.

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. Go to my newly live website for lots more relationship tools: How To Be A Better Couple

Say What? Better Communication Skills In Your Relationship

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Here’s two tips from a seasoned spouse and couples therapist to avoid the mayhem:

STOP when you’re tired — it only produces distortion! Tomorrow’s a new day.
When you think you’ve reached a resolution, don’t just walk away to water the garden or walk the dog. Instead, Restate Your Takeaway. Reiterate, in your own words, your understanding of what the conclusion was and why. If your partner nods, it’s good, you got it. If your partner tries to throw a plant at you, it’s not good, you need to ask for clarity, then try again. Now your partner needs to do the same, and when you both feel heard and understood, it’s good, now go walk the dog.

Good night and good luck,

Susan Lager

PS. Go to my newly live website for lots more relationship tools: How To Be A Better Couple

Decisions Made Carefully

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 05:15:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

It’s been a crazy-busy week full of decisions about business things, birthday gifts, how to use the last days of summer, and, most critically, buying a new washer and dryer after the old dinosaurs bit the dust.

The last decision I tried to make as fast as possible, given that my idea of spending a beautiful Sunday in September is NOT at Home Depot! I was advised by a family member, however, not to commit the future of our laundry to a hasty choice possibly resulting in duller “whites” for years to come. It reminded me of something a client said in a session and gave me permission to share with the world: When it comes to big decisions, either emotional, financial or otherwise, don’t be hasty. “Put it to the committee of sleep”, and you’ll be clearer in the morning about what you need to do.

Well, I’m off to bed, probably dreaming about Maytags, Whirlpools and Kenmores, lucky me….

Night-night,

Susan Lager

P.S. By the way, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com is live, so you can get your Free Reports now! Go to: How To Be A Better Couple

Affirmations For Success

Sun, 12 Sep 2010 17:05:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

I’ve been thinking about people who are obviously happy, moving steadily toward their goals, and experiencing success in their endeavors. (Hopefully I’m somewhere on that list too…) It’s given me the idea for a next article called “Think Like An Athlete and Radically Change Your Marriage”. Mind you, I know very little about the mechanics of professional sports, can barely tell the names attached to the sport, i.e.:

Are the Bruins hockey or football? It’s pathetic, but I do somehow know a thing or two about sports psychology, that’s right up my alley! So here’s a sports tool you can easily use in your own life, even if you’re not about to attempt your own bobsled run in the olympics:

AFFIRMATIONS: An affirmation is a positive declaration of a condition you’d like to exist, stated positively in the present tense, using the personal pronoun “I”.

For example:

I enjoy weekends with my partner.

I love my husband’s cooking efforts.

I feel happy in our new home.

I enjoy teamwork with my spouse.

I deserve my partner’s attention.

It may seem hokey, but affirmations are a great tool to prime your brain for relationship success through positive visualizations. Try it!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. My new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live this week, finally! Go there and you’ll have access to articles and lots more upcoming information about relationship success. How To Be A Better Couple

Tom Brady And Coping With Stress

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 05:06:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

As you may have heard, Tom Brady, the NFL Football superhero, was in a car accident today in Boston. It was really bad timing, not only for another person involved who sustained injuries, but also for Brady who has apparently been in contract negotiations for some time, and was possibly going to reach an agreement today. In the football world, such an accident, even if it wasn’t his fault, doesn’t bode well for Brady. He was worried about the other injured passenger, en route to a practice, and awaiting the contract outcome. An average person would have been totally freaked out, and not very functional after this particular sequence of events. But a newscaster said Brady wasn’t injured, and planned to attend practice, not because he’s callous, but because he has a remarkable ability to compartmentalize.

It made me think of this typical (more often male) coping strategy, and how double-edged it is. It so often disconnects people from experiences and context, and alienates partners, but also enables great athletes and others not to fall apart under stress.

I tell clients to observe the duality of this coping strategy, and figure out when it serves them well, as well as when it handicaps them, particularly in their relationships. How does it serve you?

Signing off,

Susan Lager

P.S. Look for my upcoming article related to this issue available through my new website later this month(!!!!!!) at: How To Be A Better Couple

P.S.S. Also check out my latest published article: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Designing at 2:00 AM!

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 06:07:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

Check out my new logo!

create logo

What do you think?

Susan Lager

Shelling Peanuts–A Lost Pastime?

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:24:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

This title wasn’t just a random thought. There have been a few images which lodged in my brain, making me think about what is getting lost living in the fast lane, as most of us do. My husband Thom and I were floating around in our boat near a sandbar today on our favorite lake in New Hampshire. It was boiling hot out, so we’d read or talk a bit, then take a dip in the lake, pick blueberries, watch the ripples in the water, and repeat the whole sequence for most of the afternoon. At one point, a smiling, elderly gentleman floated by on a dinghy, arms and legs hanging out, aimlessly headed nowhere in particular, obviously having a grand old time, entirely “in the moment”. It was a “shelling peanuts” (on a porch), kind of day. Sadly, I think this kind of energy and attitude, slow and languorous, gets squelched in our busy lives, and something precious to our selves and our relationships gets lost. I encourage clients, (and myself) to be more intentional about preserving this kind of tempo as sacred to our sense of well-being, our connection to the world, and to our partners. And by the way, who got the crazy idea to bring peanuts to us already shelled?

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

P.S. Any day now, my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com will be live AND functional, with Free Reports you’ll find useful! Then will come E-books, and many more tools to help you have happier partnerships.

Blame In Relationships

Sun, 29 Aug 2010 19:12:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

The other day I got into a heated argument with my (frustrated lawyer) 23-year old son. I accused him / my husband of misplacing the spare key to our house which we keep in a hidden place in our garage. Given the fact that my son Alec NEVER puts anything back where it should be, it seemed only logical that he was the probable culprit, although my A.D.D. riddled husband was a likely runner up. (I, of course, NEVER misplace anything, I’m so perfect.) My outraged son said that the context was highly exaggerated and moot, and that my default position of blaming was NASTY and UNFAIR! (Of course, shortly afterward I found the key in question buried under a pile of beach bags and coolers we all use). But it got me thinking about how often I’m guilty of blaming, and how frequently I see it in my couples therapy practice, and how toxic it usually is. There are a few things we all need to do to avoid the “blame game”:

Admit we have been doing it and resolve to STOP.
Think about our own part in a problem & take responsibility for our own role, not project it outward. (i.e. me considering how I may also have contributed to the garage mess leading to the missing key).
Consider how we may set ourselves up for being seen as the “guilty party”, and change our behavior. (Alec being willing to look at the context– that if he’s continually leaving things all over the house, car and yard, it would be logical for others to assume he’s also the one who LOST THE KEY!!!!!!)

Thankfully, in our case it ended with a truce and good will. But if you do it too with some frequency in your relationships, watch out — it’s a relationship “sinkhole”!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. Take my newly published Couplespeak™ Marriage Fitness Test at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Back To School (Of Relationships) Part 3

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 03:53:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

It’s August 24th, and about two weeks away from the end of this glorious summer. (!) This means that the first task is to let go without being morose, and feeling sorry for yourself about all the endings. You’ll be able to do this with more finesse if:

You visualize your summer experiences as precious nuggets of memory in a treasure chest you can open at any point to enjoy alone or together with your partner. All is not lost.
You think about the things you never got around to doing, and resolve to get to them next summer through an ACTION plan.
You “reframe” the Fall as the Time for New Starts, (remembering that resolution you made to address the one or two problems in your relationship you would begin to deal with.) Hopefully by now you’ve gotten curious about your role in the problem(s), as well as your role in the solution(s). If you’re clueless, use your short-term memory to pull up an image of your partner complaining about something you’ve done or not done. Now imagine a miracle has happened and this is no longer a problem in the relationship. What do you see yourself doing differently, and what are the markers of change which tell you this miracle has happened? Those behavioral “flags”are your map toward working on your end of the changes. Do one thing differently, then look for the “feedback loops” (acknowledgment of impact from your partner).

School is in session! Now go to “recess” for a little break before you tire of all this positive action…..

Happy Trails,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my latest published article about the Couplespeak Marriage Fitness Test at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

A Day At The Beach

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 04:11:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

Swimming again, thankfully no sharks! (We all need to appreciate the small things in life)….

With Gratitude,

Susan Lager

Back To (Relationship) School Part 2

Sat, 14 Aug 2010 13:30:00 GMT

Good Morning Reader,

I’ve been thinking about this issue of readiness for the coming year since I brought it up. Hopefully by now you’ve begun to reflect firstly on a particular relationship which feels a bit limp, and needs some TLC.

When you think about the strengths, be straight with yourself about whether or not you’ve done anything to “feed” them. If not, take a meaningful step by doing one thing to make the other person feel valued or loved. It may be a small gift, or an email or call, or an invitation to do something together soon, or just a conversation about why you care, and what you enjoy about that person. (Unless you’re disgustingly mushy, your friend or partner will probably love hearing something from your heart). Don’t assume they already know it. Even if they do, most people love “words of affirmation”.

Now think about the one or two problems you’ve already identified in this relationship, and your part in them. Be prepared to go into corrective action with one change in the coming weeks. We’ll talk about that one later……

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. Keep an eye out for my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com (which should have been up and running in July, but I’ve been playing too hard this summer).

Back To School (Of Relationships)

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 03:58:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

The summer is almost over, and once again I start getting an onslaught of calls in my practice for people who want “back to school supplies” of a sort. I don’t mean the pencil and notebook kind, but instead the tools and resources folks need to get back to the work of tending to their relationships as the warm weather winds down, especially here in the Northeast. We all have mixed memories about this time of year– mourning the loss of the carefree days of summer, and the excitement about the new school year, new teachers, new friends, new experiences, NEW SHOES!!!! This same “clock” applies to our relationships, with the renewed energy in the Fall for beginnings. I’ll be writing about this issue with ideas about specific things you can do to refresh your most important relationships. First do three things:

Think about which one of your relationships feels a bit tired or neglected at this point.
Think about a few strengths in that relationship you need to dust off and expand upon.
Think about one or two problems in the relationship, the circumstances which fuel them, and what it might take to begin a remedy.

Voila!! You’ve just started your “back to school shopping”! Now go back to the beach, enjoy the rest of the summer, and know you’ll be better prepared for the coming year in the Fall with a few more supplies….

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Swimming With Sharks

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 05:36:00 GMT

Well Hello Again, Reader!

I realize I’ve been incognito for awhile this summer. Guess why? I work in New Hampshire, and live in Maine, on both coasts where we have alot of ocean, beaches, and now, of all things, SHARKS!!!! People who live in this area generally feel frantic to enjoy the measly amount of warm weather for maybe two months, so must of us play alot of hooky and head for the water. But this year, we have company in the form of 12 foot Blue Sharks, and Great Whites swimming along with us! And I cannot bring myself to stay on the sand now that my close friend Kathy has turned me into what a Great White would consider a “seal lookalike” by getting me hooked on wet-suit swimming. While all the other (smart) folks squeamishly dip their ankles in the frigid water and run back onto the sand, there we are bobbing about in our suits for hours, cool and happy as clams, self righteous, oblivious sharkbait, surfers without the boards…..

Ain’t life grand?

Swimmingly,

Susan Lager

P.S. When (and If) I get out of the water, I’ll get back to you with lots more about couples on my soon to be born, (but now pesky) website HowToBeABetterCouple.com

At Home Vacations

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 03:40:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

It’s mid summer, hotter than Hell, and the perfect time for enjoying your hometown if you can’t get away. Here are ten tips for the perfect at-home vacation I’ll share with you:

Treat your home as a hotel for the “vacation” time.
Avoid all the usual dull, dreary, daily chores. Commit to not doing any dishes, laundry, or bills for now. If you don’t love cooking, get take-out or eat in restaurants.
Get unplugged. Stay away from email and phone messages. If you don’t want everyone to think you’ve been abducted by aliens, leave a friendly message on your machine saying you’re “vacating”.
Do some research with your Significant Other about events and resources in your area.
Divide the time up, and take turns treating eachother to special days playing “tourists”, each taking initiative on your day for all the plans and logistics.
Commit to going to some new places you haven’t been before, or new activities to you both.
If your self-care routines usually feel like drudgery, relax. Have an extra glass of wine or miss a workout. It won’t kill you.
Connect with some friends in a new way. Remember, now you have the time.
Sleep late if you want. Relax all your rules.
Talk about things close to your heart. Avoid hot-button issues.

Before you know it, you’ll be on “island time” having a wonderful vacation without the worry about your plane getting hijacked, your passport getting stolen, or your wallet getting depleted. Enjoy!

Happy trails,

Susan Lager

Telephone Problems In An Impersonal World

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 21:17:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

Have you ever started a perfectly fine day with a “benign” call about a billing error or something needing immediate attention, only to discover you’re lost in the impersonal world of automatic answerers, and malfunctioning redirects? This was how my beautiful Monday started after a lovely weekend.

I spent half an hour trying to get to the right person at my bank regarding an online billing error, and was directed to no less than eight people, all of whom were very chirpy and courteous, but unhelpful. I then was caught up in the automated system of another online account, and never did get to a human. I decided to give it a rest, and waited to get to my office to complete my calls, figuring my frustration tolerance would improve with the beautiful view. No such luck. It wasn’t until my final call to an internet service, that I reached a person on the first try! He was informative, patient, and human. What a relief! When this happens, I remind myself to be in that category, return calls on time, make a connect, and not be another piece of automation in an impersonal world. I then make a point of smiling at toll-takers, thanking people for holding doors open, and avoid anything at all like road rage. Especially if you’re lonely, this is like a tonic, and you’re part of the solution in what can feel like a cold, impersonal place.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Setting Boundaries With Family

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 04:32:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I hope you had a restful and fun July 4th weekend, and if you spent time with your family, you enjoyed them! This isn’t usually about having perfect relationships, it’s more often about setting boundaries which insure that your personal space or couple’s space is honored. This can be as simple as making it clear what arrival and departure times work best, or what to bring to an occasion. It could be as sensitive as giving cues about what subjects are off limits, or what would feel indiscreet. If you are refraining from drinking, setting good boundaries would involve first being clear with yourself about why, and what your action plan is, then if offered drinks, graciously making a “no, thank you” clear to your family. Setting boundaries in relationships protects you and your loved ones from undue hurt, humiliation and anger. And if family members don’t honor your boundaries, you might consider whether your requirements are too rigid or harsh, or if you may need to consider another “venue” for contact which may more readily provide more protective structure. And don’t fret– it takes practice to learn how to do it with finesse, so chances are, if this July 4th was a wipeout, next one will more likely be better.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my published articles about relationship issues at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Also, look for my soon-to-be-launched website full of couple’s resources at: http://www.howtobeabettercouple.com

Quality Time For Couples

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 04:28:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

What do Hullavators, J-Bars, Slide and Set Saddles, new bathing suits, trailer balls, hitches, Thermos coolers, Porta-Potties, ice cream cones, picnic lunches, juicy novels, and sunsets have in common?

You guessed it! Summertime fun in the sun on a favorite lake, with not only kayaks, but now with our little cruising motorboat! This is the sequel to “Father’s Day Celebration With Determination”: what started as a gift to the Husband and Father of quality family time for the day, now unfolds into carving out regular quality time as a couple — no cellphones, no laptops, no “homework”, no dishes, no bills, no laundry, no distractions from the shear pleasure of precious time together. It never comes easily or automatically, it requires planning, creativity, collaboration, commitment, and a capacity for joy. If you value it in your relationship, the returns will be immense. (Keep in mind that if you create experiences which involve some novelty, something out of your ordinary routine, you will be ramping up supplies of dopamine and norepinephrine, the “pleasure” chemicals in your brain associated with romantic love!) So your house will be a bit messier, and your voicemail will be full, but no one will get killed if you create wonderful memories together. It’s the “glue” in intimate partnerships, and most of us preserve too little time for quality time together. So start dreaming and together planning some experiences this summer, away from the stressors and routines of your everyday life. Think of all the money you’ll save on marriage counseling down the road!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. Look for my latest published articles about couple’s issues at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

The Power of Forgiveness In Marriage

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 05:25:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I witnessed the most amazing transformation in a young couple’s marriage this week. I saw this couple for about two years after the discovery of the wife’s affair with a coworker. The wife was psychologically out of the marriage, and immersed in shame. The husband was traumatized and obsessed with the betrayal, often in a rage. Through shear force of will we all hung in there working through the crisis, with the prospect of forgiveness almost unimaginable at times. But this week they returned for a checkup session after a few months off, with their new baby daughter, proud and beaming, peaceful and filled with joy, which we all knew was no miracle. They had worked diligently to face the crisis, understand it and their roles in it, and to do the daily work of healing and growth. The wife had to forgive herself for the transgression, the husband had to forgive her for the betrayal, and they each had to commit to changing the culture of their relationship so it wouldn’t be so vulnerable again. They had to confront their own humanity in their capacity to hurt each other, but also to forgive and deepen intimacy. They reminded me that genuine forgiveness usually happens when couples make it a relentless, daily practice, like athletes training for the olympics. It’s not a lazy, haphazard process, it’s grueling and exhausting, but the ultimate “gold medal” is the sweetest ever….

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

P.S. Stay tuned for more about the issue of forgiveness and letting go, in articles, teleseminars, and Ebooks you’ll find on my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com in July!

Celebrating Father’s Day With Determination

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 04:05:00 GMT

Happy Father’s Day Reader,

It may be a Hallmark invention, but honoring Dad’s is really a great idea if you have the energy. My husband Thom, is an awesome father, and certainly deserved to be treated like a king today. So my son Alec and I conspired to do “acts of service” (slave labor), to celebrate. First, we did all the research, then bought and assembled a new Thule kayak rack for my new car so next Sunday when we have the time together, we’ll be all ready for our first day of the season on our favorite lake. That’s where my husband, the father in question, goes into trance mode floating around looking for lures, old boots, and whatnot underwater. It’s like being on happy drugs without the drugs. Then I cooked up a gourmet breakfast we enjoyed on the deck, looking out over our land minus his four eyesore blueberry bushes I transplanted to my husband’s front vegetable garden– (no feat for the faint of heart, the first hole was filled with boulders, not rocks, boulders. The second hole was crisscrossed with giant roots which had to be extricated with an axe.) I thought I was going to have a heart attack, so the last two bushes I repotted into giant deck pots, hauling enormous bags of dirt, wondering about this Father’s Day stuff. Oh, I forgot, last night I packed a picnic dinner for the beach where we froze to death amidst the Maine monsoon, but he loved the romantic thought …. Then tonight I whipped up an elaborate Indian dinner fit for a Maharaji, while Alec invented new cocktails using about $30. worth of fruit, but it too was a romantic thought…. Tonight we all collapsed after Alec and I, the two slaves, escaped briefly before the King came home, to cool off with a swim in our local pond. The Father was truly honored. The slaves are happy and ready to escape….

Hope you too honored the Dad in your life, and have Advil on hand,

Susan Lager

P.S. Have a look at my published articles about couple’s issues at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Saying You’re Sorry

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 05:10:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Watching the news today I couldn’t help but shake my head and my finger, (I won’t say which one) at B.P.’s CEO Tony Hayward. I’m just one of millions of people outraged by his callous greed and reckless decisions made before and after the oil spill. But the thing that really got to me was the way he said he “was sorry”! Sitting in front of the energy committee hearing, he had the gall to express “regret” for the loss of life and the hardship caused to the families and people in the area, then, when questioned, he in effect said he had nothing to do with the whole fiasco, and didn’t know much about many of the fateful decisions made! The net effect was to generate more rage and outrage in the hearing, and all over the networks. The lesson? When you supposedly apologize for something, you need to SAY YOU’RE SORRY by doing the following:

Take responsibility for your behavior, using “I” statements, i.e. what you DID to cause harm.
After you go into the details of the situation and your role in it, express remorse and regret.
Acknowledge your understanding of the harm done to the other, the hurtful impact.
Ask for forgiveness, and acknowledge to the victim that they may or may not grant it.
Commit to some form of repentance, some corrective behavior to avoid repeated harm.

What Hayward did instead was what I see in couples work all too often: “I’m SORRY! (Get over it!)”

(Maybe watching CNN isn’t the best way to start the day)………………

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my latest published articles about relationship issues at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Sunday Night Party

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 04:15:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

I had the best Spontaneous End of The Weekend Bash last night ever! I’d highly recommend it as a useful “reframe”. Here’s the recipe for mine:

one part lazy gardening earlier in the day, no broken back
one part Food Network grilled pork with Blackberry-jalapeno glaze
one part couscous-stuffed peppers with basil sauce (from the garden of no broken back)
one part warm, messy kitchen
one part happy husband watching the sunset over his arugula plants, martini in hand
one part happy son with happy girlfriend, laughingly making coconut mojitos
one part Yo-Yo Ma playing cello
one part louder laughter as son’s friend, the supreme character, joins the crew
one part competitive storytelling
five parts love

Shake together till blended, and enjoy!

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

Keeping Agreements With Yourself And Others

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 04:49:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

I’ve had a number of psychotherapy sessions this week, mostly with couples about how critical it is to honor agreements made with eachother, and how the breaking of agreements erodes trust. The discussion generally led to the issue of promises made to oneself, and how that’s part of the whole deal. And I’m thinking, “of course, you can’t bail out on your partner or yourself! It breaks faith!”

Then I get home, it’s 10:00 P.M., and first thing I do is reneg on my promise to myself to not eat carbs late at night. Oh well, the world won’t come to an end if my butt is two inches bigger……

Then I check my emails and again notice the one about technical difficulties with my new website, requiring alot more alien, left-brained problem-solving, so my solution is to bag the whole mess, and maybe follow that fantasy of becoming a roadcrew signholder, and not have to think so much! Who ever needed a website anyway? Oh, I forgot to mention the trademark fiasco, and my quick solution for that: I get some return calls from the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office telling me time’s almost up to produce all the goods and services I’ve filed a trademark for, otherwise it’s even more money for an extension. (hidden meaning: they took me SERIOUSLY, and expect me to make good on my promise!) What are they, crazy? My solution? Who needs a trademark anyway? Did anyone ever get killed because they lacked one? So, gentle reader, if you’ve ever wanted to shoot yourself for breaking agreements to your partner or yourself, or even thinking about it, chances are your fancy therapist knows all too well how you feel.

Goodnight for now,

Susan Lager

P.S. Maybe I’ll surprise you and actually have that website up as promised in July: www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Monday Blues

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 04:22:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

When it’s Monday, and you’re coming off a long relaxing weekend, don’t sweat the small stuff.

Just remember to BREATHE…………….

Goodnight Bear,

Susan Lager

P.S. Keep an eye out for my new website www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com for all sorts of resources!

Happy Birthday To Me

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 17:34:00 GMT

Good Morning Reader,

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was lovely. My family had a little breakfast party for me with an elegant table of delicious food and wonderful presents–(among which was a Nook E-reader which I’ll use alot if I can give myself permission to sit still long enough to read downloaded books). I was later taken out to lunch by two friends and colleagues, during which we had a heated debate about porn in marriage, an issue which shows up more frequently in my work with couples. Then I tooled around Portsmouth with one of the friends, visiting local shops and shooting the breeze with the owners, some of whom used to work for my husband. We then strolled around the waterfront at Prescott Park, and enjoyed the gardens and the river scene. Later, I spoke to one of my sisters, who had sent me a beautiful card and a gift, then my husband and I went to dinner at Mombo, a new, casually elegant restaurant in the historic Strawberry Banke section of town. The whole day made me feel special and loved, something which should happen on birthdays, and hopefully often throughout the year. So, Happy Birthday to Me!

Older and happier,

Susan Lager

Oil Crisis in The Gulf of Mexico — Thoughts About ” Wreaking Havoc”

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 05:30:00 GMT

Greetings Reader,

I heard another news story today about the oil spill in the Gulf, and some guy referred to it as “wreaking havoc” on the local industry. I won’t go into my thoughts about the B.P. fiasco, but I will say that the expression “wreaking havoc” not only describes alot of the aggravation and hardship people inflict on others, resulting from their lousy decisions, but it also describes the misery people create in their most important relationships. Think about this: How are you “wreaking havoc” in yours?

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my latest published articles at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Making a Decision To Move Forward

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 03:41:00 GMT

Good Evening, Reader,

Over the long weekend I was thinking about something Patricia Drain, one of my business coaches, said to me very matter of factly last week as she marveled at my progress transitioning into this world of internet coaching and writing: “You made a decision, Susan! That was the turning point.” I had long considered the possibility of leaving the familiar haven of my beloved, full-time psychotherapy work, to add writing, public speaking, and training programs to my professional life. After much ruminating and ambivalence, I finally made the decision. I would continue to work with a select group of individuals and couples in psychotherapy, but also work with a larger client base using a coaching frame. Since then, I have been passionately immersed in this change, in what Tracy Repchuk, an internet Guru, calls “massive action”– nonstop total commitment to one’s goal. In Change Theory there’s alot said about the proper use of resources and tools, but that has to be built upon the earlier stage of Contemplation, resolution of any ambivalence about the change, and MAKING A DECISION. This is apparent frequently in couples therapy– “tools” are moot until partners make a decision about where to put their energy– more of the same, making it better, or getting out. Then the work becomes the lining up of actions with the goal, establishing markers of progress and motivational aids to stay on course. So if you feel frustration about some change you’ve supposedly wanted for awhile, and it’s going nowhere fast, ask yourself, “Have I made a decision yet?”

Decidedly,

Susan Lager

P.S. In July watch for my new website HowToBeABetterCouple.com with surveys, special reports, articles, and monthly membership benefits!

Speak Up!! Assertiveness in Relationships and Life

Fri, 28 May 2010 05:07:00 GMT

Hi Reader,

Have you ever placed an order for something, then when it arrives you feel nauseous, because it’s horrible, and you’re afraid you’ll have to live with it for the rest of time? In my case, the culprit was a giant mound of supposedly “dark brown” garden mulch. What kept staring at me instead, was a mountain of orangey, tannish chips which looked like it escaped a Walmart parking lot. I spent some time spreading it in the flower beds, trying to convince myself that it was sort of exotic-looking, or that I was too fussy, and getting carried away with this gardening stuff. Then it occurred to me that I might call the supplier and ask them what they could do about it, that maybe I didn’t have suffer with it all season just because I had opted for dark brown, not black. I was respectful, and clear that they had misnamed it, even when a guy came out to look at it with me, and tried to convince me that the mulch lightens up in the sun. I calmly pointed out that the pile was under a thick canopy of trees where no sun had ever shined, (with a smile), and that I was sure we could come to some resolution. One hour after he left, assuring me he wanted a happy customer, a truck showed up with a four additional yards of deep, dark beautiful mulch. The company earned my undying loyalty for valuing my concern, and it was a lesson in the benefits of saying what you need, instead of feeling like a victim and silently stewing. It’s the same in any relationship– consider your complaint, if it feels valid, voice it, then state the request embedded inside. Commit to assertiveness in your relationships, (even with your landscape supplier), presume a mutually satisfying solution, and chances are you’ll get to one.

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

P.S. Look for my new article about couples and intimacy at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Speed Gardening and the Revenge of the Sandcherry

Tue, 25 May 2010 03:24:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Some things in life should not be rushed. Picture this: 8:00 A.M. today after a rare ample night’s sleep, I go online to “quickly” pay some bills, looking forward to a full workout in my lovely, cool gym downstairs. It’s already pushing 80 degrees outside, and I’m drenched in sweat. Much to my chagrin, I discover my account balance is very short, and I figure out that in a rush, I’ve mistakenly paid some bills twice in two days, didn’t note it, and then had amnesia about the whole thing. (So much for one hour of “efficiency”). Then, when I realize my son Alec is going for a bike ride, and I’ll have to wait for his help, I furiously wrangle our Sandcherry bush into its new spot next to the shed by myself. I’m shoveling dirt with lightening speed, making time for the gym “me time” when in my haste, I poke myself in the eye with one of the branches. Now, with one bum eye I finally make my way to the gym where I have all of twenty minutes left for the workout. I dress and leave for work, and see three clients completely out of focus, because the eye is irritated and demanding attention. I maneuver my way into an emergency appointment with my opthomologist with the one “leisurely hour break” already scheduled. The good news is that it’s just a Corneal abrasion, and I’m going to live. The bad news is that I never did get to see how that damned Sandcherry must have looked so perfect in its new home!

All in good time,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my newly published article about an intimacy ritual to be a closer couple at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Slowing Down

Sun, 23 May 2010 06:10:00 GMT

Good crack of dawn, Reader,

Now here’s a topic close to my heart! When is enough, ENOUGH?

I am the queen of overfunctioning, thus we’re having these heart-to-hearts often in the wee hours of the morning when reasonable people are sleeping. Even my nocturnal sister says I’m a vampire. What I know for sure is that it can be challenging to set limits, and remember that tomorrow is another day. In my case it relates to enthusiasm and excitement about new projects or ideas, and boundless energy. For some people, however, it may relate to anxiety, perfectionism, or serious manic states. If you have difficulty stopping, you may need to explore whether there is a physiologic disorder, or psychological issue causing the behavior.

Women, who are so famous for multitasking, are often juggling too many balls in the air, trying to accomplish too much in one day. There’s also often secondary gain involved, as people around them may capitalize on having a Whirling Dervish in their midst. It may let them off the hook from dreary tasks.

One thing I have learned is to work at consciously doing LESS in any 24 hours– to leave more time to get places, to plan less errands, and to lop off some of my daily “to do” list on the front end. Ultimately, there’s greater satisfaction in Less done well.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. Stay tuned for my upcoming website chock full of ideas, articles, Ebooks and more.

Partner Vision

Fri, 21 May 2010 04:49:00 GMT

Good Evening Reader,

When you get in your car and go on a trip, if you are female you know the importance of using a map if you hope to arrive at a decent place in good time. If you are a male, chances are you don’t ask for directions, but you rely on your “internal map” to get there. Either way, it’s a combination of a vision which provides some structure, and an organic unfolding– stopping to enjoy the sights, or spontaneously taking some unexpected turns. It’s the same way in intimate relationships– it helps to have an idea or vision for what you want to accomplish together, or how you want to grow, or how you want the “rules” of your partnership to change. If historically you’ve gotten into some predictable, bad scrapes with each other, you need to have a kind of map directing you to other dynamics, fueled by negotiated ideas or pictures of where you want to end up. I’ve seen this unfold in my work with couples quite a bit this week, maybe because it’s Spring, and a time of new growth, or maybe because we’re all getting smarter about this relationship stuff.

One thing I know for sure is that partner visioning gives couples a destination, and when it’s done thoughtfully, couples establish “markers” of change which guide the way. Establishing a direction is usually a helpful thing, unless you’re blindly heading North on a Southbound road.

Hopefully moving forward,

Susan Lager

P.S. Look for more on this topic, including exercises for implementing partner vision-work on my soon-to-be-born website: HowToBeABetterCouple.com

Building a Relationship With Your Life Partner

Wed, 19 May 2010 04:26:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

On my usual morning mad dash to the office (I never said I was a time-management expert), I drive through the intersection of Russell and Deer Street in Portsmouth. Over the last nine or ten months it’s been the construction site of a new eco-friendly Marriott Hotel. This spot used to be occupied by the “Parade Mall”, a disgusting, sprawling, pre-fab vestige of the 60’s which somehow made it’s way into the quaint, historic landscape of our beloved seaside city. I watched with glee as this monstrosity was demolished to make room for the new hotel. They blasted out a huge crater and laid the foundation, then over the next few months erected the iron skeleton floor by floor. Through the wintry rain and snow, the construction team added the wood overlay, sculpted out the windows, and day by day fine-tuned all the details until the bricklayers arrived to surface the outside, the part I was most eager to see unfold. How could they possible finish before the turn of the next century, laying brick by brick amidst the frozen New England winter? Much to my dismay, they wrapped the whole surface in canvas sheets, blowing heaters inside them while they mysteriously did their handiwork. Then Poof! One day it was all done except for some outside details like sidewalks, trees, and signs. Now, the hotel is almost ready to open for business, and I’m realizing why I’ve been so transfixed by the project. Building a hotel is alot like building a relationship. The old, defunct structures must be dismantled to make way for newer, more pleasing and functional ones. There must be a dedicated team working collaboratively day by day, regardless of the weather. A solid foundation must be built to support the entire structure. The labor needs to be divided so all the tasks can be undertaken efficiently, and in reasonable order. Some parts, like the bricklaying, are mysterious. It is a gradual feat of determination, creativity and daring. And it starts, and moves inexorably forward, with love and vision. What kind of relationship are you building?…………

Amazed,

Susan Lager

How To Be a Closer Couple

Mon, 17 May 2010 05:54:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

It’s been a long, beautiful weekend, and I’m reminded in Spring of a lovely ritual my husband Thom and I engage in during the warm weather. It always brings us closer together, and I routinely recommend it to my clients who live outside cities, especially those couples who want to create more sharing without the labor of words all the time. Here it is: Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning, grab a big cup of coffee, each of you, and head outside for your yard or your land. If you start this routine early in the Spring, notice all the new growth and shoots as you both walk around, and take pleasure in the miracle of nature. Smell the earth at last, notice all the green, and look for all the buds you can find. If you have done any landscaping or yard work together, take some time to enjoy the fruit of your labor as you note the garden beds coming alive again. Do NOT, and I repeat, do NOT start weeding or hauling brush! That’s work, and this is about a few minutes of shared joy in the world you’ve created, so don’t get compulsively busy! Exchange some ideas about how you both want to improve and expand upon your garden in the coming months, even if you only want to plant a few flowers or a tomatoe bush. Imagine the lovely experiences you’ll have with eachother, friends and family in the coming season, and enjoy the anticipation of shared pleasure. Now, say goodbye as you each go off to your work with a thirty second hug to further increase the “feel-good” chemicals in your brains, and know that the day will be a touch softer because of the small intimacy in the morning. (Repeat as often as you can until the snow flies, or it’s too freezing to hang around outside).

Goodnight,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my latest published articles about relationship issues at: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

Also stay tuned for my upcoming website Couplespeak.com where you will find an array of products and services for partnership problem-solving and enrichment!

Accountability, Persistence, and the Exercise Nazi

Fri, 14 May 2010 03:20:00 GMT

Happy Friday, Reader!

I got a new stationery bike for Mother’s Day and I’m obsessed with it. My industrious son assembled it and had it waiting in our basement gym when I came home the other night. We’ve collected a giant room full of exercise equipment and gadgets my New York City sister says would rival any fitness club in Manhattan, only in ours you’re not jammed in with scores of cranky, sweaty people fighting over machines. The gym is my sanity, my sanctuary, where I refuel. When I’m being good, I don’t answer the phone or allow any interruptions, only the sweet sounds of the Food Network on the TV while I hit target heartrate on the treadmill, or head for the ceiling on the trampoline. But I think my new favorite will be the bike, which I’ve actually always hated before The Exercise Nazi came with it. Now, on this model you can insert a card in a slot and Jillian Michaels, the dominatrix from The Biggest Loser, yells at you to keep going, don’t give up!!! And she knows if you’re goofing off, getting too hung up with the recipes on TV, and losing your focus– she bumps up the speed or the resistance, and you can’t escape!! She and the machine document your every move, and keep you prisoner until you collapse at the end with a mixed sense of relief and pride in your own physical prowess. It’s not the same experience being all alone in the gym with nobody to care if I bag it after ten minutes. This way, I’m accountable, someone is The Witness, someone else cares! Don’t we all need a special relationship like that?

Cheers,

Susan Lager

When Your Mind is Blank

Tue, 11 May 2010 03:30:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Today was a productive, satisfying day filled with moving stories, courage and honesty. Earlier, I had all sorts of ideas to write about: betrayals, forgiveness, letting go, resentments, intimidation, fear, etc., but now nothing comes to me, my mind is blank! When I’m in that space it’s probably time to switch gears, and do something else, or just BE. Instead of fighting an internal state, it can be relieving and illuminating to honor it by observing it without judgment, dispassionately. So I’m staring back at the cat, and like him, noticing I’m all out of words. When you’re in that place you too may need to give yourself permission to do the Eastern, meditative thing, and just BE……

Sweet dreams,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my newly published article about couples and gratitude at Ezine Articles: http://ezinearticles.com/?Couples-and-the-Neglected-Practice-of-Gratitude&id=4253371

Mothers and Self Nurture

Mon, 10 May 2010 05:36:00 GMT

Happy Mother’s Day!

This was an odd but very satisfying day for me. My son was around only briefly for a speedwalk and then a lovely breakfast he cooked for me. My husband had to work today, so he didn’t get home till much later for our little party. They were both apologetic about not being available longer, and felt a bit sorry for me having to entertain myself on Mother’s Day. But, truth be told, after I got over my preconceived notions about the day, (which we all do far too often!) I had a grand old time “dubbing around” as I call it. I cut flowers from the garden and filled all the vases, I baked a banana bread, I retrieved summer clothing from the attic, did my nails, took a hot tub, did some reading, folded laundry, sorted mail, and petted the cat. Nothing glamorous, just various things which provided contentment, a sense of accomplishment, and soothing pleasure. In the therapy business we call it Self Nurture. Women, and mothers especially aren’t too swift at it because they are enculturated to nurture everybody else first.

I, however, have become the Queen of Self Nurture partly because I preach it as a vital practice, but also because my therapeutic work could drain me if I didn’t. If you lack ideas for how to do it get Alice Domar’s book “Self-Nurture”. She illustrates all the psychological and physiological benefits of doing it regularly. My advice is, whatever you do to nurture yourself, DON’T do anything which feels like drudgery!

Contentedly,

Susan Lager

Thank God It’s Friday!!!!!!

Sat, 08 May 2010 05:17:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

How often have you sighed and exclaimed “T.G.I.F.!!!!!”? You’ve probably collapsed into an easy chair with a big glass of wine and bemoaned the long hours at work, the fussy outfits, your aching back, your pain in the butt boss, the oppressive paperwork, the endless emails, the boring conference calls, the difficult clients, the rancid coffeecups, the office gossip, etc., etc…..

How often have you reflected upon the job well done, the pride of challenges overcome, the heartfelt connections, the silly inside jokes, and the satisfaction of making your own small difference on the planet? Take a few moments to pat yourself on the back for probably doing a few things very right this week. Remember, it’s only two days before you can complain about the weekend!

Happy Friday,

Susan Lager

One Block Away

Fri, 07 May 2010 04:34:00 GMT

Good (almost) Morning!

Today was one of those bizarre days. I was already five minutes late for a lunch date with a friend and colleague, furiously rinsing my hair in the shower when the Gutter Guy shows up needing to know where there’s a leak in the new system. I race downstairs, wet and soapy, give him his instructions, finish the shower, and race to meet my friend at the cafe. We have a spirited lunch, while at the next table a previous client and his wife are openly attesting to the benefits of couples therapy with me, unfazed by our juxtaposition. Then I race into Portsmouth, and curse a “little detour” created by TV crews, onlookers, and police cars. I’m driving too fast to notice the machinegun-toting swat team, rooftop snipers, and bomb- squad robots surrounding a Greyhound bus on Hanover Street. I proceed with my day of clients, intent on their problems, while one block away the center of Portsmouth is being evacuated due to a bomb threat, possibly a terrorist attack. Meanwhile, one block away from that, my son is sitting in an outdoor cafe with a close friend sipping lemonades surrounded by throngs of shoppers and tourists happily enjoying the glorious spring day. He and the entire staff have just been sent home from their mutual fund brokerage where everyone had been glued to two TV’s: one graphically witnessing the unfolding “bomb scene” nearby, the other documenting the inexplicable 1000 point three hour plunge in the stock market.

I say, it’s all a matter of perspective in life.

Sleep tight,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my newest published pieces at Ezine Articles: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Lager

How We Manage Hurt Feelings

Thu, 06 May 2010 04:16:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

I’ve been stewing about something someone close to me said a few days ago. It was something not intended to hurt me, but it did, maybe because there was some painful truth to it. None of us like having our shortcomings noticed and reflected back at us with glaring clarity. In my case I couldn’t help but notice my reaction of self-protective withdrawal, even though I knew it would be more productive and mature to talk it over with this person. I found myself feeling bruised and unworthy, and having more impulses to let go of the relationship. I started rationalizing this scenario, talking myself into a cocoon which no hurt or disappointment could penetrate. Then I had a flashback to a loving moment with this person, and realized I’d be “throwing the baby out with the bathwater”, that there were other options for managing my hurt which didn’t require me to go into exile. We all have choices about how we manage our hurts. A useful first line of action often involves some sort of engagement, rather than a disconnect, unless the Hurter acts maliciously or repetitively. If we can get our egos out of the way, there’s usually some possibility for us to learn and grow from the event, and often for the relationship to be stronger for weathering the storm.

Staying on course,

Susan Lager

“My Husband Ignores Me! What Can I Do?”

Wed, 05 May 2010 04:38:00 GMT

Welcome back Reader,

Have you ever felt like you were talking to thin air when dealing with your partner? You make a benign request like “would you mind fixing the screen door this weekend so we can open up the family room?”

It’s the third request, your mate has promised to do it for weeks in a row, gets caught up in other projects, says “oops!”, and now it’s 90 degrees out and you’re literally and figuratively frying. You repeat patiently, you cajole, you bargain, you beg, you nag, you ask what the problem is, and he reassures you there is none, and with a sheepish smile promises he’ll get to it this weekend. This may seem like making a mountain out of a mole hill, but cumulatively it becomes a kind of cancer in relationships. I’ve seen this scenario play out more than once in couples therapy sessions just this week. It erodes trust related to a sense of dependability, and clearly undermines faith in supposed agreements. (Did you say yes to appease me? Are you annoyed about the request and acting out? Are you mad about something else? Or do you just have a brain tumor?) I’ve found that more often wives hold The List, and husbands “agree”. The Requestor may consider the possibility that their “Honey Do List” has become oppressive. The “Don’t Worry, I’ll Get To It” Spouse may want to rethink the honesty of their promises. It’s always a kinder thing to graciously decline. No one will get killed.

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Marital Issues– A Perspective

Mon, 03 May 2010 12:42:00 GMT

Good Morning Reader,

Here I am bright and perky at 8:00 A.M. for a change, instead of talking to you in the wee hours of the morning (1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00 A.M.!) We had a birthday party for my husband yesterday and actually had the common sense to retire early enough to get a decent night’s sleep. That happens for me in those rare moments when I feel I’ve done all I can do in a day, and feel totally satisfied with the results. On birthdays in my family we treat the birthday “boy” or “girl” with not only presents, but delicious meals and gracious “slave services” all day. We make that person the center of attention, and the object of reverence, and our kindness all day. The point is to let them know we are thankful they were born and now are here in our lives. It’s actually not a chore, it’s a joyful discipline to focus on the positives, and not THE ISSUES you may have with them. After each birthday I wonder why I don’t do this much more often with all the people I love, especially my spouse? My last blog entry was about gratitude, this one is about how you express it with words and deeds. There would be many less Marital Issues if we all acted like every day was our spouse’s birthday! Try it, it feels great!

Happy day,

Susan Lager

Gratitude, A Neglected Practice

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 05:03:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

It’s a rainy Wednesday night in New England, (what else is new?), and I’m thinking about the fullness of my work and the emptiness of people’s lives. Once again, I’ve had a number of encounters with couples who wrestle with disappointments, aggravations, insults, and disconnects in their daily interactions with eachother. I am witness to painful stories, and often fights about who was the bigger culprit. Couples are often so graphic about the misery of their partnerships that I will ask them why they hang on, what keeps them in it? And they look at me like I’m clueless and tell me there’s a bigger picture of love and joy and basic respect, and how did I not see that? Now I understand that the therapy context is skewed towards problems, and their solutions, and there’s a bias that it would be a waste of time to sit with a stranger and pay her good money to reminisce about fun times. But I think the Complaint Position is also emblematic of our times– we so seldom stop to “smell the roses”. We’re all so rushed and overbooked and stressed, we don’t notice the things we could be thankful and joyful about. We particularly don’t appreciate our life partners the way we should. We read about keeping gratitude journals, and about maintaining a thankful mindset, but it gets lost.

Here’s a useful (albeit slightly morbid) Gratitude Practice I invite couples to use as needed:

Imagine your beloved has been hit by a truck and you are called to the Intensive Care Unit to their side. The doctors have told you there is not much time left, that your partner is not expected to make it, and that you should say your goodbyes. What do you imagine you will be feeling and saying about your life with them? What neglected truths will you want your partner to hear about what’s in your heart? And if you find yourself praying to whatever your concept of God is, what will you be promising to do if you are given a chance for more time together? Now backtrack the scene to the present. No fatal crash. Your aggravating partner is alive and well and by your side. Here’s your second chance…..

Thankfully Yours,

Susan Lager

Understanding Women– Be Curious!!!!

Wed, 28 Apr 2010 04:35:00 GMT

Good Evening Reader,

I was on a supermarket line and happened to overhear two jocks complaining about how they were always clueless about what went on in their girlfriends’ brains, that females must be an alien species, and that trying to understand them was futile! It took all my self control to not put in my professional 2¢, so I forced myself to be quiet, but loudly had these thoughts:

It’s not rocket science to understand women, it just takes some study.
Don’t presume you know what your lady wants/needs. ASK!!
Stop going to the default position of Rescue and Fix. It’s well intended, but is often misplaced.
Be curious, ask questions, show interest in her heart and her mind.
If she’s unclear about something, listen deeply for the encoded message by observing her body language and her tone.

It may take time, guys, be patient and respectful, and it will become clear sooner or later.

Good night, and Good luck!

P.S. I will be offering more detailed information about this subject on my upcoming website at www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com

P.S.S. Check out my recently published article about relationship dilemmas at: “How Do I Get My Partner Back?” A Therapist’s Reflection on the Question, and the Road Through Grief

“How Do I Talk to My Husband?”

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 03:42:00 GMT

Hello Reader,

Have you ever wondered if you were talking to someone from another planet when trying to get through to your spouse? It’s all too familiar in my own marriage, and loudly present in my work with couples. During a couples session today I watched the wife struggle with this question, and the subject was mild, like: what to do with the kids this summer. The husband sighed and looked out the window, apparently the way he usually does when she wants to discuss “an issue”. He felt she had just ambushed him again, as she had done in the original attempt at home. My assessment? There was no “header” and no “buy-in”! Partners often don’t preface a conversation with “I’d like to talk about _____” (header), and they often don’t follow it up with “Do you have a minute?” (buy-in). They just start talking, often about something loaded, and expect full attention and participation, even if their beloved is 25 feet up nailing shingles to the roof. If you too are a guilty party, try having a conversation “by agreement” and see if you get better results, like what to do with the kids this summer, so you can have some time to yourselves!

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. Check out my newly published article “How Do I Get My Partner Back?” A Therapist’s Reflection on the Question and the Road Through Grief.

Click on the link: “How Do I Get My Partner Back?” A Therapist’s Reflection on the Question, and the Road Through Grief

A New Day, A New Adventure

Sun, 25 Apr 2010 15:30:00 GMT

Hello again, reader,

As I move forward with this new project of bringing my ideas and knowledge about relationships to the internet, it’s like going on a Great Adventure to a foreign place! It is like any huge change– exciting, scary, uncertain, with lots of possibilities…

Think about any big changes you are making, and recognize that they will involve a “what, am I crazy?” feeling which may take over and derail you. Like me, you need to reconnect with your purpose, establish visible markers of the change process, celebrate them, and KEEP GOING!!! If you are part of a couple changing together, talk about it, and cheer each other on.

If you see value in the change, you’ll get there. Be patient. (I’m trying to)…..

Cheers,

Susan Lager

P.S. Look for me on my soon to go live website HowToBeABetterCouple.com for more resources on improving your relationship.

Welcome to My Blog!

Sun, 25 Apr 2010 04:28:00 GMT

Hello Everyone,

This is the first entry in my new blog, where I will be sharing my thoughts, ideas, and knowledge about couples issues. I have been in private practice as a psychotherapist specializing in couples work in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, for many years, and it’s been quite a ride!

The work is amazing, but the constant sitting gets a bit much, so I am launching the next phase of my business — online services and products for anyone interested in having better, close relationships. I know you have lots of questions and concerns, so I’ll be here to help!

Tune in…..

Susan Lager

P.S. Keep an eye out for my articles, special reports, exercises, and Ebooks.

Couples Therapy Blog in Portsmouth, NH | Susan Lager

Home Upgrades That Boost Wellness and Strengthen Your Relationship

Understanding Wellness Renovations and the “Why”

Pick 10 Wellness Upgrades You Can Start This Weekend

Quick Questions Couples Ask About Wellness Upgrades

Wellness Renovation Checklist You Can Finish This Week

Take One Restorative Design Step Toward a Calmer Home Together

Marriage and Bad Hair Days

A Sustainable Approach to Personal Development for Couples

Key Takeaways

Why Sustainable Growth Looks Different for Couples

Designing Personal Goals That Don’t Compete

How Couples Maintain Momentum

How Education Choices Can Support Individual and Shared Stability

Comparing Growth Approaches Couples Often Try

﻿

When Outside Guidance Helps Growth Stick

Questions Couples Ask Before Committing to Growth

Will focusing on personal growth pull us apart?

How do we avoid comparing progress?

What if one of us loses motivation?

Is it okay to slow down or pause?

Do we need professional help to grow well together?

Conclusion

﻿

Using Major Transitions to Replace Bad Habits With Better Ones

Quick Snapshot

When Everything Feels in Motion, You Can Choose What Stays Still

A Few Places People Commonly Reset

How to Rebuild Yourself With Intention

Building a Healthier Relationship During Transition

Try this reframing:

Replacement Habits Based on Common Transition Types

When Work Is the Stressor

Frequently Asked Questions

A Helpful Resource for Navigating Personal Change

One More Tool: A Micro “Reorientation” Routine

Closing Thoughts

How Newlyweds Can Build a Life Together That Actually Feels Good

The Nitty Gritty

FAQ

How to Build Partnership Momentum

Checklist: Foundations That Support Lasting Love

Helpful Newlywed Insights

Education and Long-Term Planning as a Couple

Date Night: A Simple Relationship Habit

Conclusion

How to Prevent Anxiety Attacks Before They Start

Build a system of support

Shift your inputs, reclaim your agency

Consider structured learning as a form of stability

Flow through the day with movement

Build a Realistic Timeline

Try micro-movements & grounding breaks

Make food and substance choices that support your brain

How to Juggle a Wedding, a Move, and a Mortgage Without Losing Your Mind

Set a Shared Budget First

Talk Honestly About Money

Sequence Your Savings Goals

Share Roles and Tasks

Build a Realistic Timeline

Make Peace With Trade-Offs

Protect Your First Home Together with a Warranty

Two-Person Toolkit: Unconventional Ways Couples Can Lift Their Mental Health

Forest bathing for two

Birdwatching as paired attention

Volunteering for purpose and connection

Tai chi for calm strength together

Pets and the steady bond

Low-stress daily modalities you can rotate

Quick-start table: couple-friendly practices

Key points to note

Study Tips and Strategies for Students With ADHD

Mindset and confidence

Reject toxic productivity

Try these productivity hacks instead:

Academic success begins with proper support

Support for college students with ADHD

Hire an ADHD coach to set learning goals

Benefits of Exercise ﻿

Benefits of Exercise